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Author Topic: Her affirmations - the cycle begins anew  (Read 560 times)
maxsterling
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« on: January 14, 2015, 10:45:51 AM »

She barely slept again last night (4 hours).  Said she was in a great mood and wanted to get things done (Xanax?).  She stayed up an hour or so after me, and woke up 2 hours before me. 

Upon waking, she remarked how I was up late (I was).  I asked he what she had been up doing, she replied (somewhat kurt, IMO), "journaling, like I do every morning." 

She then got dressed and ready to go to her T appt.  I got up, checked email, etc.  She came in and proclaimed that she feels more positive because of her journaling.  And she was acting positive!  She then told me that she knows she will find a way to work from home, she knows she will be good at it,  that she knows she will be able to work from home and be a good mother, that she knows she will make lots of money and we will live comfortably.  I must have cringed a little, and replied that that all sounds good, bot to not forget to focus on today.  She responded by telling me these were her "affirmations".

Eeek.  Sound more like projections and wishes than affirmations.  I thought affirmations were supposed to be in the "present tense". Example:  "I am a good person, worthy of good things."  "My life is beautiful."

And thus the cycle begins again.  Last Friday was the complete violent melt down.  Then Saturday and Sunday were mostly somber, Monday she took and quit a job.  Tuesday began the new round of projections and failure to live and appreciate today.  I've seen the cycle.  The final stage is the melt down.

I'll keep reminding her to stay focused on what is beautiful today.  She wants to run with the next obsession/projection.   

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maxsterling
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2015, 11:09:06 AM »

A quick (and positive) follow up.  She called me on the way home from T appointment to tell me that In her session this morning she had a breakthrough this morning and realized she is really mean to me when she gets anxious, and is abusive.  yes, she actually used the word abusive!

Big breakthrough here?  I was relieved to hear her admit that.  But thinking about it more, I feel a bit hurt because this is something that has been staring the r/s in the face for a year and a half, and just now she is finally realizing it.  But I am glad she appears to finally have come to this point.  Not sure what to do with it now - but I think be gentle with her and with myself, and try and encourage slow progress.  Bringing up details of how badly I have been hurt would probably be a huge setback.  I have to watch myself here.  But I think I do have to acknowledge that she was hurtful, very hurtful, and I need my own time to process and move forward.

She also mentioned that she had another breakthrough regarding the mean things she said about my family.  She says it is rooted deep in her, and has to do with her missing her mom (now deceased, but she probably "missed" her abusive mom her whole life).  Again, a big breakthrough, but she's circled around this for awhile regarding her mom, so I don't know how today is suddenly the big realization here.  I guess I may feel a little hurt that she said so many mean things about my family and that previously she seemed aware of where those mean things were coming from, but just now is coming to the realization that she was actually mean.  Again, I think I need to just work on that myself and not dwell on it.

The positive is, this is BY FAR the biggest apology/admission I have heard from her.  I do credit the tools here to helping me "weather the storm" and allow her the space to come to these realizations herself.  Now it's just a matter of what she does with them and can use these realizations to effectively move forward.  I think the next step is for her to also realize she was very mean and abusive to other people in her past, and then work on how to change the behavior.  From my end, this means encouraging her to put T appointments first and foremost, and then stay out of the way.
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Crumbling
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2015, 06:49:10 PM »

This is great news, Max, thanks for sharing.  I remember when my BPDh first came to the realization that he was abusive when he'd dysregulate.  His mindset changed from seeing me as the cause to seeing me as the victim. 

You would think that it would feel validating, but it really doesn't does it?  I was like you, and sort of felt like saying, "well, duh!  I've only been telling you this for three years!"  I've had to work at accepting that he is where he is, and that at least he now has some clarity of how his moods effect me. 

He says to me sometimes "You know, it takes five good things to erase one bad thing."  Yes, he says this to me.  Then he asks me if I want more pop, or something.  Like he is pointing out to me that he is trying to be nice, and he's working at erasing the bad things he's done before.  I get it and appreciate it.

c ya,

crumsy
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2015, 08:51:01 PM »

My wife admitted that she was abusive to me also. (A few years back)

One thing I did point out to her was that it needed to stop. NOW.

I also pointed out that abuse is done in order to control the abused person. And until the abuse stopped, I wasn't going to be reporting to her on anything I did for my own mental health or growth. I needed to get out of the pattern of being controlled, and she needed to get out of the pattern of being controlling.

Consequently, as long as she was being abusive, I wasn't going to engage her on any discussions of my failings, what I needed to change, etc.

My boundaries of not being present for abuse were probably the biggest step toward the abuse ending. And direct emotional/verbal abuse did end. (I gotta think about whether hints of it are coming back in the latest episode.)

Still. It is a HUGE step on her part. Even if she takes a step back later.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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maxsterling
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« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2015, 10:32:14 PM »

GK, thanks for that reply.  It was helpful.

We just had a conversation about her working/money.  And while she didn't completely dysregulate, I will say she reached level 3 (out of 10), enough for me to be cautious of proceeding too deep on this subject.  I could see the same unhealthy patterns are re-emerging - obsessing over money, that in order to get what she wants in life she needs money, and not being able to logically think her way through the money issues.  One of her ideas was that we would have more money if we had a baby sooner so that she could get back to work sooner.  Makes zero sense, because she is not even working now.  I waded through the convo, and it went okay.  I expressed that we need to get our debt under control, and that she needs to learn to manage stress.  Maybe both of those will sink in.

And the remorse attitude is gone.  It's like she feels she had this big revelation, apologized, and magically she is cured.  Yet, I still have the bruise on the back of my hand when she tried to flip the kitchen table over not even a week ago.  I did causally ask her today if she had found a new T yet.  She said no, and said it may be awhile.  Monday is MC.  Time again to try and be firm in that it is IMPERATIVE she find a new T, find a new P, and learn to manage her emotions enough to come off the meds before we can even think about having a child.  Kinda weird that she can come to this big revalation that she was abusive to me, and yet a week later has the disconnect between the abuse and being a mother.  It's like she feels she has nothing to work on now.

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SlyQQ
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« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2015, 10:38:12 PM »

sounds like the start of a mild hypomanic phase these can be very dangerous as you probably know lots of positive stuff but it is often when they look for greener pastures to
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2015, 11:38:50 PM »

Can you bring up the topic her being abusive in MC? Do you want to?
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SlyQQ
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« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2015, 11:54:55 PM »

Just like to reitterate if you dont know about hypomania you should make yourself familiar it is common in BPD narcism / delusions of granduer / impulse control all big problems
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Crumbling
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2015, 06:31:16 AM »

We had gotten to a place where I had said either get help now, or I am out of here.  And he got help.  Enforcing the boundary is key - he knew I had enough.  Getting to the place where he knew he was being abusive was really hard for him.  It wasn't a black/white thing, with us like I made it sound in that last post. 

Initially he was very withdrawn, really full of self hate for all of it, so it forced me to put my own feelings aside yet again and to help him realize I had made the choice to stay, and therefore he wasn't completely to blame.  Then I went through a really angry phase.  It was like once he was took claim for his part, I was 'allowed' to feel how I really felt about it all.  I had to work hard not to let it out at him, but he did see how much hurt I was carrying because of his actions.  He isn't a saint now, far from it, but now I can enforce the boundary and he sees it and sees why and respects it, when he can.  Other times, I still need to get away from him because his emotions are just too wide for me to handle.  It really is an up/down thing.

I say all this to say that having a pro help through these emotions is a really important part of this process, and perhaps the MC you are seeing can help with that.  Getting this behaviour under control is key to moving forward, in whatever direction you choose.

c
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borderdude
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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2015, 06:48:54 AM »

I have asked her to do something wigh herself, that is not suited mentioning in here. I will not get affirmations for a while, she avoids me ... .oh thanks.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2015, 07:21:54 AM »

GK - yeah, I think that is a topic that needs to be aired.  And I think she needs to hear the effects it has on me. But I need to say it in such a way that she doesn't feel blamed.  I think once it gets out in the air, it will become an easier topic to discuss.  So maybe small bites.  I think first should be to try and get her to understand that me wanting to leave the conversations while she is being abusive is not about control, but about protecting myself.  And that when that happens, she needs to give me space.

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maxsterling
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« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2015, 08:27:35 AM »

Well, this morning I awoke to her telling me "you, you, you".  Level 5+ on the 1 to 10 scale.  GRR.  Then an insult or two about my family.  Then her slamming the door as she left for a 12-step meeting.  All before my eyes were even open halfway.

I did mention to her we could talk about this another time after I had woken up.  Not sure if she heard me.  She's got the 12-step meeting, then I go to a 12-step meeting, then she has some kind of 3-hour seminar.  Hopefully she calms down during that time.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2015, 10:12:35 AM »

She's got the 12-step meeting, then I go to a 12-step meeting, then she has some kind of 3-hour seminar.  Hopefully she calms down during that time.

Never mind her calming down... .how about you?

What can you do to take care of yourself? (Above and beyond going to your own 12-step meeting)

  I'm so sorry that the crazy train ride is going down again.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2015, 10:28:51 AM »

We wound up going for a walk rather than me going to a 12-step meeting.  I was worried that was the wrong decision for me at the time, but it wound up being a good walk that helped both of us communicate and calm down.  She apologized for her morning behavior (wow, apologies seem to be getting easier for her now!)

Now my issue is Saturday, and 3.25 x 10^9 tasks to do, and trying to enforce enough boundary space to get them done.  I can't go 5 minutes without her calling my name and asking something that is important to her yet completely unimportant to me.  Example - trying to concentrate on completing a job application, and her telling me I should read something she read, take a look at this, or ask me to project about something that may or may not happen months in the future.  Grr.  Maybe physical space this afternoon is what is needed.  She's off to a seminar now, but two hours is not nearly enough time. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2015, 10:40:06 AM »

Grr.  Maybe physical space this afternoon is what is needed.  She's off to a seminar now, but two hours is not nearly enough time. 

 Scratch that "maybe" right out. You NEED it.

Decide whether you need time alone at home (without her present) or if time alone out is good enough for you.

Think about communication tools, and find the best way to communicate to her that you will need this for you, in a way that doesn't abandon her or trigger her fears (or does the least possible amount).
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