Need help with what to do next...

[BrooksD]

 My girlfriend is a classic case of BPD from what I have read. We got into a huge fight Wednesday night where she accused me of saying things I never said, among other things that I have never even hinted at. I defended myself and truth be told I was drunk at home(the fight was over text) and I basically told her she's crazy and making it up.

The next day had a tense phone call, where she accused me of questioning her whenever she can't call me. I never have, and I told her I would screen capture every time I've texted her and asked to call in the last month to prove it. I sent her the screen captures over email, where my general reply when she said she was busy was "no worries". She never replied, and I feel like questioning her sense of reality may of been a bad idea.

Friday I blew her phone up looking for answers on where we stood. She eventually replied saying she needed "more time". Today we didn't say one word to each other. I don't know how to handle her. I don't know what to say or do, or not do.

A little history- we broke up 3 months ago because she cheated on me for the whole year we were together. She showed up at my apartment a month after we broke up and begged for forgiveness and I took her back. Our fight started Wednesday when she literally randomly texted me that all I care about is me, and winning. Blew me away because I've done everything for her, forgiven her and continued paying all her bills for her.

Advice, please. I want to help her and I don't want to lose her. She's always the victim in everything and I don't want to give her more reason to play victim but I really want to stay with her... .I don't know what to say, or if I should just wait for her to come to me. Or how to get her behavior under control... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hi Brooks

You are definitely going through a tough time. Have you read the Lessons on the right side of this page? With BPD, probably with any RS, I think you are never going to control a partner's behavior. That said, you can use an approach to communicating that is less likely to trigger your girlfriend's fight/flight response. Search the lessons about JADE - you'll be surprised to see how it is a BIG invalidation for pwBPD. Then read up on validation, SET and boundaries. These tools are most effective in creating some stability. In the end, you have to remember that you can make positive changes to take care of yourself and your needs, but it is entirely up to your girlfriend to make those changes within and for herself. And sadly, many people with BPD do not make those choices.

Keep posting and let us know what questions or help with the tools you may need as you start to try them. It's a learning curve, for certain.

[BrooksD]

Hi Brooks

You are definitely going through a tough time. Have you read the Lessons on the right side of this page? With BPD, probably with any RS, I think you are never going to control a partner's behavior. That said, you can use an approach to communicating that is less likely to trigger your girlfriend's fight/flight response. Search the lessons about JADE - you'll be surprised to see how it is a BIG invalidation for pwBPD. Then read up on validation, SET and boundaries. These tools are most effective in creating some stability. In the end, you have to remember that you can make positive changes to take care of yourself and your needs, but it is entirely up to your girlfriend to make those changes within and for herself. And sadly, many people with BPD do not make those choices.

Keep posting and let us know what questions or help with the tools you may need as you start to try them. It's a learning curve, for certain.

Thank you. I just watched Does She Have BPD? And it was scary because every single bit of it clicked. And I made the mistake of telling her she has mental issues and that's what started all of this. I just don't know if it's best to approach her next or let her come to me.

I'll keep reading and watching videos here too.

[Stalwart]

Hey Brooks

Boy, can I relate to where you are from times gone by. You have the basis of realizing what the problems seem to be, question is do you know how to go forward and change the reality for both of you?

"I feel like questioning her sense of reality may of been a bad idea." BINGO my friend. It does help to recognize it for being her reality, understanding and empathizing with why she would feel that way, given her past experiences with others and validating her feelings so she can both bring down the level of conflict, open up and talk to you. In that way you can find the real reasons why she fears whatever the situation is and interactions taking place. It might not have a darn thing to do with you and her but just 'crap' from her past she's escalating into the projection of both of your futures. Do you question your sense of reality, your morals, your judgments as much as you question hers? Not trying to be negative or confrontational because the fact of the reality is SHE does have her own take of reality and her reality is HER reality and take on a situation every bit as entrenched and real as yours is to you. Learning that reality she think, feels and operates from is everything. Learning how to accept that is her reality and go forward using good methods and tools to work within the structure of her reality so she can trust and relate to better options with her reality is the key to changing dynamics and bringing about peace for her and you.

It's really hard and an intense job to learn the thinking of your partner and even more difficult in some cases to rationalize it to your own standards and acceptances, most times you can't so you have to learn to just simply trust she works differently, thinks differently and learn radical acceptance of those thoughts and feelings. None of that is simple or easy, learning and applying what you're learning about the though rationale of a person with BPD is difficult, long and intense but you can. When you can you can better empathize with what you're hearing and seeing in front of you. You can better understand what and why you're seeing it and learning to tools to react to that, her reality and immediate needs is key to every success for both of you in changing the dynamics and interactions in your own relationships.

For myself after a long learning process it still dumfounds me how the same mistakes from my wife's past experiences can so obviously come back to haunt her in her present one and how her reactions to that fear can so desperately lead her to make bad decisions that can only lead to a path of dysfunction and worsen a relationship. I think that's typical to a lot of relationships and situations most of experience. It doesn't have to be that way and the outcomes can so easily be changed when you can recognize what she's thinking, why and know what to do going forward to reduce her fears and alleviate her stress. It's a game changer in almost everything. Just understanding the extremity of those pressure cooker trapped emotions, the hopelessness they feel when dysregulated, the desperateness they spiral in and knowing where the switch is to help relieve those intense all-encompassing emotions is paramount to even approaching a resolution for her. Really, really intense learning process to embrace.

Good news is, it can be embraced, done and any one of us can learn to better our situations if we're motivated enough to a better life and relationship to do that. My wife finally AFTER 52 YEARS went for proper diagnosis, accepted it and is in therapy. That's big and it's helped her a lot to try and change herself. All great stuff and I admire her strengths and willingness but that's small changes. The big changes can come from our reactions in changing the dynamics. It's my belief that if we want to stay in our relationships the responsibility to learn and change our relationships fall on us simply because we have the tools and intellects to more easily do that. Dedicating ourselves to that learning process and practicing all the tools in a real, empathetic and meaningful way is the key to changing our dynamics in our relationships to a more positive plateau. Like I said a real life challenge to take it all on but huge positive life changes in our relationships can come from it. I live it everyday and know it can be done.

Not on the lecture trail here my friend - just trying to let you know with the right efforts in the right places there can really be a lot more sunshine that comes out even for the intensity of the past and every present storms we have to endure.

Rick

Really good book advertised here. Loving Someone With Personality Disorder. Well worth the read. Not overly intense or informative on the extreme nuances that spawn the reality of person with borderline but awesome, awesome front line info on better understanding it a bit and great tools to deal with situations you see. Worth every bit of the read if that helps.

[BrooksD]

Hey Brooks

Boy, can I relate to where you are from times gone by. You have the basis of realizing what the problems seem to be, question is do you know how to go forward and change the reality for both of you?

"I feel like questioning her sense of reality may of been a bad idea." BINGO my friend. It does help to recognize it for being her reality, understanding and empathizing with why she would feel that way, given her past experiences with others and validating her feelings so she can both bring down the level of conflict, open up and talk to you. In that way you can find the real reasons why she fears whatever the situation is and interactions taking place. It might not have a darn thing to do with you and her but just 'crap' from her past she's escalating into the projection of both of your futures. Do you question your sense of reality, your morals, your judgments as much as you question hers? Not trying to be negative or confrontational because the fact of the reality is SHE does have her own take of reality and her reality is HER reality and take on a situation every bit as entrenched and real as yours is to you. Learning that reality she think, feels and operates from is everything. Learning how to accept that is her reality and go forward using good methods and tools to work within the structure of her reality so she can trust and relate to better options with her reality is the key to changing dynamics and bringing about peace for her and you.

It's really hard and an intense job to learn the thinking of your partner and even more difficult in some cases to rationalize it to your own standards and acceptances, most times you can't so you have to learn to just simply trust she works differently, thinks differently and learn radical acceptance of those thoughts and feelings. None of that is simple or easy, learning and applying what you're learning about the though rationale of a person with BPD is difficult, long and intense but you can. When you can you can better empathize with what you're hearing and seeing in front of you. You can better understand what and why you're seeing it and learning to tools to react to that, her reality and immediate needs is key to every success for both of you in changing the dynamics and interactions in your own relationships.

For myself after a long learning process it still dumfounds me how the same mistakes from my wife's past experiences can so obviously come back to haunt her in her present one and how her reactions to that fear can so desperately lead her to make bad decisions that can only lead to a path of dysfunction and worsen a relationship. I think that's typical to a lot of relationships and situations most of experience. It doesn't have to be that way and the outcomes can so easily be changed when you can recognize what she's thinking, why and know what to do going forward to reduce her fears and alleviate her stress. It's a game changer in almost everything. Just understanding the extremity of those pressure cooker trapped emotions, the hopelessness they feel when dysregulated, the desperateness they spiral in and knowing where the switch is to help relieve those intense all-encompassing emotions is paramount to even approaching a resolution for her. Really, really intense learning process to embrace.

Good news is, it can be embraced, done and any one of us can learn to better our situations if we're motivated enough to a better life and relationship to do that. My wife finally AFTER 52 YEARS went for proper diagnosis, accepted it and is in therapy. That's big and it's helped her a lot to try and change herself. All great stuff and I admire her strengths and willingness but that's small changes. The big changes can come from our reactions in changing the dynamics. It's my belief that if we want to stay in our relationships the responsibility to learn and change our relationships fall on us simply because we have the tools and intellects to more easily do that. Dedicating ourselves to that learning process and practicing all the tools in a real, empathetic and meaningful way is the key to changing our dynamics in our relationships to a more positive plateau. Like I said a real life challenge to take it all on but huge positive life changes in our relationships can come from it. I live it everyday and know it can be done.

Not on the lecture trail here my friend - just trying to let you know with the right efforts in the right places there can really be a lot more sunshine that comes out even for the intensity of the past and every present storms we have to endure.

Rick

Really good book advertised here. Loving Someone With Personality Disorder. Well worth the read. Not overly intense or informative on the extreme nuances that spawn the reality of person with borderline but awesome, awesome front line info on better understanding it a bit and great tools to deal with situations you see. Worth every bit of the read if that helps.

Thank you, that does give me hope. I hope it's not too late with her. We haven't talked in two days, but she started playing those mobile games on her phone now with me. We haven't said anything, but I think it's her way of starting interaction again. I've played back so she would know I'm not ignoring her but I haven't texted or called. From what I've read so far it's important to not give her a sense of rejection, so I've played back and left it on her terms to come to me. I'm not sure at what point I'll send her a text and say hi. When she cheated on me last time and everything came out, she left my key at my place while I was at work and took all the stuff she left here and she hasn't done that this time so I'm hoping its not over.

To answer your question, I do question my sense of reality and judgment constantly. It feels like an emotional hell where I know I said such-and-such, but she's telling me I said something completely different. I can be looking at a text I send and she insists it said something different, but I'm looking at it right in front of me. I feel like I'm going crazy and like I'm a monster that's ruining our relationship and hurting her. I've gone as far as to hand my phone to a couple female friends and ask them to read our text-fights and they've both told me that she's emotionally abusing me and that I'm not crazy. I don't think she's doing it on purpose though. And it doesn't even help when my friends tell me that it's not me and at yeah I sounded like an ******* once or twice since we got back together but that it wasn't snything major and it was after she personally attacked me. I still feel like there's SOMETHING I could do to make things right and that is really is my fault. That maybe I subconciously meant what I said a different way and she knew that and I'm crazy.

She told me last week she wanted a baby and I was perfect. This week she says I'm controlling and disappears. When we broke up she told everyone I was stalking her even though I never once contacted her, but she had messages passed to me from other people that I ignored. Then she showed up at my door and begged for forgiveness and said she didn't remember what she told other people about me because she was a wreck emotionally.

I do appreciate your advice and I will read it again and again. I'm tasking in any advice I can on how to improve this situation because I promised to stay with her no matter what and I do love her and still believe it can work if I just learn how to manage her like it sounds like you did for your wife.