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Author Topic: To Pursue or Not To Pursue?  (Read 1940 times)
Restored2
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« on: January 15, 2015, 10:31:54 PM »

My ex-girlfriend strongly appears to have borderline personality disorders (BPD).  She abruptly broke up with me via an email entitled "Goodbye" and a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh.  Then she immediately blocked me out via telephone, text and email.  The breakup was almost five months ago now.  None of this is warranted, as I have done nothing to deserve this mistreatment and have only treated her well.  She told me prior to her breaking up with me that she wants to be pursued.  :)oes this mean that she is wanting me to chase after her?

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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2015, 11:35:31 PM »

First and foremost, I am really sorry to hear that this has happened. There are plenty of resources here that will help you not only to confirm your suspicions, but also to help you to deal with the pain and frustration that this has caused you. Everyone on this site has been through something similar (or worse, trust me, I have read about some really ugly things here) and want to help... .keep posting on the boards and you will begin to piece answers together. Keep in mind a couple of things: 1-it is NOT your fault. This is a mental illness and there is absolutely zero that you could have done to prevent this from happening 2-it gets better, just hang in there

What you describe is typical to the extent that I almost made the comment 'we must have been dating the same woman'. Mine did a 'disappearing act' 3.5 months ago... .she left when I was out of town after moving in just 3 weeks prior, we were engaged and having a very good relationship. We never argued or had disagreements at all. I went out of town on business and she sent me a text saying that our relationship was over... .she had moved out ... .and I should never attempt to contact her... .Hows that for sudden? Keep in mind that with BPD, the fear of abandonment is a strong fear. In her case, her 18 year old son moved out of the house (trigger), she had moved into a new place (stress) then I went out of town leaving her alone for the first time in her adult life (trigger). It freaked her out. This might give you some ideas on why yours did what she did.

Mine also blocked me from contacting her in every conceivable way; phone, text, email, social media (she went several steps further by not only blocking me, but unfriending all of my friends and compelling her family and friends to do the same). This is called splitting where they see the world only in terms of black and white, good and bad... .I am now bad: she has painted me black not only to herself, but to her friends and family. Sometimes through what is called a distortion campaign, they go ahead and manufacture whatever they have to in order to make what are baseless claims the gods honest truth including involving law enforcement and the courts. I can only imagine what mine has told people about me in order to explain her dramatic actions.

While a bulk of BPD's seem to remain in some form of contact to an irritating level after the fact, some don't and some never reach back out at all. Even if they do, its only because they are not able to find someone with whom to attach that will help to satisfy their inherent need to take emotional comfort (until the do the same with them). This is called recycling and I have read of accounts where it this happens up to a dozen times or more re initiating under the guise that they have changed or any machination to restore the status quo - they often times return as if nothing at all had happened! Although that never happened to me, I did get recycled a half dozen times during the 2 years we were together.

My ex also made it clear that she liked to be chased and suggested that if anything would happen in the future that she would want for me to come after her. Maybe she meant it and maybe she didn't, same as yours. I can tell you this, the two times that I called her were met with a letter from an attorney threatening a PPO and one from the cops. It would take a lot more than this to earn a PPO, but the possibility that my name becomes legally besmirched by a crazy woman really pissed me off (if you carry a weapon, you right to do so if revoked with a ppo).

Mine was not like most of the relationships that I read about here, stormy, argumentative, violent, frustrating to say the least. Mine was mostly pleasant (with some problems that I knew were certain to come up) and I have fond memories. Part of me wishes that I woke up only to find that this was just a really bad nightmare and that everything was the way it was the night before my trip. If you are of the same thinking, and wish that there was something that you could do to compel her to you, chasing her is not the trick. I read an article about chasing and women where the consensus was that they liked to be chased, but only by the right man. Since you are painted black, that is not you I am sorry to say. 

Not sure if you have been trying to contact her at all. If you have, then stop. This feeds them in a way where they derive a sense of power over you knowing that they can come back at any time - you are the contingency plan and available at the drop of a dime, you have already demonstrated it. Some people say that you are out of sight and out of mind at this point, while others insist that when you cut them off, this denies them that power. So, stop calling, texting and emailing. Block them on FB and make sure that you do all that you can to mitigate the amount of info that gets back to them through mutual friends and such if at all possible.

I really hope that this helps and that things work out well. 

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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2015, 12:37:23 AM »

Thank you JRT for your supportive and encouraging response, with insights and sharing of your own personal BPD relationship experience.  Much appreciated.  It helps for me to put into better perspective.

Your BPD relationship experience sounds very similar to mine.  You also sound like you've been through the ringer, mate.  We never really argued either and our relationship was mostly pleasant with fond memories too.  My girlfriend had many transitional changes and stressors affecting her prior to her breakup with me as well.  Stress appears to be another triggering factor in this world of BPD.  I can relate to you, as I feel like I've been living a bad nightmare since the abrupt breakup from her.

I have made minimal contact with her over the course of almost 5 months since the breakup, involving a phone call and some letters.  I have told her that the door remains open on my end, as I have not abandoned either her or our friendship.  From what you said, this would empower her. 

I am curious what it takes to be painted white again?   

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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2015, 01:11:18 AM »

To the normal person, you would be the recipient of some sort of medal or award; you took the breakup standing up... .you gave her the space she apparently needed... .send her a letter or two letting her know your thought and expressed that you would be there when she needed you. I think that you are a stand up man! Any normal woman would swoon. I can't speak for her, but I can say that BPD's are not normal. There are those here that would speculate that this has empowered her even more... .even that she has lost respect for you by your lingering. Others that might just say, 'get over it, its just over'. But if you are like me, its the WAY that it ended on top of the fact that it was, by all accounts, a good relationship by and large. There is this untied end that just keeps lingering... .YOU know what I am talking about.

You are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Don't try to chase her and attempt to keep in touch, and you confirmed that you were going to abandon her. Try to reach out to her and you are stalking her. You cannot win! It appears that I am of the same fabric as you; I don't like to sit around and wait for things to happen. If I knew of the magic thing to say to mine and had a chance to say it that would make it all go away, I would suffer through great privation in order to do it. But... .there is nothing you can do.

You have signaled your intention. She knows that you are still there... .let time work its magic and she may come back. If she does, be really careful what you wish for; she has to come back aware of her problem and have been working on it or this WILL happen again and it appears to become progressively worse.

Be also prepared for her to never return. This is a hard one for me as I REALLY felt after 48 years on this earth that, finally, this was the ONE for me. The that God sent for me especially. and that's not just poetry talk. To be good to you, its important to brace for this eventuality... .I wish I could tell you that it is going to be easy.

Hang in there brother. Keep on these forums. Write. Read. They both help. This too shall pass. 
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2015, 08:10:22 PM »

Thank you for your response back, JRT.  I really appreciate your sensitivity,encouragement and support with words of affirmation.

If there are any medals or awards being handed out, then you sound like you should be a recipient at the front of the line.  I'm not sure how "standing up" I was in how I took the breakup, as I was more in a curled up fetal position from the devastating blow.  My self esteem has taken a HUGE beating from the fallout of a shattered heart and being hit with major depression from it all.  Just the same, I accept your compliment of being a "stand up man". 

Interesting what you said about "any normal woman would swoon" over what I have done, by giving her space and sending her a few letters expressing my heart with letting her know that I am still here for her.  I'm not sure what "normal" is for her.  She told me that she has given me her heart, but that she just takes it back from time to time.  A woman who is married to a friend of mine read my letters and said that she would be really impressed to receive the letters that I sent to my BPD ex-girlfriend.  My hope is that my BPD ex-girlfriend was touched in some swooning like fashion by what I have done.

I definitely know what you are talking about in regards to the way that it all ended with it being an overall great relationship.  The untied end that keeps lingering can easily gnaw at ones soul... .   

It does feel like a damned if you do, damned if you don't type of scenario.  It does appear that you and I speak the same thought language and are of the "same fabric" here.  I'm not a guy who likes to sit around and wait for things to happen either.  Doing what I feel lead to be best amidst the trying circumstances without being overkill, is an action recipe towards feeling better with a clearer conscience on my end.  We need to stop doing everything just for the sake of the BPD person and start looking at what is best for us and the restoration/reconciliation of the relationship too.

I have already let her know via letter that I desire a relationship redo with her, but that counselling would need to be at the forefront for us to move forwards.  Otherwise, I can see it being a bumpy road all over again.

Your talk is not poetry to me at all.  You appear to be a man of Christian faith, as I am.  I can relate to you in regards to believing her to be finally "the one for me" at over 40 years of age.  Her and I also believe that God saved us for each other, with us talking about getting married.  Ironically, she was the one who pursued me in the friendship, dating, and she initiated talk towards us getting married after only a couple of months dating.

She said something that leaves me wondering where she is coming from.  That being that if we ever broke up that she would not be able to be friends with me for some time down the road.  I can only assume that this is for the purpose of further distancing from her emotions towards me.  Any insights into this?

As difficult as it is to see right now, I know that "this too shall pass".
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2015, 08:19:23 PM »

Yes... .I am a Christian as well... .I recall going to mass every week and not asking God for this or that, I THANKED him every week for my good fortune and His blessing of a great relationship... .I was very happy.

As to what she said about not being friends... .I am not really sure... .But time and space will tell

Hang tough!

And thank you for the compliment... .I am paying it forward.
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2015, 08:28:58 PM »

Hi Restored2,

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.    Adding on to JRT's well written replies, the best thing you can do for either outcome (her reconnecting or not) is to take care of yourself. Working on yourself helps with either reconnecting or detaching. It is hard to forget ourselves when we have been coping with erratic and confusing behavior for so long.  You are important too! Have you had a chance to focus on yourself and heal?

She said something that leaves me wondering where she is coming from.  That being that if we ever broke up that she would not be able to be friends with me for some time down the road.  I can only assume that this is for the purpose of further distancing from her emotions towards me.  Any insights into this?

My pwBPD is self aware at times. He explained devaluation/splitting to me as this, "I distance myself from you because when I talk to you or am around you, I feel ashamed, guilty, sad, and like a terrible person. I tend to be mean to you so I can push you away. I feel bad for what I have done and do not deserve to have you. I deserve living in my own depressing misery. I associate you with those feelings of shame and guilt.  It is easier for me to cope this way. "
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« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2015, 12:48:00 AM »

Eagle... .thank you for the compliment... .its nice of you to say this and also provide support for our new friend.

I ahve a question for you regarding your BPD... .does any level of explanation or reassurance help? "You ARE worthy" "You have nothing for which to be ashamed'? Does that sort of thing have any effect?
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« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2015, 01:31:35 AM »

Thank you JRT and EaglesJuju for your sensitive supportive responses with insights and words of encouragement.

JRT: That's cool that you are a Christian too!  I feel for your loss in your relationship, brother.  It's extremely difficult to wrap ones brain around, let alone ones heart and soul.  As for the compliment, you're welcome.  You've got me thinking... .You said that you have recycled a half a dozen times during your 2 years together.  Did she breakup with you every time?  What were the longest time periods between each breakup?  Did she ever abruptly cut you off and block you out with threats the way that she did this last time?  How did she re-initiate contact with you each time?  What were the reasons she gave you for leaving you when she came back?

EaglesJuju: I agree with you, JRT has provided some well written replies, that have been very informative and thought provoking.  I have not focused on myself and my own healing as a priority.  As you referred to, I have been struggling to cope with the confusion of it all.  As a result, I have been lost and confused in a world of apathy, which is not my norm.  That is quite the dark insight provided by your pwBPD on devaluation/splitting.  If you cause them such a negative reaction, why would he want to be around you then?  Has he ever told you what you do to trigger being devalued/split?
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2015, 02:00:54 AM »

Yes... .it was she that broke up each time (breaking up is not my way of going about things)... .the shortest period was a few hours (last xmas eve)... .the longest period was 2 months... .3.5 if you count this time... .but i have heard of some returning years later... .(I know what you are looking for)... .the last time before this one, she began to block me and such on fb, but was definitely a lite version of what she did this time... .she has gone through EXTRAORDINARY lengths to prevent any contact of any kind... .each time she re-initiated contact via email, there was always some 'unfinished business' that she could have easily ignored... .she used them as 'rationale' for contacting me and saving face at the same time (on one, she managed my web page; "Here is the logon to your web page, have a good day". Then a phone call... .then a conversation (her always angry trying to draw me into an argument)... .then a meeting (she always said that all that it took was for her to see me and the episode ended right there and then, strange. But I am sure that whatever it is, THAT is what she is working hard to avoid). She never gave reasons... .there were always some pseudo reasons for her anger and leaving, but never shared with me her logic for returning but I can guess it is because I loved her and she loved me... .maybe she just needed me. I wish I knew... .
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« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2015, 02:25:05 AM »

JRT, thank you for answering my questions with sharing your personal relationship experience.  You've had an intense roller coaster ride experience.  I hear ya on breaking up, as it is not my way of going about things either.  There just seems to be soo much senseless to these relationships that is beyond baffling.
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« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2015, 10:28:08 AM »

Its a mental illness remember... .if you do get back with her, the only way that you will avoid seeing this in the future is if she is treated for it. YOu simply cannot talk this back into flying straight.
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« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2015, 11:00:03 AM »

I agree with your words of wisdom, JRT.  It's irrational behaviour that simply cannot be rationalized or be a "talk this back into flying straight" kind of deal.  I let her know in one of my letters to her that I desire a relationship redo with her, but that we would need to attend counselling together in order to move forwards.  I'm curious, would you take yours back again?
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« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2015, 11:45:43 AM »

There is a part of me that would... .but there is another part of me that would never.

I built a life with her for 2 years... .she was highly compatible on many levels and we were planning our future. But what she did to me is one thing... .how it affected my daughter is another. My 15 year old looked up to her and accepted her into her heart as her step-mother. I worked VERY hard over the years of being divorced to keep away any woman who might do emotional or physical harm to her and I let in the worst possible element to her. My daughter has now been 'sad' and doesn't understand why (she is depressed).

On top of everything, I now have trust issues as she clearly planned her disappearance in advance and lied by omission to me in the days preceding it... .she enjoined her family and friends in the caper as well. Rather than challenge her and her motives (like healthy people would do - my family would press me hard with a 'what the hell are you doing? kind of approach), they simply complied with her demands to extend the anger and pain. These are people that were supposed to accept me on the condition of the human being that I am, not conditional upon my relationship with my ex. How could I ever look these people in the eye ever again knowing that if I were to get back with her and the situation would repeat, that they would unceremoniously flush me again?

Along those lines, a friend of hers initiated an IM session with me in an attempt to return some property a couple of weeks ago. This was someone that I only met a couple of times; the first time where I had gone to a place where she had just moved in and put together furniture and helped her to move in - I never even met this person and that was the kind of giving that I was doing! The IM was incredible; there was not even a stitch of sensitivity or civility but then again, if the ex is painting herself to be the victim, then it goes without saying. Her contempt and disrespect for me was pretty clear even though these were the same friends that prior to the b/e were telling her 'they just don't make 'em like him any more'.

Her son is another bone of contention here where we don't have the time or space to discuss fully. He is a 4 year old in an 18 year olds body. Entirely irresponsible, highly annoying and 100% socially and functionally broken. Imagine what a BPD can create in a child! I would say that 80% of our conversations were about him and some behavioral problem that he was having. With me, he attempted to cross the boundaries I had established for him over and over again (he once squared up against me, THAT would have been funny) until toward the end, had sworn at me and I no longer was speaking with him. I had done SO much for him and the rest of the family recognized that he treated me far different that ANYONE else in his life to the extent that they remarked that if I was in his life ten years earlier, that he would have turned out far differently. I would NEVER knowingly return to that.

So... .I am of the mind that if I DID get back with her, that I would never wish to see her family, friends, son ever again or would be allowed in my home. Kinda makes it difficult huh?
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« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2015, 06:56:44 PM »

That is quite the dark insight provided by your pwBPD on devaluation/splitting.  If you cause them such a negative reaction, why would he want to be around you then?  Has he ever told you what you do to trigger being devalued/split?

Right now we are separated. It is a long story, but the reason he left was to get help from a psychiatrist he was working with in the past.  My bf never has split me completely black.

He has had trouble communicating with me, until 2 months ago. He told me that it literally caused him physical/mental pain when he talked to me, not because of anything I did, but his own feelings. Also, he told me that he did everything that he could think of to push me away. According to him, he pushes away everyone before they can leave him. He did not believe that anyone would still be there for him even with all the pushing/projecting. My steadfastness helped him a little with his abandonment fears.

He has told me when he is dysregulating to leave him alone. That is not what he wants at all. On a more cogent day, he said to give him a hug and tell him everything is going to be alright. I brought up the contradiction and he told me to always give him a hug. 
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« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2015, 08:49:12 PM »

That is quite the dark insight provided by your pwBPD on devaluation/splitting.  If you cause them such a negative reaction, why would he want to be around you then?  Has he ever told you what you do to trigger being devalued/split?

Right now we are separated. It is a long story, but the reason he left was to get help from a psychiatrist he was working with in the past.  My bf never has split me completely black.

He has had trouble communicating with me, until 2 months ago. He told me that it literally caused him physical/mental pain when he talked to me, not because of anything I did, but his own feelings. Also, he told me that he did everything that he could think of to push me away. According to him, he pushes away everyone before they can leave him. He did not believe that anyone would still be there for him even with all the pushing/projecting. My steadfastness helped him a little with his abandonment fears.

He has told me when he is dysregulating to leave him alone. That is not what he wants at all. On a more cogent day, he said to give him a hug and tell him everything is going to be alright. I brought up the contradiction and he told me to always give him a hug. 

So I take it that you are still together?
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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2015, 09:58:25 PM »

JRT: It does kinda make it difficult, to say the least.  Hearing your fuller story I can completely appreciate your divided position with not really wanting to get back together with her again.  It's extremely unfortunate that your daughter got caught in the cross fire with being depressed from the fallout.  I can totally understand how you would have trust issues after all that your ex has dragged you through.  In addition to the challenges of your ex, you are book ended with her having a very unhealthy group of family and friends to contend with as well.  Her fickle friends appear to be made of a much different cloth than both you and I are.  Sounds like her son was beyond a challenge.  I feel for you in this difficult predicament.  Do you feel like you are making any progress in your healing process? 

EaglesJuju: This is quite insightful stuff!  I still don't understand why anyone like him would want to be around you then, if you are causing him such a negative reaction?  I'm curious what would have caused him to shift towards communicating with you better from 2 months ago?  Also, is there anything that you are doing to trigger his devaluation/splitting of you? 
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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2015, 11:54:41 PM »

JRT: It does kinda make it difficult, to say the least.  Hearing your fuller story I can completely appreciate your divided position with not really wanting to get back together with her again.  It's extremely unfortunate that your daughter got caught in the cross fire with being depressed from the fallout.  I can totally understand how you would have trust issues after all that your ex has dragged you through.  In addition to the challenges of your ex, you are book ended with her having a very unhealthy group of family and friends to contend with as well.  Her fickle friends appear to be made of a much different cloth than both you and I are.  Sounds like her son was beyond a challenge.  I feel for you in this difficult predicament.  Do you feel like you are making any progress in your healing process? 

EaglesJuju: This is quite insightful stuff!  I still don't understand why anyone like him would want to be around you then, if you are causing him such a negative reaction?  I'm curious what would have caused him to shift towards communicating with you better from 2 months ago?  Also, is there anything that you are doing to trigger his devaluation/splitting of you? 

Thanks man... .I fade in and I fade out a little bit... .these boards are a better way of bouncing elements off of people to see if they have any depth of insight or similar experiences, it works (but I wonder if stopping in here as much as I do is preventing progress)

Yeah, its very frustrating. If I had done anything like this, my family and friends would have murdered me until I went back on my hands and knees begging for her forgiveness. Her friends are like the Three Stooges of relationships themselves and are doing much to enable her,  hence that IM (though I suspect that her other friends blew off the request). Birds of a feather flock together.

Ditto with her family who created her anyway.  Its funny, I asked her dad who confirmed that she has done this to EVERYONE she has known (including family members), why his family went along with unfriending me on social media. He equated it to familial unity. I coulda punched the guy in the nose: I wanted to scream into the phone 'THATS CALLED ENABLEMENT!'.

Anyhow, I digress. I am about 75% of my former self. I know that it is going to take time and distance.

Thanks for checking in.
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« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2015, 05:18:00 PM »

For sure, JRT.  Yeah, I think we can all have our moments of fluctuating ups and downs from time to time.  It's definitely a journey of sorts... .  I think there needs to be a balance on how much we "stop in" to these message boards and other information gathering, lest we become consumed by being pulled deeper into the emotional abyss of BPD.

I can totally relate to what you mentioned about your family and friends murdering you if you had of done anything like this to her.  For me personally, I would not really be able to live with myself, let alone look myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth.  Then there would be my family and friends who would be holding me accountable and correcting me for my mistreatment towards her.  I'm not sure how people who mistreat others, like we have been mistreated, can go on living their lives the way they appear to. 

You're bang on about your ex's family and friends enabling her BIG time.  This is where the odds are stacked against you too.  I believe that my ex-girlfriend's sister-in-law and 3 closest girlfriends are different with not being enablers, but I am not certain.  My other discussion post on here entitled "From Darkness to Light", addresses this area of approaching these same 4 women in order to make them aware of her disorder in hopes of helping her.  What's your take on this, if your ex's family and friends were on this same page of not enabling her?  Would you see it as being worth the risk to approach?
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« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2015, 05:48:54 PM »

EaglesJuju: This is quite insightful stuff!  I still don't understand why anyone like him would want to be around you then, if you are causing him such a negative reaction?  I'm curious what would have caused him to shift towards communicating with you better from 2 months ago?  Also, is there anything that you are doing to trigger his devaluation/splitting of you? 

Technically he is not around me. There are thousands of miles of distance in between us. He is in therapy and is learning to regulate his emotions, so communication has gotten better.

He told me that he "fights the negative emotions associated with me because, he loves me." He will tolerate the negative emotions when he is not dysregulating.  When he is dysregulating, he will push me away and project.

My own issues do trigger him. I have DPD/codependency and my own abandonment fears. I tend to pull or get close when I feel "abandoned."  Sometimes, it overwhelms him and he will lash out.  Other times, he can be supportive and validate me.   
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« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2015, 07:36:00 PM »

Thank you for clarifying, EaglesJuju.  Sounds like quite the complicated relationship dynamics involved.  Hopefully you both can progress forwards.
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« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2015, 12:28:54 AM »

For sure, JRT.  Yeah, I think we can all have our moments of fluctuating ups and downs from time to time.  It's definitely a journey of sorts... .  I think there needs to be a balance on how much we "stop in" to these message boards and other information gathering, lest we become consumed by being pulled deeper into the emotional abyss of BPD.

I can totally relate to what you mentioned about your family and friends murdering you if you had of done anything like this to her.  For me personally, I would not really be able to live with myself, let alone look myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth.  Then there would be my family and friends who would be holding me accountable and correcting me for my mistreatment towards her.  I'm not sure how people who mistreat others, like we have been mistreated, can go on living their lives the way they appear to. 

You're bang on about your ex's family and friends enabling her BIG time.  This is where the odds are stacked against you too.  I believe that my ex-girlfriend's sister-in-law and 3 closest girlfriends are different with not being enablers, but I am not certain.  My other discussion post on here entitled "From Darkness to Light", addresses this area of approaching these same 4 women in order to make them aware of her disorder in hopes of helping her.  What's your take on this, if your ex's family and friends were on this same page of not enabling her?  Would you see it as being worth the risk to approach?

Sure I would approach, but remember they MADE her. Not only that, her siblings are all cast from the same mold so they are seeing what she is doing, likely, as acceptable... .perhaps even logical! Or not, who knows. At the same time, God only knows what she is using to paint me black... .I'm a drug deal, bank robber, child molester... .I can only imagine. But she is likely saying what she need to in order to compel them to join her in their contempt for me. On an earlier recycle she was so embarrassed about what she told them last time that she plain didn't even respond to me when I asked her directly. Her son referred to me to a mutual friend as a 'psycho'. I had fun laughing about that but it gave me a hint about how she is painting me.

This is her fourth serious relationship. THIS time, her family and friends saw me in action and were elated that she found someone that THEY observed to be a good man on many fronts and compatible with her. I hope that they have the good sense to call her out on her pattern (1 time is a mulligan... .two times raises and eyebrow... .three times and you wonder aloud... .four times? They MUST realize that its her!).
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« Reply #22 on: January 19, 2015, 12:20:23 PM »

JRT, the more you share of your particular details of your ex the more it sounds like a no-win kind of situation for you on many fronts.  Mine has not shown herself to be anywhere near as extreme as yours or others have been.  I'm sure if you were dealing with my situation you would take the risk to approach her family and friends with a letter to make aware.  Any "normal" family and friends should be able to clearly see through the gaping cracks and holes that your ex is displaying.  :)enial tends to be the name of the game for many of these BPD people and their family/friends.  The problem seems to keep coming back to enablers enabling the BPD behaviour to continue on.
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« Reply #23 on: January 19, 2015, 01:03:39 PM »

It sure seems like a no win... .I think that in my case, any hope for salvation for her is to let her own lifes forces do the natural thing... .I know thatt she is seeing a therapist so she knows that SOMETHING is wrong (she would insist that she needed to 'see someone' each and every time we recycled but it never happened) but I am thinking that her stated purpose to the T is to undo damage that I have done to her, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). It will be a while before he even get to BPD if he is any good.

In your case, I recall a strong caution regarding approaching you BPD SO and point out your suspicions. I would imagine that this extends itself to family and friends as well... .it could backfire on you. Might be a good idea to start a thread on it and see if anyone else had any experiences that might guide you to a decision that is right for you and your situation.  It couldn't hurt... .
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« Reply #24 on: January 19, 2015, 08:34:35 PM »

JRT, I know where you are coming from on this.  It's a good sign that your ex is seeing a therapist.  Hopefully it's not all about you being "the problem" in the relationship though.  I don't have that much confidence in general with councillors/therapists/psychologists being able to tap in to diagnose someone as having BPD.  From what I understand most BPD people are undiagnosed and there is a reason for this.  I believe it's because they are not able to identify to themselves what they are struggling with, let alone inform someone else of their disorder in order to get the help that they so desperately need.  This is why I strongly believe that notifying close family/friends that could be supportive and encourage the BPD person to get help is important, when all other avenues have failed.  There is a chance that this could backfire on me and that is the risk to succeeding.  However, to passively wait and do nothing does not seem like a good alternative to obtain successful breakthrough results.  It actually can be seen as another form of enabling by being muzzled into silence.  Fear is no way to approach BPD.  There is something to be said about empowering oneself to be proactive in action rather than just allow a BPD person be in total control with their tornado affect damages to destroy peoples lives.  I did start a thread on it entitled "From Darkness To Light".  Check it out.     
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« Reply #25 on: January 19, 2015, 09:59:49 PM »

I see your point... .I am also one to not take anything lying down and would risk the chance if I was confident it would work... .I wish you success with this... .let us know how it works out.
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« Reply #26 on: January 19, 2015, 10:16:30 PM »

Thanks so much, JRT.  You don't strike me as being a guy who would "take anything lying down".  Your situation is similar yet different than mine.  Any confidence that I have in this area is not all knowing, which is why it is a risk.  Her close family and friends should see my strength and quality of character in the letter addressed to them.  My hope and prayer is that they will hear me out, weigh it out, and respond according to how they are lead.
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« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2015, 10:38:05 PM »

The overwhelming majority of the forum posts (along with our family and friends) advocate that they have done us some favor by their flight. Maybe. I mean, it IS a sickness and it is VERY difficult to deal with. But mine was absent of the constant quarreling that it seems is almost the very definition of the BPD relationship. Where I can see why they would want to as that is pure daily pain.

Mine was just not like that. I was VERY happy in mine and KNEW that this was the right one for me. Did you feel about yours that this was REALLY who I am meant to be with forever? Granted, she had some things that really needed to be addressed AND spontaneously sabotaging a relationship and then disappearing for months at a time can really damage a romance, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  But I see something inherently good and compatible in her... .that there IS a chance... .she is NOT that bad off that she could not function with me on a day to day, all was good even to her own free admission. That is what is making this so G-dammed difficult for me.

For a while there, I thought to go after her but it ended up backfiring. Now I have zero cards to play and a waning will to even hold out (even though I realize that it would be easier for me and one me to just go find someone else).

Is this your challenge as well? 
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« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2015, 11:39:24 PM »

JRT, although I know what the majority of the forum posts advocate about them doing us a favor by their flight, I have not embraced this for my particular situation.  Mine was absent of any "real quarreling" too.  We had some very minor disagreements/arguments, but nothing really much to speak of. 

From what you have shared, it does appear that you have zero cards to play.  This must be extremely frustrating to feel as though your hands are tied from being able to be proactive in some manner.

As for your question, yes, I continue to believe that mine is really who I am meant to be with forever.  I can relate to you, as I see something inherently good and completely compatible in mine, that keeps me from closing the door and walking away on her.  I have women flirting and showing interest in me all of the time, but I have no interest or desire to be with any other woman other than this one with BPD traits who has broken up with me.  This is not about the chase for me either.  Which speaks volumes to me about how much I value her and our relationship together.  I am normally an extremely logical guy, as you appear to be, so I grapple to make sense of the senselessness of it all.

Sometimes I wonder if I was/am somehow disillusioned, deluded, duped, or all 3.  This could be a topic title for another thread... .

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« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2015, 11:49:00 PM »

Brother, I could have very easily write that post, I also relate. Don't know if you are a religious man (I tend to keep my faith to myself) but I am one of the last few that says something like 'I do' and means it and all the conditions that came with it (like in sickness and in health). Some people don't know a good thing if it comes and bites them on the nose... .but I do. I have been around the block a few times enough to know. I'll tell you; where when most people talk to God, its for a favor small or large. I changed that when we were together to thanking Him for her and my other blessings... .I REALLY felt that.

Its funny, after a few years of a rough patch in my life, things were really looking up. Not just an improvement, but radically. And things still are... .except this. If it never happned back in September, I would be the luckiest guy in the world right now.

Curious what you thin of me catching her stalking me on FB?
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