A bit about me

[Lovingkindness]

I am in a relationship with a man for over 8yrs, prior to that we were best friends for 4yrs.  We have been living together until last month.   We are still together but he says he needs space.  He has not approached me that he has BPD but a therapist we worked with together a few years ago suggested that was part of our issue.  Of course it is a much longer story than this.  The end result is that I have been both blaming myself (he always wants me to apoligise for things I have not done) and wracking my brain for a reason why some of the things that happen do happen.  On researching BPD it clearly makes so much sense.  He is now at a critical point where he goes between being seemingly healthy to telling me he thinks his body is shutting down and he has Alzheimer's (for which he blames me) btw, he just turned 48.  He said went to a neurologist & his neurons are not firing properly.  I am here for support  I am a loving kind and patient being but there is a limit to what I can take.  I love him in every way, even with the effects of this which can be horrific.  I want to learn here how best to support him and help him to grow, not to blame.  I am responsible as well for reacting very badly to this.  Had I known before that he has BPD I could have served him better.   So I will read all of your posts and respond to you all as well.  Thank you for reading this and allowing me to express.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I am in a relationship with a man for over 8yrs, prior to that we were best friends for 4yrs.  We have been living together until last month.   We are still together but he says he needs space.  He has not approached me that he has BPD but a therapist we worked with together a few years ago suggested that was part of our issue.  Of course it is a much longer story than this.  The end result is that I have been both blaming myself (he always wants me to apoligise for things I have not done) and wracking my brain for a reason why some of the things that happen do happen.  On researching BPD it clearly makes so much sense.  He is now at a critical point where he goes between being seemingly healthy to telling me he thinks his body is shutting down and he has Alzheimer's (for which he blames me) btw, he just turned 48.  He said went to a neurologist & his neurons are not firing properly.  I am here for support  I am a loving kind and patient being but there is a limit to what I can take.  I love him in every way, even with the effects of this which can be horrific.  I want to learn here how best to support him and help him to grow, not to blame.  I am responsible as well for reacting very badly to this.  Had I known before that he has BPD I could have served him better.   So I will read all of your posts and respond to you all as well.  Thank you for reading this and allowing me to express.

Welcome! My dBPDh is 49, and often complains about Alzheimer's, ED, arthritis, etc etc

Part of it is they tend to be hypochondriacs, or exaggerate symptoms. Blaming you for it is silly of course, but pwBPD need to place blame on someone else's doorstep.

My dBPDh also wants me to apologize for things I haven't done, or things that haven't occurred. In the past, I admitted to things I have never done, just to try to move passed the hours long screaming raging fits. I do not any longer using the tools here.

Is there anything in particular you are looking for help on? What do you say to him when he complains about being ill?

[waverider]

Glad you found this place. There is a lot you can do. Be prepared however yto challenge yourself and the way you view yourself as much as anything

This is not about fixing him, rather more about fixing you to create an environment which he has a better change of sorting himself out with your support and better awareness.

  Had I known before that he has BPD I could have served him better.   

Do you really mean serve him?

Would you like to elaborate on what you believe you would have done differently, and to what ends?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Lovingkindness,

I would like to echo Cold Ethyl and Waverider and welcome you. You have found a great place for support and understanding. I understand how frustrating the behaviors of BPD can be.    You already have one of the most important tools under your belt, patience.  Patience is really important in a relationship with a person who has BPD. 

Another important tool is to set boundaries.  Here is an article to help you get started.  BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Keep posting.  We are here to support you. 

[Lovingkindness]

I have to apologise   I was using the site in the wrong way and did not see any of your posts  thank you for your responses

In answer to "serve him better"  I guess I mean just to have more of an understanding into the illness   The more I read the current  the research rhe more I undestand that there is a Misfiring In the brain   While it is an illness, I also do not have to take the abuse involved.

As for his illnesses, it is constant   It got so bad this summer that our GP told my bf that I was very sick with two illnesses and that his was not that bad,  when we left the office, my bf was upset and said  I faked it.  There were blood tests done to determine what I had!  My be also said he has the beginnings of Alzheimer's at the age of 48

The apology issue is huge!  One expects me to apoligize over and over. He is angry for the way I have treated him which has honestly been loving and patient

Thank you for the article   I will read it now

I would love to continue this thread now that I figured it out

[EaglesJuju]

Welcome back Lovingkindness.   I hope you are feeling better with your illnesses.

The apology issue is huge!  One expects me to apoligize over and over. He is angry for the way I have treated him which has honestly been loving and patient

I understand how frustrating it is for our pwBPD to expect us to apologize for everything.  Unfortunately, many pwBPD tend to not take responsibility for their behavior. The nature of the disorder is emotional dysregulation. PwBPD have a very hard time regulating and coping with negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, shame, guilt, and pain. Emotions are very intense for pwBPD and they can be overly sensitive and have a heightened response to something that may be almost trivial to a non disordered person.  For many pwBPD, their heightened emotions equals fact. This type of distorted thinking, makes a pwBPD view things that may not have actually occurred in that manner. It is very frustrating to cope with. 

[Lovingkindness]

Good Morning,

I am not often on this site so apologise in advance for not always a answering.

Wow!  The support from all of you is amazing!   I am sitting with my morning coffee watching the snow fall trying to put a physical smile on my face (yes, I do believe that our bodies and emotions are fully connected) and opened the reply page and literally felt such human caring

Thank you and I wish I could give you all an I person hug, I will energetically end one to each of you!

Ok, now on to the issue we all face... .reading all of your posts makes me know that I am not losing my mind   As you all suggest, I have been doing, instead of trying, all of the positive things like reading on BPD, watching positive movies, eating super healthy which I already do but even more, reconnecting with my clients, also I am finishing all of the things I left undone because my BF wanted me to focus fully on him.  I would start a course for my work and he would get upset that I was doing something to further myself and he wasn't   Even in arguments he would say he wanted  me to sit home and let him go out and become the man who he really is .  He retired early from a professional job which he never liked and for 4 years has not done anything except read and focus on his health which is relatively healthy, he has become obsessive and everything is about him   He has a full pension so has no financial worries    So now I enrolled in the courses I never completed and am determined to let nothing stop me from completion.

Why are we separated?   3 years ago he got an apartment because he said he could not deal with my constant arguing (which now I see were mostly encouraged by him and ended up in me defending myself like we all tend to do)  and he was using it as an office (I had recently thought he was seeing women up ther because I never went there and he did not want me to).  A few months ago his lunatic therapist (yes the man is crazy, I know because I met him for three sessions with my BF and he made statements like F-positive psychology or F-your therapist when I brought those topics up, he then verbally assaulted me with ten things I did wrong to my BF and asked me why at which point I told him he was unprofessional and walked out) encouraged my BF to make a plan to slowly move out including getting a new phone number without giving it to me, forwarding all of his mail, not having communication with any of my family members. I believe my BF was basically brainwashed by his therapist   My BF told me when he was crying one day that his therapist had him beating himself up week after week for 18 months telling him that I did not love him and he should leave.  He also told me a neurologist told him his brain was not firing properly and damaged and he has the beginnings of Alzheimer's at 48 yrs old.  Btw, if he is bringing any woman up to his apartment she must be a hired one because his apartment is a mess, dusty, bins of books all over (he reads spirituals and self help books non stop) exercise equipment, etc   Not an apartment to impress a love interest at all.

So now he has surgery out of state two weeks ago and I go down there to help him.  I stayed for 5 days shopping cooking paying for everything helping him in and out of bed, basically a nurse maid   He stayed there and is still there although there is no reason not to come home, and over the weekend he started his usual stuff with ssuing I was not connected, did not show love, talked too much (that is his latest  thing, which if you watched us you would see me listing intently to his every word, my profession involves intense listening and I have always bee told I am such an incredible listener) talked too little, my energy was too high, my energy was too low, I dominate a conversation, all when I barely spoke,  I quietly cried and he said I was yelling and hung up on me, turned his phone off (his old number) told the front desk of the hotel not to let my calls through and is has totally disconnected from me .   The horror stories he has told his family and friends is all aimed at me and my family   

I am having difficulty with first of all letting go the notion that he is not the man I fell in love with, in fact he has become a monster, and also with the fact that everyone he is in contact with sees me as the one with a PD because that is what he has expressed to people.

I'm reading this I seem like a Jerry Springer guest (haha I never have even watched the show) and sound like an absolute crazy person who is self abusive by allowing someone to able me in this way   Can you imagine? I flew to take care of him, I paid for everything, I was up and down the hotel elevator bringing him tea and ice and doing laundry, and running back and forth to the organic market spending over $100 a day when I am financially not in a good place at all, and he treats me this way?  And then he will tell everyone that I am abusive to him.   I feel like standing on a mounting top and shouting out loud the truth behind the handsome engaging man they all see with the beautiful blue eyes (yes, he is incredibly handsome, he looks like a model and could be)

So my question to you all is, how can I deal with this and let it go.  Do I tell the truth or let everyone think it is me?  Everyone on the outside says to me how lucky I am.  If only they knew the truth... .

Thank you for the space to express... .

[ColdEthyl]

I am very sorry you are going through this. I want to say two things... .first: you are not crazy. This is all common ground for us. pwBPD commonly will claim abuse on them. They have a very difficult time accepting blame, and will project it onto others.

Second... .keep coming here, reading the threads and lessons, asking for advice... .but do not let him know you are on here. pwBPD will tend to take it badly, and it will cause a dysregulation.

I can imagine what you are going through. Before I knew about BPD or what was going on... .I thought I was going crazy. I did everything to try to stop the rages... .I cut contact with all friends, I made things the way he wanted (or tried to, there's like a million little details I was trying to remember), and none of it is good enough.

It's not good enough because the problem is with them. They are uncomfortable inside. They usually are not even sure why and it manifests into these other weird areas.

My H has not worked in the past year, and he tells me how useless he is, how he should be a man and work and provide for me, blah blah but does not DO anything. Anytime he starts to say that... .I ask him "what would like seen done about that" or "what do you suggest we do about this" and he has gotten to the point to where he can admit it's him... .but not to the point to spring into action quite yet.

One of the biggest lessons for us as 'nons' to learn is to how to say things in a way that will not trigger our pwBPD. They need to be validated constantly, and any time they feel they are not is when problems happen.

My H will say that I talk too much sometimes, and it is funny because they are the ones that rattle on and on. But, one thing I've done that helps him know I am listening is I will parrot parts of what he says to me. An example is like if he was talking about F-14s (that I have no interest in) and he says something like it can carry X missile, I will say "I did not know they can carry X Missile!"

I sense a lot of what you are doing is JADE. It's so common for us as nons to do that... .because it's natural. But when dealing with pwBPD, it's only going to cause more grief.

JADE=justify, argue, defend, explain. 

I would recommend reading up on the lessons on that. If you have any further questions, all of us are here to help!