Need help detaching a bit.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I need a bit of help with some detaching. I have gotten myself in a position of waiting on him hand and foot, and caring for him almost like a newborn that I can leave home alone.

It started with a big back injury that his need for help was legit. That has been improved for a very long time now to the point that while he may always have occasional flair-ups, he is fine now.

Any attempt to back off of my role as caregiver is met with rage. Even tiny things I do are met with you're changing.  You are trying to separate yourself from me. (Along with dysregulation in some form or the other).

Even giving my mom the phone number of a mechanic friend of ours without telling him is a problem for him.

I think it is also important to note that I have stopped asking him to do things & I'm not sure if I am going about it correctly. Before, i would ask him to do something & he would either never do it, or he would expect me to stand with him and be his assistant (servant) for things that were not  that kind of job. Now, i just do it my self, or make other arangements that don't cause me excess stress. I think i may be invalidating the "man" in him by doing this.

[sadeyes]

I need a bit of help with some detaching. I have gotten myself in a position of waiting on him hand and foot, and caring for him almost like a newborn that I can leave home alone.

It started with a big back injury that his need for help was legit. That has been improved for a very long time now to the point that while he may always have occasional flair-ups, he is fine now.

Any attempt to back off of my role as caregiver is met with rage. Even tiny things I do are met with you're changing.  You are trying to separate yourself from me. (Along with dysregulation in some form or the other).

Even giving my mom the phone number of a mechanic friend of ours without telling him is a problem for him.

I think it is also important to note that I have stopped asking him to do things & I'm not sure if I am going about it correctly. Before, i would ask him to do something & he would either never do it, or he would expect me to stand with him and be his assistant (servant) for things that were not  that kind of job. Now, i just do it my self, or make other arangements that don't cause me excess stress. I think i may be invalidating the "man" in him by doing this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I need a bit of help with some detaching. I have gotten myself in a position of waiting on him hand and foot, and caring for him almost like a newborn that I can leave home alone.

It started with a big back injury that his need for help was legit. That has been improved for a very long time now to the point that while he may always have occasional flair-ups, he is fine now.

Any attempt to back off of my role as caregiver is met with rage. Even tiny things I do are met with you're changing.  You are trying to separate yourself from me. (Along with dysregulation in some form or the other).

Even giving my mom the phone number of a mechanic friend of ours without telling him is a problem for him.

I think it is also important to note that I have stopped asking him to do things & I'm not sure if I am going about it correctly. Before, i would ask him to do something & he would either never do it, or he would expect me to stand with him and be his assistant (servant) for things that were not  that kind of job. Now, i just do it my self, or make other arangements that don't cause me excess stress. I think i may be invalidating the "man" in him by doing this.

I think we can help with this... .probably will be some back and forth as we ask questions and clarify.

First... .is there a diagnosis of BPD?  Any past therapy?  Was he at all this way before the injury?

Second:  When he rages... .do you give in?  Do you give him what he wants or is "after"?

Why did he say it was a problem that you gave a phone number without telling him?  Was there a prior agreement on this?

How long since you have read the lessons.?... hint... look to the right side of the screen.

If its been more than a month... read them again... .look for your "story" in what you read.  Post your observations over here.

Hang in there... we can help... .

[vortex of confusion]

I want to ask another question in addition to what FF has already asked. What do his rages look like?

My husband's rages are more like a little kids' temper tantrum where he huffs and puffs and stomps around and gets nasty. They are very stressful and disconcerting for me but they are not inherently dangerous. I think it is important to be honest with yourself about whether or not his rages will put you in physical danger. The reason that I bring this up is that if his rages put you in physical danger, then you need to have an exit plan to keep yourself safe.

I would recommend looking at the stuff on this site about boundaries. Oh man, it is soo hard to implement boundaries with somebody that is used to getting his way. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say that you do everything yourself because you don't want to deal with the stress of asking him and then having to deal with the fall out. I was there about a year ago. I was doing it all (bills, child care, mowing the grass, crawling in the attic to work on the AC, and a bunch of other stuff). It was tiring and exhausting.

Instead of making a bunch of changes all at once, pick ONE thing and work on that ONE thing. Yes, there will be push back but over time it might even out. Once you get that ONE thing down, then pick another. Is it easy? Nope. For me, trying to figure out where to start has been the most difficult because I was (and at times still am) so unbelievably overwhelmed by trying to unravel my own thoughts and my own thinking. In all honesty, my long term goal is to leave but for now, my goal is to find ways to make our house more peaceful without me working myself to the point of exhausting and complete burn out.

[sadeyes]

I need a bit of help with some detaching. I have gotten myself in a position of waiting on him hand and foot, and caring for him almost like a newborn that I can leave home alone.

It started with a big back injury that his need for help was legit. That has been improved for a very long time now to the point that while he may always have occasional flair-ups, he is fine now.

Any attempt to back off of my role as caregiver is met with rage. Even tiny things I do are met with you're changing.  You are trying to separate yourself from me. (Along with dysregulation in some form or the other).

Even giving my mom the phone number of a mechanic friend of ours without telling him is a problem for him.

I think it is also important to note that I have stopped asking him to do things & I'm not sure if I am going about it correctly. Before, i would ask him to do something & he would either never do it, or he would expect me to stand with him and be his assistant (servant) for things that were not  that kind of job. Now, i just do it my self, or make other arangements that don't cause me excess stress. I think i may be invalidating the "man" in him by doing this.

I think we can help with this... .probably will be some back and forth as we ask questions and clarify.

First... .is there a diagnosis of BPD?  Any past therapy?  Was he at all this way before the injury?

No dx, no therapy other than drug treatment as a teenager. He does take an antidepressant prescribed by his cardiologist to treat anxiety. Yes, he has always had the issues. They are worse now than they were. I have a bit of experience with mental illness from my FOO. I have known for a long time that there was something going on, but his need for a "mommy" has gotten worse. His childhood idls a perfect storm for BPD traits with likely comorbodity

Second:  When he rages... .do you give in?  Do you give him what he wants or is "after"? I leave now, but I do admit to intermittant reinforcement.

Why did he say it was a problem that you gave a phone number without telling him?  Was there a prior agreement on this?

No prior agreement. I think it may be a control issue.  He said i was doing my "separatist thing" again. I do think it is a control thing. I feel that he attempts to be in total control.  There have been incidents before where I said I was going to grocery store x & changed my mind in route & went to grocery y. He has become angry that I should have called & told him & that I lied to and manipulated him by going to the other store.

How long since you have read the lessons.?... hint... look to the right side of the screen.

Need to re-read

If its been more than a month... read them again... .look for your "story" in what you read.  Post your observations over here.

Hang in there... we can help... .

[sadeyes]

I want to ask another question in addition to what FF has already asked. What do his rages look like?

My husband's rages are more like a little kids' temper tantrum where he huffs and puffs and stomps around and gets nasty. They are very stressful and disconcerting for me but they are not inherently dangerous. I think it is important to be honest with yourself about whether or not his rages will put you in physical danger. The reason that I bring this up is that if his rages put you in physical danger, then you need to have an exit plan to keep yourself safe.

I would recommend looking at the stuff on this site about boundaries. Oh man, it is soo hard to implement boundaries with somebody that is used to getting his way. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say that you do everything yourself because you don't want to deal with the stress of asking him and then having to deal with the fall out. I was there about a year ago. I was doing it all (bills, child care, mowing the grass, crawling in the attic to work on the AC, and a bunch of other stuff). It was tiring and exhausting.

Instead of making a bunch of changes all at once, pick ONE thing and work on that ONE thing. Yes, there will be push back but over time it might even out. Once you get that ONE thing down, then pick another. Is it easy? Nope. For me, trying to figure out where to start has been the most difficult because I was (and at times still am) so unbelievably overwhelmed by trying to unravel my own thoughts and my own thinking. In all honesty, my long term goal is to leave but for now, my goal is to find ways to make our house more peaceful without me working myself to the point of exhausting and complete burn out.

Thanks Vortex,

My goal right now is to get things to a point where I can breathe. I cannot make any major decisions until that is done.

He starts with guilt. I am denying him the right to eat by not fixing food. This is a trigger because he has been on the streets as a late teenager/20yo.

He will throw things, scream HORRIBLE things, and attempt top guilt.

He also seems to believe that it is my job to bring in sufficient $ & be avail to fix 4 hot meals + snacks. He will wake me up at 3am to fix food. i will admit I have done it because i am tired & it's easier & faster. I am also bad about "sleep talking" and promising to get up and do whatever when I'm in a semi consious state just top buy a few minutes of sleep. I am only semi consious & barely remember what I say.

[formflier]

 

OK... so... he throws something... .is it at you?  Close to you?

Or he throws something to make a scene and you are close by.

What do you do after he throws something.  Whatever that is... .when need to change it to something healthier.

Eating... is their fruit or food around that he can just eat... no fixing.  I'm thinking that you let him know when you will fix food... .and stick to that.  The rest of the time... .he can figure it out himself.  You are fine to validate his frustration or hunger... but don't "solve" it.

[sadeyes]

OK... so... he throws something... .is it at you?  Close to you?

Or he throws something to make a scene and you are close by.

What do you do after he throws something.  Whatever that is... .when need to change it to something healthier.

Eating... is their fruit or food around that he can just eat... no fixing.  I'm thinking that you let him know when you will fix food... .and stick to that.  The rest of the time... .he can figure it out himself.  You are fine to validate his frustration or hunger... but don't "solve" it.

Both at, near or threats. I get up, put on something quickly (not get ready, just appropriate for the weather/public) & leave immediately. Has not helped really, but I am out of the situation.

It seems to makes him rage more with incessant xalls. I often have to turn my phone off. I tend to turn it back on after an hr or so & am met with 10+ messages. He almost immediately calls again letting me know he has been back to back calling. He will then be engaged over the fact that i didn't answer & he is not going to allow anyone living in the same house w/ him to not answer when he calls.

Yes, there is food that is easy. He will not eat it. I think that it is important to mention that he is a very uncontrolled diabetic (  his choice) & being Hungry makes his behavior particularly volatile.

[formflier]

 

OK... .I'm going to credit another member with saying this... .and invite her to come along and clean up what I messed up.

KateCat puts it out there like this... .

Part of "cleaning up" a r/s with BPD traits all over it... is to focus on cleaning up your side of the street... .and allow "them" to clean up their side of the street.

If you are "helping" him... when he really doesn't need help... it is possible that it is preventing him from cleaning up his side of the street.

Also... .I would comment that with a series of serious medical issues going on... .any changes you make... .you need to encourage him to go to the doctor.

If he doesn't go... .that is on him... .not you.

Boy... .there is a lot going on here...

What happens when you get home after the throwing and the rages... .?

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, there is food that is easy. He will not eat it. I think that it is important to mention that he is a very uncontrolled diabetic (  his choice) & being Hungry makes his behavior particularly volatile.

Ah yes, the blood sugar spikes (both high and low)!

My husband is diabetic as well. Before he got his diabetes under control, things were much much worse than they are now as he would go from being sleepy and falling asleep when his blood sugar was high to being super duper jerk when his blood sugar was low. It isn't your place to have to learn about diabetes and a proper diet but what I am thinking is that if you can come up with ways to improve his diet, then he might tone down his behavior a bit. Feel free to PM me if you want diet tips and tricks to help him manage his diabetes in a more indirect manner. If he is a drinker, encourage him to drink whiskey instead of beer. It has something to do with glycemic index, which is how a particular food impacts the blood sugar.

FF posted while I was writing this so I am going to add that none of this is your responsibility. It is on your husband to manage his own diabetes. But, I have found that making sure that he has foods that he likes and will eat in the house goes a long way. I have helped him find healthy alternatives to the stuff that he used to eat and now he manages it all on his own. It has been a really long and winding road for sure.

As far as the phone calls go, set a boundary. We had a big issue over the constant calling, emailing, and messaging. It took me a while but I can now say that our contact when either of us is out of the house is at much healthier and tolerable levels. Are you able to broach any of these topics with him when he is not dysregulated or in a bad mood? I know that there was a period of time when all I could hope for was NOT upsetting him and even then that was a bit iffy.

[sadeyes]

OK... .I'm going to credit another member with saying this... .and invite her to come along and clean up what I messed up.

KateCat puts it out there like this... .

Part of "cleaning up" a r/s with BPD traits all over it... is to focus on cleaning up your side of the street... .and allow "them" to clean up their side of the street.

If you are "helping" him... when he really doesn't need help... it is possible that it is preventing him from cleaning up his side of the street.

Also... .I would comment that with a series of serious medical issues going on... .any changes you make... .you need to encourage him to go to the doctor.

If he doesn't go... .that is on him... .not you.

Boy... .there is a lot going on here...

What happens when you get home after the throwing and the rages... .?

He does go to the doctor and is on enough medication to open our own pharmacy. He is really medicined out. There is not much more they can fo meds wise except insulin which he has sworn he will never take (and i don't think is a good choice. I am very well studied on the topic of diabetes). It is his choice to continue to be sick. The only thing that will help him is controling what he eats & exercise. His pancreatic function is still ok & he could reduce his meds if he would watch it.

daily intake of 6 full sugar soft drinks + 1/2 loaf of bread & poptarts/doughnuts are just too much. That's all on top of what i prepare

When I return, he will be relative normal, but a lot of picking at me for a while. Kinda like i need to serve him. I really believe to a big extent that he believes it is my job to wait on him.

Me: I'm going to get a drink (not alcohol, fluid), would you like anything?

Him: yes, a glass of x

As i turn to walk away he snaps his fingers & tells me to get a move on it. That kind of thing.

I am trying to clean my side of the street & feel like I am trying to put 1 foot in front of the other with 50lb weights attached to each foot. An yes, i am being codependant and enabling at the same time.

I think that anything I do to improve my situation, issues, etc is a threat to him & therefore causes him to get very unhappy.

[sadeyes]

Yes, there is food that is easy. He will not eat it. I think that it is important to mention that he is a very uncontrolled diabetic (  his choice) & being Hungry makes his behavior particularly volatile.

Ah yes, the blood sugar spikes (both high and low)!

My husband is diabetic as well. Before he got his diabetes under control, things were much much worse than they are now as he would go from being sleepy and falling asleep when his blood sugar was high to being super duper jerk when his blood sugar was low. It isn't your place to have to learn about diabetes and a proper diet but what I am thinking is that if you can come up with ways to improve his diet, then he might tone down his behavior a bit. Feel free to PM me if you want diet tips and tricks to help him manage his diabetes in a more indirect manner. If he is a drinker, encourage him to drink whiskey instead of beer. It has something to do with glycemic index, which is how a particular food impacts the blood sugar.

FF posted while I was writing this so I am going to add that none of this is your responsibility. It is on your husband to manage his own diabetes. But, I have found that making sure that he has foods that he likes and will eat in the house goes a long way. I have helped him find healthy alternatives to the stuff that he used to eat and now he manages it all on his own. It has been a really long and winding road for sure.

As far as the phone calls go, set a boundary. We had a big issue over the constant calling, emailing, and messaging. It took me a while but I can now say that our contact when either of us is out of the house is at much healthier and tolerable levels. Are you able to broach any of these topics with him when he is not dysregulated or in a bad mood? I know that there was a period of time when all I could hope for was NOT upsetting him and even then that was a bit iffy.

Vortex,

We have a bit in common it seems. I am well studied on diabetes. The only time that it has really been under control was for a couple of months whenhe was first diagnosed. I really freaked out about what he ate, and it was perfect within a month or so.  It is really bad now. He takes 4 meds & doc wanted to put him on insulin which he refused (i actually agree with his decision). His pancreas is still working, but will not be forever if he doesn't do something. Even though he is a tall, big guy, you cant eat 5000 calories with 450-550 grams of carbs & expect to function.

At this point,  It is almost never possible to discuss anything. I've tried to get him involved in the meal planning at least to give him some tools for his diabetes.  He refuses, or his meal plan consists of cookies & poptarts. I think he very much also uses food to get a dopamine jolt & make himself feel better. It is a viscous cycle that I have to figure out how to step back from.

[formflier]

It is his choice to continue to be sick.

It's good that you see this... .does he believe this.  No rush... .but in next week or two... .you need to find a way to effectively communicate this to him.  Do you go with him to doctors offices?

daily intake of 6 full sugar soft drinks + 1/2 loaf of bread & poptarts/doughnuts are just too much. That's all on top of what i prepare

Do you purchase this at the store... .or does he?  Does he have income?  Are the foods that you prepare "appropriate" for a person with diabetes?

When I return, he will be relative normal, but a lot of picking at me for a while. Kinda like i need to serve him. I really believe to a big extent that he believes it is my job to wait on him.

Can you define... "picking at"?  Do you discuss the event that happened... .the throwing things?

Me: I'm going to get a drink (not alcohol, fluid), would you like anything?

Him: yes, a glass of x

As i turn to walk away he snaps his fingers & tells me to get a move on it. That kind of thing.

Do you actually bring it to him after he snaps his fingers?

I am trying to clean my side of the street & feel like I am trying to put 1 foot in front of the other with 50lb weights attached to each foot. An yes, i am being codependant and enabling at the same time.

Possibly... .IMO many people slap codependent on themselves when they shouldn't... .they are really a rescuer... .In general... I recommend staying away from labels... focus on behavior.  Focus on choices.  Focus on making healthy choices (physical and emotional)

I think that anything I do to improve my situation, issues, etc is a threat to him & therefore causes him to get very unhappy.

Yes... .I believe you are correct.  I believe that he perceives "healthy" choices as a threat... .because it "upsets" his world.

Do not give in to FOG!  Get straight in your head that you are responsible for making healthy choices for you... .he may or may not follow suit and make healthy choices.  That's not up to you.

[waverider]

Was he like this before you met him, with others, or even his parents or has this needy dependence developed during the course of the RS?

You are at least aware that you can't keep on pandering to him as it is no good for you or him. It is preventing him developing the ability to look after himself. An inability (even if due to unwillingness) to look after oneself is dangerous. Things can seriously go wrong before anyone else notices, especially if someone is prone to crying wolf.

Once this invalid mentality sets in it is hard to eradicate without acting mean hearted, but it must be done for everyones sake. I am actually in this boat myself. The invalid mentality creates an extreme level of dysfunctionality and also isolates them from everyone as peoples sympathy only extends so far. Unfortunately as sympathy wanes the "invalid" ups the helplessness in order regain the sympathy as this is the only way the have learned to function. The result usually pushes people even further away.

It will take some hard calls to turn this around, a bit at a time. At the end of the day you do not have total authority or control over another adult and if they choose actions that endanger their health that is their free choice, and you have to let the guilt go.

Playing the helpless invalid is as addictive as any substance abuse, it may very well take a crisis for them to realize the difference between playing on it and suffering it.

You are no ones slave, do not be afraid to make this known, even if it takes exercising your choice to be absent to prove it.

You cant always save people from themselves, but you can save yourself from being collateral.

[vortex of confusion]

At this point,  It is almost never possible to discuss anything. I've tried to get him involved in the meal planning at least to give him some tools for his diabetes.  He refuses, or his meal plan consists of cookies & poptarts. I think he very much also uses food to get a dopamine jolt & make himself feel better. It is a viscous cycle that I have to figure out how to step back from.

I am thinking that perhaps you can draw a line in the sand a bit on this. If he isn't involved in the meal planning, that means that you can cook whatever the heck you want. If that is the case, then pick diabetic friendly foods. If he complains, tell him straight up, "You can choose to kill yourself slowly by eating the way you do but I refuse to participate in it." And then proceed to stop buying any of the carb loaded stuff. If he wants that stuff, let him go to the store and by it for himself. If he complains, stand your ground and tell him that you are not going to participate in that.

When my husband is away from the house, there is nothing that I can say or do about what he does or doesn't eat. If HE goes to the store and buys stuff, that is his business. My husband doesn't really participate in the meal planning either. So, I use that as an opportunity to make sure that I only cook and serve foods that are diabetic friendly. If I get sweet stuff for the kids, I make sure that I get sweet stuff that he doesn't like. People can call it controlling or whatever they want. In my opinion, I am simply NOT going to prepare foods and bring food into the house that is going to shorten his life.

I am lucky in that my kids are pretty well versed in diabetes and will help me read the backs of labels to see how many carbs are in things. We are not going to participate in any of it.

It took me quite a while to get my husband to even get diagnosed. He was losing weight rapidly, his eye sight had changed dramatically, and he was up and down all night going to the bathroom. I knew what was going on but he would hear none of it. he would tell people that he was on a diet and would rub in the fact that he was losing weight. And he was insufferable! I had him get a blood sugar tester and he told me that it was broken or that he couldn't figure out how to use it. The problem was that his blood sugar was so high that it wasn't registering on the machine. The night I forced him to go to the ER his blood sugar was something like 440. Thankfully, my friend scared the crap out of him and sent him a bunch of information and has helped me help him take responsibility for himself.

[formflier]

An inability (even if due to unwillingness) to look after oneself is dangerous. 

Think about this... .long and hard... .as you consider your choices.

Please... take some time before deciding on your next moves.  It is important that when you make changes... you are resolute... .zig zagging... .is much worse that delaying a decision...

[formflier]

  I am simply NOT going to prepare foods and bring food into the house that is going to shorten his life.

A very appropriate and healthy choice... .IMO

[KateCat]

Hi, sadeyes,

This discussion is so full of insights that I don't think I have any to add . . . unless you want to hear what ":)r. Phil" has frequently had to say on the topic of a family member "being responsible for" another adult family member's eating behaviors.  

However, waverider says it just as well as Dr. Phil. Better, really, because it truly is dangerous to adopt an invalid's stance on personal health management, isn't it?

With the medical knowledge you have, it's not hard to see how you got into this fix, but if you follow the advice here I'm confident you can dig out of it. Maybe you can switch your role to that of "coach"--encouraging him to seek out classes for diabetics at the local community center or library, or medical center. From what I hear, roughly 50% of us in North America need or will need this knowledge for ourselves during our lifetimes.

[KateCat]

Oh, just wanted to add that this change is going to upset your partner, as it would anyone. To help determine whether you will be in physical danger from his reactions, you might find it helpful to google the MOSAIC threat assessment test. It seems to help many women determine whether their male partners' anger will be of the non-violent type, or whether they should plan to protect their personal safety during a period of crisis.

Also . . . Dr. Phil would love Vortex of Confusion's approach to family health. The family learns healthy ways together; the family practices healthy ways together. 

[waverider]

Keep in mind many people eat quick junk food out of laziness, either in preparing anything healthy of just sticking to the same only uninventive fad. As a result if it is not in the house their own lazy attitude may prevent them going to get it.

The default invariably resorts to line of least effort, even if they do carry on like they are being deprived.

A lot of these nutrition issues due to personality defects can't be solved by dietitians, as it is not that they they dont know, it is that impulse is overriding better judgement.

My partner is a chronic fad food eater. Its not always junk, but it is unbalanced and she is blind to everything except that food until the fad switches to something else. Yet in her early years she was a qualified fitness and dietary trainer. She use to train me in the gym when we first met and could write out diets for me when I wanted to get in shape or deal with blood pressure and cholesterol problems. So its not lack of knowledge, but she now will make up ridiculous reasons why a family tub of ice cream is "necessary" rather than the healthy meal I cooked.

Delusions to justify impulse. That is what you are often dealing with

[sadeyes]

Sorry for the delay.  I am limited in my use of this site because I don't want him to know.

I am going to try to answer a bunch of questions all at once.  First, the picking on me.  That's what I refer to as the things like him saying "chop chop" or snapping fingers.  Things that he knows I don't appreciate. He does these under the veil of "he's kidding"

I think he has been like this always to some extent. However, Any relationship he has been in involving co-habitation was relatively short lived (less than 2 yrs). This has gotten much worse over the years (7).

He lost his 1st parent at 2 and 2nd at 4 years old. His mom was very sick up to her passing. His family member that took custody was not good at all. By the time he was 13, he lived in group homes & with a friend until 18. I think he missed out big time on the mommy nurturing.

I can see the rescuer theme in myself.  My mother fills that role in my FOO. My father is a very kind man, and very passive (sometimes passive aggressive). In addition, he is somewhat socially awkward outside of immediate family & close friends. My mom has always taken care of stuff, and I fall into those footsteps very easily.

What worries me about my uBPD is that I am under the impression  that he expects me to do all of the care-taking things as part of his belief. In normal discussion, he seems to believe it is my "job".

[sadeyes]

And... .

As a general rule, I prepare balanced meals. I am not perfect, but I am not a junk eater. As a result I don't make junk. One problem becomes when I am at the store & he calls me and asks me to pick up x while I am there.  Those are always bad choices. 

Yesterday there was a major tantrum because what he wanted wasn't here to eat. It involved throwing food on the lawn because he didn't want it.  Got too hot & i left.

[Grey Kitty]

I am going to try to answer a bunch of questions all at once.  First, the picking on me.  That's what I refer to as the things like him saying "chop chop" or snapping fingers.  Things that he knows I don't appreciate. He does these under the veil of "he's kidding"

It sounds like the "just kidding" stuff really hurts you.    And that is very valid--what he is doing is invalidating, and then telling you he's just kidding is invalidating your hurt on top of that--doubling down on the invalidation!

I'd suggest a boundary of immediately stopping and NOT doing whatever he either asked you to do, or what you volunteered to do when he does that. (Get your beverage and don't get his.)

You could say (once) I feel disrespected, and won't get that for you now. Don't allow any more discussion, and the next dozen times you don't need to say a word about it.


Reminds me of a joke... .[At least I don't think it is a true story]:

A woman called the police to report intruders breaking into her shed. They said that there wasn't anybody available, but they would be over later.

She called back a minute later and said "No need to come now, I shot the intruders." Within another minute or two there were eight cruisers and a helicopter, and they caught the intruders red-handed.

The police said "I thought you said you shot them."

She replied "I thought you said nobody was available to handle the call."

[formflier]

And... .

As a general rule, I prepare balanced meals. I am not perfect, but I am not a junk eater. As a result I don't make junk. One problem becomes when I am at the store & he calls me and asks me to pick up x while I am there.  Those are always bad choices. 

Yesterday there was a major tantrum because what he wanted wasn't here to eat. It involved throwing food on the lawn because he didn't want it.  Got too hot & i left.

Did he pick the food up from the lawn?

[sadeyes]

And... .

As a general rule, I prepare balanced meals. I am not perfect, but I am not a junk eater. As a result I don't make junk. One problem becomes when I am at the store & he calls me and asks me to pick up x while I am there.  Those are always bad choices. 

Yesterday there was a major tantrum because what he wanted wasn't here to eat. It involved throwing food on the lawn because he didn't want it.  Got too hot & i left.

Did he pick the food up from the lawn?

Nope, It's still there. I didn't pick it up last time & I won't this time. I guess fortunately for me I am not particularly bothered by it. I wouldn't put it there, but as far as I am concerned it can stay there till it rots!

[sadeyes]

I am going to try to answer a bunch of questions all at once.  First, the picking on me.  That's what I refer to as the things like him saying "chop chop" or snapping fingers.  Things that he knows I don't appreciate. He does these under the veil of "he's kidding"

It sounds like the "just kidding" stuff really hurts you.    And that is very valid--what he is doing is invalidating, and then telling you he's just kidding is invalidating your hurt on top of that--doubling down on the invalidation!

I'd suggest a boundary of immediately stopping and NOT doing whatever he either asked you to do, or what you volunteered to do when he does that. (Get your beverage and don't get his.)

You could say (once) I feel disrespected, and won't get that for you now. Don't allow any more discussion, and the next dozen times you don't need to say a word about it.


Reminds me of a joke... .[At least I don't think it is a true story]:

A woman called the police to report intruders breaking into her shed. They said that there wasn't anybody available, but they would be over later.

She called back a minute later and said "No need to come now, I shot the intruders." Within another minute or two there were eight cruisers and a helicopter, and they caught the intruders red-handed.

The police said "I thought you said you shot them."

She replied "I thought you said nobody was available to handle the call."

I like the lady with the shed burglary. I have heard that before,  but I like it. I have been thinking about what to do with things.  I have decided some baby steps are in orderm i have put together a menu for the week on the fridge. I will make dinner each night (not my end goal,  but a start ), and call him to the table to eat. I will be eating at the table.  He is welcome to join,  or take his plate where he wants, but I will not wait on him at the computer/tv/bed wherever. Not a huge step, but one I think i can start with.

[formflier]

  I will be eating at the table.  He is welcome to join,  or take his plate where he wants, but I will not wait on him at the computer/tv/bed wherever. Not a huge step, but one I think i can start with.

I love it.  Make sure there is a full place setting there... .

What will you say to him when he comes in to eat?  I'm thinking something positive... .but not to over the top.

"I've been looking forward to having a relaxing dinner with you... .all day... "   I worry that if you mention conversation... he will think there is an agenda or something.

[sadeyes]

I think leaving it unsaid is probably best. Just keeping the convo very light & casual. Avoiding the minefield of topics that could have bombs hiding .

Unless he is already aggravated or feeling anxious ( where dumping on me gives him a release) I can usually manage light convo without any negative results.

The other important is cooking early. He wants me to cook early. Unfortunately, he will expect another meal midnight if i do. Maybe having enough leftovers us a plan.

[formflier]

 

Good plan... .

what is the plan if he starts "dumping on you... ."

[Grey Kitty]

The other important is cooking early. He wants me to cook early. Unfortunately, he will expect another meal midnight if i do. Maybe having enough leftovers us a plan.

What do you want?

Do you like to eat early?

Do you like to eat a little later?

Do you like to eat an extra meal at midnight?

I hear you talking about what he wants, like you aren't happy with the demands... .lets hear your side before working on solutions here!