BPD, NPD challenged Wife

[Bbuilder]

Please help me out, I am a new member here & my wife is a high functioning/invisible & also displays some overlapping low functioning symptoms as well. She currently works as a stripper & thrives on that job cause of all the attention she receives, and, will probably strip till she is 40+. I am currently in prison for about 7mos with about 6-10 mos more. My wife almost immediately went

& tried or did (not really sure) to have affairs with possibly 2-3 friends of mine, bankrupted my business, did several other things not worth listing here & has exhibited behavior towards me that is nothing short of horrifying, the things she has said to me by far & away are the most painful. Oh, & I left the best one of them all out of all this... .she has told me on several occasions that she is in love w/my nephew & it is really him that she should've married. Since I have been locked up she has brought several men to my house, had sex in my bed & lies so much that she wouldn't know the truth if it slapped her across the face. OK, so I am here asking everyone for their help & input, please be nice to me as I have very thin skin right now. Just please be as constructive w/your criticism as possible. I want to rule out the men cause I am locked up & would she be doing that if I was home ... .absolutely not ! There is a long story here that I did not mention yet, she had her 6yr old son taken away from her in Nov of 2013, when that happened I watched this woman unravel like a skein of yarn, some days were worse than others, but, most days were pretty bad. She keeps fading in & out of lucidity, she sees things, she hears voices, she claims to be psychic, she consults a Reiki healer on a weekly basis, she believes she has some type of ties to the supernatural world. She loves being isolated, has no friends cause people cannot stand to be around her cause she says very hurtful & painful things to people. She believes that people are not able to handle her honesty, she lives in a world all by herself, and is filled w/so much hate cause she claims everyone in her life has abandoned her cause they do not appreciate her honesty... .which by the way couldnt be any farther from the truth. It's because she operates without a filter and just does & says whatever she wants. In the past she has hit on all her friends bf's or husbands or babysitters, & when caught has said the other person is crazy that she would never do anything like that at all ... .! One of her own family members is the person who filed abuse & neglect charges against her. That person who filed the charges happens to work for Child Protection in their state. I am only skimming the surface so far, so, please be patient w/me... .it wasnt until after we were married did I realize that something was askew w/her. The constant criticisms, the incessant arguing about nothing, & the list goes on & on. I am quite sure I am not posting anything here that no one hasn't been through, God I am hoping I am not the only one here that is sitting on the deck of a boat watching it sink around you ! She claims that the sex is only sex & there is no type of romantic interests w/any of her partner(s)... .I am just so confused cause I don't know if I am the only idiot hanging in there for no reason whatsoever... .she recently won her case w/the the state as they dropped all the neglect & abuse charges against her... .she is a very loving mother ( 95% of the time), although I know she has done things in front of the kid that I do believe has left him scarred or very confused psychologically. I think on some level her son has been traumatized because at a very early age she has been very self-centered in doing whatever she wants when she wants with him not being to far away ! Again, most of this is stuff I picked up along the way. She claims that all she ever does is speak the truth

& that I like everyone else in her life dont understand her & cant accept her "brand or version" of what the truth is .

Again, please tell me I am not the only person out there who is suffering like this... .is anyone thinking to themselves what is wrong w/this guy... .how many times does he need to get slapped in the face before he finally wakes up to smell the coffee

... .well, this is exactly why I am posting on this site... .I am looking for feedback & the sharing of stories ! I am looking for some type of help, some type of direction, some type of something ! Yes, I have "threatened" her w/ divorce now on 2 separate occasions & once I do that then the tears are flowing that she just wants to remain married & build a life when I get out ! Now, am I an idiot or do I just not understand anything here ... .she changes personalities every 5mins, again, I am not saying anything here that is not unfamiliar to anybody on this site... .I am very new to dealing w/BPD cause I didnt put this together til after I got locked up, which by the way cause she was so dependent on me to help her w/the fact her son was gone that she needed me worse than her next breath of air. So, I am imagining that me getting locked up helped exacerbate her condition 10-fold ! I am very certain of that fact ! I could go on & on but, I think you get the picture. Oh, & even though she tried to confront my nephew on a few different occasions , to which she was met w/a flurry of words & the hopes she would just die & get out of everyone's life cause she is poison, by my nephew, who by the way doesnt talk to me anymore cause he has said I am more stupid than she is for even having someone like that in my life. My nephew despises her for what she has done to our family ! But, her standing belief is that he is saying that to her cause of his loyalty to me, & if I wasn't in the picture then it would be an entirely different story... .he has never liked her & for the better part of the truth he could never stand being around her at all. He just tolerated her cause she was "with me"... .as did all of my friends & family !

She has admitted to me on several occasions she knows she needs help, and I gather that in the past she has been on meds, but, she has stopped them & during the time of my being locked up she has told me she was working on herself & her "problems", but, she has really been doing that ? When, confronted by me how things are going she vehemently denies having anything wrong w/her & goes into a rage that defies description ! (again, probably not anything anyone else hasnt been thru), look, I understand the whole thing of being understanding , non-confronting, patient, etc etc etc, but, seriously, where does everyone draw the line in the sand... .please help me with understanding all of this... .cause this is where my confusion grows exponentially... .So, I am seeking feedback, ... .Oh, & of source she isnt entirely to blame, there were times I couldnt hold my temper back & has said some things to retaliate. Which, now, I understand is considered the be a huge no-no ! I am trying my best to learn. I have read all kinds of books on the subject & now I am trying to apply what little patience & knowledge I have gained from reading the books about the disease. Right now I am seeking direction... .am I wrong for wanting to "pull the plug", ? Please someone respond who has been in my shoes, please... .I am seeking help !

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[MaybeSo]

Hi and welcome!

I'm so sorry to hear how hard it's been with your wife.

your description fits with someone who has experienced a lot of abuse or neglect. do you have an understanding of her upbringing or background?

she of course needs professional help but we can't force her.

is your incarceration related to her behavior in any way?

you are correct, expect symptoms to worsen with loss if contact or separation from a primary attachment figure.

I'm sorry. I'm concerned also for her boy.

[Bbuilder]

Hello, to everyone on this board, I cant thank you enough for responding to my post. I live in a land of confusion & constant hurt. If I was outside & understood that she had BPD I would have handled this situation entirely different. Please believe that. !

She is by definition standards is the textbook BP, she exhibits all the criterion set forth in the DSM V, I have been blessed with a great support system and the greatest family in the world ! With that said, she will not have any contact with any of my family. That in & of itself is a disaster. She really only speaks with her mother. She, for some reason & I am pretty sure why, though not 100% positive is estranged from her father. She will go years and have no conversation with him whatsoever. I know for a fact she is terrified of just calling him ! I know a member of her family called a while back & asked her if she was ever sexually molested by the father, to which she just laughed it off & immediately dismissed that notion. I know she has the cuts on the forearm that are the trademark of someone who is screaming for help. I know she has been hospitalized for suicide attempts a few times. Mind you some of this is info she has shared & some of this is info that her family has shared. She is a walking enigma, as I am gathering most BP's are. It took me a while (approx 1.5 yrs to put this together),

I witnessed her having a huge meltdown when she lost her child. But, that came about 2-3 mos after he was gone. She internalizes all her feelings. I have on several occasions told her it was ok to cry & let things out. ! After she did she felt better, but, that was only a momentary break in the action. I know she has had a rough childhood her father & mother were divorced, almost right after she was born, the father has been an alcoholic, and from what I understand has been in recovery for years. Her mother, although never having met her, but, I have spoken with her & her other family member & they have not painted a very pretty picture of my wife's childhood. I know she was diagnosed with ADHD, as well as paranoid schizophrenia, ( although I do believe that was mis-diagnosed), she is also dyslexic, which would add incredibly to her learning difficulties... .but, on some avenues she is incredibly intelligent, as a matter of fact, scary intelligent.

She by virtue of her job can read people like an open book. She is very manipulative in some senses, because of her ability to read people, and her job. I know for a fact (by virtue of her own admission) that she cannot handle or deal with rejection on any level whatsoever. She told me if she ever tried to get health insurance her premiums would be off the charts cause she is perceived as a person who is on a mission to self-destruct.

I know she wont get help on her own & will not even make an attempt. I also know that if I was to broach the subject with her she would completely flip out. !

So, this is what I am asking, you stated that I am correct if her primary caregiver (me), was to leave her, that her condition would likely worsen to a huge degree... .look, I am a big boy, so, I know I am not tethered down to her in any ways, shape, or form, but, I was thinking the same as well. Keeping in mind that she sees someone at least once, twice a week

and if I was to bring up the fact that I might be in love with someone else then she would completely flip out in a rage & revert to the FOG/emotional blackmail routine with me. Like I previously stated she is a textbook example of a BP. !

Someone please explain that whole thought process to me, the you know it's okay for me to see other people but, how dare you. She is also into all this "new age" way of thinking, like The Power of Now", & again she vacillates from that sect to Buddhism, to anything that she can find that will qualify her way of thinking. She has been on 4-5 different New Age methods, & it seems that when one doesn't conform to her way of thinking then she abandons that & moves on to other things... .

As far as her son goes... .well, yes, I am extremely afraid for him as well. Cause she has no shame whatsoever & her relationship with him borders on something that reminds me of the Oedipus Theory, only I believe she is in love with her son. She claims that she only has felt real love from him & myself... oh & God ! Her son I think will be in a world of confusion cause if she brings her work home with her ... .well, that is going to mess him up very badly & scar him for life.

Please is there a psychological term for her "claiming she is in love with my nephew ? My nephew has rejected her called her names in a club one night that I wouldn't dare repeat here in a month of Sundays. And he is getting married. She knows my nephew is the person that is closest to me in life & I am speculating that she was very jealous of my relationship with him and it bothers her tremendously that he only shows me love. He has told her off on a few different occasions, & has repeatedly told me to get rid of her cause she is highly toxic & extremely poisonous ! I have heard some very horrifying stories about her past & some of the things she has done... .are they true ? Well, I have been groomed to believe a quarter of what you see & nothing of what you here ! I just don't get the being in love with my nephew ... .especially in the way he has publically humiliated her & said things to her ,... .well, aren't very nice... .& from all that she still holds on to the fact that regardless of what he has said he loves her more than life itself... .please someone explain all of that to me !

Anyone out there that can offer any assistance I would deeply appreciate, this is by far & away something that I am strongly losing my love & patience for ! I am scared to death to even call her for fear of who is waiting for me on the other end !

I am more than aware there are a few people out there who either have experienced or are currently experiencing the same thing... .Please someone help me ... .this is a cry of utter desperation ! I need some direction !