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Author Topic: How do you deal with feeling lonely?  (Read 447 times)
joshbjoshb
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« on: January 14, 2015, 08:33:12 PM »

Hi guys!

Long time no speak. It's because I am quite busy at work, and at home... .well, things are manageable. I learned to keep my emotions to myself - or at last not to share with her, not to take to heart when she dysregulate, so things are in general much better than they used to be.

But how do you deal with feeling lonely?

You come first to marriage with hopes that your wife will give you respect, admire you. BPD means you get none of it, just the opposite.

You want love. Well, you can give love, but you get something very fade in return. More like whenever she is in a good mood than she can love you too. And getting love is pretty rare.

But even to share with her how was my day seems to be a waste of time. I will come home and try to tell a little piece of my day, she will be quite than say something completely not related - but about herself and her day. I can try later, in the evening, in the morning, she seems to not pay attention to what I say.

Mind you, I don't even try to share some interesting ideas or news I was exposed to during the day. She is simply not interested in any of it.

So it's quite lonely at the helm.
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2015, 09:10:15 PM »

 

Can you give us some word for word on how you tell her about your day?

She may be "hearing" a statement... .and think no response is needed.

Have you asked for a response?

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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2015, 05:00:18 AM »

The loneliest of places can be within a relationship, as it is foisted on you and you have less options to change it, or so it feels.

Isolation within a BPD relationship is very common and can lead to depression. Building yourself a life with outside interests is important, and probably will cause much conflict to achieve.

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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2015, 07:44:09 AM »

and probably will cause much conflict to achieve.

But will be well worth it.

I talk a lot about "energy management" in r/s like this.  "Spending" energy to get outside interests going is a great thing to do.  Because it usually results in people feeling like they have more energy... .they feel happier... .or that their happiness is less dependent on the status of the r/s.
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joshbjoshb
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2015, 07:43:15 AM »

So what are you guys saying? That some people are married to a BPD but are still feeling loved and cared for?

Maybe only those who are in some sort of treatment with some sort of self awareness. Those like my wife who are still blaming the world for their problems and are not willing to own any, are simply so busy blaming everyone - because they don't want to get hurt, I get that! - so they have no time for anyone else.

I sometime start to tell her something, she is asking a question to show interest, but then I can say complete non-sense and she simply won't realize. Or realize it after a minute. It's just odd. Maybe she is really ADD as well.

Thank you for reminding me to pursuit outside interests. I do that as well, and should do more.
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2015, 07:53:11 AM »

So what are you guys saying? That some people are married to a BPD but are still feeling loved and cared for?

Yes... that is exactly what I am saying.  And it is true in my case.  Am I back to the "good ol' relationship I remember... .not yet... .but I'm well on the way.  I used to say I was "despairing" about my r/s... .now I describe it as "frustrating".  There is no denying that things are much better and that momentum is going in the right direction

Maybe only those who are in some sort of treatment with some sort of self awareness. 

Perhaps... .but my wife has had no "formal" treatment for BPD.  She has done individual T and Family T.  We focused on behaviors... .and we are currently in MC.

I believe there are other stories on here... where the spouse never "did" anything to get better... but the "non" started using  tools... and there was dramatic improvement. 

What is the status of your SO getting help or treatment?
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joshbjoshb
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2015, 07:57:40 AM »

I meant any kind of treatment. Not only one for BPD. Just the ability to discuss with others your own situation.

She currently refuses to go to any marriage counseling. She agrees - in rare moments - that she should at least go to an individual T, but "all of them are bad".

I opened once a thread saying how she said she doesn't want to go to T because they will "make her accept me the way I am" and she doesn't want to accept me but to change me.

Just to be clear, I am in a much better place than I was when I came here first. I really learned how not to be affected by her rages, etc. Validation is not easy for me, as I am much more into setting boundaries... .and sometimes I am sick of having to be the caretaker and tolerate a lot of the crazy stuff.
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2015, 08:00:31 AM »

I opened once a thread saying how she said she doesn't want to go to T because they will "make her accept me the way I am" and she doesn't want to accept me but to change me.

do you have things you need to change?  Most of us do... .why not set up an appointment and ask her to go to help you change... .

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joshbjoshb
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2015, 08:16:22 AM »

Sure! I have plenty. And I am doing a pretty good progress. But she sees only the negative and nothing else
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Notwendy
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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2015, 09:00:33 AM »

Looking outside ourselves for a way to be happy is taking the focus off our own issues and may not be good for our own emotional growth. Some people decide not to adhere to the boundaries of marriage, but I do. Beyond the moral reasons is that an extramarital relationship is something that would break my own code of ethics. It would be damaging to me and lower my self esteem.

I think that if I am dysfunctional enough to get into this kind of relationship, then I am at risk for making another dysfunctional choice with another person. I think the better we are at being happy as an individual, the healthier our relationships will be with everyone in our lives and I don't want to interfere with learning how to do this. 

My goal is not to fix someone else, or even just my marriage, but to become an emotionally healthier person. This would not only help me, but would make me more functional in every relationship I have- spouse, kids, parents, friends, co-workers.

However, to me, being married does not exclude friendships and interests, and my H has them too. We each have hobbies that don't interest the other. If I can't do something as a couple, I do it on my own- excercise class, women's groups, volunteer groups, friends at work, and a 12 step group where I can get social needs met.

One of the topics in my 12 step group is how people tend to isolate themselves when dealing with dysfunctional family members. It is hard to carve out time for yourself and to socialize with others, and so you can take steps to do this.
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joshbjoshb
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« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2015, 09:05:52 AM »

Oh! Clearly no one was suggesting to look for an outside r/s! It was about doing "things" outside that will make us happy.

Which I fully understand and try to do.

But my question is - still it gets quite lonely to come home and feel that you have no partner.

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joshbjoshb
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2015, 09:07:29 AM »

I opened once a thread saying how she said she doesn't want to go to T because they will "make her accept me the way I am" and she doesn't want to accept me but to change me.

do you have things you need to change?  Most of us do... .why not set up an appointment and ask her to go to help you change... .

Just had a conversation with her. She is very upset about something and blames me, of course, for all of the problems and especially her problems.

I asked her:

":)o you agree that both of us should work together and try to be better people and have a better marriage?"

To which she responded:

"No. I wanted you to fix yourself first'.
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waverider
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2015, 09:27:46 AM »

Have you asked her what exactly she thinks is wrong with you?

Her idea of what you need to work on is obviously different to what you are working on.

I totally get this not being on the same team thing is about. I went through that with my exwife and it had nothing to do with BPD.

With my BPD partner we re on the same team morally, as she has full awareness now of the disorder. However it still is frustrating to feel as though she is dragging the anchor. For example she will sit there and say she feels really bad for not pulling her weight with housework. Then still does nothing to make an effort but instead pulls out today's invalid excuse...

So yes I feel like I have a supporter rather than a team member

She might blame the world for her woes, but she rarely blames me anymore, and she gets a short answer if she tries.

As far as even thinking about an outside RS, even though it could be said a non has more reason to be tempted then they normally would, life is complicated enough without making it even messier.
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« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2015, 09:49:38 AM »

Hi Josh,

I understand what you are explaining.    You are feeling a disconnect.    Couples counseling may be helpful as that time is allotted to TALKING TOGETHER and can "reteach" her how to do this.   I am wondering if your wife is just bored.    Maybe she needs some more interests and things to feel passionate about.  It can't all come from a partner and vice versa.

Building support systems outside of a relationship are necessary.   I think having friends and interests separate.   

Have you tried talking to her a different time of day?  Morning/day off?  Do you get same reaction?  I know at night I am tired.   

Good luck & I understand... .really.  You can work thru this. 
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joshbjoshb
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« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2015, 11:03:54 AM »

Thank you functional. Do you have a spouse with BPD? Because, at least by me, one of the major signs is the lack of friends (major trusting issues), and outside interests. And obviously I can't be the one creating that for her.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2015, 11:29:07 AM »

I understand what you are explaining.    You are feeling a disconnect.    Couples counseling may be helpful as that time is allotted to TALKING TOGETHER and can "reteach" her how to do this.   I am wondering if your wife is just bored.    Maybe she needs some more interests and things to feel passionate about.  It can't all come from a partner and vice versa.

Building support systems outside of a relationship are necessary.   I think having friends and interests separate.   

Have you tried talking to her a different time of day?  Morning/day off?  Do you get same reaction?  I know at night I am tired.   

Good luck & I understand... .really.  You can work thru this. 

I know the feelings that joshjoshb is talking about. In my case, my husband and I try to slice out time where we go out on the porch and talk together. Even when we spend time together, there is a disconnect. I thought I was going crazy in all honesty. But, I was validated a bit because my husband went to see a T and at his first appointment she told him that he was going to have to be more plugged in if he wanted her to help him. It was pretty basic stuff like him not making eye contact consistently and something to the effect of the lights being on but nobody was home. I had tried to explain that to my husband for quite some time. He would tell me, "Oh, but I am sitting on the couch with you and I am doing this and that." Yes, he was there physically but he was not there emotionally/mentally.

And even when we do sit down and talk, the conversation tends to come back around to him and that is where it tends to stay. All of that contributes to my feelings of loneliness. I want somebody that I can have a real conversation with, or not even a conversation, but somebody that is fully present when with me. Sure, I can have friends outside the relationship. I can play mindless computer games and do all sorts of stuff to pass the time and combat the loneliness. The problem for me is those times when would would typically turn to an intimate partner and mine isn't there. A friend or outside interest isn't going to snuggle or spoon with me. An outside interest isn't going to give me the things that I want from an intimate, romantic relationship. Those are the specific things that are missing that lead me to feeling lonely.
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« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2015, 11:45:26 AM »

I agree with the disconnect. It is always there no matter what we are doing. When I see people post on FB that they are married to their best friend, I can't even imagine what that must feel like. I think loneliness is part of the situation. I don't think we can expect something that our partners can give us.

I think we have choices, and that's why I brought up the idea of someone else because whether or not one wants to do that, I think some people do make that choice.

Some people choose to end the relationship and that is also a valid choice. For many of us with families, children and perhaps a relationship that works some of the time, financial and other ties, the idea of leaving is not the best choice as it could possibly create problems that are bigger than the problem of the relationship.

This was the hardest part for me to get as a kid. I just thought dad should leave and that would solve everything but that is not the larger picture.

Pursuing outside interests and getting social needs elswhere is one way to cope. I try to focus on the good, not the bad, and I think I have a lot of good- too good to not stay, but in doing so, I have to accept the limits of the relationship, and accept that some things may just not be possible, although we can work at making them a little better.
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« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2015, 01:19:11 PM »

"No. I wanted you to fix yourself first'.

joshbjoshb,

As a general statement... .writing things down for pwBPD can be troublesome... .especially if you are "telling" them things... or in any way "after them"

However... .it is sometimes worth a try to get them to express themselves to you.  Especially if your pwBPD has trouble "slowing down"

Might be good to ask her... .in writing... .to help you understand what it is that she wants fixed about your first... .before you do joint counseling.

Or... .just ask about you... and not the joint counseling.

Note:  If she says different things later... .don't accuse her of changing her mind... don't use the written statement to invalidate her later. 

I did that in my r/s.  And yes... .I "won" several arguments... .however... .writing things down is rarely done now.  That bums me out... .

Thoughts?
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