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Author Topic: Why treat the ones who love them the most so horribly?  (Read 893 times)
Cat Familiar
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #30 on: January 22, 2015, 09:00:26 AM »

Just as a heads up this feeling of not making any headway a lot of the time is just perception. You learn a lot, you see BPD in shadows were previously you could not see at all. The problem seems to get bigger the more you know.

This does not mean you are not making progress. at times it pays to do a reality progress check just to reaffirm you are still travelling forward.

As I started learning more about BPD, my T shared a metaphor about red cars. When you buy a red car, then suddenly everywhere you look, you see red cars.

I didn't think I was getting obsessed about seeing my H's BPD in every behavior, but I thought I'd entertain the thought that I had a BPD filter on my reality glasses. Instead, it seemed like a big learning curve for me to really try to understand what BPD is all about and how to manage a relationship with a pwBPD.

It was like experiencing some of the stages of grief: I was profoundly angry; I felt like a victim (why me, again?); I felt incredible grief; I felt very alone; I felt very empty.

Now I'm noticing when my seemingly innocuous comments start "setting him off" and I can backtrack and use the tools and redirect the interaction. But I don't feel like I'm in a partnership. I think it was Mie, in another thread who suggested being in a relationship with a pwBPD is like having "an exotic pet". Being the animal lover I am, with my menagerie of animals of various species, this unfortunately seems accurate.

I grieve that I don't have a relationship of equals. This sounds really bad to state in words, but that's how it feels. In so many ways, he's superior to me intellectually, but on an emotional level, he's a toddler. I can't fully be myself without monitoring my language, my body language, my facial expressions.

I miss not being able to just be my snarky self, like I can be with some of my girlfriends. Some silly comment I might make could send him into a dysregulated state for a day or two. With other people, they laugh and shoot one back at me. I miss not being able to just have fun and be goofy.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

MaroonLiquid
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1294


« Reply #31 on: January 22, 2015, 11:11:56 AM »

Just as a heads up this feeling of not making any headway a lot of the time is just perception. You learn a lot, you see BPD in shadows were previously you could not see at all. The problem seems to get bigger the more you know.

This does not mean you are not making progress. at times it pays to do a reality progress check just to reaffirm you are still travelling forward.

As I started learning more about BPD, my T shared a metaphor about red cars. When you buy a red car, then suddenly everywhere you look, you see red cars.

I didn't think I was getting obsessed about seeing my H's BPD in every behavior, but I thought I'd entertain the thought that I had a BPD filter on my reality glasses. Instead, it seemed like a big learning curve for me to really try to understand what BPD is all about and how to manage a relationship with a pwBPD.

It was like experiencing some of the stages of grief: I was profoundly angry; I felt like a victim (why me, again?); I felt incredible grief; I felt very alone; I felt very empty.

Now I'm noticing when my seemingly innocuous comments start "setting him off" and I can backtrack and use the tools and redirect the interaction. But I don't feel like I'm in a partnership. I think it was Mie, in another thread who suggested being in a relationship with a pwBPD is like having "an exotic pet". Being the animal lover I am, with my menagerie of animals of various species, this unfortunately seems accurate.

I grieve that I don't have a relationship of equals. This sounds really bad to state in words, but that's how it feels. In so many ways, he's superior to me intellectually, but on an emotional level, he's a toddler. I can't fully be myself without monitoring my language, my body language, my facial expressions.

I miss not being able to just be my snarky self, like I can be with some of my girlfriends. Some silly comment I might make could send him into a dysregulated state for a day or two. With other people, they laugh and shoot one back at me. I miss not being able to just have fun and be goofy.

I feel you on this.  There are times where I'm myself with my wife, say something funny, she'll laugh and it's no big deal (even tell me that she loves my sense of humor), and then there are times where she will tell me how judgemental and inappropriate I am.  It's a crapshoot.  I think it all depends on how she is feeling with herself at the moment. 
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ColdEthyl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 2 years
Posts: 1277


« Reply #32 on: January 22, 2015, 01:20:51 PM »

Yes, boundaries are important in every relationship. However, I think that two people with healthy boundaries don't need to constantly defend them as they aren't constantly stomping over each other's boundaries, and if they do step over a boundary, they learn not to.

This the demoralizing aspect. You think you have something finally nailed, then one day up it pops again as though it has never been addressed before

EXACTLY! There is never any resolution.

Never say never   Also, this is precisely the reason that it's asked over and over on the Staying board, "Can you live with this, without trying to change the other person to suit your ideals?"  Are you in this relationship because you're choosing to be?  Or for some other reason?  Are you attached to their potential?  Or do you love and care about this person as they are, warts and all?

All of us are going to get frustrated, tired and worn out. We are human. These relationships are a lot of hard work and commitment from us nons as well as the pwBPD. My husband doesn't like thinking or feeling the way he does... .and we work together on it. As long as we are both working together on it... .I can do this.
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PaintedBlack28
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Posts: 89


« Reply #33 on: January 25, 2015, 12:19:34 PM »

Can anyone help me make sense of this craziness? I am not interested in recycling the relationship when he returns, but there are kids involved

I just need some perspective from my BPD family. Can they really not help but to bite the hand that feeds them? Really? Even when a little child is involved? How can this be?

Get social services involved. The child is not safe. Neither are you. Please take care. You are there for him and the child, who is there for you? What about you?
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hope2727
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1210



« Reply #34 on: January 25, 2015, 02:28:10 PM »

Fair enough on the "never say never". :-) I should have expressed myself more accurately. I would like to have resolution once a topic is addressed. In my relationship with my ex Fiancee I found this far that often the topic is resolved only to have the conversation denied later. I admire the people who do manage to achieve resolution.  I love my ex and pray for him daily.  I have accepted he is not a part of my life at the moment but wish it could be different. So I will keep working on me and lie my life and see what the universe has in store. Meanwhile I learn so much from all of you. Thank you for inspiring me to stay strong.
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