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Author Topic: From Darkness Into Light  (Read 524 times)
Restored2
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« on: January 16, 2015, 12:05:35 AM »

The whole concept of covering up in silence by being muzzled for a loved one with borderline personality disorder that is an ex-relationship by keeping it a secret, is enabling the disorder to continue on.  I personally believe that this disorder needs to be brought from darkness into the light in order for it to be properly dealt with.  None of us can speak into others lives if we do not know what issues someone is dealing with.  People with BPD can only get help and support from their close loved ones (family and friends) if they are made aware of the issues. 

This is where a carefully constructed letter could be beneficial.  The purpose of this correspondence would be to share some personal insights in hopes of sincerely helping an ex-relationship person with BPD through their healing process.  It should not be to try to complicate matters in any manner whatsoever.  Nor should it be an attempt to try to make oneself look better, as no one is perfect.  There should be no malice or intent to harm and it should not be a smear campaign against the ex-relationship person with BPD. 

Regardless of whether or not I am in my ex-girlfriends life, I only want the best for her, as I greatly care for her and I love her dearly.  All I ask is that her loved ones hear me out, weigh it out, and respond according to how they are lead.  I would do the exact same with contacting close loved ones (family/friends) if someone I knew or was close to had an addiction, such as to drugs, alcohol or gambling.  However, just like an addiction, BPD likes to be kept hidden.  This is where it thrives.  The lives of others is negatively affected as a result of unhealed hurts and wounds holding a BPD person back from being able to live out healthy relationships to their fullest.  Just as loved ones feel the impact of an addiction robs them of experiencing a full healthy relationship with that person, so do non-BPD people feel robbed as a result of their BPD persons unhealed disorder. 

Something to think about... .

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waverider
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« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2015, 03:41:00 AM »

The whole concept of covering up in silence by being muzzled for a loved one with borderline personality disorder that is an ex-relationship by keeping it a secret, is enabling the disorder to continue on.  I personally believe that this disorder needs to be brought from darkness into the light in order for it to be properly dealt with.  None of us can speak into others lives if we do not know what issues someone is dealing with.  People with BPD can only get help and support from their close loved ones (family and friends) if they are made aware of the issues. 

This is where a carefully constructed letter could be beneficial.  The purpose of this correspondence would be to share some personal insights in hopes of sincerely helping an ex-relationship person with BPD through their healing process.  It should not be to try to complicate matters in any manner whatsoever.  Nor should it be an attempt to try to make oneself look better, as no one is perfect.  There should be no malice or intent to harm and it should not be a smear campaign against the ex-relationship person with BPD. 

Regardless of whether or not I am in my ex-girlfriends life, I only want the best for her, as I greatly care for her and I love her dearly.  All I ask is that her loved ones hear me out, weigh it out, and respond according to how they are lead.  I would do the exact same with contacting close loved ones (family/friends) if someone I knew or was close to had an addiction, such as to drugs, alcohol or gambling.  However, just like an addiction, BPD likes to be kept hidden.  This is where it thrives.  The lives of others is negatively affected as a result of unhealed hurts and wounds holding a BPD person back from being able to live out healthy relationships to their fullest.  Just as loved ones feel the impact of an addiction robs them of experiencing a full healthy relationship with that person, so do non-BPD people feel robbed as a result of their BPD persons unhealed disorder. 

Something to think about... .

BPD is hard to understand, unless someone is adversely affected by it and actively seeking to understand it any talk of it will fall on deaf ears. The pwBPD will perceive it as an attack and rally others against you as need be.

Family members will be aware of something being off, if they could have or were willing to do anything they would have, or they will have given up and its old news. They may even perceive as an attack on blood kin. Disorder of one sort or another maybe their issue too and you could trigger this

In short it usually gets you nowhere.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2015, 07:25:36 AM »



The family is part of it. The pwBPD grew up in a family system that helped foster it in a way. They may also have strong denial. Also, if you are the ex, your SO may have already painted you "black" in their eyes.

I can't even imagine a discussion about my relationship issues with my H's family. Their family culture is to not talk about anything and just act it out in other ways.

I couldn't even say something about my mom who has BPD in my family. Dad would punish me. Also, mom has painted me "black" to some of her relatives. It would put them in the position of having to choose which one of us to believe. This is not a game I wish to be part of.

However, it puts me in a bind as to be dishonest and play the "she is normal game". I did this for years as a kid, and I won't do it anymore. So, if they ask me, I will tell them the truth, which I have done, and I don't think it goes over well with them. Still, I speak the truth for me, not them.

If your ex's family contacts you, then you have the opportunity to speak the truth.

She's your ex? Then her issues, and her family issues, are theirs to solve, not yours. IMHO, if I am in a relationship with a person with BPD, and the child of one, then I have enough issues of my own to examine, not theirs, and I would rather write that letter to me- how can I become a more balanced and healthier person? What does this relationship teach me about me?
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2015, 07:48:27 AM »

I called my ex out on facebook when I learned that instead of leaving me for her independence and to find her own identity as she had claimed, she immediately flew across country to Seattle to get back together with her ex from 6 years ago. Obviously shocking friends. I did also say that I did think this was a disorder and that help would be given if asked for. Her family also realized when this happened, that she did not just break off our engagement due to bridal cold feet, but when she immediately ran, without telling them, from her stay with a friend near them in Fort Myers to Seattle to be with the now no longer ex, who they hate, that something was very wrong. I told them I could make one promise, that all our friends would be supportive, that they understood, that she could return without stigma or shame, if it happened relatively soon. I made clear to my friends who were cursing her that they should cut that out, as you wouldn't curse an anorexic. But yeah, she flat out declared it an attack. It did however rally the troops so to speak. I took the post down after 12 hours, but it got everything out there. Not only that, it got friends with BPD to come forward and talk to me about what the experience was and how to get over it or handle it.
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Restored2
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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2015, 12:42:35 PM »

Thank you for your responses and insights, Waverider, Notwendy and Heldfast.

Waverider: I hear where you are coming from, but I struggle to accept.  My ex-girlfriend is extremely high functioning and would not be easily identified as having BPD.  As such, I am certain that her family and friends are not aware of her disorder at all.  Being held back by fear to not reveal the truth is sure to go nowhere.

Notwendy: I can see where her family would be a part of it with helping foster the BPD.  Her sister-in-law is the one in the family that I have most hope in, as my ex-girlfriend respects her voice and will listen to her.  I also have hope with her 3 closest girlfriends, as she has given them permission to speak into her life and they are all accountable to each other.  All four of these women are not blood related family, which is even better.  I can appreciate the compromised position that you are in amidst your difficult family dynamics, which is quite an unfortunate squeeze play for you.  I don't want to play the "she is normal game" either, with acting like this is a normal scenario for a breakup, because it ain't.  I recognize that I've got stuff that needs to be worked on for me too.  Although she is an ex-girlfriend, I still care for her and love her enough to do what is necessary for her to get the help that she needs to break this disorder.  Even if that means taking the risk to be the fall guy for her and be painted more black.

Heldfast: What a horrible nightmare of an experience you have been dragged through.  I understand your position, pain and frustration with everything.  Your protectiveness and supportiveness towards your ex-fiance is honorable.  However, I don't think that facebook is the best of forums to post such a delicate matter.  A private letter to select people would be better.  Maybe "rallying the troops" isn't such a bad thing.  It's great that it stirred up BPD friends to come forward to openly talk about their disorder.  I firmly believe in the Bible scripture in John 8:32 that states "and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free".  This concealing on behalf of the BPD person is only covering up the truth. 

   
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waverider
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« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2015, 05:39:36 PM »

Who is affected by her BPD, where does it show itself. If there are visible symptoms to anyone else then it will have no context to anyone else.

How is it adversely affecting her life, if she is feeling no impact she will not acknowledge it, let alone do anything to change.

High functioning pwBPD and or NPD are very difficult to get to accept or change anything as they can just bully their way through life efficiently denying responsibility for any issues.

It is even harder for anyone else to influence a high functioning pwBPd as they dont seek help or councel, often seeing others the ones who need "help'
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takingandsending
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« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2015, 05:57:38 PM »

Restored,

I have struggled with this question in relation to my uBPDw. Recently, her mom contacted my wife in an attempt to reach out and address the emotional distance between them. This resulted in my wife feeling attacked, threatened and led her to a counseling session in which she concluded that calling her mom Mrs. X would help relieve her sense of obligation to be a daughter. My wife calls her mom a narcissist. It's possible. It's possible that this is her own BPD using nuggets of truth to paint those close to her black.

I considered contacting my mother in law to let her know of her daughter's illness, but in the end, much like waverider suggests, I don't have much confidence that the knowledge of the illness will cause my wife or her mother to accept or change anything. What I found with discussions within my own FOO is that it's most effective to share the communication tools with them, not so much the diagnosis or talk about the mental illness. I recommend support groups and friends and this forum for that.

As an aside, I did subtly try to talk about BPD with my wife, when we discussed a friend of ours whose husband is BPD and in a recycle with our friend. She equates his behaviors with our S9's unpredictable outbursts of anger, which I mentioned might be BPD. She was interested, but my hunch is she won't explore and will not self-recognize. Not out of bad intention. Simply because it is painful to embrace. Hope this helps.
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Restored2
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« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2015, 12:04:39 AM »

Thank you waverider and takingandsending for your responses and challenging insights.

waverider: My BPD ex-girlfriend is a single mother of 5 children that live at home with her.  Her BPD must affect her children by showing itself in various manners.  I definitely believe that there is no other closer connection than a romantic relationship to bring out and surface the BPD in someone.  It is adversely affecting her life in the area of romantic relationships, as she wants to be in a healthy relationship leading towards marriage.  She does acknowledge that she is very wounded from being previously abused, resulting in her attending some counselling and a retreat program for previously abused women.  One of her close girlfriends suggested that she attend the retreat program, so something has been identified as being a problem.  This is very encouraging for relationship restoration/reconciliation, as there is a need for change identified.  The problem is that I have little faith in these well meaning efforts through counselling and programs, without BPD being identified as being a major issue.  Nothing can be fixed without identifying what the problem is. 

takingandsending: I understand your position.  An ex-relationship is approached differently than a current relationship though, which is where you are with your wife.  There are no guarantees in any of this.  I just fail to see how hiding a disorder and being muzzled is a solution for any relationship, whether that be an ex-relationship or current relationship. 
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flowerpath
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« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2015, 01:27:58 AM »

Restored2, I understand where you are coming from. 

I kept my high-functioning uBPDh’s behaviors secret from his family for a very long time.  When I did tell them about the behaviors, they rushed to his defense.  They don’t live here.  They don’t see it.  It doesn’t affect them.

Then when I discovered that his behaviors line up with traits of BPD, I wrote a well-constructed letter.  I wanted them to know that there is something really wrong, I thought it was very important that they should know, and I thought they might be able to help; however, in the process of studying the lessons and threads here on BPD Family, and thinking back on their responses when I went to them for help before, I realized that it would probably go nowhere and could likely make things even worse.   I deleted that well thought out letter that took me forever to write.

I am also a firm believer in the words of John 8:32.  I talked with one of my h’s other relatives who I am close to, who is a firm believer too, and who I thought would listen and understand, but she flat denied that it could be BPD and scolded me for thinking so! 

As for my h, when he told me about a situation with a co-worker in which he was highly offended by something very simple that no one else (except a pwBPD) would think twice about, it was the perfect time to suggest that he talk with a counselor about it.  He bolted from the room. 

While the truth can set you free indeed, unfortunately, some people are not receptive to the truth.  That doesn’t mean it will be the case for your former girlfriend’s family, but what I have experienced here falls right in line with what seems to be the norm for families of pwBPD. 

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Restored2
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« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2015, 02:10:40 AM »

Thank you for your response and for sharing your personal relationship experience, flowerpath.  It's good to connect with other believers on here.

My BPD ex-girlfriend's sister-in-law is the one in the family that I have most hope in, as my former girlfriend respects her voice and will listen to her.  My greater hope is with her 3 closest girlfriends, as she has given them permission to speak into her life and they are all accountable to each other.  All four of these women are not blood related family either, which is even better.

It's unfortunate to hear that you experienced some backfiring from your approach to family members.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no perfect recipe to guarantee anything with a BPD, as it's hard to predict how they will respond.  Having said that, it really boils down to either doing something or nothing.  Nothing doesn't work for me and my well being.  Any action that I have taken here has overall not been regretted by me.  This has included one very brief phone call to her and some heartfelt letters, letting her know that the door remains open on my end, with me not abandoning either her or our friendship.  Doing nothing seems to cater more to the BPD person, with everyone elses feelings being pushed to the back burner.  At minimal, doing something is more empowering for me than doing nothing.
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flowerpath
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« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2015, 12:57:39 PM »

My BPD ex-girlfriend's sister-in-law is the one in the family that I have most hope in... .not blood related family either, which is even better.

My h's sister-in-law is the person I had the most hope in too... .the one who I thought would be objective…and it was her response that made me finally see that discussing this with his side of the family is futile.

You are right about how doing something is more empowering than doing nothing.  I learned from all of the resources here that the something that I needed to do was totally different from how I had coped with this before, and different from the typical way that a person who knows nothing about BPD would respond.  The person who has been set free by knowing the truth is me.  PTL, I have seen the light!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I found that rather than relying on someone else who is not impacted by h’s behavior and who knows little to nothing about BPD to try to convince him and move him in the right direction, it’s more empowering for me to learn about this disorder myself, and to respond in ways that protect me and our children from it.  We are the ones who are most affected by it. 

You’ve done what you can do to let your former girlfriend know that you care about her and that you want to remain a friend, so the ball is in her court.  Everybody is different, miracles happen, and it’s possible that she and her family and friends will see the light, but the pattern of BPD traits is evident, and you can see how the lives of those of us who post here are so similar.  No matter what, it’s important for you to learn as much as you can about this and protect yourself from it because there ain’t no doubt…BPD can wreak havoc in your life.

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« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2015, 06:38:34 PM »

When my uBPDw started making comments to the effect that she was "no longer hiding the truth" about me from people outside our home, I started discreetly asking around among friends and family about what behavior they had noticed.  I can't speak for everyone's situation, but in my family and circle of friends, my wife is hiding nothing from anyone.  They may not have a name for it, but they are well aware of the behaviors and that something is very wrong with her.  Other than my parents and my grown children, I have told no one the details, but they don't need them.  They have the situation figured out, have had it figured out for a long time, and have been wondering if I was the one who couldn't see what was going on.

IMO, I don't know that a letter or a lot of detailed information is always necessary.  Just enough to let certain others know that you know there is a problem, and see what kind of feedback you get.  If there is someone with whom your SO has great difficulties or a lot of r/s issues, that might be a person to take more into your confidence, if you think they are willing to listen and accept what you say.

After a few conversations I stopped worrying about it.  My wife is doing a much better job than I am of announcing to the world she has a personality disorder.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2015, 10:30:53 PM »

flowerpath: Thank you for your sensitivity, words of encouragement and caution to me.  It's quite unfortunate that your sister-in-law dropped the ball for you when you presented the concerns of your husbands disorder to her.  It is great to hear that you have "seen the light" for your own circumstances though.  Praise the Lord for that!  I think it is a much different position in how one approaches the delicate issue of BPD, when one is still in the relationship rather than when one separated from the relationship, as is my case.  Interesting that you mentioned "miracles happen", as I do have faith for miracles to happen with my relationship being restored to reconciliation.

jedimaster: My BPD relationship situation is completely different than yours.  My ex-girlfriend is extremely high functioning and not easily detected of having a disorder of any sort whatsoever.  I truly believe that it really takes a close romantic relationship to bring all of the hidden gunk to the surface for her.  This is where the fears of intimacy (closeness) are triggered to the maximum.
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