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Author Topic: What is my job as an SO?  (Read 825 times)
hurthusband
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« on: January 15, 2015, 09:15:22 AM »

What are my job and responsibilities?

Wife suddenly hit me with last night that she does not think I ever had passion for her.  When I say passion, she explained it as defending her.  I fix problems and am there, but not hold people who wronged her accountable.  I try and avoid confrontation I will admit.  I usually try and deal with a problem and the aftermath.  For instance, if my mother says something that insults my wife, I may just go to work and not really interact with my mother and avoid socializing with her outside of work.  I DO NOT want to be an in between and fight or speak for others.  It seems a recipe for disaster.  When a doctor did something with my wife inappropriate in care management, I spoke that I disagreed, but instead of yelling at him I took to a grievance panel.  My wife says that when somebody starts to speak ill of me, she shuts them down right there.  I do not allow people to bad mouth my wife, but I am confused... .

She went into that then started on how her therapist says I am unhealthy and that my communication is poor, and that I am asking her to fix things that she cannot which is unfair.  Example... I am under alot of stress right now... it generally does not go well if I talk all my problems out extensively with my wife because she feels guilty and gets angry.  I generally try and keep them to myself.  I might say something like "We owe such and such taxes in a week and I do not have the money nor am I sure where to get it.  Could you just tell me I will get it handled?"  I am OCD so I obsess stuff and it feels better if I just hear somebody being supportive that I can do it.  I know its not making anything better, but her doc says that is unhealthy for me to do and unfair to her.  She feels its me asking her to fix it apparantly.  Honestly, I am not.  In that instance, she has no job so how could she? 

I do notice that in arguments its always her bringing up others who are on her side against me so I am not sure if thats the reality of the situation or not.  I know I do not bring others in for support or say what others say.  Primarily because I do not want her to have conflicts with them then and have to deal with that.

She said she is trying to talk about this all calmly, and that the only time she can talk to me is at midnight when its bedtime and that I just want to sleep.  I am sorry, but I am the only person with a job right now, and I am tired at that time of night.  I will try and listen and sit and talk.  I was blindsided that this was a problem though.  I was especially upset because today I have to have a meeting with a client that could result in my LOSING 25% of my income.  I got up and was upset when she went into this all. it felt like she was not trying to talk to me but dictate with me how things where.  I said I cannot do this and if she would be happier without me I understand.  She lost her parents recently and inherited a good amount of money.  we were going to use the money to pay down our debt which in the past two years has ballooned up $60k due to her remodels, DWIs, trips, spending sprees, and just a ton of medical (medical could have been handled without others though for most part)... .I told her to take all that money if she wanted to start a new life.

I just dont want this guilt of being blamed anymore.  She says she has guilt over everything and she is sure I resent her.  I do know that ALOT of this is because of her mistakes from drugs, alcohol, tantrums, spending sprees, lies, etc, but I also know that this is effects of her BPD and illness and that she is a good person so I DO NOT bring this up.  She might say "Why do we not have new cars like my ex does when we make more"  I would explain that "It would be nice to have new cars, but we cannot afford them at this time."  she will respond "but we make more and they can".  I will then explain "i know we make more, but our medical expenses are higher.  We spend $2200 a month in therapy and meds that they do not.  I think that what we will get from the therapy is worth more than a car in long run"

I am just exhausted.  I know she is.  She lost her job, best friend, and both parents in past 2 months.  Now she only had her job for 2 months and the boss had severe mental issues too, but still.  I am at a point after paying for funeral expenses that I cannot pay a water bill with cards maxxed out and possibly losing large client.  I think my mother who owns business that funds trust and that is my second job, is also BPD and is losing her mind at this time.  Past year things have changed dramatically so I am scared there too.  At same time, I am not sure if some of that is my wife poisoning my mind over time.  My wife has had it in for my mother a long time.  She did get me to dump my friends, and lose touch with other family so I am not sure.  I know my mother is sick in the head right now, but I am just confused.

I do not know what is my mental illness and what is hers.  I cannot make my wife better, but I know that I can make things worse.  Am I not meeting what I should as an SO?
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2015, 10:17:22 AM »

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Wanted to give you a great big hug! 

I have been where you are. Not to that extent but I do know that I have asked myself, "What is my job here? How can I make this other person happy? What am I doing or not doing that is right/wrong?"

Have you stopped and asked yourself: "What do I need? What do I want?" In all honesty, I didn't have an answer other than, "I just want all of this crap to STOP. I want peace."

You mentioned therapy. Who is in therapy? You? Her? Both of you together? What kind of input are you/she getting from therapy?

I did want to comment on the stuff about this:

Excerpt
Wife suddenly hit me with last night that she does not think I ever had passion for her.  When I say passion, she explained it as defending her.  I fix problems and am there, but not hold people who wronged her accountable.  I try and avoid confrontation I will admit.  I usually try and deal with a problem and the aftermath.  For instance, if my mother says something that insults my wife, I may just go to work and not really interact with my mother and avoid socializing with her outside of work.  I DO NOT want to be an in between and fight or speak for others.  It seems a recipe for disaster.  When a doctor did something with my wife inappropriate in care management, I spoke that I disagreed, but instead of yelling at him I took to a grievance panel.  My wife says that when somebody starts to speak ill of me, she shuts them down right there.  I do not allow people to bad mouth my wife, but I am confused... .

I can sort of see both sides of this. First off, it is not my job to hold other people accountable for their actions towards my spouse. That is HIS job. If he has a problem with somebody, then he needs to figure that out for himself. I won't lie, I have been his "white knight" a time or two. He mother treated me and the kids rather poorly and he just sat back and watched. He did not speak up for me and the kids. He let his mother run ramshod over us. I was very mad and very upset about this because his mother and I have always had a bit of a questionable relationship. Not only was she being crappy to us, but she was being crappy to him as well. At one point, I had enough and I told her off. I could not sit back and let her treat me, her son, or our kids that way. Was I wrong? I don't know. One of the things that happened as a result of me telling her off is that it set some really firm boundaries in place. Yes, she is who she is but that does not mean that she gets to treat other people like crap. I pretty much put a stop to her constantly harassing my husband about his weight, continually bringing up the issue of us having all girls (she would have loved to have a grandson to carry on the family name), and nitpicking us in general. Now, our relationship is civil but there isn't all of the crap involved. I can treat her with kindness and consideration without tolerating all of the other BS.

Maybe you need to think about setting some boundaries with your wife and your mother regarding what you will and will not accept.

Oh, and you need to take whatever she says to you about what her therapist says with a grain of salt. Sure, her therapist might be saying those things but those things are being said based on what SHE reports. Think about it. She shares her twisted perception with the T. He gives his opinion. She further twists it and then reports it back to you. Don't take it personally. I know, easier said than done. It does help though to think about how many times the "story" has been twisted, interpreted, and then retold.

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hurthusband
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2015, 08:27:12 PM »

I am unable to set boundaries because I am unsure what is right and wrong anymore.  My wife is getting better but I'm so brainwashed from past is don't know eat she says is real or not.  I know she at least was very sick and abusive.  I have given up everyone in my life for her socially and only mother at work.  I realize my mother is also mentally ill now due to I suspect similar issues as my wife but showing for first time in her kids to me due to stresses she has.

Result is in do not know if my wife saying she wants my mother and my job cut out of her life if that means I'm doing something wrong.  I avoid being around my mother.  My wife seeks her out some.

My if wants me to have answers to my future.  I know what I'm working towards but in can't say it will all go to plan.  She is no upset atme cause she feels shame that I'm stressing over the irs because our expenses are so high.  She says I'm guiltily her but and telling her to solve it.  I know I'm not.  I just ask her sometimes to tell me I can figure it out.  I never mention why but hee dwi, emergency flight from her European vacation, investment of a few grand in a new job and parents funeral is contributing factors.  I don't know what is icsn her head and messed up and what is in mine.  She says she wants divorce.  I'm sitting in my car now.  Largest client waiting to hear back from me about a meeting that will determine future of our business and them and I can't even think of it. 
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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2015, 08:56:12 PM »

I am unable to set boundaries because I am unsure what is right and wrong anymore. 

Start with that! Start with trying to figure out YOUR truth. I know that horrible of feeling of not knowing which way is up and being unable to decide whether or not I should set a boundary. I was so unbelievably confused.

When is the last time you read through the lessons? Maybe reading or re-reading some of them will give you some inspiration. The first thing to do is figure out who you are and what you want. Quit thinking in terms of right and wrong and think more in terms of what YOUR values are. What do you value? What is important to you? I still struggle with trying to figure out what I value most and what is most important to me.

And, I have found that it helps to try to break things down into smaller pieces. Pick ONE issue that is workable and focus on how you can work on that. I was so confused that I was lumping everything together as one big overwhelming mess that felt like it was going to crush me. I am still unraveling the mess of confusion but I don't fill quite as helpless and overwhelmed.

Sending you a great big virtual hug! 
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hurthusband
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2015, 08:33:30 AM »

I am unable to set boundaries because I am unsure what is right and wrong anymore. 

Start with that! Start with trying to figure out YOUR truth. I know that horrible of feeling of not knowing which way is up and being unable to decide whether or not I should set a boundary. I was so unbelievably confused.

When is the last time you read through the lessons? Maybe reading or re-reading some of them will give you some inspiration. The first thing to do is figure out who you are and what you want. Quit thinking in terms of right and wrong and think more in terms of what YOUR values are. What do you value? What is important to you? I still struggle with trying to figure out what I value most and what is most important to me.

And, I have found that it helps to try to break things down into smaller pieces. Pick ONE issue that is workable and focus on how you can work on that. I was so confused that I was lumping everything together as one big overwhelming mess that felt like it was going to crush me. I am still unraveling the mess of confusion but I don't fill quite as helpless and overwhelmed.

Sending you a great big virtual hug! 

hard part is trying to work through all of that while at the same time being the sole income, being told my job is wrong, crushing debt, and job security all at same time while also losing 2 in laws

It is just too much.  I mean I know my wife has too much on her plate, but I do not think she gives consideration to my predicament.

Maybe she is just out of love with me
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2015, 10:34:01 AM »

I am unable to set boundaries because I am unsure what is right and wrong anymore. 

Start with that! Start with trying to figure out YOUR truth.

I almost said the same thing yesterday.

It is just too much.  I mean I know my wife has too much on her plate, but I do not think she gives consideration to my predicament.

Your wife has a mental disorder. Your wife does NOT have the emotional capacity to see beyond HER feelings and look at your predicament today. Expecting her to do that any time soon is like expecting a duck to bark.

YOU need to give consideration to YOUR predicament. If you don't do it, who will?

Not your wife. Probably not your mother. You already "dumped your friends, and lost touch with other family". That doesn't leave anybody but you to care about yourself or for yourself.

 You do have a community here. We are on our own journey through the same jungle you are lost in.

Can you think of one small thing you can do today to improve your personal situation?
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2015, 10:56:13 AM »

Can you think of one small thing you can do today to improve your personal situation?

If it is too overwhelming to think about that, try to think about ONE thing about yourself that you really like. What do you do well? Are you really good with your clients? What is something that you excel at that is independent of your wife, your mother, etc.? There for a while, I felt so beat down that I didn't think I could change anything. I didn't think I could do anything. I felt lower than lower. I had to figure out how to stop feeling so horrible about myself and finding something about myself that I was proud of or felt good about helped. It helped me to journal and make lists. I think I sat down one time and wrote out a list of all of the things about myself that I hated and a list of things about myself that I loved.

The journaling helped me to take stock of the realities of the situation. The more I wrote, the more I started seeing patterns and realizing the truth of the situation. It was hard for me to find even one small thing. I am not sure how or when things changed but I do know that it has been a process with lots and lots of setbacks.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2015, 07:53:24 PM »

Today my wife called me at noon.  I left the office to talk to her in my car.  For 30 minutes, she talked about how I was never there for her, i ignored her, and I could not remember conversations and she had no connection with me anymore at any time

At first i told her it would be horrible to felt not cared for or alone.  I stated I did not want her to feel that way.  I admitted that there are things I should do better about that.  She kept on though... and on

Finally i could not take it anymore and i tried to ask for what i did do wrong.  She listed a point where i did not remember a conversation back on sunday. She listed a point after being intimate that i took a shower and stated that i had to change something fast invoice for a client which took 10 min. I do not believe that was the same day, but i did to that.  I know i did do that because I had just written checks to the IRS that would bounce and i wanted to send an invoice to get paid.  She knew all this was happening and i was going to find out from a client that i make over 25% of my income from if they were going to continue using me or lose me.  I tried.  I finally had to go

She then called and texted about 10 times.  I picked and and she started again on how horrible and how everything is my fault.  I begged to her to stop.  She told me to stop hanging up on her when i did.  I sat there with a loaded shotgun to my chest.  I had finger on the trigger and begged her to stop explaining i cannot handle this and that im thinking bad thoughts.  She kept on.

Without realizing it i pulled the trigger and heard the hammer click... .it misfired... .  I was stunned... I should be dead.  I felt shame.  Shame i was not stronger, but pain.  I told her what had happened and that i couldnt talk and she kept berating me.

My sister happened to be there and walked in to me shaking.  My wife repeatedly calling me.  Then she called on business line that my sister answered and i asked my sister to tell her I was not available.  She did and my wife said she did not believe her curtly and she would hold.  My sister knew my wife was source of my frustration here and told her rudely that this was a business line and that she needed to stop.  My wife had been told before to not call on business line constantly... .

It was wrong of my sister who then threatened her before handing up.  I told my sister she was wrong... my mother came in at that moment and told my sister to be respectful too. 

She told me to go home and figure whats going on with my wife.  My wife continued to call and continued to say we are over and that i am ___ty and i should have made my sister get fired over that.  That i can never go back to work there because it was unhealthy.  i was meeting with my mother soon about me moving in to take over...

my mother noticed the shotgun was safety off and hammer down on one side.  she had everyone call me as my wife berated me.

Rest of the day my wife has blown up my phone to berate me.  Invalidate everything i feel.  I do not know... I ask her what to do.  How to pay bills... the other job offered me full time job at twice the work but at twice the pay that would still be only 2/3 of what i make now... .  im sitting her thinking that things can never go back to normal.  This has happened before.  My wife was doing better... Did i do it?  How could i be better?  My mother is sick some, but she at least was compassionate to me about harming myself.  She never spoke ill of my wife. 

My wife kept talking about how could i do this to her.  She has nobody and is alone now.  Telling me to come get my stuff and get out but im scared to go there and i have nowhere to go.  I cannot go to my mothers because i do not know if she really is the problem my wife says. do i work tommorow?  what future job wise do i have anymore?

who cares about me?  my wife is miserable.  what about her?  what about my kids in all of this?  do i have to live and be miserable just to keep kids and rest of family happy?

i suppose my wife can leave me with all the debt she put on me and keep all the insurance money she got off her parents death and move on easier. 

My phone keeps ringing... over and over...

its stalking isnt it?

this is worse than a nightmare of being murdered...   i went to her parents grave today... felt like i failed them and maybe things not as bad if they were here...   she found out and told me to never go back

i slept in my car last night... .i suppose again tonight.  i have been without my ocd meds and food for a couple of days... .

my doc was gone today so couldnt take my call...
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2015, 10:09:29 PM »

hurthusband, I'm really really really worried about you right now.

You need to protect yourself from your wife's abuse.

Blocking her number on your phone for a while or turning it off will give you a little peace.

I hope you find a safe place to sleep tonight.

Please tell us how you are doing tomorrow.
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« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2015, 10:27:57 PM »

In addition to what Grey Kitty said, please, please, please, get the number to a crisis hotline and have that available in case you have those feelings again.

Sending you a great big hug! 

Here is a link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

There is a number there that you can call and they can connect you to somebody in your area.
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« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2015, 10:33:13 PM »

Hi hurthusband,

I'm so sorry you are having difficult night. I sent you a PM with instructions. Please call the numbers or drive to your local hospital.
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2015, 10:51:10 PM »

hurthusband,

You mother, your sister, your wife, your kids. The "ghosts" of her deceased parents... .this is so much focus on all of them. You must feel so alone! This is so much to deal with, your wife's abuse and attacks upon your worth as a human being underlying it all.

Your family seems to mean well, but you still sound so isolated, and they may be too close to the trauma.

Can you reach out and make an anonymous call to the number that vortex provided? Hearing the voice of someone who doesn't know the drama initially can be helpful. If anything, it's someone who can listen to your story without judging, a comforting voice.

Turkish
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hurthusband
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« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2015, 09:20:28 AM »

still here... .

i dont think i will try that again.  it caused more trouble.  Feel guilty about the kids.  I suppose I am resolved to accept the possible destruction of my life as I know it.  Hard part is while I am at fault to a degree because of my choices on boundaries.  it is still alot due to others mental illness which is upsetting

I am not sure how things can heal here.  When it was just here and me, I could keep it under wraps and the shame and embarrassment not spill out.  Now that it has, I am not sure what to do.  I am not sure who to have relationships with now... anyone in my family really besides kids.  Nobody besides my sister seems against my wife now, but she has shame and I do too.  So even if we heal, what about that.  It is not the first time of this.

This is so much harder because now I have the most pivitol position in my career in the past 12 years.  I am not seeing a position where I DO NOT lose 25% of my income.  and I have to make some decisions, by Monday, but how to make those with this on my mind?

my wife has to feel so alone and scared now too.  If she loses me she has nobody, and she even admits that.  If she stays with me, she still does not feel good with me and now has the shame and embarassment with my family and the pain they cause her... .

I am physically sick from it all.  This was the reason I pulled the trigger.  I am helpless to help any of them, but I can make it worse.

I mean is it understandable that my business might be upset that I spent 30 minutes on a phone conversation at work and she called me around 16 times on cell then refused to get off business line?
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« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2015, 10:36:13 AM »

Whew! I'm glad you are still here.  Please don't try that again!

You aren't truly alone out there. *I* for one really care.

 GK

P.S. I'll try to think of something practical to suggest for you later.
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« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2015, 10:48:56 AM »

I am not sure how things can heal here.

hurthusband, I'm happy to hear you're still with us.

Can you think of one small thing you can do today to improve your personal situation?

Healing starts one day at a time - baby steps. How does taking it one day at a time sound like? What is something small you can do?
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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2015, 10:52:29 AM »

I am not sure how things can heal here.  When it was just here and me, I could keep it under wraps and the shame and embarrassment not spill out.  Now that it has, I am not sure what to do.  I am not sure who to have relationships with now... anyone in my family really besides kids.  Nobody besides my sister seems against my wife now, but she has shame and I do too.  So even if we heal, what about that.  It is not the first time of this.

So glad to see you here this morning!

I understand your confusion and your conundrum here. I had spent a whole lot of time keeping a whole lot of stuff to myself. I didn't really tell anybody about my discontent. I found ways to deny it or rationalize the things that were going on. I know what it is like to not know who to trust. My family of origin is full of dysfunction. Anyway, I didn't know who to trust so I simply tried to look at what the options were. I can't consistently trust my parents but I was in a position where, at the time, trusting my husband was an even worse option. So, I took a chance and reached out to my dad. I didn't have the money to go anywhere or do anything and I was in a horrible place. My dad surprised the heck out of me. He didn't take sides or say anything bad about my husband. What he did do was give me the money to get away for a week. I had every excuse in the book. What about the kids? How am I going to do this or that? He helped me find answers to all of my reasons for not wanting to take a week away just for me. Before I left, I made sure that all of the bills were paid and that the kids had everything they needed and then I left for a week and did a lot of soul searching. My husband tried to text and call but I didn't answer. It was kind of heavy at first but it tapered off as the week went on. He didn't have me there to fall back on and he didn't have me there to listen to his BS. It was a real eye opener for both of us.

I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe you can look at who can potentially help you get some time away from your spouse. Yes, she will gripe and moan and things are liable to get ugly but you need to get some space to breathe and try to make sense out of things.

And here is a hug of support and to let you know that there are people out there that do care and do want to help you.  
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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2015, 11:05:49 AM »

yea... my mother was quite kind.  never said anything negative about my wife and told my sister she cannot talk to her that way.  my mother did text my wife that she would appreciate if she did not call the office anymore which i thought was fair.

my wife is upset i am back at work today and not with her.  I do not know what to do

should i be with her?

She says she cannot be with me knowing i almost killed myself while she and the boys are going what they are through and that she cannot think of me the same way.

I find it odd that she is being so harsh when i saved her twice from attempted suicides and one other crazy mess that appeared suicidal.  I did not bring that up though.

I just do know *feel* her perception is entirely accurate or fair.  At same time, I do not know that I am accurate neither.  I am also had a massive uptick in resentment towards my mother recently.  I am not sure that it is completely accurate or if it is my wife constantly talking about how horrible she is that is poisoning my brain.  I have no doubt my mother has some issues, but she was compassionate to me... my wife was not...   She was not angry at my wife and my wife at her.  I think they both have their reasons...

My wife still wants a divorce.  i am still so confused.  I do not have answers... I do not trust anyone nor myself.

I just do not want to hurt anyone.

so should I quit job?  Should I take a job at 2/3 the pay and no forseeable future?  I do not know
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hurthusband
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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2015, 11:41:38 AM »

she texting me about me getting out of her life.  she says she cannot believe im back at work after yesterday and that shows how much i care...

I told her that she is asking me to give up all of my family, give up a career i built over 12 years, give up everything.  She knows how horrible it is to lose your family and job in past 6 weeks so could she ask me to do the same voluntarily?

Not to mention I have then the added stress of supporting a family on NO  income at that point.  Was that wrong of me?

She said I just killed any chance at us.  told me i am terrible and cruel

I tried asking her to have some compassion and see how the calls and the telling me im ___ over and over and over could drive somebody to a bad spot... to look at things from my perspective, but she is refusing

She is refusing... she is going to ruin her kids life, and my life for what she thinks is revenge i guess for ME making her sad.  Everyone keeps telling me how I am a good person but her... They do not know me like she does though

Everything had gone so well and improving with therapy past 6 weeks until past two days.  its in worst spot ever.  Worse than when she tried to ahve a suicide pact and beat me physically

it is just how I am horrible and wrong and no ability to show compassion or look at things she might have done wrong...

how can anything be fair or resolved if that is not possible?
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« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2015, 12:06:55 PM »

Hurthusband, you sound like you don't know who or what to believe.

I've got one tip for you. Your wife IS dysregulated right now. Never ever ever take what she says in that state as a truth that works for you.

I told her that she is asking me to give up all of my family, give up a career i built over 12 years, give up everything.  She knows how horrible it is to lose your family and job in past 6 weeks so could she ask me to do the same voluntarily?

That is your truth. BELIEVE IT.

You don't have to convince your wife to agree with you about it.

I hear your story that you aren't sure if you can survive with your wife and you aren't sure if you can support your children, and you aren't sure that she can handle life either.

I also read your story about your job. I've not heard you mention ANY reason to quit your job except that your wife is asking you to. You say that your other options pay less and have less of a future. You clearly don't want that.

Your job and your relationship with your mother sound like the best and most stable things in your life today. Don't give them up for anyone else.

Hang in there! It can get better!
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« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2015, 01:27:10 PM »

Yea... i counted it up... we talked 85 times yesterday that I counted.  since yesterday about 80 text messages just from her.

She is completely out of it.  Just cursing and out of it.  I do not know what to do.  She is hammering me and stalking me.  

I have to make a major decision this weekend and i cannot concentrate on it.  I am so far behind on work.  This was first week i worked 40 hours in a month and first week i worked a normal full week in 2 months.

Everything is crumbling around me.  Now she saying i cannot even sleep in the house.

She has taken everything from me cause I let her.  I am feeling soo down.  I am so worn out from trying to protect and help her.  I am so broken now to now be betrayed and stabbed in the back... now to have my life fall apart besides us... I cannot fight it all. 
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« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2015, 01:43:20 PM »

Yea... i counted it up... we talked 85 times yesterday that I counted.  since yesterday about 80 text messages just from her.

She is completely out of it.  Just cursing and out of it.  I do not know what to do.  She is hammering me and stalking me.  

Have you seen or talked to your kids in all of this? Do you think that your kids could be in danger?

Excerpt
Now she saying i cannot even sleep in the house.

Then don't. Reach out to your mom. It sounds like she is in a good place. It doesn't matter if it upsets your wife. At this point, anything and everything that you do is going to upset your wife. Take care of you. Find a place where you can get a shower, a hot meal, and some sleep. You are wearing yourself down and need to take a moment for a bit of self care.

Excerpt
She has taken everything from me cause I let her.  I am feeling soo down.  I am so worn out from trying to protect and help her.  I am so broken now to now be betrayed and stabbed in the back... now to have my life fall apart besides us... I cannot fight it all. 

Then stop protecting her and helping her. Or, if you do, find other ways to do it. If she is being so vile and scary, call the police and have them do a welfare check on her. Get somebody else involved that is experienced with dealing with this sort of stuff. You are not a professional and it sounds like she needs some professional help. As long as she is dysregulated, all you can do is protect yourself and get out of the line of fire. Turn your cell phone OFF. Yes, you will miss her calls and she will be mad. So what. She has already told you that she is done and that you can't sleep there. What more does she need to talk to you about right now?

You need the time and space to think about this big upcoming decision.
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« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2015, 02:11:04 PM »

the kids she would never hurt.

She told me clothes on porch.  I am not sure how much my mother has to do with this...   I think my wife is too demanding of others time and energy, but maybe i am wrong.

All my work stuff is at the house too... WHOLE office of stuff.  my accounting, my everything, to move all of it and where to move to... its all too much.

oddly enough she just inherited part of a house that has 4 bedrooms with her sister, but im the one forced to move... .
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« Reply #22 on: January 17, 2015, 02:29:02 PM »

I think my wife is too demanding of others time and energy, but maybe i am wrong.

If your truth is that your wife demands too much of your time and energy, then that is your truth. Nobody has to agree with you. If that is how you feel, that is how you feel. No need to second guess yourself.

Excerpt
All my work stuff is at the house too... WHOLE office of stuff.  my accounting, my everything, to move all of it and where to move to... its all too much.

I am not suggesting that you do anything permanent. I am suggesting that you find a temporary space for a couple of nights that will allow your wife to calm down and will allow you some space to gather your wits about you. In my experience, a person with BPD can change at the drop of a hat.

Excerpt
oddly enough she just inherited part of a house that has 4 bedrooms with her sister, but im the one forced to move... .

Do you want to be right or do you want peace? Do you want to focus on what is fair or do you want space and peace of mind? I know it seems ridiculous that she has another place but is asking you to move. I don't think now is a good time to try to make any kind of permanent decisions. The goal should be to stop the bleeding and get off of the roller coaster long enough to think straight.
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« Reply #23 on: January 17, 2015, 02:42:33 PM »

I am trying but she keeps texting... im really losing it here. 

My OCD is also flaring and making my stress level go even higher.  My immediate family, my family/friends, my career... It seems like im going to lose a minimum of two of them within the next 48 hours.  my dignity is gone.  my peace is gone.  my kids... i cant see my kids... .

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« Reply #24 on: January 17, 2015, 02:56:15 PM »

Have you been taking the calls and answering the texts?

What do you think she would do if you told her you weren't going to communicate with her at all until tomorrow morning? (And then blocked her phone number until you got up in the morning?)
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« Reply #25 on: January 17, 2015, 02:58:22 PM »

One other thing. You could request police assistance to accompany you to the house so you could get your OCD medication. You mentioned that you hadn't had any in a few days. (Or make an emergency call to your doctor to get a short-term prescription written so you can get some at the drugstore without going home)
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« Reply #26 on: January 17, 2015, 04:15:58 PM »

I am trying but she keeps texting... im really losing it here. 

My OCD is also flaring and making my stress level go even higher.  My immediate family, my family/friends, my career... It seems like im going to lose a minimum of two of them within the next 48 hours.  my dignity is gone.  my peace is gone.  my kids... i cant see my kids... .

hi hh.

please, please, this is the moment for you to look after yourself. please get your medication. grey kitty in the last post gave you excellent suggestions. call your doctor, report all this.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2015, 08:30:51 AM »

sorry for disappearing for a couple of days... .

things got weirder honestly.  rest of my family stopped talking to me suddenly or just not wanting to.  Apparantly my sister who had defended me in an inproper way starting spewing stuff my wife had told her and stuff i had to totally napalm the situation.  She constantly starts trouble in my family.  She usually takes a bad situation and throws fire on it which destroys those people involved to redirect attention from her own problems and get her close to those she wants on her side...  I am furious at her...

but... my mother is pissed.  I am not sure if i have a future now.  No doubt my wife and my actions are ultimately responsible, but things were on a healing compassionate note with my mother until my sister got involved. Basically during my wife's mother dying my mother went downt here to be comforting but my mother is drinking alot lately.  Wife says the nurses saw her crying and hysterical to a degree over my mother in law.  My mother remembers things differently as just heavy prayer.  My wife thought it was a bit odd and scared her some with the staff of hospice.  Either way, she had mentioned it to me and my sister had started a conversation a few days back about my mother and her being off.  I had mentioned it and my sister told my mother.  

Hard part is that I had managed a balancing act of sorts for awhile.  The idea was to balance it until my wife was somewhat whole again which was happening from therapy.  The other aspect was taking more of a load off other family and taking over more of business, which in turn would make things easier on my mother who seems to be getting crushed a bit under weight

My mother and wife I did not want around each other.  My wife is very needy right now and my mother keeps promising to do stuff, and then do some and back out on the other half.  She will hang with my wife for 6 hours the night of the funeral then not call nor text my wife for over 8 days to check on her which hurts my wife.  If my wife mentions that she hadnt heard from her and was checking in, my mother will tell her she just figured she needed time to process it on her own... .which is telling somebody else how to feel.  Neither seems to empathize with other.  Now they refuse to ever communicate again with each other

my balancing act with my mother is simple.  She is also sick... she doesnt impose on my life, but i basically give her a wide berth.  I listen, i do not offer advice on anything family.  She thinks she knows best, and its her life so leave her to it.  

Today i gotta find out

a. if i have a job with my trust and which i wanted and was working to take over.  It is an easy way to solve any financial problem i will ever have, job security, and is honestly, pretty easy.  It is long hours, but I see the operation not being run efficiently right now.  It will always be more than 40 hours a week, but i think we can shave it closer to 47 hours a week than the 54 it is now

b. my other business will be losing my biggest customer.  They offered me a job... full time. but that means i give up my family business and all my other clients.  They will not discuss pay just yet, but if they doubled what i am making with them now, that would still be about a 40% pay cut.  If I lose them, depending if they influence some of the peripheral players its a loss of 25% to 30% of income.  Plus alot if based on a new concept that could fail

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« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2015, 09:02:53 AM »

sorry for disappearing for a couple of days... .

Hi hurthusband,

We all know that this is a very difficult time and we are here for you. You know that.

We do need to insist that you comply with some staff requests.  It's important that you confirm that you have made contact with at least one of the resources we emailed you and tell them what has been going on  (you an confirm that there is real life oversight privately), we need you to commit to remove the firearms from your home/work today, and commit that you not disappear again.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think I speak for everyone when I say we want to help.  We just need you to work with us.

Fair?

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hurthusband
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« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2015, 02:38:26 PM »

i have talked with my psychiatrist and have family notified as well as no access to firearms.  I will be more consistent on boards again

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