He wants me to fight against his rejection?

[AnnaK]

It happened the second time. My uBPDbf keeps telling me not to come to India and even creates objective obstacles. He claims that he ended the rent agreement for the flat where I used to live.

Well, the first time I agreed with him that I should not come back yet when I was in India. He got so angry that he brought his "girlfriend" home.

Then I decided to ignore it and bought tickets. But he then said, he´s moving out of the flat. I was unhappy, but eventually decided, why would I make efforts to find another flat if he wants nothing to do with me. It's easier, and cheaper, and less stressful to stay in Spain.

Yesterday again we were chatting. He said - ":)on't come, I am moving out"

I was quite calm, after a good gym session.

So I said without thinking much: "Okay then, it really seems like it makes no sense to come."

Then he typed: "Can you stop?"

I typed : "What's going on, I repeat your words, and it makes you irritated?"

Then he blocked me.

Is it like he wants me to keep fighting against his rejection and to keep overcoming obstacles he creates? Like for example - to find another flat? And when I just agree, it goes against his real wishes?

But that makes no sense? who would do it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AnnaK]

It already happened once.

We lived together in Barcelona, and then he left for India (although it later turned out he could have stayed in Barcelona).

I decided it was over and cut contact, because it hurt me to maintain contact.

5 years later he asked me : "Why didn't you fight for me?"

What kind of a game is this?

[Grey Kitty]

One thing I can say about this sort of rejection.

A pwBPD will often escalate to threatening divorce/breakup very quickly. Then back down. And back and forth.

You have to figure out how much you believe it and what it means to you.

However, if you tell a pwBPD that you are ending it, this really changes the game for them, in a bad way.

It sure isn't fair. But it seems to be real.

[AnnaK]

Yeah... .mine is also jumping in and out pretty often.

Should we live in the same city, it would be just a problem of waiting out.

But the game has crossed the limits of sanity, when I took the ticket to India - and he claims he ended the rent contact for the flat where I used to live.

So I don't know if I should take the flight, because I might have no place to live.

On the other hand, my not coming would trigger his abandonment fears again blah blah.

But how can I come, if he willingly stopped paying the flat?

Deadlock.

I will call him next month to find out.

[patientandclear]

This depends on the dynamic with the particular person, but in some relationships, the fact that the pwBPD says he wants you to have fought for him, doesn't mean if you had, everything would have been hunky dory. It might have just presented another opportunity for him to eventually reject you, which may be the most satisfying part of the dynamic for some (those most anxious about keeping control).

[Grey Kitty]

It is hard to figure out how to interpret the mixed message.

I think it is better to decide what it means to you and how you feel about it than to wonder what he really means. It isn't likely to go away.

When would you fly to India with the ticket you bought?

[AnnaK]

The ticket is on 25th of February, but I have not decided yet if I will use it or not.

It just occurred to me that he could have spent the cash I gave him for paying rent, for other purposes - and maybe he does not want to confess, so he is creating "emotional" reasons why we can't live together (like: "I can't tolerate you" etc.)

If that's the case, I don't think i can pay 3 months of back rent and remain financially secure (without getting in debt etc.), so we are losing this flat and my trips get postponed - until I can pile up some money to pay the brokerage, deposit etc. to rent another flat.

If I guessed right, that seems to be the best way to deal with the situation. He can live with his parents, I can live in Spain. 

On the other hand, he recently got some money from his family (they paid for his car after he had an accident), so he seems to hope that his father will "take him back" again and pay all his expenses (he is active alcoholic and does not have a job). That happy family scenario probably won't last long, but while he is doing this reality check, I will have time to accumulate more resources - or to disengage and end this story.

[Grey Kitty]

So he is pretty much broke, an active alcoholic, and has no job... .and sounds unlikely to get one.

He could live off of your income.

He could live off his parents income.

He could bounce back and forth between the two, or some other combination.

Has this been the situation the whole time you've been with him?

[AnnaK]

He used to have a job until last spring, then he was fired for making drama.

But now he looks more like he is seriously looking for an enabler, me and his father being the first candidates.

Me, however, I feel very upset that he used up the money for what it was not intended for, so I will probably stay out of it unless smth changes. I cant afford maintaining a grown up man in India.

His family does not seem to be happy about it either, lets see for how long they will endure this time

Just as I m quite careful with my money, and never broke... .I think about the money reasons last thing. It surprises me that someone can be that childish that they are unable to pay rent. That's why i thought anything and everything except that he might be plain broke.

[AnnaK]

His father seems to hint that he is going to retire and does not have much money left.

Maybe if the father also stays out, my (ex?) bf will consider doing something to support himself. He claimed he had some small income from business, that was sufficient for food, but obviously not sufficient for fixing his car.

The flat i was paying bcz i needed the flat, but now I feel very resentful that he essentially cheated me out of 2-month rent. It's not a big amount, like 600 euros or such, but still, it was a cheat.

[Grey Kitty]

Would you go back to India and stay in his flat that he's paying rent on?

[AnnaK]

I would not mind, but he has no such flat.

It's a long story, and expensive, to find the flat like this in India. Most owners have prejustices to unmarried couples or male bachelors, and foreigners are only allowed to open short-term bank accounts.

He was doing flat search for 3 months in vain, until I took control of the issue. He was lying to brokers, to owners, looked combative, and nothing seemed to be "good enough" for him.

Eventually I had to take care of the issue FROM SPAIN, I had to find the english-speaking broker who agreed to communicate to me by gtalk, I had to monitor the situation talking to the broker by chat all the time (the broker kept seeing him as combative and disinterested, so if I did not intervene, he'd drop our case soon enough), I had to pay the brokerage and deposit.

Even so, all the year long, he kept reproaching me in finding "too expensive" flat and so on.  

So it was a long story, and I don't believe he'd be able to have a flat, even if I agree to pay another brokerage, another deposit and the rent (although subjecting him to more control that the rent actually goes to where it's supposed to go)

Money is... .not too essential, it can be accumulated over time. I live somewhat below my income. Yet currently the very process of flat-search makes me terrified, not to mention that he currently checked out of the whole story.

I suspect that he is avoiding questions about what happened with the rent money... .but I approximately know what happened. Just I thought that he'd find the money in some other way, when the time comes to pay rent... .although delaying rent was his regular habit, but eventually he used to manage to write the check. 

But I am still not sure if he is really broke - he did not confirm it, and I doubt he ever would. 

Currently we are not talking with him.

He still has some small income, and maybe his family was throwing him a piece from time to time.

I will just wait to see what is going to happen. Maybe the family also refuses to support him, so he'll be forced to find some income.

[AnnaK]

Would you go back to India and stay in his flat that he's paying rent on?

All in all, I am not totally getting this question. It looks like he just lived 2 months out of security deposit. So to keep this flat, we need to replenish the security deposit (2 months rent), plus to pay rent for February, and soon for March.

I doubt I will currently be able to afford this extra payment, and he is broke.

So this flat is as good as gone and I have no place to live in India, end of chapter.

Maybe if I tried harder, something could have been done, but given that he is currently hostile, I lack the motivation.

Besides, like the day after he spent my money on fixing his car, the very same day he took it out of workshop, he went to visit his "girlfriend" to boast with his car. While I am not climbing walls from jealousy, it seems to be a little perverse to me.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm trying to get at what matters to you about supporting yourself, and whether he supports himself.

I'm assuming that you have a flat of your own in Spain that you pay rent on year-round.

For a while, you paid for a flat in India that you let him live in when you were away, and you lived in with him while you were there. (Until he went back to live with his parents while you were there)

How do you feel about financially supporting this guy? Are you willing fully support him? (It is clear that you may not be able to do so again until your savings build up.) Are you willing to partially support him? Or would you rather be in a r/s with somebody who can support himself?

[AnnaK]

Well, I don't mind to partially support someone, although I can't support him fully.

Another question is that supporting him would be enabling his drinking, and it might kill him.

I don't feel like facilitating suicide.

[Grey Kitty]

How much supporting him fits with your values?

Is your relationship with him feeling too one-sided for you because of it?

[AnnaK]

No, it does not feel one-sided at all.

I am not sure why.

It's all complicated and messy, but I never had any feeling that it's one-sided.

---

Supporting him (or anyone) does not contradict my values, but it may contradict my financial capabilities.

No, supporting him does not matter for me in the sense that it would make it feel one-sided.

Let's say I consider it normal.

Anyway, I am not a good house-maker, so the position of house-wife is not for me.