Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 01:18:17 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: 8 year old son avoid communicating with me :(  (Read 394 times)
half-life
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 217



« on: January 13, 2015, 12:45:54 AM »

I have recently split with my wife. Two sons 4 and 8 spend most of the time with my wife. I am very frustrate and sad that my older son is avoiding communicating with me. Our separation is amicable and we try our best to cooperate for the kids. While I was out working and providing for the family, my wife bear the most of the child rearing work. I think my son see me as an addon and not necessary the person at the core of his life

I have arranged to have video calls with the kids before bed each day. My intention is to have a short chat and maintain a constant presence in their life even when they are staying with my wife most of the time. It turned out to be a tiresome exercise in practice. He is obviously not wanting to take and try to make excuses. He might not look into the camera and doing other things, or he just make a quick appearance and then run away. I tried my best to make a conversation but I am complete helpless on the other side of the video. He also make bad excuses that it is time to get to bed or it is time to brush his teeth. Yes I set these rules about bed time. But he always have plenty of things to do and push way beyond the set time. I have never seen him willing go to bed except as an excuse to get away from the call. And I am sure he will not actually eager to go to sleep on the call has ended.

One time have I learned that he has done something good to his younger brother. I praise him on the call. Instead it was a cat and mouse game with me urging to come to the camera, and he never show his face. Not even for a short time so that I can say a few words and tell him how pleased I am with him. When he failed to response after my repeated call to him, I hanged up in great frustration.

When I am with him face to face we have some other difficulty but also a lot of good interactions. Video call is probably the most difficult situation. I imagine myself to be a great friend with my sons, a fun but also respected father figure. I never imagine it would turn out to be so difficult even for little thing like this. Many of these daily calls turn out to be great frustrations and actually causing me a pain.  :'(

Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2015, 09:57:43 AM »

Hi half-life,

At 9, my son was scheduled to have nightly calls after I divorced his dad. He never had anything to say, didn't like talking on the phone. I thought it was his dad. But even with me, who he is bonded to, he does not like talking on the phone. I would try to Skype with him while traveling, same thing.

Some of it is developmental.

But it's also very awkward for our kids to be themselves because the other parent is probably nearby or listening. There may be an interrogation after to see what he said, and he could be punished for saying the wrong thing or appearing to like or love talking to you.

Does he play any online games? You could befriend him in one of those games and have a private way to communicate that is under the radar away from his mom. If she lets him do that kind of thing.

It's a really good idea to read some of the parental alienation books. Check out Lesson 6 to the right ------> There are books there like Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison and another one that came out recently called Coparenting with a Toxic Ex. Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids is also excellent. That will give you an idea of the loyalty binds that BPD parents create for the kids after a divorce, which creates incredible pressure for them. In order to avoid being cut off from mom's love or punished for loving you, kids have to develop unhealthy strategies to cope.

Some people have found it helpful to post questions on the Coping/Healing board here. There are many grown adults who had BPD mothers and fathers growing up. The ones whose parents divorced can tell you what it was like for them, the split identities that they had to create in order to deal with the enmeshment of the BPD parent.

Also, if you haven't already, learn everything you can about validation. Power of Validation is an excellent book for parents. You are going to need that in order to win the heart of your son. His mom can't validate him, only you. It's the magic formula to help him develop into a resilient man who knows how he feels. If you don't help him with validation, he is only going to know what his mom feels.
Logged

Breathe.
david
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2015, 10:15:41 AM »

Ex and I separated in 2007. Our youngest was around five. He didn't like talking on the phone until several months ago at age eleven. I think it just a developmental thing. He actually talked more on the phone when he was five and six and then it became less. He talked to me when we were together so I never got too concerned. It is tough in the beginning.
Logged

half-life
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 217



« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2015, 12:58:31 PM »

Thank you for sharing. It help to see people experience similar scenarios. I just get very frustrated to lock head with him over so many small things. Just don't know what it is going to like when he gets into teenager years. Now that I have split with my wife, my relation with the kids are almost the only thing I care in my life. Part of this is not going so well.

Yes my son like games a whole lot. We allow a limited time he can play games everyday. I would look at it to ways to create more bonding. I prefer hiking though, which he hates.

Logged
momtara
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2015, 02:29:31 PM »

Yeah, I was gonna say the same - kids go through phases.  Recently my older toddler started telling exBPDH that he doesn't want to talk to him or wants to talk to him later.  Yet, he tells me that he misses him.  I think he's not into the phone.  I coax him anyway.  Can your ex coax your son?  Otherwise it may just be a phase.  It sounds very hurtful, which I understand.  It's hard to mean something to him when you can't even praise him and talk to him.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2015, 03:02:51 PM »

I prefer hiking though, which he hates.

My T is a big believer in finding things that both people like to do. My son likes video games, and I like being outdoors. I found this game for smartphones called Dokobots where you can see the map of your area, and then you go out and collect these "robots" and batteries. You can do a bunch of stuff with the robots, like naming them, and then you can ,send them places where other people will find them. Some people will even take pictures of wherever on the earth they found the robots and you'll get a digital postcard through the game. We got into that for about 6 months, and then started geocaching together when S13 was about 11 or so. That was pretty fun, although he recently outgrew it so I'm trying to find the next thing for us to do together.

The first time we played Dokobots, we walked for about 2 hours in our neighborhood and had a lot of fun. Then we got together with a group of kids and they took off together (with our phones!) in a park. After that, one of the parents gave the kids walkie-talkies and that gave some of the other kids a job (communicating with us on the other side of the park).
Logged

Breathe.
Dutched
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 494


« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2015, 04:55:57 AM »

I have recently split with my wife. Two sons 4 and 8 spend most of the time with my wife. I am very frustrate and sad that my older son is avoiding communicating with me. Our separation is amicable and we try our best to cooperate for the kids. While I was out working and providing for the family, my wife bear the most of the child rearing work. I think my son see me as an addon and not necessary the person at the core of his life


When I am with him face to face we have some other difficulty but also a lot of good interactions. Video call is probably the most difficult situation. I imagine myself to be a great friend with my sons, a fun but also respected father figure. I never imagine it would turn out to be so difficult even for little thing like this. Many of these daily calls turn out to be great frustrations and actually causing me a pain.  :'(

Sorry to hear this struggle, it is hard, vey hard when a child doesn’t want tot talk with you!

As you mentioned, keep up the daily contact! Stay kind, tell him about your day (only positive and/or humoristic situations)  around the house or about his idea to have an activity with you.

Despite developmental issues that might play a role in this, please, please, note what livednlearned wrote about PAS  (Parental Alienation Syndrome)    

www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm

www.parentalalienation.org/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html

www.parentalalienation.org.uk/

Please be aware, once ‘in progress’, it will be hard to reverse! 

Our separation is amicable and we try our best to cooperate for the kids

Is that mom’s real face as we are on this Board?

Does she play a different role at her house, do you notice the same contradictions, or how the kids make some remarks?   

When I am with him face to face we have some other difficulty but also a lot of good interactions

Of course a kid of divorced parents have great difficulties to adjust/ They are in the middle of the situation, dealing with their emotions, trust in all they believed is gone and therefore become afraid to show their emotional vulnerability.

See  Judith Wallerstein  www.waynegrudem.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Summary-of-Judith-Wallerstein-book-on-consequences-of-divorce1.pdf

Please, stay alert!
Logged

For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2015, 09:38:50 AM »

Something else that helped me keep the parental alienation under some degree of control: having a good therapist for you to help point out the difference between normal child behavior/development, and signs that things are starting to go off the rails. A good part of my therapy sessions the first year or so after divorce were about my relationship with S13.

You may have a tendency to avoid conflict, and that also means avoiding important feelings that can inadvertently contribute to the parental alienation. Read the lessons and take a look at the recommended books -- it's almost a given that there will be PA and loyalty binds that you have to understand in order to neutralize them.
Logged

Breathe.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!