Letter to Daughter of uBPDmom [from stepgf]

[Panda39]

Back story: SO's D18 went to an out of state private college on the promises by her mother that there was a "Family Trust" that would pay for it.  D18 really wanted to go there and chose to believe mom in spite of dad giving her the reality of the financial situation.  She wanted believe her mom because she really wanted to go and your mom wouldn't lie to you about something like this right?  Wrong,  mom didn't pay for the first semester D18 had student loans and grants that covered much of the tuition but has now been left holding the bag to the tune of $15,000 and because the school is unpaid they won't release her transcripts.

So she came home for Winter Break heard from school that she must pay or is not welcome back.  She is now left scrambling to get into a local state university that she can afford and keep moving forward with her education.  Meanwhile all of her belongings are still at the out of state college and she hasn't even begun thinking about getting that $15,000 paid off.

She and I have had a superficial kind of relationship because she has been enmeshed with her mother and I have not felt comfortable... .Okay I'll say it I have not trusted her because of her relationship to her mother.  It's not that I don't care about her, it's that I have been fearful of being hurt... .anyway just wanted you all to know where I'm coming from.

I've written her the letter below (sometimes it's easier for me to write than say things in person)

I am trying to be sensitive to her perspective I don't want to say things that will hurt her but I do think I can say somethings from my experience that she might find helpful and I don't want to be to "preachy".

Anyway let me know what you think?  I love tapping into the collective BPD brain you're all so darn smart 

Thank you.


Dear D18,

I've been waiting for the dust to settle before sending this.  I know you have been working your butt off getting things set up at Metro and your focus has been there and should be there right now.

However, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about what happened with "College out East" it's incredibly hard when we get the rug pulled out from under us and things don't go as planned.  Unfortunately, sometimes we just have to learn things the hard way (take it from me I learn everything the hard way!).  But I have found that those hard lessons teach us meaningful things, show us our strengths, can take us to new experiences that we might have missed and we grow in new ways.

Who knows you might meet the love of your life next year or have an extremely influential teacher or discover a beautiful part of "our state" because you're not in "eastern state".

From what your dad has told me I think you've shown a lot of determination and strength over the last few weeks. You have not buckled under disappointment or wallowed in self pity, you have taken action.  You are a tough cookie D18 (with a soft center I think  ) and I want to acknowledge your strength and perseverance you really can be proud of how you have handled yourself in this situation.  I want you to know too that it is okay to feel that disappointment, that sadness and mourn the loss of that "eastern college" dream you don't have to be "strong" all the time.

What I've really liked seeing and what you should be proud of is that you have continued moving forward in the face of disappointment... .keep that up and you can achieve anything you want.

I always hesitate when talking about your mom... .I don't want to cross into places that you don't feel I should go but I have a few things to say.

I know you're angry at her and I know you love her.  Yes, you can have those two diametrically opposed feelings at the same time. (I've been there many times)  I encourage you to keep loving your mom but in having a relationship with her I also encourage you to set boundaries in that relationship that protect you. What are the lessons from this experience that you have learned in terms of your mom?  What will you change... .what boundaries will you create to protect yourself if this sort of thing comes up again?  Where else in the relationship with your mom do you feel there needs to be some boundaries? .  You have a right to put your needs first it is not selfish and not something to feel guilty about (took me 47 years to learn that lesson!).  Think about what they teach you on an airplane... .the oxygen masks fall, you put yours on and then help a child with theirs. You can't help anyone else if you don't get oxygen, you become weak and pass out... .you can't help anyone else if you sacrifice your own needs, you become weak and collapse under the needs of others.

 

Parents are not perfect, they are not infallible, and do have limitations.  Our challenge as adult children is to understand this and in some situations accept those limitations for what they are and create our relationships with those limitations in mind. Again this was a lesson that took me a very long time to learn.  I have never been what my mother wanted me to be... .I tried and I tried and I tried and she has never been what I wanted her to be ... .she tried and she tried and she tried. I finally accepted the fact that I will never be what she wants me to be and she is never going to be what I need her to be (Radical Acceptance). Now I have a much easier time with our relationship it is what it is without all the pressures and stresses of both of us trying to be something we aren't and I seek out the things I wished my mother had from other people in my life.   Accept your mom for who she is not what you hope she will be and I think you will see her in a new light that will help you better protect yourself from hurt and disappointment.

Since dating your dad and learning about BPD I've done a lot of reading... .books... .Internet... .  I hope when you have the time and if you feel comfortable with it that you will research the topic.  I think you will find the information helpful when negotiating various things with your mom.

Use your dad as a resource and a support he understands your mom very well, he understands BPD, and he wants to support you and your sister.  He loves you more than you know.  When we first met and began getting to know each other he told me about you and your sister.  I want you to know that he loves you both... .but you D18 are the apple of his eye and it was clear as day to me when he described you to me.  He fought hard for his rights to be your father when it would have been much easier to just turn his back and walk away.  He has done his level best to create a stable and loving home for you and your sister.  He will always do his very best for you.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time but you have shown strength, resilience, and perseverance... .I can hear your dad in my head quoting Star Wars... ."you have done well my young Padawan".

Please let me know if I can do anything to help.  I look forward to watching as you continue to move forward.

Love Panda39

[NorthernGirl]

Hi Panda39. I'm also more prone to write things out rather than saying them so I understand where you're coming form.

A couple questions, some that I may just have forgotten  . Is her mom diagnosed with BPD, and if so does the daughter know about the diagnosis? Has her Dad ever spoken to D18 about BPD? If so, what kind of reaction does he get?

In my case, DH's ex is not diagnosed and the kids all know something isn't quite right but only the oldest (24) will talk about it. The other two are very loyal to their mom, and just talking about her in these terms with DH or me would feel like a betrayal. I believe if I sent a letter like this to SS22, who is enmeshed with his mom, he would show it to her or at a minimum tell her about it. Having said that, his mom hasn't been diagnosed, so it would all be speculation.

What kind of reaction are you wanting your D18 to have after reading the letter? Do you think she would feel disloyal to her mom?

[Aussie JJ]

Panda,

I'm in two minds about this. 

I know it will sound a bit off beat.  BPD is a biagnosis.  Irrelevant unless she knows about it or is treating it as a mental health profesional.  She isnt, she is her mothers daughter.  it suck's, dont be the person to label her mother.  Behaviour, copnig mechanism's, support is what you are.  I am one day goign to be in this position for my son and I struggle with how I will approach this discussion

Dear D18,

I've been debating with myself how to approach this topic with you for a long time.  I know you have been working your butt off getting things set up for the new semester and your focus has been there and should be there right now.

I wanted to tell you how proud I am of how I have seen you handle the disapointment of the last few weeks in regards to College.  I have seen resilience, strength and determination that make me so proud of you and so proud to be involved with such a wonderful young lady.  I have had a bit of trouble myself trying to support you and also at the same time I have been so proud of not having to help, seeing you overcome these issues by yourself without a huge amount of assistance. 

Life throws us many curve balls and the how you have handled them, as someone who is 47 I have had had to encounter a few of my own curve balls.  I know that you will get through this and prosper, you have done a better job than I could of at your age and I think its important that that is recognised. 

D18 you haven't buckled under disappointment or wallowed in self pity, you have taken action.  You are a tough cookie D18 (with a soft center) and I want to acknowledge your strength and you really can be proud of how you have handled yourself in this situation.  I want you to know too that it is okay to feel that disappointment, that sadness and mourn the loss of that "eastern college" dream you don't have to be "strong" all the time.  If their is something, anything really, I want you to know that both your dad and myself will be their at all times to support you. 

With what has transpired with the financial situation regarding the college in XYZ, I know you're angry with your mother and I know you love her.  Yes, you can have those two diametrically opposed feelings at the same time.  I encourage you to keep loving your mom, I also encourage you to set boundaries in that  protect you from similar circumstances in the future.  Something that has hurt me more than I can express verbally, it makes me really break up is seeing you go through this and not knowing how I can assist you also at that same time knowing that their has been that breach of trust with your mother and you are having dificulties trusting her at the moment.  I want to reach out and help however I struggle a bit myself at times not knowing how I can help without apearing to undermine your relationship with your mother. 

Think about what they teach you on an airplane, the oxygen masks fall, you put yours on and then help a child with theirs.  You can't help anyone else if you don't get oxygen, you become weak and pass out.  I beleive your mother loves you dearly, I also beleive that in instances like these their has to be an effort to look after ourselves as individuals first and formost so that we can help others.  You have a right to put your needs first it is not selfish and not something to feel guilty about, having distance from people can be heathy for you so you can help yourselfe before you help others. 

Parents are not perfect, they are not infallible, and do have limitations.  Our challenge as adult's, I beleive your are more mature than your years by how you have handled this and many other tasks is to understand this and in some situations accept those limitations for what they are and create our relationships with those limitations in mind. 

For myself, this was a lesson that took me a very long time to learn.  I have never been what my mother wanted me to be, I tried and I tried and I tried and she has never been what I wanted her to be.  I finally accepted the fact that I will never be what she wants me to be and she is never going to be what I need her to be.  Now I have a much easier time with our relationship it is what it is without all the pressures and stresses of both of us trying to be something we aren't.   I accept your mom for who she is, she is and always will be your mother, I really dont want to ever be in a position of saying anything negatieve about her and that has made it so much harder for me to step in and offer assistance over the past few weeks.  I don't know how to do this without expressing my own disapoointment in the situation.

Since dating your dad and learning about the behaviours that he has encountered from your mother and how he has had to fight to stay involved in your life.  I have had to really try to stay distanced from it all to not become negative about the previous occurances.  I hope when you have the time and if you feel comfortable with it that you will sit down and talk to your father about some of the things he has had to go through to just be that, your father. 

Use your dad as a resource and a support, your father understands your mom very well, he understands some of the behaviours that she has had towards him and has learnt to protect himself from some of her actions, your father will always to support you and your sister.  He loves you more than you know and more than I can express properly. 

When we first met and began getting to know each other the thing that your father spoke most fondly of was you and your sister.  I want you to know that he loves you both, it was clear as day to me when he first mentioned both of you that I would always play second fidle to you and I have never had a problem with that.  Your father fought hard for your right to have him involved in your life.  I say that I play second fiddle to you and your sister in your fathers eyes however I am proud to be a part of what your father has provided for you.  He has done his level best to create a stable and loving home for you and your sister. 

Please let me know if I can do anything to help, as I said I struggle at times wanting to help and also not wanting to get in the way of the path that you want to take.  Your father has and always will be there for you and I want you to know that as I have been there for him, please consider asking for any help you need, I look forward to being there for you as well. 


Love Panda39

The part in italic, I think it is a good line, however I think it is sort of also counter productive, you could be seen as infering that you have had to step back and look after yourself and havent been supportive because of XYZ, it is to open ended.  That is my opinion of it.  I would think about it a bit more here before writting it. 

Probably good using the boards as a sounding board for it.  Others here have had great insight into these topics, I havent been their yet so ask for some more opinions.   

BTW, Panda, you and your hubby are doign a great job., 

AJJ. 

[Panda39]

Hi Panda39. I'm also more prone to write things out rather than saying them so I understand where you're coming form.

A couple questions, some that I may just have forgotten  . Is her mom diagnosed with BPD, and if so does the daughter know about the diagnosis? Has her Dad ever spoken to D18 about BPD? If so, what kind of reaction does he get?

In my case, DH's ex is not diagnosed and the kids all know something isn't quite right but only the oldest (24) will talk about it. The other two are very loyal to their mom, and just talking about her in these terms with DH or me would feel like a betrayal. I believe if I sent a letter like this to SS22, who is enmeshed with his mom, he would show it to her or at a minimum tell her about it. Having said that, his mom hasn't been diagnosed, so it would all be speculation.

What kind of reaction are you wanting your D18 to have after reading the letter? Do you think she would feel disloyal to her mom?

Mom is not diagnosed that we know of however she has been confronted by my SO and has not denied it. We know for sure she's had past diagnoses for Anxiety & BiPolar. She has all the behaviors.  Dad has talked to both daughters about BPD.  We had a crisis about a year ago with the younger daughter 14 making threats to hurt herself, she went in patient psych for 2 weeks... .she had a breakdown surrounding issues with her mother... .multiple evictions, daughter being asked to lie and keep secrets... .chaos and stress she couldn't handle it anymore.  My SO at that time decided it was time to get real and discussed BPD with them.  At that time D18 reaction was that she could "handle" her mother and D14 has since begun standing up for herself setting boundaries, talking to dad, talking to school counselor and talking to therapist.  No more stuffing which I think is really healthy.  D14 asked to read my copy of Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson and I haven't seen it since.  I'm not sure she understands all of it but she was able to identify her mother as a "Queen".  My feeling is that knowledge is power but you have to want that knowledge and be ready for that knowledge.  D14 was ready and D18 wasn't but I think she might be ready now to know more.  She has become much more open and forthcoming with her dad.  D18 for a long time has seen mom as a victim and has tried to protect her and at the same time parent her younger sister when with mom.  For the first time I think D18 sees that her mother causes a lot of her own problems.  The college situation is also running parallel to mom up on felony charges for writing a very large bad check to someone, and a civil case against her with someone else.  She is just spiraling down and I think D18 has finally figured out she can't do anything to protect her mom.

What I want her to get from the letter is that I'm sorry she's had this disappointment/set back, that her dad and I care about her, validate how hard this is and what a good job she's doing moving through it.  I want her to know it's okay to love her mom in spite of everything and at the same time to protect herself... .that she has that right.  I want her to know that there are resources if she wants to learn more and other ways to approach her relationship with her mom.

I'm trying my best not to be negative about mom just focus on D18 and support her, encourage her, and put some tools out there that she might pick up.  I hope I don't make her feel disloyal to mom that is not my intent at all... .I know both girls love their mom... .she's their mom.

[Panda39]

Aussie

Want a job as a ghost writer? 

I like your tweaks a lot and thank you for editing my "biagnosis" labeling I appreciate that.  I'm a feeler kind of person it's often hard for me to articulate those feelings. I knew bringing it here for editing would be beneficial.   You smoothed a lot of bumpy spots with sensitivity to D18 in mind and I'm grateful. 

Thank you.

[Aussie JJ]

Panda,

If only I could take my own advice at times.  I think looking at some of the other posters here and trying to see what they have been through and take the view of others helps me be removed from it a bit. LnL is a classic for me of providing great advice. 

Main thing I am learning about my role with the parenting side of the equation with my ex is basically, be nuteral towards her.  Dont validate that its ok with my son, validate that its ok to feel bad about what has occured and that it isnt correct.  Saying that, still encourage the relationship and never even be negative.  It's hard as it hurts to see it and not jump in and say, how discusting is this! 

As so many here have said, kids are smart and they will make up their own minds about these topics in time.  Give her the validation to make her own choices and know that you will always support those choices and more importantly, always be there if she needs help. 

Be careful with the advice, guidance is a easier way to see it.  Guide by example of how you think it is healthy to act. 

For the record, you have done a bloody good job on that front. 


AJJ. 

[Skip]

What I want her to get from the letter is that I'm sorry she's had this disappointment/set back, that her dad and I care about her, validate how hard this is and what a good job she's doing moving through it.  

Maybe this is all that needs to be said.

I want her to know it's okay to love her mom in spite of everything and at the same time to protect herself... .that she has that right.  I want her to know that there are resources if she wants to learn more and other ways to approach her relationship with her mom.

However valuable, I wonder if this message should be coming from you. Step parents are often more trusted when they remain neutral regarding the parents. It comes with the territory. This message could very well be damaging to your relationship with the daughters and the mom. Putting it in writing makes it available for distribution - to mom, to friends, a boyfriend, to a therapist... .

I'm trying my best not to be negative about mom just focus on D18 and support her, encourage her, and put some tools out there that she might pick up.  I hope I don't make her feel disloyal to mom that is not my intent at all... .I know both girls love their mom... .she's their mom.

Its a very complex relationship between a daughter and a mentally ill mother. Its a complex and fragile relationship between a daughter and and blended family members.

Be careful.

[livednlearned]

Hi Panda39,

I was a step mom -- N/BPDx had an older son when I met him. I'm now 2 years into dating a guy with three kids. My own S13 has a superficial relationship with my SO, if you can even call it superficial. These step dynamics are not rigged in our favor.

I read in a post on the boards that you were married to an alcoholic in your last relationship. Me too. So as one former enabler to another   I think you're walking into a trap.

What is the goal here? To soothe D18? This is probably the best thing to happen to her. She is still in the red hot pain of this lesson, and needs to feel it to the fullest extent she can. She has just started life as an adult and already she has "failed" to manage a smooth transition to adulthood before a full year of college is even over. It's difficult for her to resent her mother -- that's scary, and tied up with her own developing identity about who she is. She may want to be angry at her dad because he warned her this was going to happen, then he ended up being right, so she feels some shame there instead. On top of everything, she is trying to deal with the head-banging frustration of getting things organized with a new school, one that is second best in her eyes.

Then she gets a letter from you.

My T would be all over this letter, asking me if I was feeling any glee about the one-down dynamic, either with bio mom or the daughter. I'm susceptible to this one-down feeling because it makes me feel good about myself when someone else is messing up. My SO's ex wife is a train wreck and I am embarrassed to admit that I feel smug when she messes up. It's the dark side of a codependent dynamic, feeling superior when someone else is falling apart. I don't know if that's going on for you here, but there is a tone of pity in the letter, and it reads a bit like a lecture, from someone who has authority to someone who has none.

What D18 might appreciate is a gesture of care. "If you need anything right now, I hope you'll let me know. I don't know how I can help but I'm on standby if you need a hug or someone to give you moral support dealing with logistics. I've been there!"

[Panda39]

Hi Lnl and Skip,

My reaction to Skip's post earlier this morning was to get angry and feel frustrated and I've been sitting with that for a couple hours. Why was that my reaction?

Things running through my brain... .

Why can't I ever express my opinion?  What is my role with these children?  When will these children learn?  I have things I can teach them that could help but feel like my hands are tied. Their mother really pisses me off!  I truly am sorry that D18 had this happen to her!

Many of those thoughts were about me.

Then I read Lnl's post and I think her analysis of the letter is correct too... .I might have even known that deep down.  There is a reason I brought it here instead of just sending it out... .I wasn't feeling confident about it.

Part of this letter is really about D18 and part of this letter is about me! 

Man, is that an annoying revelation!   

Okay so I'm back to the drawing board or pad and pencil... .time for a re-write.  I'll bring the re-do back when I have it.

Thanks everyone 

[livednlearned]

Why can't I ever express my opinion?  What is my role with these children?  When will these children learn?  I have things I can teach them that could help but feel like my hands are tied. Their mother really pisses me off!  I truly am sorry that D18 had this happen to her!

Many of those thoughts were about me.

This is really insightful! Also, you are a soldier. It's hard to look at these feelings right in the eye like you did.

I think your questions made me see something about the letter that was hard to pinpoint... .you want to rescue someone who appears to be helpless, but doesn't want your help. Speaking as a recovering codependent, I had to learn that someone wants your help when they ask.   If D18 isn't asking, then she isn't asking. A bind for you -- someone who has a lot to offer and a lot to lose.

When you wrote "what is my role with these children" is that another way of asking, "what is my worth here?" It could be, as hard as it is for a step parent, that you don't have a whole lot of worth to D18, not right now, anyway. No one likes to feel that way.

It may take a long time until she's ready to have a relationship with you that's more than aloof or superficial. It's even possible that the two of you may never develop a real bond. I'm just coming to terms with that between SO and my son. S13 doesn't want to have anything to do with SO, and I'm letting go of the hope that things will warm up and get genuine anytime soon. The big "win" just recently is that S13 agreed to not refer to SO as Voldemort. Who then began referring to him as "He Who Shall Not Be Named."  

[DreamGirl]

Hi Panda,

I'm so glad that you decided to sit on it.  

My three daughters all have very different relationship(s) with their mom. And their Dad. My middle stepdaughter is really defensive of her mama. I tread very lightly in that arena because I think it's important that our relationship not be contingent on the one she has with her mom. It's OK that she loves her mom. I support her in that and she knows it. These kids that have BPD mamas (with stepmoms in the mix) are almost always involved in some sort of a loyalty bind.  

So I try really hard to think of it in terms of "OK, let's say that [the girls'] mom was my friend. How would I talk to them about her?"  

It's not really fair what happened with your SD. I think it's OK to validate that if she were to ever approach you about it. I think it's also OK to let her know that you are there for her and have faith that she'll figure out what her and her mom's relationship should look like. She just learned the hardest lesson that we all learn when we have a disordered parent -- they really struggle at being the parent we want them to be.  

I also know how hard it is to watch your kids struggle with the other parent, but they have to endure the struggle to figure it out.  

Why can't you just send a note that says... .

SD18,

I just want you to know that I'm really impressed with how you've handled the college situation.

If you need my help, I'm able and willing. Just say the word.

--Panda

[Panda39]

Why can't I ever express my opinion?  What is my role with these children?  When will these children learn?  I have things I can teach them that could help but feel like my hands are tied. Their mother really pisses me off!  I truly am sorry that D18 had this happen to her!

Many of those thoughts were about me.

This is really insightful! Also, you are a soldier. It's hard to look at these feelings right in the eye like you did.

Thank you for this   Since coming to this site I have realized how many dysfunctional relationships I've been in and besides working out things regarding my SO and his family I really am on my own journey too.  I'm trying very hard to be more aware of and work on my co-dependent issues. I like the written format too so I can really think out what I say and sometimes I don't even realize what I've said until I read it back and have one of those Ah Ha moments and I love all the different points of view and perspectives it's all really helpful.

I think your questions made me see something about the letter that was hard to pinpoint... .you want to rescue someone who appears to be helpless, but doesn't want your help. Speaking as a recovering codependent, I had to learn that someone wants your help when they ask.   If D18 isn't asking, then she isn't asking. A bind for you -- someone who has a lot to offer and a lot to lose.

Yep and D18 isn't the type to ask... .I will butt out  

When you wrote "what is my role with these children" is that another way of asking, "what is my worth here?" It could be, as hard as it is for a step parent, that you don't have a whole lot of worth to D18, not right now, anyway. No one likes to feel that way.

It may take a long time until she's ready to have a relationship with you that's more than aloof or superficial. It's even possible that the two of you may never develop a real bond. I'm just coming to terms with that between SO and my son. S13 doesn't want to have anything to do with SO, and I'm letting go of the hope that things will warm up and get genuine anytime soon. The big "win" just recently is that S13 agreed to not refer to SO as Voldemort. Who then began referring to him as "He Who Shall Not Be Named."  

Yes, I've been thinking that there just may be no meaningful relationship between D18 and I for awhile too.  On the flip side I do have something nice going with her younger sister she and I have a lot in common so things have been much easier and she is a more open person D18 is very closed up

I hope "He Who Shall Not Be Named" isn't too offended... .Don't tell your honey but I think this is hilarious  

[Panda39]

Hi Panda,

I'm so glad that you decided to sit on it.  

My three daughters all have very different relationship(s) with their mom. And their Dad. My middle stepdaughter is really defensive of her mama. I tread very lightly in that arena because I think it's important that our relationship not be contingent on the one she has with her mom. It's OK that she loves her mom. I support her in that and she knows it. These kids that have BPD mamas (with stepmoms in the mix) are almost always involved in some sort of a loyalty bind.  

So I try really hard to think of it in terms of "OK, let's say that [the girls'] mom was my friend. How would I talk to them about her?"  

It's not really fair what happened with your SD. I think it's OK to validate that if she were to ever approach you about it. I think it's also OK to let her know that you are there for her and have faith that she'll figure out what her and her mom's relationship should look like. She just learned the hardest lesson that we all learn when we have a disordered parent -- they really struggle at being the parent we want them to be.  

I also know how hard it is to watch your kids struggle with the other parent, but they have to endure the struggle to figure it out.  

Why can't you just send a note that says... .

SD18,

I just want you to know that I'm really impressed with how you've handled the college situation.

If you need my help, I'm able and willing. Just say the word.

--Panda

I like this... .I tweaked it a little bit to make it more mine

[Panda39]

I'm cheating a little bit with a greeting card.

The card I bought has a little bunny looking at greeting cards in the store.  First card bunny looks at says "Hang in there" and the bunny thinks "hmm... .not quite right".  Second card bunny looks at says "Thinking of you" and the bunny thinks "still not quite right".  Then when you open my card its the bunny looking at a third card that says "I know things really stink right now, and I wish is could make it all go away.  But at least I can let you know how much I care." and the bunny thinks "Perfect"

Then I added... .

Dear D18,

I just want you to know how sorry I am about "name of college".   I want you to know too that I'm really impressed by how you are handling it.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.

Panda

That's it short, sweet and about her.  Boy, this must be the hardest 3 sentences of my life 

Thanks everyone for getting me there I appreciate everyone's perspectives, ideas, edits and feedback.

[DreamGirl]

So I'm sending you a greeting card too. 


I'm really impressed with how you were able to reflect on all of this and ultimately the whole situation.

~DreamGirl



Picture penguins on the front. Because penguins are the best.

[livednlearned]

Boy, this must be the hardest 3 sentences of my life 

 

I loved having my bpdfamily ghostwriters help me author my emails to N/BPDx. Would take me days to write 2 sentences 

[sanemom]

This was a really good thread... .sometimes less is really more.  The silence lets them be more aware of their own voice and feelings.

Panda, great job!  Being a stepmom is really hard, especially when you feel like you are watching a train wreck.   

[Panda39]

Thanks sanemom.

I have to add a postscript... .

So uBPDmom calls D18 the other night and says what if I could send you to the best college for a History major in the country what would you say?   

She absolutely has no clue about what she's done.  She thinks that not paying for daughter's college is the problem and yes that is part of it but the real problem is that she lies and makes promises she can't keep.

The good news that even if uBPDmom is incapable of learning D18 can learn and has. She said "Stop it mom, I'm going to Metro (local state college)"  Loosing your dream school is an incredibly painful way to learn a lesson but she learned it and hopefully in the future she will continue to make wiser choices when it comes to her mom so this type of thing isn't repeated.

[DreamGirl]

What kind of response did you get from SD with your card?

[Skip]

I'm going to Metro (local state college)"  Loosing your dream school... .

I'm so sorry she has lost out on this opportunity.