Therapeutic separation: 30 days NC

[braveSun]

I am in Day 3 of a 30 days NC period I initiated for myself. My SO is in temporary residential treatment, in good hands, and I committed myself to not abandon her. Truth is that she knows me, and agreed to this, but that doesn't mean she is well. Today my gut feelings are being activated. I feel betrayed and confused as to what is going on with her and some former partners she has not completely disconnected from. She was supposed to be working on bringing closure to all of her past relationships (my understanding), and me working on getting in touch with my own feelings (I get numb with all the drama going on right now) and healing. Things don't feel that way at all.  

I am not sure where I should post. I am still staying, but in a 30 days NC. Feeling  right now like I need help to keep staying and keep consistent with my NC.   :'(

Thanks for directing me to the right thread!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Staying Board is the best place - working on ourselves is a big part of what we do there.

Have you read the information here on therapeutic separation?  That might be more of what you are doing and it might be worthwhile to dial her into that?

Does that sound right?

[braveSun]

Yes I did read about it. It was brought up about 2 weeks ago, and I decided to request that 3 days ago. She's in a treatment centre, working at her recovery with good support, her T is in with this, and she agreed to this. She's supposed to work on bringing closure with all her past partners, and I am to work on my own PTSD stuff. It's been increasingly difficult lately for both of us, mainly because she doesn't approach this process like I would do it. She has a SA and it's more looking like she fails at ending contact with some of them, who in turn look like they may have their own issues with SA or PD themselves. Some of them refuse to let her go, and I feel betrayed by her trying to 'ease them out'... It's draggin' on and my boundaries need attention.

I get confused, since in my gut feeling, it doesn't feel the way it is supposed to be...      :'(

I need to amp up my self-care and support now. 

Yes, if you could move this to the Staying board, that would be great.

[braveSun]

Anybody has done this in the staying group?

Is a 30 days NC too much to handle for a pwBPD?

Any suggestions?

[Skip]

Generally the terms are worked out with the therapist and there are ground rules for everyone, including when contact is OK.  I think 6 weeks is the common first window and there is usually some communication - but it is structured.

[MissyM]

Brave, I am also married to a sex addict (SA) with BPD.  Therapeutic separation starting with 30 days NC or very limited contact (if kids involved) has become something really encouraged in treatment.  The full separation is usually laid out in 90 days with progressively more interaction and contact but can be renegotiated at any time.  I would follow the therapists and treatment center's guidelines.  Are you in therapy?  :)o you have a support system and/or group?  Taking this time to become less enmeshed with an SA is so beneficial.  My dBPDSAh (boy that is long) and I have been living separately for about a year and it has been the best thing we have done for ourselves individually and together.

I understand being hurt and dismayed.  Nothing like this kind of betrayal.  Having gone through drug addiction with my dBPDh, this is 100x worse.  Let the treatment center handle your wife, that is what they are there for.

[braveSun]

@Skip  I am not involved with her therapy at the centre. She has been seeing a CSA T for over a year (in our hometown) and has checked into this DD centre (out of town) end Nov after she had told me that she was starting having another relationship. I introduced the concept of a TS instead while trying to find solutions. Than re-introduced it about 2 weeks ago, as I was feeling I might be better it we were having it. We're not living together.

We have not seen each other since over a year now, and it's in part because I had set a boundary to see her only if she was ready for a faithful monogamous r/s. We have not proceeded to see each other again yet. We've been bumping up from deadlines to deadlines over the year, to see if she could take care of her SA symptoms first.  However,  we have spoken to each other just about every day since last year. Except for 1 month last year, when I first introduced my boundaries to her. And now another shot. We don't have a T overseeing us as a couple. Only her T at the centre is aware of this NC 30 days. We both agreed on it and on what it was for. I offered her to start going to couples therapy together once she has her SA under control. Last summer her SA T confirmed that it was a possible for her to be done within the coming year, if she worked hard at it. She does. I know she does.


I don't know the particulars of her therapy at the centre, except that it is DBT and her T is not encouraging her to start new relationships with other women at all. I make a point for myself to not get involved in that. It's her path. It's her decisions. I feel safer since she has been there. Things have become hopeful again in a way, but she has a lot of issues about ending her connections with past partners. She has maintained more than one connection with people who want a relationship like me, it appears. No formal disclosure.  I know that we had to engage in some process of detachment, and that the progress she makes requires individuation.

I stayed out of starting a full relationship with her. She did respect some important physical boundaries. But my sexual boundaries, not so good.

@MissyM I'm so glad youre there! SA is brutal for a partner. I am so grateful I had a great partner's support group for a while. Now it's dissolved. I've had therapy in the fall. Now I'm on my own. But I also have great people from my past groups with whom I am regularly in contact. Discovering about my SO's BPD condition was another big layer to uncover. Since dx last spring I have read & read everything I could put my hands on BPD. And than on this board. I am hoping to find support here too. But the SA talk is a different kind of animal all together from the BPD talk, it seems. I'm not sure yet how to bring both together here. I see that accountability is more pronounced for people working on SA, but I may be wrong. My SO says it's all the same thing for her, that her SA is a manifestation of her BPD. 

One of my support friends has BPD traits, but not enough strong to make the dx. She is the partner of an SA and they've had success with their 5 years process. They're happy couple now. Her support has been invaluable. She encouraged me to seek the TS. She said that for her r/s it did a lot of good. Like you say, because of the emmeshment.

I realize, though, that for my SO, even though she agreed with me on doing this, I am very much on my own. It looks like she has been sexually active in the last 24 hrs. Now 4 days into NC. It was awesome last week, I felt she was making great progress. But we're hitting a bump. Increasing discrepancies again between what she said she wanted and what it felt like she was doing. I'm not there to verify anything, and I am having a hard time with my PTSD symptoms. It's horrible right now. What I don't get is how come she doesn't try to reach out for proper support people in her life, instead of trying to recycle old relationships/start new ones so much.

It's like, I have support. I don't feel safe about her right now. I see the NC period as a time to confront my own fears. It's a time I will need for sure more support. But I'm scared it will be too much for her. She has shown me in the past that she is thinking about switching to another 'support-relationship' with another person.

I know that's the enabler-seeking thing. But I don't see I can do anything about it. I've shared my point of view many times that she needs much better support than what she's been allowing herslef to have so far. She does not take to 12 step groups for philosophical reasons. 

I have to keep my wits about myself. I know PTSD symptoms can come out stronger once there is a bit of stability.

[formflier]

 

BraveSUN,

I sorta did this over this past summer.  We were very LC for a while and under the "care" of a MC and a family therapist.

It was a blessing to me because it allowed me to get my thoughts in order... .there was structure for contact with her and kids. 

I am in a much better place now.  I don't think my entire family unit would have made as much progress if we had stayed together.  We'll never know now... .but that is my take on it.

Take this time to focus on you... .sort yourself out... .get strong... .learn tools.

[braveSun]

Thank you FF!

I think my anxiety level has taken a spike in the last day or so. I see that I have felt better after disclosing this. It's good to not be totally alone and to have other people share their experiences.

I will.

[formflier]

 

What is your plan to get stronger and healthier while NC?

[MissyM]

Bravesun, it sounds like it has been a long haul.  My dBPDh received the BPD diagnosis after 2 years of trying to work SA recovery and not being able to really "get it".  At 1st during the separation my dBPDh did accelerate his behavior.  That ended up being the only way for him to truly hit bottom and start doing recovery for himself.  It sounds like you used to be in therapy and used to be in a group, any plans to start something up again?  Therapeutic and 12 step support through this is really the only way I have been able get through this and thrive. 

[braveSun]

What is your plan to get stronger and healthier while NC?

1. getting my full nights sleep back

2. working out 5 x/week, eat less crap food

3. go outside every day (I work from home)

4. talk to a support person or post at least once/day

5. meditations, journaling, anxiety reducing little things

6. post enough on this board to get to the Perso Inventory section

7. get through all that I can learn from this

8. re integrate the activities I used to love to do and stopped doing

9. breathe and let the emotions roll out of me

10. practice to 'just be' (and not fix anything nor make any plans)

That should get me through the next 26 days.

Welcoming the inputs!

Bravesun, it sounds like it has been a long haul.  My dBPDh received the BPD diagnosis after 2 years of trying to work SA recovery and not being able to really "get it".

Wow! Missy... 2 years... It must have been heartwrenching...

I've heard from 3 partners in my groups of the 1-2 years average time to stop the hurtful behavior, the 2-3 yrs for the obsession/objectivisation to stop for them, but that it takes longer than that for them to 'get it' how hurtful their behavior was. That's subject to individual stories, of course. 

Mine has had spurs of impressive insights, and has been able to not act out sexually for some weeks at a time, but I'm not sure there has been a full 30 consecutive days yet. The obssession phase is very high right now. This of course is causing a lot of anxiety for me at this time. 

  At 1st during the separation my dBPDh did accelerate his behavior. 

I'm thinking about that now. The extinction burst effect.

  That ended up being the only way for him to truly hit bottom and start doing recovery for himself. 

It looks like she has that undertaken now. She's very strongly attached to do this for her own life and not for this relationship now. And the 'bottom' has been coming more in small cumulative increments rather than in a big event.

  It sounds like you used to be in therapy and used to be in a group, any plans to start something up again?  Therapeutic and 12 step support through this is really the only way I have been able get through this and thrive. 

Yes. I am thinking about it. The support group I used to attend has dissolved. But I have kept regular contact with 3 of its members, and we've been following each other's stories for a while now. I might see if I could not get on some sort of accountability plan with them, like to work on a sponsor/buddy system.

I am hoping to get on with this board too, as far as BPD goes. The focus of 2 of my other supports has been on the SA part only. Definitely therapeutic when I'll start to work FT again.

    

Thank you for your checking on me, guys!...

It sure feels good each time to meet new people who know how it feels like...