new and lost

[Divinedime]

I just joined this site within the hour but I've spent all morning completely engrossed in these threads and articles. I knew there would be similarities, I didn't think one of the first few things I'd click would describe my relationship to a t.

I really need help.

I've been living with my partner for about three years now, she is in denial about her BPD however is fully aware she is mentally unstable despite her diagnosis. She refuses any therapy or treatment.

As I was just informed is the norm, we started out prettier than a storybook fairytale. I mean if there's a higher power I must've done something so terrible in a past life to deserve such a terrible nightmare packaged as the most lovely gift. I am very much still madly in love with her despite the harm she's caused to me.

We are a lesbian couple. Low-income. Little to no friendships so not much support. No one knows we're having issues. She's significantly older than I am. I am quite young and completely inexperienced in long-term dating and I am not free of mental disorders myself. I don't know what I have, or if the symptoms I'm experiencing are only because of my environment. She comes from a upbringing that was very supportive of her sexuality and mental disorders, I come from a home that was violently disapproving of both. I am currently NOT trying to leave my partner with BPD and seasonal affective disorder however she is just about pushing me out the front door. I can't support myself financially and recently lost my best friend to suicide so my mind is in a bad place.

Anyone with any advice, or just a response to know someone is listening is very appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, my, Divinedime 

I'm so very sorry for the tragedy of losing your best friend to suicide recently, and the troubles you are dealing with in regard to your partner. It's not easy when you feel alone--or even pushed out--by your significant other, and then don't have your best friend or family as a support system. Do you have anyone at all that you can talk to? Do you by any chance have a Counselor available, Clergy, anyone?

As you go along reading on this site, make sure you check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, and also the Feature Articles linked to under the photos at the top of this Board's Main Page. I'm very glad you found us, and know that we can give you the support and information you are looking for to help make things better... .

We are listening, Divinedime 

[Divinedime]

I don't have health insurance and I am very low on income, I don't really know my options for talking to people outside of seeking religious help and I'm not religious in the slightest.

Thank you for the support, I've been doing as much reading as my brain will allow for. I sent my pwBPD a very long message yesterday accepting no apologies and setting boundaries for the way she speaks to me and treats me, so far the response has been positive but there has been one small fight since then over me asking if her hair was any different. She got very defensive insisting she didn't change her hair (I wasn't arguing, just asking). I think she took it as me trying to say I didn't like her hair.  In my message to her I agreed to work actively towards positive change despite how it may make me feel,if she would agree to do the same and she did agree as well. Hopefully her agreement will hold up.

I'm pretty scared to tell anyone about our problems. The stigma against mental instability and homosexuality is bad enough without combining them. If she found out I was speaking ill of her, she would leave in an instant I'm certain.

I'm having a few issues with communication with her. I have to be very excruciatingly careful to not use the wrong tones or words when speaking to her. She often ignores me or interrupts me to speak over me, I would really like some tips on how to help lessen this.

I'm just going to name off some issues we have;

I am not allowed to cry in front of her, she violently rejects vulnerability from me and within herself. This is another behavior I find unhealthy.

I also have noticed a lot of false promises and "sorry"s. After an argument with her, it's normal for her to feel bad and apologize. She usually then makes a promise to make it up to me, whether it be a dinner date or whatever. Never sees these through.

If I don't have set chores done when she gets home from work, an immediate flight is inevitable. This is daily. She is very controlling of our home environment and although we both work, she feels that she works harder so I have to do more housework. I wouldn't disagree with this, but she seems to only split responsibilities by percentage when it's beneficial to her; for instance, I still pay 50% rent even though she makes around double what I make.

I don't know why this is, but most of her anger comes from money issues. She works full time and I work part time and also from home. We are considered low income but she has plenty of money and our livelihood is in no way at risk due to finances, yet she always brings up how she's supposedly supporting me. I do not believe she's supporting me. She used to,but it's been a long time. I don't know how to resolve this.

I also have been asking her for help finding help for my mental state and she's denied me help. She won't talk with me about anything and she won't allow me to take medication, "even if I could afford it".

We have a young puppy that she insisted she wanted that is another stressor. As the primary home body, I'm taking care of her most of the time. My pwBPD is often unhappy with how I raise our puppy, even though I do so perfectly normally. She finds very small inconsistencies that the dog wouldn't even notice and treats it like neglect. Our puppy is healthy, happy, well trained and spoiled, even.

She finds it okay to go through my phone and belongings but becomes very offended and defensive when I even inquire about hers.

I don't believe there's any cheating going on, but she liked to tell me that there's no use looking for clues bc if she wanted to cheat she would be able to hide it from me effortlessly. I found her saying this both insulting to my intelligence and also rude. She does like to hide conversations and not delete girls from her past that are clearly still interested in her off social media despite my doing so for her and me expressing my discomfort with these things.

Small accidents get very blown out of proportion. For instance, one time I burnt sauce on the bottom of a pan while cooking her dinner. The argument went directly from that to me not caring about our belongings and not being grateful of her "supporting" me. Two days ago I brought her some peppermint bark and a milkshake home from work as a gift, and she threw the milkshake out immediately because it didn't taste "right". I made it myself. Whether she liked it or not was irrelevant, she seems to expect a lot of praise and give none in return.

Are these things all common among pwBPD?