I'm no longer in love with him. Just dependent financially.

[Married2monster]

I posted something last night but as I read through the posts I'm realizing I'm completely naive.  I guess to some degree I'm on a pink cloud and need someone to help me accept what I'm dealing with and more importantly; understand what I'm dealing with.  I know he has BPD.  I know the drill on behaviors and attention seeking; EVERYTHING is about him.  No matter what is going on.  I'm no longer in love with him.  Just dependent financially.  I would be lying if I said his behavior doesn't rip me to shreds.  It does.  I take it personally.  Worse; I believe what he tells me.  We've spent years trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with him.  

He is very aware of what he has and owns it.  BUT I've been waiting for this so called "help" he is going to get.  He has seen handful of therapists but doesn't follow through.  Now he put it on me to get him books that will help him.  :)BT, etc.  I got a few for him and he SWEARS... .THIS TIME; he is going to apply himself.  Three weeks later... .I never hear a word about these books.  Just more neglect.  Neglect is a big one.  Normal I suppose?

I'm fearful of what I thought someone referred to as push/pull on here?  I would love to be clued into the lingo!  I've always kept this nightmare going by putting up with his crap and believing he "loves me and will NEVER leave me" that he "just needs help and I will see how much he really loves me"... .I just see his episodes and tantrums getting worse.  After eight years to say I'm invested is putting it mildly.  When I didn't know what this was I went through my self-esteem was destroyed.  Obviously.

I'm pulling back.  He isn't really reacting.  He never does.  :)o they ever?  I'm always the one to crack it.  I have spent years calling him out on his behavior but what good does that do?  I'm sure this is a common question; but if I REALLY disappear will HE?  We are married.  He is working in another state.  Very rarely home.  Has sex addiction with porn but has cheated on me once years ago.  He always swears he isn't viewing porn but I always find out he is.  In fact he gets very angry at me that I don't believe him.  Always lies.  I beat it into his brain that I know if I pull away he will find someone as fast as he can.  I guess I've done that so he might not take that step.  As if he would feel guilty?  He apologizes all the time for past behavior and the ongoing BS but I feel like a sitting duck.  I cannot continue to play this game.  I've lost everything I had that was "me".  I'm a mess.  I feel so much better and healthier ignoring him.  My health has declined from stress.  Been through more hell than I'd like to admit.  Nothing phases him.  

I do have a child with a disability that surfaced four years ago.  I can't work.  I use to be the breadwinner.  Husband is not only supporting us but he always says things like "you will NEVER have to work".  I feel like this is a way of keeping me around.  My gut?  He could easily leave and never turn back.  

His own daughter he has completely abandoned.  Which he cries about.  If I bring it up.  If I don't.  She doesn't exist.  My mother is completely terrified if he can do that to his own flesh and blood... .

I would really appreciate feedback.  

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

 

Hi, M2M!

Most of us have picked up on the lingo by reading posts and articles and lessons offered here on the site.  It can be confusing, for sure.  The lessons to the right of the page are really good, as is the Safety First link, just to know what to do if you need to.

The push/pull you describe about his recovery is something we all struggle with.  You've done a good thing by reaching out here, and I hope you will gain wisdom and strength by exploring the options here on this site. 

It's important sometimes to take a step back from your own situation, and try to determine what you can do, and what is in his control.  Co-dependency is a predominant characteristic of relationships (r/s) that involve people with BPD (pwBPD).  HINT:  put abbreviation definitions into the search bar and you will find a link that explains all of them.  I just don't know how to post the link here, or I'd do that     This search tool will work with any topic, I use it often.

Gotta go, good intentions coming your way,

c.

[Married2monster]

Thanks Crumbling!  I'm happy I'm here.  Appreciate the guidance! 

Best,

M2M