We have 4 daughters together. Ages 6, 7, 10, 13.
1) What are your children viewing between you and your high conflict (HC) spouse? Not stuff directed TO them, but what do they see and hear?
They see and hear us arguing and bickering. They see me doing the lion's share of the work around the house. They see dad spending lots of time on the computer. They see me get frustrated with feeling like I don't have much help around the house. They have made comments about how my husband and I interact but they have also experienced how difficult it is to try to communicate with him.
2. What things does your HC spouse say or do to the children directly? How do your children respond?
This one is difficult to describe. For the longest time, he was checked out and would spend most of his time on his computer games. On evenings when I work, the girls usually report that he spent most of the evening on his games. Sometimes he talks to them without any problems. Other times, he gets kind of snappy and defensive. The girls sometimes respond in very disrespectful ways. A lot of times, they circumvent him and come get me, which means that most of the kid stuff is on me.
He is very invalidating towards the kids. There have been instances where they will say something tastes funny and he will argue with them. In one case, the milk had gone bad and he wanted to argue about it. Lots of little stuff like that. And, the kids don't really trust him. They have made comments to me and when dad isn't around that show that they have little or no respect for him.
There was a period of time when my husband said stuff about suicide around the kids. They have seen him stomp off and pout like a little kid. They have commented about his childishness. They have asked me why he doesn't act like a dad. At times, he acts more like a sibling than a parent.
3) Do you worry that your children will be permanently affected by any behaviors, and if so, what concerns you the most?
Yes, I have a lot of worries about this. I worry that they will have a distorted view of relationships. I worry that they will pick up some of the behaviors. I am already seeing this to some degree as a couple of the girls have lots of anxiety. The girls seem to be a lot less anxious when he isn't around. I am seeing low self esteem in the oldest. Not sure if that is related to husband's behaviors or whether it is an age thing. I know that my oldest has expressed that she doesn't feel important and that she doesn't always feel like her dad loves her.
4) Have you taken any steps to help the children, or do you feel helpless and not know what to do? What steps have you taken, and have they worked well, so-so or not at all? Are you afraid that saying things or taking steps will just make your partner angrier?
My approach has changed significantly over time. When I had no idea about BPD or anything else, I was looking at things from a completely different angle. When the girls would express negativity about dad, I would essentially invalidate them and try to help them see the good things about dad. That made things worse so I did a bunch of reading and research. In the last couple of years, especially since finding this site, I validate what they have to say and I have tried to apply more consistent standards. I have tried to approach things as, "I don't want to see anybody throwing fits." so that I am not singling anybody out but I am also trying to hold dad to the same set of standards that the kids are being held to with regards to politeness, fit throwing, etc.
I feel like the kids are pretty savvy when it comes to dealing with dad. One of the kids makes it a point to try to build him up. She jokes that it is butt kissing and that she feels sorry for dad and wants to make him feel better about himself. Another daughter tries to avoid him. Each of the kids seems to have her own coping mechanism. I have talked to my oldest about dad's mental health problems but I haven't mentioned it to the younger kids. It is more of a case of "this is how dad is" and we try to find ways to work around it.
5) Have you ever tried to explain to the kids anything about mental illness or personality disorders, or in fact given any explanation for why their parent might be acting in this way?
I have talked to my kids about mental illness because I have a lot of mental illness in my family. They have seen people in my FOO behave rather strangely and I have talked about how their brains don't always function properly. With my oldest daughter, we have had a lot of discussions about this sort of stuff. The younger kids don't seem to want an explanation. There concern is more about how to deal with dad.
6) Have you taken your children to seek professional help?
Not yet! I would like for the girls and I to seek professional help together with or without dad. I think it would have t initially be without him because they do not feel comfortable opening up when he is around.
