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Author Topic: Cake but didn't eat it?.  (Read 358 times)
JohnLove
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: January 15, 2015, 09:19:10 PM »

Hello everyone. Like everyone in here, I am following my heart, but I now require a little perspective. I have been in a relationship of sorts for 2 years with my BPDgf and have been triangulated with guys previously. So I'm a little set up AND a little triggered by very recent events.  

A short back story:

My BPDgf has a job where she works with men of asian descent in a restaurant. Her boss is manipulative (proven) and it's a long story but she has a grant where her pay doesn't even come out of his pocket. She is basically a free employee who gets to do all the dirty work. Then there is his family involved. His Mother is particulary abusive and has caused my BPDgf a fair amount of pain and distress to the point she came home one evening and broke down when I walked into my room and asked what was wrong. This is not typical behaviour from her. I was alarmed, genuinely concerned, and talked her through it. I had talked her through many minor incidences previously that she had found upsetting. I told her we would make an appointment to see her employment support person and get these troubles reigned in especially the clear abuse. In this process I was triangulated with her employment support person and wore some serious abuse. I found this out the hard way. I was devastated for a time. I insist on making another appointment with my BPDgf and her employment support person because nobody had any confirmation that her employer was spoken to in regard to the psychological abuse that was occuring... .AND TO GET SOME OF MY DIGNITY BACK.  :'(

We learn that nothing had occurred in part because I was removed from the initial appointment FOR NO REASON when I was there to articulate the problems and insist something was done. The concerns were justified because by the next week her employment support person had done nothing. My BPDgf was due to attend work that afternnoon in just hours. She broke down. We were there because after having heard nothing and my BPDgf was ready to leave her job that took her many months to land with the assistance of her employment support person, I might add. My BPDgf broke down and was crying. A reprieve was organised in that she would have the night off and a promise was made the employer would be contacted and made aware that something needed to change.

Just one of the particulary distressing complaints made by my BPDgf and myself is that they were openly mocking my BPDgf in Mandarin right in front of her. They would all laugh. My BPDgf could only ascertain it was in relation to her and the jobs she was doing and being made to do. There was no asking. They were working?. It seemed racist as well as abusive.    She was the butt of their jokes or given jobs that nobody had done before that caused her physical and emotional pain. The kitchen is behind the counter. Open to the public. It was the Mother that was directing this abuse. But everyone was in on it. There were prior incidences of denigration or disrespect by the employee's that seemed related to what they could get away with or was related to the pecking order in that workplace. I might note that everyone except my BPDgf has a relationship to each other. Everyone seems to be related or with a connection to family.

Opportunistically at this follow up appointment in an attempt to resolve this after it was all neglected after the first appointment, the employment support person had her supervisor sitting in on all her interviews on this day. I had it out with the employment support person and voiced my concerns to her supervisor. Her supervisior was aghast at what had been occurred to my BPDgf at the employment place that they had referred her to and at the level of mistreatment I had recieved from their organisation. Fast forward a little. The employment support person lost her job. And deservedly so. I thought she didnt deserve to be in her position but never thought this would occur after the control over me she exibited when I was removed on the previous appointment. THERE IS NO FEELING QUITE LIKE VALIDATION, IS THERE FOLKS?.  

There is more, that's the short story.  

Fast forward to yesterday:

She is leaving work and it is not unusual for her to bring home telephone orders that havent been picked up, that are only going in the rubbish, that no one else wants, as they all have their meals prepared and eat them while at work.

But the night before last, the Head Chef gives her cake to take home. She brings it into my room. I have a sweet tooth. I asked is it Vegan?. It isnt. (Yeah. Im Vegan  Smiling (click to insert in post)). She tries it. She tells me it tastes "funny". It's not really a cake. More of a mushy liquidy thing with cinnamon. I asked her why she even has it?. "He gave it to me". Do these people not understand "No, thanks?."    She has always had to pay for any food she brings home or even a can of drink while she is working. I wonder. I ask her to ask him why he gave it to her. I didnt think she would. SHE DID.  

Now I know there is nothing "wrong" at all with recieving gifts of kindness or when someone is being charitable.

She tells me about the conversation last night she had with him last night. She told me it tasted funny and I suspect it was thrown out. She told him it was "very sweet" and led him to believe she ate it. The dessert. He may misinterpret that as the action. He made a point of telling her he made it himself. No one else was offered any. Another employee was eating it after his shift as I'm guessing it probably was coming close to spoiling at this point. That makes sense.

When she asked my question "Why did you give me cake?", his answer was "Because I did". In my view, that is not an answer, that is deceit or manipulation. He had no genuine reason... .if his motives were genuine. Nothing about it needing to be eaten, or it was a new recipe he needed feedback on, or any other real reason. The real reason appears hidden... .but I have my suspicions as the history of mistreatment and the "covering" of his true motive.

I lost it with her last night. I said something completely inappropriate (but who knows if true as there are disturbed individuals around and these guys have signs) and made her very aware that I am not happy. We still slept in my bed, but apart, and without further discussion. I felt we were only going to go south.

This morning she slept in until 12pm. I was down until 10:30am. This is unusual for me. I made breakfast and set about cleaning my kitchen. I came back and laid on the bed. She wanted to be intimate but I told her if she wants to accept gifts from other men (I didn't say to that were preiously abusive toward you) then I was never going to be happy about it while she is in a "relationship" with me.

There are dark undertones and (of course) more to this story. I am having real trouble, but trouble to this relationship is not new, we make progress only to slide back even further. I have not ruled out it is innocent, but knowing what I do know, there is no real evidence of that. That is why I asked her to ask him. She seemed to have no idea of what she was doing. I was looking for evidence of a genuine action. I have not ruled out that he may not be a monster and this is a just a sign of remorse or to make amends. But there isnt even a suggestion of that. I am not aware that she is  being treated differently... .but after my last appointment with the employment support persons supervisor, MOMSTER has certainly been reigned in.

She tells me one thing and him another. I could count that as she was just being polite. But my heart. It is yelling at my head. I like to live a life of truthfulness.

Perspectives please.
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waverider
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2015, 03:32:12 AM »

With a BPD relationship there will always be areas were you are not completely privy to the true facts. Partly because the pwBPD does not perceive reality as it is, and so what they tell you will always be slightly, or worse, out of tune with reality as you perceive it. Hence trying to analyse the details will lead to false assumptions and worries.

The only truth is that you will never know the complete truth
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JohnLove
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2015, 07:55:12 AM »

Thanks waverider. I value your input. I am well aware of this. I have employed recording devices (with her consent) in the past to assist me with that.    I have practised radical acceptance to obtain closure for me on a number of issues where the absolute truth (or what actually happened) has been twisted, obscured, or I have been gaslighted.

Our relationship was going well. Her job was going well. I know you are advising me not to over analyse but this bringing home a free dessert from work... .doesn't work for me. I have no doubt these simple actions are fact. The EXACT circumstance I am not. Bottom line. He provided her with a dessert she wasnt required to pay for, when since she started has had to pay for a simple can of drink while working, was only ever offered leftovers, that no one else wanted, and has paid (with a small discount) if she brings home a meal she wants. Recently she filled a takeaway container with boiled rice after work. She just took it. Without asking. No biggie for me.

I believe she is being manipulated, or toyed with, or something else. It was very important for me to understand if his motives were genuine in offering a handmade dessert to my BPDgf and her acceptance of this muck that tastes "funny" (her words). His self evident answer "because I did" when he was pressed was not a reasonable answer from a genuine person. I dont believe she should accept anything from people who have denigrated her for months but are now going smoothly (her words). The Head Chef seems to assume charge when the boss/owner isn't present.

She works really hard but is not paid very well. I won't explain she has many small children to support or the tips jar is shared between everyone but her since she started.

This was bought up again when she was approached by a couple who paid her a nice tip upon leaving by saying they thought she worked really hard and her tip was on the table and she better go and get it.

I am supportive of her problems at work but for obvious reasons do not want to get involved anymore. I learnt my lesson. I proved myself but still wonder if it was worth the hurt and suffering to me. I also don't want to enable her behaviour or perform rescuing duties. But still I am concerned by this seemingly simple act. I have been blindsided in the past. It feels a little PTSD.

We are not spending tonight together when we would usually spend every night together because of this and now other side issues of her own she has bought in to my original complaint.This is not helping. She is now projecting all sorts of twisted crap and texting me that she is going to quit her job next week because of all the problems I am having with her work. Pleeeeeease... .give me strength.

I would appreciate more specific advice unless this situation is as impossible as it feels.

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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2015, 10:26:47 AM »

Do you feel you struggle to trust her?

in the world at large there will always be others trying flirts/charm even be sleazy at times with our partners. It happens to me, that is the way of the world. If you are both on the same side and trust each other then working to better equip her to differentiate for herself where her boundaries lay.

At the end of the day it is whether she can identify her own boundaries that will ward off these problems. As there will always be someone else after this one, and there is always someone who is willing to take advantage of others because they can. Whether it be an employer or salesperson

Is there a way you can both  learn about identifying and protecting boundaries together as a core permanent management skill, rather then just focusing on a specific issue which will come and pass. Otherwise you will feed doubt, lack of trust and fear of disclosure
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JohnLove
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Posts: 571



« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2015, 05:51:15 PM »

Yes. Absolutely. She has given me good reasons not to trust her in the past. We seem to have issues whenever another man enters her life. She behaves inappropriately and I am a little sexually possesive. I have had a number of conversations about us being incompatible. She won't even entertain that thought.

I understand this is the real world. Sometimes it feels she has almost no boundaries. Often it feels we are not on the same side because if she has an unreasonable complaint about something, I still respond to her feelings on the matter. I dont make her feelings truth. We discuss it. I try my part to make it better for her. To resolve it.

She trusts me as far as someone suffering BPD can. I am trustworthy. She knows it. She is not even receptive to my complaint. You see, it involves my feelings. She had a minor rage and stormed out of my home. "AND IT IS ONLY CAKE" as she put it. I asked her what's next?. Sharing a meal with him?. I hypothesized what if it was a meal he prepared and placed it at a table she had just set?. I got no response. You can guess what BPD type she is.

I also have a strong logical mind and this recent behaviour by the men that work there prior to momster being put on a leash was despicable.

This is someone you would accept a gift of food from is it?. And then lie to him about it the following day?. She has texted more in regard to how it was provided to her. He just pointed to a container on the counter after work and said "There's some food there to take". Like you would provide to a homeless person or the manner in which you would feed a dog. She feels she has been treated badly by these people. I would have declined, or told him to shove it, or just left it there. But it's not about me is it.

When I complained about his motives, she offered he is married with a baby, like his marital situation was some form of boundary for her.    I can see an unhealthy dynamic and am disturbed by it... .but rather than distance herself, she engages with it. 

Your advice makes perfect sense to me. How permanent can anything be if you are gaslighted half the time when you raise something you have an issue with?. She has broken almost every promise and agreement we have ever made. We have discussed this. I have focused on specific issues as they arise in an attempt to develop a REAL understanding between us that is universal between situations. Nothing is working really well in that department. Progress is slow. I keep lowering my expectations of her but infidelity, if it occurs, is a deal breaker for me.

I am aware that I cant be everything to her, or fill her every need. That is not my responsibility. But if she needs to accept charity or gifts from other men, abusive men, or for them to provide for her... .well, she doesnt need me to. That kinda kills intimacy for me. If she was protective of us. That would be great. She can be insanely jealous. But if I take issue with her behaviour... .I am being unreasonable. 

I realise you are correct on those last three points. These are real. She knows I doubt her love for me, at least to the extent she voices it.

I have told her that I don't trust her after she destroyed it at her own hand.

Fear of disclosure?. After telling me I would be responsible for her leaving employment she now reveals (in a text message no less) that she was going to leave the job after she saved to buy a new Galaxy S5 (after she almost completely smashed her old S2 in a very dysregulated rage in front of me and her eldest daughter). This was her "plan". She didnt tell her intimate partner for fear he would carry on about it. What is there to carry on about?. I have asked her the same question. 

I told her. Bottom line. Go to work. Buy your Galaxy S5.

I might have fleas, but I'm not going to scratch them.   

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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2015, 05:04:34 AM »

How is this going, now?
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