Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:50:08 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: struggling after miscarriage  (Read 405 times)
MarlyBoe

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 5


« on: January 15, 2015, 09:50:52 AM »

Hi everyone. I joined this site a while ago, when my husband was first diagnosed, but haven't spent much time at all around here. But recently I suffered a miscarriage and a Google search for miscarriage with BPD spouse led me here so I figured it's time to post something.

Overall we've been doing well. We were separated for about a year after his hospitalization and subsequent diagnosis. It was hard news but a relief because now we had something to "treat."  We've both been getting lots of professional help, individually and together, and we've been making good progress.  Good enough that we finally decided, nearly six years after our twins were born, to have another kid.

But last week I got the horrible news that the baby's heart had stopped beating and I had to have a medicated miscarriage. My husband, who is in the healthcare field, has what feels to me to be a very cold approach (the fetus wasn't viable and what's done is done). I get it that it may be the "seeing the world in black and white" BPD thing, and I accept that I'm likely very hormonal and all, but the fact remains that I am suffering, due both to the physical act of bleeding out my baby and the horrible emotional pain from the loss. And he has been completely unsympathetic. Even when he 'tries to be helpful and understanding' by, say, taking care of the kids in the morning so I can get a little extra rest, later in the week he'll inevitably guilt trip me for it, as if letting me rest wasn't an act of love rather a negotiating chip I now have to make good on.

Anyhow, that's what's going on now with me. While I desperately hope no one else out there has to go through anything like this, my guess is there probably will be someone who understands. Sad as that is, it'll be nice to have a little support and understanding. Thanks, all.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2015, 10:05:02 AM »

I am so sorry for your loss.

I did experience this too, and my H had a cold and scientific approach to it too. In fact, the night before I had to have the procedure, he stopped to have dinner with a co-worker. It wasn't a quick meal, but a moderately nice restaurant. When he came home, I was upset that he didn't come home faster. His reply " well I had to eat!" My reply " of course you had to eat, but why a restaurant with your friend". I am sure you know where that went. I didn't know better.

Logically, I was not in physical danger that night. He didn't need to worry about me. I also had great medical care. It was early on in the pregnancy thankfully, because that made it physically easier, but emotionally, all my hopes and dreams for that baby ended. I was a wreck emotionally.

I will wish for your healing. It was a long time ago, and I have gotten over it, but know how painful a loss it is. I undestand how he reacted now, not that I like it, but I am not bewildered by it anymore. Be good to yourself.

Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2015, 10:38:48 AM »

I want to add that at the time, I took this quite personally, it was very hurtful. I could not imagine how someone could be so cold at such an emotionally hard time. I think it is exactly that it is emotionally hard that makes them colder.

I'm pretty detatched from his reaction now, since I understand it was not about me.

I saw something similar to this later when my father was ill. (mom has BPD). She was extremely cold about it. I think this has to do with how pwBPD manage feelings. They can not even manage their own so imagine how they can not manage such emotional situations like this. She had to have been feeling something. Surely I was upset, and my poor dad knew things were serious but she could not be of comfort to him.

Thinking back, perhaps my H and yours, were aware of the loss you are facing, but something so emotional was not even something they could handle, so they cut themselves off from it. It seems as if they are unaware of your pain, but they are so  far into their own heads, they can't see much else.

I wish I had known that then. I would have found a support group or some other way to get the emotional support I needed. I hope you can find some support where you are.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!