Most pathetic bloke on earth

[Yaffle]

 and Most f*****g useless man she’s ever met!

Apparently!

Don't think I handled that conversation too well then!

Just a bit fed up with her complaining about feeling dizzy all the time and how its ruining her life and I do so little to help her with it while she's gone and cancelled 3 doctors appointments in the past month.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

and Most f*****g useless man she’s ever met!

Apparently!

Don't think I handled that conversation too well then!

Just a bit fed up with her complaining about feeling dizzy all the time and how its ruining her life and I do so little to help her with it while she's gone and cancelled 3 doctors appointments in the past month.

Can you write out some "he said... she said" so we can follow the conversation some... I think we can help you from there.

Make notes next to the parts you think you handled well... and why.

And the parts you think you could do better on... .and why.

Hang in there... .

[Yaffle]

Basically she’s been suffering from dizziness for 12 months now.  In that time she’s been to the doctors about 5 times about it but thinks it’s about 20 times.  She’s suffering from various other things like anaemia too but the doctor doesn’t really seem to be doing much about these either.

Anyway, this morning I’d been getting myself ready for work and the kids ready for the school run and had not really seen much of GF as she was still in bed until 45 minutes before I was due to leave and then I was in the bathroom for 20 minutes etc after she did get up but I had seen her around the house and moving not too badly.

Just before I was due to leave I went to walk past her in the hall and she stumbled into the wall.  I said ‘Feeling rough again?’  She replied ‘Absolutely awful.’  I know it’s not the right response but it’s so frustrating that she keeps cancelling appointments and also I was rushing for work that I said ‘Well, why do you keep cancelling appointments then?’

Her reply ‘I’ve had this for 12 months now and they’ve done nothing so what’s the point’

Me ‘They can’t do anything if you don’t go and see them and push your point’

That’s when the above came out as I ‘don’t do anything to help’.  As much as anything I think she hates doing the school run and gets stressed by it which makes her dizziness seem worse.  I think the whole thing could be stressed related but obviously she doesn’t agree with this.

To be honest I’m not that bothered about her saying things like that.  I know its not true and actually find it quite laughable, the lengths she’ll go to to try and hurt me.  So much so that there are times I can’t help smiling when she’s ranting at me which obviously isn’t a good idea!   

[formflier]

OK... .few quick thoughts... .

Stop asking leading questions... ."do you feel bad... .? "  you are suggesting a response.

A bit better... ."how do you feel this morning... ." shows concern but if you know the response is bad... .it allows her to vent... .

Best "  Reach out and gently touch her when passing by... .say something neutral about the day before... ." I enjoyed the steak you made me... ."  Don't be over the top about it being great... or you being happy.  If she is in crappy mood... .this could invalidate her.

You need an opening line that tests the waters... .but starts going down a positive road.

If she goes negative... .validate and redirect to positive... .ask her for a response to something positive... .":)o you want me to pick up some of that xyz you like at the store... .that would be a great addition for dinner tonight."

Before you suggest she does things... .use SET.  or SE SE SE T.  With the T being... .you need to be in a doctors office. 

Thoughts?

[Yaffle]

Makes sense.  I'll see what I can do.  Normally I do ask how she's feeling but I just get fed up with hearing it all over and over again at times and as I've read before on here, she never asks how I am.  I do oocasionaly get 'How was work?' but if I reply 'Not so good' or similar all I get is 'Well its ok for you, you should try being me' type responses.

[formflier]

  but if I reply 'Not so good' or similar all I get is 'Well its ok for you, you should try being me' type responses.

Yep... .so... you know you will get that... .so stay away from that.

If you want the dynamic to change around your house... .you will have to lead that change... .don't explain it to her... .just do it.

We can help guide you... .

[ColdEthyl]

Yep all of these sound familiar! I am so thankful to formflier for his advice it's always so solid!

Yaffle, I'm still working on getting my dBPDh into a doctor. I must say... .I'd rather bathe 100 cats than to keep trying to move this boulder of a man and I'm allergic to cats!

I'm applying some of the techniques that formflier has suggested, and I do see some progress in the conversation... but it is darn slow process

[Yaffle]

Tried 'How are you feeling?'  this morning and although she did keep going on about it for quite awhile the rage didn't appear.  She even mentioned that she'd looked into booking a doctors appointment but that there were none available

[formflier]

Tried 'How are you feeling?'  this morning and although she did keep going on about it for quite awhile the rage didn't appear.  She even mentioned that she'd looked into booking a doctors appointment but that there were none available

That's good... .I encourage you to pay attention to things today... .so that you can do a "best" approach tomorrow.

When you notice things today that you can use... .try a few of them out here... .we can probably guide some...