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Author Topic: Can we address the pwBPD and their families?  (Read 509 times)
rarsweet
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« on: January 13, 2015, 08:15:24 AM »

Can we address the pwBPD and their families? I have never seen such a family as I see with his. There is a very big family but its as if there is this belief gosh how do I put it, you know how we have our central family our spouce, children, then we have our parents and siblings, then maybe grandparents, cousins etc, sort of like rings around us. My ex it is like his main ring is his father, sister, brother in law, grandmother, cousins under age, his aunt, his ex step mom, he is totally dependent on them then all the rest are like the outsiders, but at times he has literally lived off the others staying with them for awhile and then moving on. It seems like he tries to branch out from that core group,and then always goes back to them when it doesn't work out elsewhere.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2015, 08:20:51 AM »

He doesn't make even a simple decision without calling all of his main people first then he will trash talk them and then do exactly what they told him to do. It was so hard in the relationship because it was never him and I . It was this relationship of 15 people.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2015, 08:28:06 AM »

And the people who haven't put up with him he will say so and so loved me to death but she thought I was wasting my life with her do I had to leave or so and so was so appretiative of me doing the housework but when I confronted her about doing drugs I had to leave or my brother was happy that his kids had their uncle living with him but his wife kicked me out. There seems to be always that someone really loves him living off them, not even ever working, buy something else makes him leave or have to go.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2015, 08:38:35 AM »

Or his sister who is married, intelligent, a school basketball coach, and a nurse, if she needs anything he will drop everything and drive two hours away because he says she doesn't have any friends. To the point where he can't get a job because someone might need him. This is a 35 year old man. Or his father says he is claustrophobic so one night his dad wakes up in a panic attack and decides to go to Walmart to get out of the house and happens to go into a full blow hyperventilating running out of the store panic attack and had to call at 3 in the morning to have his son come get him in the  parking lot. Meanwhile the man lives in a tiny trailer and drives a tiny road sweeper for a living. And his grandmother is 80 and lives alone healthy as a horse but will call to have him drive hours to program her DVD player instead of asking her family that lives close by.
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2015, 10:28:37 AM »

He doesn't make even a simple decision without calling all of his main people first then he will trash talk them and then do exactly what they told him to do. It was so hard in the relationship because it was never him and I . It was this relationship of 15 people.

My bf comes from a large family and is heavily dependent on their advice and their opinions. Occasionally, he will trash talk them and do what they originally advised him to do. The dynamics of his family border heavily on coddling and enabling.  In my opinion, it has do with how his family was socialized and the environment they live in.

From my own experience, I suffer from DPD/co-dependency, I have relied on others advice and opinions. 

I am somewhat confused about the question you are asking.  Are you trying to understand the FOO of your pwBPD?

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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
rarsweet
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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2015, 11:00:26 AM »

Yes and we have a daughter and I know we will have his family in her life so trying to figure out how to deal with the dynamic of them all. And I guess I hope that if I figure out how he got the way he is maybe I can protect her? Wishful thinking?
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2015, 11:11:01 AM »

Yes and we have a daughter and I know we will have his family in her life so trying to figure out how to deal with the dynamic of them all. And I guess I hope that if I figure out how he got the way he is maybe I can protect her? Wishful thinking?

Trying to figure our how he developed a disorder can be attributed to biological and environment factors.  Instead of trying to analyze and interpret your entire pwBPD's FOO, the best bet is to address and focus on specific behaviors that concern you. 

Does the dependency on the family concern you?  Are there other specific behaviors that are a problem?

I can understand that you would want to protect your daughter from certain behaviors. As you mentioned, your daughter is going to have to interact with the family.   Remember you cannot change other people's actions or behaviors, only they can. You can learn how to cope with them more effectively.  Also, you have the ability to teach your daughter. 
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2015, 12:08:05 PM »

I can understand that you would want to protect your daughter from certain behaviors. As you mentioned, your daughter is going to have to interact with the family.   Remember you cannot change other people's actions or behaviors, only they can. You can learn how to cope with them more effectively.  Also, you have the ability to teach your daughter. 

EaglesJuJu has said some very wise things here... .

I sometimes present the same things in a different way... .try this on for size.  Right now we are "goal setting".

It is great that you want to protect your daughter... .but I don't think that is the best goal.

Thing about good, better, best.

I think your statement is somewhere between good and better.

Best:  IMO... .is that you will be deliberate about modeling and teaching your daughter healthy ways of relating to people.  Family or not.

Erase all notions of "convincing" or "telling" her that the "other way" is bad.  That will set up arguments.  Best to show them healthy... .and let them connect the dots. 

Connecting dots is part of growing up.

So... .think about the things you want to protect your daughter from.  Don't get specific... .try to find the general principle behind the dysfuctional behavior.

List some of that out here.  I think we can guide you from there.

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rarsweet
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« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2015, 12:21:48 PM »

My biggest worry is the isolation that I see within the family and that they are already doing that to our daughter  I worry that by isolating they can get away with abusive behavior. I can't stand that they don't have any responsibility for themselves, they just pass the buck,
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« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2015, 02:46:33 PM »

My biggest worry is the isolation that I see within the family and that they are already doing that to our daughter  I worry that by isolating they can get away with abusive behavior. I can't stand that they don't have any responsibility for themselves, they just pass the buck,

What do you mean by isolation? How are they isolating your daughter? I think I understand the dynamic that you are describing because it is similar to how things are in my family of origin. It reminds me of the "Inner circle" that is talked about in "Meet the Fokkers". Only certain people are in the inner circle. In my family, who is in it subject to change based on who my parents are mad at. Right now, my oldest two siblings are cut off and my middle sister is eating up their "wisdom". I got a call yesterday from my brother (cut off) about how our sister went to see him and spent the whole time talking about the advice she was getting from our parents while at the same time ragging on them. Because my brother is on the outs, he doesn't want to hear any of it. Our middle sister will ask him for advice and then counter him with, "But mom and dad said . . ." It is maddening how when you are in the inner circle, you don't see the craziness of it all.

As far as isolating the kids, I have seen it with my parents. They have this tendency to point out how the rest of the world sucks and "we" are all better than the rest of the world. It isn't a direct isolation as much as it setting up a situation where the kids go gaga over grandma and there is a push/pull where it feels like there is some kind of twisted competition going on. And the other part of isolation is "rescuing" you to the point where you don't feel like you can do anything on your own. My husband and I have joked that we are both afraid to get a divorce as long as our parents are alive. If we divorced, then we would have to put up with the BS from our FOOs and that would be an even bigger hell than anything we have experienced thus far.
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« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2015, 04:55:33 PM »

 

I'm with VOC... .I understand the dynamic... .see lots of that in my wife's FOO.  Constantly shifting alliances... especially among the females.  Males try to stay out of the way of female rages.  It's funny now to see the females rage huff and snort about me or around me now... and then when I just move along and don't react... .you can see they kinda scratch their heads... .

I'm an only... .my FOO is a bit "uptight" or businesslike.  Mom is a bit controlling.  Dad serves here.

I need to understand more about "isolation" before I can comment.

"Smothering with love" and "isolation" are very different to me.  Smothering can be unhealthy... .
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2015, 05:00:42 PM »

"Smothering with love" and "isolation" are very different to me.  Smothering can be unhealthy... .

The way my mother does it, they are all part of the same twisted thing. My mother will smother people with love to gain their allegiance. If are are in my mother's "circle", there is nobody else. If you are in her circle, then you must hate the people she hates and love the people that she loves. If you are in her circle, she will smother you with love and suck you into her twisted little world. If you reject being smothered, then she will reject you. But, the smothering is part of the isolation process.
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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2015, 05:10:15 PM »

 

ding ding ding ding... .we have a winner.

Exactly the same process.

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rarsweet
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« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2015, 08:26:41 PM »

My ex and his dad literally only leave the house to go see those inner circle people they don't have friends they don't go to bars or movies my ex doesn't work his dad drives a sweeping truck part time they don't want anyone even holding our baby except the circle no one can be in pictures with her except the circle he literally wouldn't take a pic of us when she was born there are no pics of her and I only him and his circle with her I mean now he is single and so is his dad and they both don't want to do anything without her or even bring her anywhere
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rarsweet
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« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2015, 08:46:10 PM »

When we were together he had to have the curtains closed all the time he would lock the doors even if we were all out in the yard no one came over except his dad if anyone else did he would go in another room or go on his phone I asked him to go to a coparenting class he refused said he wanted to keep his schedule free for Abby I asked him to take do a program for fathers where I go he said no he didn't want to be away from Abby I told him you actually bring her with you its a playgroup he said no he doesn't need to be judged I sent him some child development stuff from my class I take he said he didn't need paperwork from my people. Its like he doesn't want any normal human interaction but he wants sole custudy , when we were together I was not a allowed to go outside with her without him he would make everyone wash their hands in front of him before they could come near her, I work at a restaurant so everyone constantly washes and he made my boss wash and sanitize before she could touch her, if he sees a bee or mosquito she has to go in if its raining windy she has to go in, he wouldn't let my mom change her diaper when we were together, and my mom was the oldest of twelve, had 3 kids, and 6 grandchildren, she knows what she is doing. Seems like he treats Abby as a car he keeps in the garage and waxes all the time. It scarey.
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« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2015, 10:49:27 PM »

I think I am a bit confused about what it is that is going on. Were you and your ex ever married? Who has custody of your daughter? Are there any court orders regarding custody or is everything done by agreement between you and him?

Yes, your ex and his dad sound very strange as you describe them. If you could get some kind of legal order that spelled out custody and who has your daughter when, then it might not be as big of a deal because then you would have complete say of what goes on when she is with you and being isolated with them during their visits might not be as troublesome. Ultimately, there isn't really anything you can do about your ex and his family of origin. They are who they are and you have to figure out how to navigate things with them. I know that my mother in law is very controlling and critical. I have had problems with her over the years. My husband doesn't care for the goofiness in my family of origin. It took both of us acknowledging the dysfunction to ourselves and each other before we could even think about figuring out how to navigate those waters. I have tried to limit the amount of contact that my kids have with their grandparents. As a result, my kids and I are not part of the inner circle and my mom seems to find all kinds of excuses not to help me and not to babysit. She will be in the neighborhood and won't stop by. She always has a BS excuse but I know that the truth is more than likely due to the fact that I have set some pretty clear boundaries over the years.
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« Reply #16 on: January 14, 2015, 07:17:59 AM »

 

So... .what happens when you don't give in to demands to "go back in... "  or try to get a mutual agreement.

Mutual agreement would be... .he wants to go in now.  You want to stay out another hour... .you discuss and both agree to stay out 30 minutes.

From what you describe... .I am dealing with a "lighter" version of this in my family... .sorry don't have magic pill... .I'm still working on making it better... .
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rarsweet
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« Reply #17 on: January 14, 2015, 07:41:06 AM »

We were never married we did live together we splitup and iI filed a parenting petition the court ordered 50/50 custody aalternating three days until final hearing next month. My ex had asked the judge for sole custody as he wanted to move closer to his circle that is in another state two hours away the judge said no so he moved in with his dad who lives here.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #18 on: January 14, 2015, 07:48:30 AM »

 What is scarey is that he is completely sure that the judge will give him sole custody with no visitation for me and let him move to another state and he doesn't have a job even and I breastfeed work go to school and have two older children, I don't think he is in touch with reality at all.
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« Reply #19 on: January 14, 2015, 07:49:36 AM »

We were never married we did live together we splitup and iI filed a parenting petition the court ordered 50/50 custody aalternating three days until final hearing next month. My ex had asked the judge for sole custody as he wanted to move closer to his circle that is in another state two hours away the judge said no so he moved in with his dad who lives here.

Do you have a lawyer?  Have you been discussing this over there on the legal board?

Has the court ordered counseling and evaluations?

This is staying board... .I don't want to get too deep into details over here.

With a month to go until a final custody hearing with a person that displays traits of BPD... .that is my primary concern.  That hearing will determine more about your child's welfare than anything we discuss on here.

Please keep coming back here... .this is a productive discussion... .but we need to clarify your priorities based on time available

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« Reply #20 on: January 14, 2015, 07:51:05 AM »

  I don't think he is in touch with reality at all.

I'm more interested in making your you are in touch with the reality of custody hearings with people that display traits of BPD.

Very important questions to be answered quickly... .
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