Help on better conflict resolution

[Timmi]

i just started looking at all the incredibly useful info on here. I am in a new relationship (5months) and my BF has started to exhibit BPD tendencies.  I would love some insights and experienced advice on how I dealt with the latest conversations and what I can do differently to try and prevent a huge escalation...

after an" "episode" before Christmas when he said he wanted to end the relationship, we talked long and hard about how to best take the relationship forward (at the time I wasn't aware how much his actions match those with BPD) this ended with us deciding to move in together in a very risk free manner for both of us (i.e., a short term rental covered by renting out my apartment) he has a house that is being refurbished which was one of the reasons life became stressful before Xmas.

This week, on Monday evening, he gave me £950 cash to put as a deposit on our new place. I left Tues morning to go to work via the bank and he called out "Love you!" as I left the house (well, my apartment where he stays 80% of the time)

At 2pm I had a text message asking ':)id you pay the deposit" I replied "yes, why?" "Just wondering". Then at 4pm: "Is it refundable?" "I'm not sure, all ok?" "I'm wobbling, I can't go through with this. I'm sorry" "Can I call you?" "Yes"

The telephone conversation went something like this:

me: How are you?

him: I can't go through with this. I don't love you. You've been pushing forward with your own agenda on this and I have been going along with this but you ignore all of my wishes.

me: I'm sorry if I've been ignoring you

him: You're doing it again. You are ignoring me now.

me: Silence (desperately trying to think of a suitable response)

him: See, you're not even listening.

me: I am listening, I want to make sure I hear everything you are saying

him: So you can push through with your own agenda? I want you to cancel the deposit and try and get it back. I'm packing my things. I can't be with someone who refuses to listen to me

me: That's fine, lets cancel the house but I would like to see you at the flat later to talk face to face.

him: No, don't you understand it's over. I m only 35% in love with you. Understand that and don't try to call or text or wheedle your agenda back into things. I am no good for you, you deserve someone better. Your sister and your parents really can't love you very much if they are not warning you away from me. If we stayed together you would get pregnant, I would leave and you would be a single mum.

me: ok, can I call you to let you know about the money?

him: No. I said don't call me. ever. Maybe in 2 weeks time I ll want to talk to you.

So, we ended the call, I spoke to my therapist who recommended following his wishes and cancelling the house deposit plus all the various arrangements in place for renting out my home.  i came home to an empty flat approx 2 hours late but he has however left the little kitten he bought (unasked by me)... .So I texted him "Thank you for leaving the kitten. You are welcome to call whenever you feel ready"

This morning, I then phoned him to see if he felt differently. this was obviously not validating him and maybe a mistake?... but after the last episode he said that when he asks for no communication and people take him at his word it then proves to him how worthless he is. And that he always secretly hopes I'll call. This conversation went like this:

him: I told you not to call

me: I just wanted to check that you still felt the same way as I'm going to cancel the house etc.

him: Yes. I feel the same

me: I'm sorry I called: you understand it will be difficult for me to be so abruptly isolated from you

him: Yes, it's going to be very difficult and isolating for me too. But I f***ing told you not to contact me. I said I might get in touch in 2 weeks if you didn't text and push your agenda. But you have so it seems you've f***ed it up. And you will not be told

me: Yes, you're right.

him: You will not let me tell you what to do

me: You're right I won't. We do need to discuss the kitten though

him: Keep her. She's never bonded with me anyway. I would like it if you took care of her but if you feel you can't then give her away or have her put down (NB neither are a option)

me: I love her so I will look after her.

him: Have you finished? Are we done here?

me: I suppose so. I love you. Goodbye.

Any advice gratefully received. I mean, he may not come back in which case it is academic, but I have a feeling he will call and he will come back. This Jekyll and Hyde personality switch is so far from what he is like when he is calm, centred, unstressed and not faced with huge life upheavals... .So if I do decide to proceed with this relationship I would like to know how I cold have handled it better so as not to provoke a walking out and current irreversible "break-up" situation... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Hi Timmi, someone more experienced with this board will likely welcome you more formally.

While we are advised not to tell someone to leave the relationship ( we are all in one) my impression from what you posted is that you are not in one. You have dated a few months, decided to move in together, he had indicated that he isn't ready, then you ( I think it is you) wanted to move it forward. He went along with it, but realized again, that he didn't want to be in the relationship and backed out.

I may be totally off base here, but it seems that you love him and want a relationship, and he has repeatedly said that he doesn't want one.

I don't know if he has BPD or not, but also consider that he means what he says. His Jeckyll/Hyde switch may also have been deciding that after 5 months he doesn't want to continue the relationship. He can do this too for any reason. It may not even be because of something you did or didn't do. It is understandable that this is sad and hurtful to you, but consider that him being honest about not being ready for this is better than if he went along with it and didn't really want to.

Learning about BPD also starts with learning about both people in the relationship, so you might find this information useful to you and to help you decide what to do if he does come back.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome!

I'm very sorry you are going through this. It seems to me like he's showing some BPD traits. Stress can cause this behavior, and they will say one thing and mean another. I know my guy in a stressful will act similar. When we were dating we had to move from the home we are in because my landlord sold the property and after renting 4 years told us we had 30 days. That entire situation was very stressful for him. We didn't have the money to move, and trying to come up with money and place to go in a very short time, as you can guess this sucked for him. He and his friend moved everything from our old home to the new one with his pickup truck. During that time he was in a huge tizzy. Dysregulation every night, he talked about leaving, about how sick of everything he was blah blah but in reality he was just stressed out from the life change, and this was before I knew he was diagnosed BPD.

I highly recommend reading the material on this site and the book, "Stop to Walking on Eggshells" before making any final decisions. A relationship with a pwBPD is really hard work, it's a life long struggle, and sometimes it will still end bad even if you do your best.

[Bloomer]

Hi Timmi,

I am sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I understand feeling like you're getting mixed messages. I think even if he has previously stated he tells people not to contact him as a test, you need to take that request at face value. I don't see a positive end to him asking you not to do something and violating that request for either of you. I think you should think about if you want this relationship if he does contact you, why you want this relationship and what boundaries you need to set in the event that you are out of the rs or end up back in it.

It's also a great idea to do some self care during a time like this. Do some nice things for yourself to remember who you are and what your values are. Keep up with therapy and check in with your support system, too. Even if your SO does not suffer from BPD, there are a lot of great resources for any one on here who has been in a high conflict relationship. I would visit the Workshops board and explore. There is a lot of great info there.

Best wishes. 

Bloomer

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"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops." - Cary Grant

[Timmi]

Thanks you for your input; really appreciated.

I must say that these aren't the only examples of BPD traits in my SO. There has also been idealisation; he has repeatedly told me he loves me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't wait for us to be able to live together etc. etc. And it was also him who suggested us moving in together in the first place... .Something I would usually consider too quick after only 5months. So I do think that I am receiving very mixed messages and that, crucially, he doesn't really mean what he says and is "acting out" the low self esteem he grew up with. And of course, that also might mean he didn't mean it when he said he loved me... .which one should I believe?

I very much respect all his decisions; and if he doesn't want to be in a relationship of course I will respect that. And I definitely will not be calling him again. He knows I am here if he becomes ready to try again.

I think this is just a "brainstorm" and he will come back asking to be forgiven. And I love him and when he is well, he is great and worth committing to... .I d certainly like to learn more about how to deal with such irrational arguments that really do come from nowhere so any advice on words to use in future are most appreciated. And I'm preparing myself to end the relationship (and be sole carer of a kitten!) if I feel it is hopeless... .

[Notwendy]

There is a great comedy act by Tyler Perry as Madaea where he is taking to a recently divorced man about relationships. It is hilarious and so very wise. At one point he says " if someone shows you who they are- believe them". Many people who are in difficult relationships recall that there were some signs, maybe not as noticeable, but signs. In some relationships with pwBPD, things can get worse as the relationship becomes more committed.

Another piece of advice is do not think that a person changes after commitment. What bothers you now, will still be there. If you commit to this bf, understand that you are committing to the whole thing, the good times and the challenging times. If you read through these threads you will see people in long term relationships that are still challenging.

What I think is also helpful to you is to understand more about why you had such strong feelings for this man in the first place. I am working on co dependency. Who we fall in love with, and stay with, says as much about us as it does them.

I hope you find peace and healing. It is hard to get mixed signals, be so loved and them abruptly left. However take some solace in understanding that this may be more about him than you.

[ColdEthyl]

Thanks you for your input; really appreciated.

I must say that these aren't the only examples of BPD traits in my SO. There has also been idealisation; he has repeatedly told me he loves me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't wait for us to be able to live together etc. etc. And it was also him who suggested us moving in together in the first place... .Something I would usually consider too quick after only 5months. So I do think that I am receiving very mixed messages and that, crucially, he doesn't really mean what he says and is "acting out" the low self esteem he grew up with. And of course, that also might mean he didn't mean it when he said he loved me... .which one should I believe?

I very much respect all his decisions; and if he doesn't want to be in a relationship of course I will respect that. And I definitely will not be calling him again. He knows I am here if he becomes ready to try again.

I think this is just a "brainstorm" and he will come back asking to be forgiven. And I love him and when he is well, he is great and worth committing to... .I d certainly like to learn more about how to deal with such irrational arguments that really do come from nowhere so any advice on words to use in future are most appreciated. And I'm preparing myself to end the relationship (and be sole carer of a kitten!) if I feel it is hopeless... .

pwBPD mean what they say at the time they say it. It literally can change 5 minutes later.