Looking for answers

[BrooksD]

 Hi everyone. I stumbled upon this website in my quest for answers on my current relationship. It's been almost a year and a half, and at this point I'm kind of at a low point. My previous relationship before this was 4.5 years and eventually fell apart due to my exes drug abuse. This current relationship was a breath of fresh air because it was easy at first and she was bubbly and loving and compassionate.

However, trouble really started after the first 6 months. We broke up 3 months ago because she cheated on me then left me, and 2 months ago she showed up at my door begging for forgiveness promising it would be different this time. I took her back, and the first 3 weeks it felt like I got back the girl that I had fallen in love with.

5 weeks ago she slowly started to slip into her old ways. I'm unable to say anything I feel- any negative emotion is shunned and not even acknowledged. Every day it's like a coin toss whether I'm going to get the energetic happy girl I loved, or a dark critical depressed person. She blames family issues as her main stressor, and although Ive been extremely supportive and been paying her bills when she misses work, I know it's not the family that's causing her to react this way to me.

I've seen her sink into this dark mood in the past too. She always says that she's cursed and that she's never allowed to be happy. She says that she can never express her emotion without being punished, and that she can't trust anyone or she will only be hurt. I find the latter to be disturbing as she relates it to me, and she is the one that cheated on me. For the first two weeks we were back together we discussed what she had done to me a lot, but then I decided I didn't want her to feel like I was holding it over her head any longer and I decided since I made the decisions to take her back that I would stop bringing up the past. She also constantly states that she can't "be everyone's god" and that people expect her to be able to "be everywhere and do everything" for them.

The serious issues with her that scare me are as follows- except for when she begged for me to take her back, she has never once said she's sorry for anything or admitted fault in anything. When I caught her cheating, she said she had to because I scared her. That hurt more than anything because I see it as very important that a boyfriend makes his girlfriend feel safe and protected. A few nights ago she randomly told me I am selfish and only care about myself and "winning". I was blown away, especially when I've been sacrificing food and late on some bills just to pay every bill of hers for the last couple months. I don't want to sound self righteous and I definitely have my faults, but selfish is one thing no one would describe me as. I fired back at her to which she said that I make her feel horrible when she doesn't have time to call due to her family. At this point I was beyond shocked because I've been so careful to not pressure her, and my general response is "no worries, call whenever you can." I told her I've never guilted her or even asked why, and for the rest of the disagreement she would say in one form or another that "this is what I get when I try to share something with you" and "from now on I'll just keep everything inside. You said you wanted to know when I had an issue but I should of known that was a lie." I told her I wasn't letting her play victim after she randomly personally attacked me and she said "it wasn't meant in a mean way, it was your choice to take it that way and attack me". So now after she called me selfish etc, she's the victim still. She never once acknowledged what she said about me except one time to say it was my choice to take it as mean. When she does something even conceivably wrong, she stone walls any mention of it and refuses to acknowledge she even said it.

Mind you, I've never called her a name, hit her(or any girl), and I don't threaten to not pay her bills even when she gets like that. I don't want her to ever have the sense that she could ever piss me off enough that I would withdraw moral or financial support. I don't want her to ever feel like she needs to talk a certain way or not speak her mind out of fear of losing something. The following day we talked for a few minutes, I asked her to elaborate on how I make her feel horrible when she is busy, and she said "you always ask me why why why why what are you doing why can't you call" I told her that is not true and I have never questioned her and that i could screen capture all of the times I've asked if she had time to call since Christmas and email them to her. After we hung up I actually did go through all of our texts. I wasn't doing this to "win", I was legitimately trying to show her that I have not been doing what she is accusing me of. I barely heard from her in 2 days now since I sent her the screen captures showing that what she was accusing me of was not true.

Prior to this a couple weeks ago she told me to call her at 5pm, I did and she didn't answer so I texted and asked if she was busy and if not if I could try calling again. She blew up on me and called me and said that I expect to be able to call her every single day and shouldn't of texted her because I should of known she was busy. She asked if she has to spell everything out for me, as if I'm dumb or something because I didn't assume she was too busy to talk on the phone. Again, I hadnt even attempted to call her in 5 days. It's getting old defending myself against things I never said or did and trying to prove my innocence.

I don't bring up issues I have, because it falls on deaf ears and she either doesn't acknowledge what I said or it becomes a huge fight. Every fight we have, she states it is the "same thing we fought about last time," regardless of whether thats a true statement. And that she is tired of repeating herself, whether or not we actually had the same issue prior, She constantly says that I "just don't understand" what she's going through. I see her a few hours a week, and we generally talk twice a week on the phone for twenty-ish minutes a piece. I told her multiple times that I underetand she has a lot of family stuff going on and that family comes first and to not worry about feeling like she has to call me or anything.

When we got back together two months ago, she swore she wouldn't hold every fight over my head for days, ignore me or get hooked on Benadryl again. She said she knew she had serious issues and needed therapy. She has since left therapy even though she was in therapy when we got back together, and is hooked on Benadryl again. Dephynhydramine, the drug in Benadryl, may sound mild to everyone. But when taken in the dosages she takes in a daily basis it is far from mild. At this point it affects her memory, her thinking, her rational thought, etc. I'm talking 500+ mg a night. For years now. I never thought it was a serious drug and normally it isn't. If I had known she had a drug issue also, I never would of gotten attached after what I went through with my ex and destroying myself financially for my exes addiction.

My current girlfriend makes countless promises. She has never kept one. When I've asked her in the past, she said she couldn't keep the promise because of such and such and that it wasn't her fault. She says that I am controlling, and yes when I fear she is breaking up with me I blow her phone up with texts and I know that is annoying but I've never questioned her or even asked where she was or why she couldn't answer. I feel as though if someone is cheating, you will catch them faster by not questioning because if you question they become more careful.

She deflects anything negative. Nothi is ever her fault. I'm constantly watching what I say and phrasing things certain ways to make sure she can't twist what I say into something negative. She flipped on me one night because I asked what she was up to that day. Trying to make conversation with my girlfriend, but she turned it into me being "controlling", so now I'm careful on how I phrase it when I ask her how her day was.

A week and a half ago, she told me she's ready for a baby with me anytime. After our fight, I pretty much haven't heard from her and she refuses to say I Love You even. When we got back together, I brought up that she used to refuse to say I Love You any time we fought, and she admitted that was cruel and she would never do it again, but here we are.

She makes me feel horrible. The last three days I've literally laid in bed and balled my eyes out all day. I know that sounds wimpy, especially since most people I know would swear I've never even cried. I don't want to sound like a tough guy, cause I'm not. But I'm generally a VERY blunt, bold person. I stand up for myself. But with her, standing up for myself or stating any issue I have would equal pushing her away further. Anything I say is twisted into controlling or questioning or pushy. Last week, she told me our relationship was perfect. This week, she said she needs "time" to recover from what I did to her a few days ago when she attacked me. I feel like a monster and a horrible person that hurt this girl. I've let a couple female friends read the text conversation and they've all said that I did absolutely nothing wrong and that she is emotionally abusive and controlling. I didn't believe them until I started researching tonight and realized everything I said to my friends about watching everything I say to try and make it so my girlfriend can't twist it, one week I'm the greatest boyfriend ever and the next week I don't even hear from her, and her complete inability to ever even acknowledge she did anything wrong... .It's stuff that people who deal with a loved one with BPD say. I've never been anyone's victim but this is wearing on me and I've slipped back into a severe depression. I used to struggle with depression, but I got over it. It's back now though, and my girlfriend makes me feel like I am insane and there's something wrong with me.

I love my girlfriend and despite her addiction, personality disorder and refusal to get help, I want to be here for her. I don't want to leave her, I just don't know how to stay with her while still maintaining some sense of self worth and avoid conflict with her. It took a lot for me to be so laid back when she'd disappear all day after she had cheated on me last time. And then in the end to be told I've been guilting her this whole time... .And then when she is confronted with proof that I never guilted her she goes silent. It's like she has this alternate reality she lives in and if I challenge her reality she goes silent and withdraws. She always says that she does everything for her family, and that no one helps her. It confused me at first cause she's told me multiple times when her family bailed her out financially recently, but she always says soon after that she left to do everything on her own with no help. She doesn't even acknowledge that I help her unless I throw it out there.

Please, someone shed some light on how I can manage being with her and keeping my stress down. My biggest problem is when she makes everything into my fault I start to believe her and the guilt is overwhelming. I can't handle guilt, it eats me alive. I always feel like if I had just kept quiet longer, just not made an issue of something, or if I could of done something better we would not be fighting. Also, I need to learn how to help her. I know blowing up her phone with texts is a horrible idea but sometimes I don't know what else to do and all I want is answers about our relationship. I've only blown up her phone a couple times, but i feel bad later cause I know it's not helping her and it's only my way to maintain some hope because every time I text her "this" will be the one that makes her realize "I care that he's hurting so bad and now I'll respond because he matters to me". Of course, that never happens. I feel selfish afterwards then. She messaged me today and said she needs more time still(to heal from our fight where she accused me of being selfish). The other day she didn't reply all day and finally replied the next morning and said she had been working(I didn't ask what she was doing) and I said "you were off last night... ."[from work], to which she said "I was busy then fell asleep," to me that's just sketchy. I just said "oh okay" and continued on trying to act normal. I don't want to think she could be cheating again, but everyone is telling me they bet she is. Cheating, addicted to benadryl. And BPD... .Advice?

Thanks for reading.

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