Now my son is talking about two different men

[Aussie JJ]

Well,

It is interesting how you can pick what is happening by behaviors.  

My exBPDgf I knew broke up with her BF.  Was obvious to see.  Then she paraded the new supply instantly.  This hurt, I understood it tried not to take it personal, it still hurt.  

Now my son is talking about two different men with activities I do.  

Going to the Park, hes goes to the park with O*** as well.  

My validation, as long as you are having fun buddy.  

Now I let him watch ONE Thomas episode per visit, make a big deal out of it.  Now he watches Thomas all day when S**** comes over!

Im trying to validate with, I understand that you want more than one.  He cracks a tantrum.  

Basically, at present, he is telling me, O*****  stays for dinner and sleeps.  S**** stays for dinner and sleeps.   I like Thomas, want more Thomas.  

Typical 0 boundaries.  

I cant control her.  Actually quite repulsed by it, this is really beyond me.  

I need some feedback on validating a 3 year old here.  Trying to not ask questions, be neutral.  Validate feelings.  Struggling.  

Those who have been here before please help.  


AJJ.  

[Waddams]

Regarding boundaries with your son, the best you can do is enforce yours, and let go of what happens at her house.  The difference in boundaries between households will be an issue for the next 15 years, and it won't change.  Just parallel parent as best you can, hold your own boundaries, stick it out through the tantrums, and let go of what you can't control.

Now, if you want to, you can also consider allowing him the chance to earn extra privileges - my son will work tirelessly for extra privileges, such as earning extra Thomas episodes. 

This is just the beginning though.  Put your foot down, don't argue, move on to different subjects quickly to demonstrate who is in charge, and enforce consequences for not following the rules or Dad's rules.  In time, this issue will die down and he'll accept the rules are just different at Dad's, even if he doesn't like it.  In the future, similar issues will arise, and you just have to go through it again.  Eventually, if you stay consistent and loving, he'll appreciate the structure and boundaries.

Speaking from experience here.  Others may have a different perspective, but 6-7 years out from the initial divorce and my S10 doesn't act out too much anymore, pretty much never argues or fights against boundaries, and respects my rules.  When he does go against house rules, I've learned to listen up carefully because it usually means he's got something legitimate he's worried about.  It was very difficult getting to this point though, and I'm still the only person on earth that he seems to respect because he gives all other authority figures in his life a lot of grief on a regular basis.  I'm now working on addressing that particular issue!

[Turkish]

Validating a 3 year old, tough! Now D 2.5 is finally starting to act out (thankfully, S4--- 5 in two weeks--- has finally been winding down from three years of the "terribles.".

How do you differentiate yourself from the OM, AJJ? Even if you have to be firm and go a little Old School Dad, it might be helpful to assert that you and only you are his father. While the two of you can have fun, ":)addies have a different role," and that you are "the one who is teaching you, S3, to become a man like Daddy someday. Sometimes growing up is a struggle [here, I'm not sure of your son's vocabulary, I'm just speaking in general]. It's my job as Daddy to help you with that, even if it means that you have to have more rules at here at my house."

[livednlearned]

The OM is letting him watch Thomas all day because he doesn't want to interact, probably. Has to be so painful to have that going on in your life, especially with an innocent sweet 3 year old who doesn't understand the bigger picture.

You could be sly about this, while also positive. "You like watching Thomas, and I see you feel sad that I'll only let you watch one episode. I want to spend time with you doing something. You and me, buddy. Daddy and son. Let's go get the matchbox cars out and race them in the sand."

Direct him toward what you want, which is giving him your attention.

One positive thing I experienced with N/BPDx is that he didn't like S13 to be on computers and tvs all the time. He never had anything to do with parenting him, it was more ":)on't you do this." I was compliant back then, no backbone, but I'm glad it happened. S13 and I spent so much time making things, doing things, exploring, coming up with fun things to do. No way is there any other parent on this planet who has hidden easter eggs as many times as me  I did it all year long and a few months ago found one in an old suitcase. My kid could not get enough of that stuff. We built a train out of cardboard boxes, created "water" paintings by playing with food coloring in the sink. Some of my best memories, and like all old people say, those years go by so fast. Next thing you know, he'll be a stinky adolescent asking to borrow your razor. 

No one is going to replace you in that special role, AJJ.

[Aussie JJ]

So many things happening at the moment.  I should ask for some advice on the legal board about a few things. 

TBH, the lawyer I have has said give her the rope, let her hang herself.  I trust him on this, he is building questions about these things and already has some information from a person my ex lived with when first moved out.  Has organised to get a statement from her and it is very enlightening.  However it doesn't make it any easier, those 2 months where she was living there she was such a tramp, harsh but true. 

I am worried so much on our son's emotional state that I have noticed its taking a toll on me.  I signed up for a triathlon so I have to keep doing all my physical training about 2 hours ago, no excuses.  It sounds silly but have to set some goals for myself here.  I have noticed getting depressed about it all a hell of a lot. 

On the good side, ignoring all of this, validating feelings and just being me.  My son is opening up a huge amount with me at the moment, just through e being me.  I have no issues with my relationship with him.  I know that he loves me and know that he knows I love him.  Boy does he love to test those boundary's though. 

Thanks all, horrid dealing with someone who has no empathy.  Really drains you. 

AJJ. 

[11yearsToGo]

It is so frustrating to have children because you want to be a parent and raise them in as great of an environment as possible... .only to be stuck parenting with an ex who takes the easy road and only does the bare minimum for them, often exposing them to things that make you, as a vested parent cringe.  SD bio-mom has introduced SD to every piece of tail she dates and has sleepovers very early on.  If your attorney can do something about your son being exposed that's great.  Our courts don't care.  As long as the new dates aren't an imminent danger to the kids, the OP are within their rights to gave them around the kids, even alone.  I've had to realize that despite my good intentions to be a good example and moral compass, my children have their own paths in life.  As frustrating as it is to hear many of the stories from the other house, all I can do is use them to shine light on why our house is different (not better, even though I think it is, just different).  My SD is going to see her mom jump from man to man to man, sleeping with all of them and using them financially.   That is her path in life, it will be part of her story.  I remind myself that although we chose these partners initially, we didn't see what we were actually choosing.  We would not choose for our kids to get cancer.  My SD's mom is akin to cancer.  All we can do is minimize her symptoms, help her through her childhood, until she hopefully can individualize and be as healthy of an adult as possible, with as few scars as possible.

[PinkieV]

My SS14 has had two stepdads, innumerable BF's and just last month a "landlord" in his life. And those are just the ones he knows about. BM has been known to date a more acceptable guy and sleep with somebody else on the side. Yet she wrote him a letter last year asking if he was uncomfortable because DH and I were "living in sin" before we were married.  Thankfully our kids have one healthy parent, right?

[livednlearned]

Thankfully our kids have one healthy parent, right?

I went to see a child psychiatrist today, someone my son is going to be seeing, and the dr said, "all the research shows that if kids have just one steady stable healthy adult, they can get through some pretty tough experiences."

Hallelujah

[Skip]

Hard topic. Good discussion here.

[Aussie JJ]

I went to see a child psychiatrist today, someone my son is going to be seeing, and the dr said, "all the research shows that if kids have just one steady stable healthy adult, they can get through some pretty tough experiences."

Hallelujah

I've had a read of this sort of stuff as well.  My own P has told me about his experiences with his exBPDw.  Basically, he beleives that his daughter is stronger because of the experience.  Has really cautioned me about many things that I can and cannot control.  

I am booked in again next week with him and find myself strugling with being validating and everythign else in a 'healthy' way.  To me, I cant validate what is going on.  I know that sounds hard, so i concentrate on his experiences and how he is feeling.  I sort of took my psychologist to task on a few things he has been workign on with me, saying I have to detach from the harm she causes otherwise it will be just as dangerous with continuing a cycle of conflict.  

I agree with him however how do you detach from someone harming your child or having this effect on him.  

I know not to question or press, I just want to validate in a healthy supportive way for him.  Sometimes I question if I am alienating him long term from his mother and many other things.  This I dont understand, however I have to keep check and looking at the job I am doing to ensure I get better at it myself. 


AJJ.  

[PinkieV]

LnL, I told my SS14 once that I didn't worry about him growing up, because he had survived his childhood. He just laughed and said "yeah".  We've been in counseling for almost 18 months and I can finally see the real strength and coping skills he developed. He's a survivor, but I'm glad his dad and I were able to help him through the rest of his childhood.

[Turkish]

I worry about alienation too, AJJ. I think my Ex is higher functioning than yours, but there are still issues. I try to provide the best time I can with me for the kids. When they mention her, or occasionally the new step daddy (proposed), I bite my tongue, validate that they did, and move on. I don't ask questions.

Based upon the few honest conversations their mom had with me, I think more goes on than I know, and S4 may even hide things from me. I don't interrogate. Well, I did in a way once, and months later S4 admitted to me that her bf was the one who accidentally tripped him when they were racing on pavement. He had come home very skinned up. S4 said it was an accident. I was pissed that two adults would let a clumsy kid race on concrete, but I bit my tongue and said, "ok."

The kids know who their daddy is. So does yours. Be that safe place in which he can rest.

[Aussie JJ]

Turkish,

Mine is very very high functioning.  Just hidden well.  She has studies psychology, was going to study clinical psychology, no idea why that didnt work out... .  It is very obvious to see all in all. 

I do pull her behaviours apart a lot.  She did have a steady BF for a bit there, me.  After that god only knows.  Back at uni, lots of men to sleep with.  Good for her. 


AJJ. 

[livednlearned]

I agree with him however how do you detach from someone harming your child or having this effect on him.  

I know not to question or press, I just want to validate in a healthy supportive way for him.  Sometimes I question if I am alienating him long term from his mother and many other things.  

My experience with my ex is that his behaviors pushed his son away all by himself. You aren't creating the feelings your son has about his experiences, you are bearing witness to them. You will do far worse harm to your son if you excuse your ex's behaviors or minimize them, something I learned in the hardest most painful way. It still hurts for me to think about how invalidating I was to my son when he was younger.

To your son, the things his mom does that hurt him are real -- if he pushes those feelings down, he loses twice. First, he loses important opportunities to discover that he is resilient, and he can recover from painful feelings. That's what validating him does -- it tells him that even though someone very important hurts him, this other person, you, someone equally important, understands and loves him, and sees him feeling this pain, and stays close to him even when he is hurting and vulnerable.

The second thing he loses when he is not validated is that those negative feelings he's having don't go away. They start to pool and harden, and he loses the ability to feel whole. Some psychologists say that when you shut off negative feelings, you shut off positive feelings too, and this can lead to depression, even in kids.

The hardest thing I have ever done in my life is stand by and watch my child suffer. It breaks my heart a hundred times, over and over, and I never imagined that being a mother would combine such deep feelings of love with such profound feelings of pain. We cannot make our kids feel better, but we can help them learn how to manage their feelings, especially the painful ones. No one helped me do that in my childhood, although I had sympathetic witnesses who gave me enough love and support that it kept me going. Your son is going to have a very complicated relationship with his mother that is going to be challenging for him his whole life, and having you be the sounding board for these experiences will anchor him.

If your child grows to resent his mother, it will be her doing, and hers alone. Validating his feelings is not the same as alienation if you are simply moving closer to his pain to show him he is loved while bearing witness to what he feels. 

It's so healthy what you're doing. And it will probably help heal you too.