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Author Topic: nursing  (Read 434 times)
rarsweet
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« on: January 12, 2015, 08:40:11 AM »

He actually hates that I breastfeed makes sounds of disgust and won't say a word to me if I am nursing when he picks her up
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2015, 01:29:29 PM »

That is belittling to you, a way to irritate you and disrespect you.  Belittling is just one of many poor behaviors done by the acting-out PDs.  (Just as abandonment fears are linked most commonly with BPD, belittling fears are linked most commonly with NPD.)

Doctors recommend at least 6 months of breastfeeding.  You are doing good and, of course, doing nothing wrong.  Don't let him discourage you!  Sadly, you can't make him behave well and court is not likely to see his actions as 'actionable'.  However, it is more you can document and at some point it may make a difference in evaluations or decisions.

That said, we do have members here, fathers, who have faced claims by their spouse (or ex-spouse) that they can't be allowed to have more than token visitation because the baby/toddler is being nursed.  We tell them that the court will probably accept the solution to have mother express her milk, refrigerate or freeze it and then pass it along at exchanges.

While you may not be at that point of having to bottle your milk, be prepared that at some point you may have to do that.  (If he would follow through and actually use your milk.)  If you plan to keep nursing - a good thing - just don't use nursing as a major reason to limit father's parenting.  It can be a factor, just realize nursing isn't a big deal to the courts and so highlight your other reasons and concerns that would have far more traction as potentially 'actionable' or 'basis' to limit his parenting time.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2015, 02:00:50 PM »

Our daughter is 6 months old we have been apart for two months we have alternating three day time with her our final hearing is next month I pump for three out if 6 days and give him it frozen but he won't give it to her since her birth he was trying to get me to stop breastfeeding I will not I work full time I do a coparenting class alone once a week a child development class and personal counseling once a week and I am doing part time school and yet u have managed to keep breastfeeding and pumping in between everything I won't let him ruin it for my baby because he doesn't like it he told me once that cow babies are seperated from their mother's and they do fine
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rarsweet
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2015, 02:04:51 PM »

When she was 7 weeks old he took her while I was at work they were gone for two weeks before we had court then the judge did 50/50 time I managed to keep pumping those two weeks even though I was pretty close to a nervous breakdown and when the judge asked me if I could still breastfeed after two weeks apart I said oh yes I kept pumping my exes jaw dropped he was pissed
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2015, 02:15:56 PM »

Do you have his comments documented?  Either in texts, emails, recorded or witnessed by others?  This may not be a major issue but you can use it to demonstrate his disregard for your baby's best interests.  (Bring with you what doctors recommend regarding nursing.  I think it's 6 months minimum and continuing for 1-2 years is better.)  You're going through the effort to provide mother's milk and he's dissing it.  State your position that this indicates he should have less time - many fathers have just alternate weekends and short visits in between - because he's not concerned with the child's best interests nor willing to work with you in even this simple, obvious matter.

Beware of the court thinking the current order - equal time - is working.  It's not.  But unless you make a strong case for you to have more time then the court will not have any incentive to improve your parenting time.  This is not a time to be timid or not speak up.  At the least get it "on the record" in case you need to refer to it later.  Many courts seem to try to have as little put on the record as possible so their feet can't be held to the fire.

Is he actually parenting her for 50% of the time or is he doing less than you, is he parking the baby with others beyond the time he works?

Do either of you have lawyers?  Your lawyer should be building a strategy, not just filling out the forms and holding your hand.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2015, 04:13:48 PM »

He actually does nothing but sit home with her he hasn't even worked in a year and a half that is his strategy that he is free to be hands in with her in his words he wants sole custody he wouldn't even do the coparenting program with me because he said he wanted to keep his schedule free to be with her yes I have documentation its so weird he lives with his dad in a two bedroom trailer Abby is in his room and the two of them just sit home with her and do nothing
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rarsweet
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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2015, 04:18:13 PM »

I am asking for him to have Saturday through Sunday morning and three hours in Tuesday and Thursday and more time once she turns three that's not good enough for him he wants sole custody and for me to see her as we agree
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rarsweet
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Posts: 592


« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2015, 04:25:40 PM »

And I worry if he treats me with such disdain for nursing will he then treat her the same for her nursing
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2015, 05:24:44 PM »

I am asking for him to have Saturday through Sunday morning and three hours in Tuesday and Thursday and more time once she turns three that's not good enough for him he wants sole custody and for me to see her as we agree.

"As we agree."   If that gets into the order, you'll of course never get any agreement from him.  Most courts start off with default boilerplate that is purposely vague, expecting the parents to work out the details along the way.  Sorry, only works when there are two reasonably normal parents.  Beware of "reasonable telephone contact" and "mutually agreed exchange locations, etc."  Such vague phrases invite reinterpretation of the order.

So another theme you need is that you want both parents to present a good environment to your child, that dad sitting at home all day not gainfully employed is (1) not a good example for your daughter and not providing for her and (2) parenting is no excuse not to work.  Very soon she will be in preschool, kindergarten then grade school.  Then there will be even less excuse for him to sit on his fanny, getting support from you or the government just because he's a lazy bum.

Sounds like he's a slippery character and without a multi-pronged strategy to counteract his lifestyle you'll risk ending up being ordered to support his laziness.

Frankly, he will never get sole custody unless he can (1) document you are abusing, neglecting or being dangerous to your child, or (2) you acquiesce and give in.  His seeking sole custody is all hot air and entitlement.  He either thinks he's slick enough to get it, thinks he can wear you down or may have nefarious traps for you.

Problem is, its the old spitball strategy.  Remember the miscreants at school?  They knew that if they blew enough spitballs at the chalkboard that some of them might stick.  Don't be won down, overwhelmed or outmaneuvered.  Better to be proactive than just defensive, assertive than passive.

About the weekends... .Are you talking about every weekend or alternate weekends?  Frankly, it ought to be alternate weekends, it will give him a chance to have a weekend off and one for you too.  (Alternate weekends is a common standard in every court, it is time-proven, though exceptions are made for emergency responders and other professions that have to work some weekends.)  If he gets her every weekend then you'll never have free weekend to go visit family or go out of town for a few days for whatever, not unless you declare a vacation.  In my county vacations are limited to 3 weeks total per year.  You need more than 3 weekends per year away from him.
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rarsweet
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 592


« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2015, 06:17:15 PM »

I work Tuesday through Saturday so I figured with him having her until noon Sunday that would give me my days off with her and open up Monday through Friday for him to get a job right now my mom who is approved through the state watches her while I work and I obviously want to keep it that way he had no support around here besides his dad who happens to be a felon neither one of them are from here when he has her and needs a sitter he drives two hours to his sisters and back
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rarsweet
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 592


« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2015, 06:21:08 PM »

Ya no abuse or neglect I have started smoking again and trying to quit again but seriously that's my one vice and honestly the crap I deal with its amazing I am not on meds so that's his reasoning because I smoke even though I don't have smoking inside I ve never even had a speeding ticket and been at my job almost four years
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rarsweet
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 592


« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2015, 06:28:09 PM »

I figured Sunday and Monday is my real weekend and I won't leave my job for at least two years so take the high road and give him every Saturday then change it to Thursday through Saturday when she turned three so he could bring her to school some of the time
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