Boundaries... 8 years later

[Married2monster]

Hello everyone,

I'm so happy I found this site.  I'm constantly in a paralyzed state of shock with my husband.  Sometimes I think I'm just as crazy because the same cycles have continued and for the first time im testing the major boundary territory.  It's terrifying!  In the beginning I had no idea... .in fact to be honest it took a very long time for me to really disgest this.  Anyway, first few years I was so stupid in love with him I just thought I was reforming a bad boy.  Then the psycho crazy started.  To fast forward to now, we are married and I'm completely dependent on him financially with two kids.  My kids.  He has daughter he has completely abandoned which keeps me up at night.  I witnessed the progression of that abandonment.  He LOVED her and was such a loving hands-on dad.  Now he is just this... .whiny baby that sucks the life out of me!

So much to layout for the whole story and unfortunately I don't have time right now.  I'm looking forward to chatting on here with people that can understand!  There are a lot of complications but at the moment I'm hanging tough with completely ignoring him.  Should tell you he works in another state.  We don't see him often, which works for everyone at this juncture.  Being away from me has always been his survival.  He would sleep in a car in winter to avoid getting deep into things with me.  Anyway I finally just hit the wall.  He was in town few days ago and his behavior in light of what I was discussing with him about me was... .DISGUSTING.  Happens everytime but this one... .i won't survive if I continue this mad dance.  When he left he never brought it up.  He knew I was very mad and did his usual tirade of "I can't lose you!  I love you!  I will get help!"  Proceeds to ignore the fact that any of that day happened for next two days and just "talks at me".  I don't exsist.  I blew my stack which I usually end up doing because A. Even though I'm used to his abusive fits... .it cores me.  I'm feeling more and more like an abused wife.  I feel numb.  In shock.  Which is crazy... .how can he still shock me?  B.  It pisses me off!  But... .none the less I feel much, much worse after letting him have it.  Because now he has more of me to gobble up and now I'm more vulnerable and broken.  Super nutty thing is I actually think I've made an impact this time.  Nope.  It never happened.  A few more things happened in following days where I just told myself... .no more.  So he texts.  Daily.  All of four lines.  Acting like he is hysterical to reach me.  No calls.  And for eight years always the SAME messages.  He always acts like its the first time!  It's chilling!

Anyway I really want to maintain and show him he can't dismiss my feelings.  I've literally been the only glue holding us together.  So I will continue to ignore him until he reacts respectfully because trust me... .he isn't short on texts from me describing my feelings!  It was repeated vocally as well.  But he plays dumb.  Fills his quota of "trying" to reach me. 

What happens when you hold to this kind of boundary?  I really want a divorce but can't do it right now.  He knows it.  I've vocalized my fear that if I ever hold to this until I get respect... .he will move on quickly and we'll be dead to him.  He can be insanely cruel... .but has always taking care of us and puts us before him financially.  He swears on his life his love for me is real.  It's a mind$&! 

Strong but nervous... .thanks for reading! 

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[rarsweet]

When they swear on something it just makes it sound better

[Married2monster]

I would love to hear more about what you mean.  As much as I know about this, the intimacy confuses me.  I tend to look at him as an individual that is screwing with me.  Playing me.  I have to constantly remind myself he has this disorder... .funny thing is he owns it.  Isn't that unusual?  From everything I've know about BPD that isn't the norm.  Though he uses it.  The other day he cried out in despair as if I was the abusive one and said ":)on't you know what I have?  That there is something wrong with me?"  Very aggressive tone... .of course.   

[Married2monster]

Just happy to be here.  I had to modify first post.  I was in major denial on many fronts.  This site is amazing.  I feel so much safer being here and not in my head.     As much as I've always wanted my marriage to work; I know I have to start mentally preparing for what will happen after NC. 

I wish I would have found this years ago and listened to the words of wisdom and experience.  It's an incredibly painful existence.  I felt very much like my situation was "unique".  It's clearly not.  There is comfort in that.  I know I'm on the edge of the end and I'm more terrified than I'm allowing myself to feel.  I've become a completely different person.  Physically, socially and mentally.  I was very outgoing and had success.  I was a dreamer.  I'm just a zombie now putting one foot in front of the other.  That is a massive improvement though.  I'm allowing myself to quietly celebrate little daily victories. 

I was thinking about this today driving.  I was outside myself looking in and thinking it's almost like I'm trying to breathe through a painful medical procedure.  Very calm and breathing.  I used to be such a Type A and always striving for something.  Now I feel like I'm my own nurse when I realize I'm in a better place from where I was a week ago, even a day ago.  I have forced myself to go for a walk and do extra chores around house just to feel like I'm "okay" and accomplishing something.  Moving forward.  Gaining strength.  It's like I've been in a major car accident and I don't know who I was. 

I will say while I'm taking stock in improvement and being conscious of it, I also feel this terrifying twinge like... .I'm actually on the tightrope!  Somehow I'm moving.  Like don't look down just keep moving... .slowly!  I really do feel like I have to take baby-steps.  I was in a MASSIVE depression. 

Anyone else making those baby-steps?  Fearing what's ahead?  Setting goals?