saintjude
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 16
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« on: January 18, 2015, 11:57:35 PM » |
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First off, I'm incredibly grateful for this site. I've been reading countless stories that felt like pages out of my own journal, and have found it so helpful... .particularly in de-personalizing. Many thanks to those that contribute.
So I've been married for 15 years and been separated from my BPD soon to be ex for a little over two months. So many parallels between my and many others stories.
We began dating and ,as many of you did, sped along to talking about marriage within a few months. She desperately wanted to get married after just a few months, but I declined. Her family lived over seas and it felt important to include them in on the process, so we married with a celebration and family blessings about a year after we began dating. Nothing seemed particularly unusual during the majority of the dating/engagement time other than a few relatively brief meltdowns which I chalked up to stress or her being a sensitive person. She had a troubled past and I wanted more time for us to grow. We clicked. It was wonderful and exciting. I was independent and had lived on my own since I was 17, and while she seemed a little immature at times, she was fairly young (early 20's-I was mid 20's). Little hints of "out of site, out of mind" became evident as well. This would continue for the duration of our relationship.
Within a few months something was clearly wrong. Complete meltdowns that involved verbal abuse and sometimes throwing things. Not consistent in pattern, just appearing at seemingly random times. She was always regretful after. We fought hard sometimes, but also fully enjoyed each other and had some wonderful times. The majority was great. Although I see now she lived with troubles and challenges I was unaware of.
After a year we moved for me to finish school and things began to unravel. Within a few months she had relapsed into her eating disorder that had plagued her since high school. It seemed to have been resolved for a couple of years, but she lost weight and became secretive and withdrawn. Her secretiveness was very unsettling. Particularly with boundaries with other men. I remember asking her if she still believed in and felt the commitment to stay faithful, and she exploded on me and refused to answer the question. That was a turning point for my trust. We saw a therapist, and that seemed to help, at least for the larger crisis issues. 'Til death do us part and all that.
I finished school and we moved again for her to get her masters in family counseling. She is a brilliant therapist. Again, it was an exciting time and most of it was pretty great. Again, really enjoying each other as people and having great chemistry, but in the back of my mind I began to feel confused and have questions about my ability to really trust and that there was more going on with her internally than I knew.
Next two years things are pretty good. Really enjoyed the new city we were living in and it was an adventure. Meeting new friends and growing. Somewhere around here things changed. On a dime.
She came home bawling saying she had to tell me something. She had kissed a guy at a bar after purposefully not wearing her wedding ring. She was remorseful and cried to me all night. I took care and comforted her. (a BIG tell as to the dynamic of our relationship back then and my codependence) More therapy. Things improve a bit. Again, at least for the crisis issues.
A year later I find out she's contacted her ex boyfriend and they're having an emotional affair while she's doing the same with a guy from school. I about lost it. The pain of that kind of betrayal was nearly unbearable. I find out right before anything physical happens and she says, "I don't think I loved you, I felt pressured into marrying you, etc.". I respond with, "Ok, that breaks my heart, but I don't want t be married to someone who doesn't love me, and you shouldn't want to be married to someone you don't love. We can end it." She flips out, cries her eyes out again and says she's broken and doesn't know what she's saying. More therapy. This time she is diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and gets on meds. This is enough for me to chalk it up to a chemical imbalance (I don't know about BPD yet) and to give it another go. More therapy. Individual and marriage.
Two years later she has a couple of rough life crisis and has a horrible manic episode. The worst. Stops taking meds, runs away from Drs, family, and friends with a guy from high school that she had been having an online affair with. Police are involved. Its awful. Amazing friends have intervention and we get her checked into rehab. She has an affair with a guy in rehab. Turns out she's an alcoholic and on meds that are making everything worse. I'm planning divorce, but after a weekend of going through our things together and her grief ridden about losing the marriage and all she's done to destroy it I agree to just separate and see what happens. She's sober now and on the "right" meds. Perhaps that was the problem all along? 1 year separation and we move back in together.
The next four years are pretty great. She's sober and mostly balanced. Things improving greatly although I still struggle with her complete lack of empathy and a very, very one sided partnership. Things are greatly improved, but granted the bar was pretty low.
Out of the blue 6 months ago she says she doesn't know if she can be married. She's too broken. There is no one for her but me, she destroys everything, is too broken, etc. I told her I'd separate for a small amount of time, but that I couldn't have a marriage like this any more. Waking up every morning for the other shoe to drop. After a month of LC she pleads with me to move back home, makes 12 step amends and is ready for a life again. She gets a matching tattoo I already had symbolic of her commitment. More therapy. (4th therapist we've had that has referenced "at least BPD traits if not more"
One month later/3 months ago it starts all over again and she wants a separation, looking for apartments citing the same reasons. Her eating disorder is back, she's too broken, etc. I told her that was not what I wanted, it was her choice, but that I would file for divorce. She moved, I filed... .(after a month of complete shock). She begged me to reconsider for nearly two months. Every visit was her lamenting the damage she inflicted and saying she was holding hope for both of us still, etc. I told her I couldn't base my decisions on her words because her words and actions don't line up, but that I of course love her, but this is making me crazy. She said she would prove it, etc... .then bam... .Blocked on social, cold, and my friends have seen her around town with another guy. I've gone NC for nearly a month with the exception of pragmatic things like health insurance, taxes, etc. and those are very business. I've read enough here to know that no good will come of breaking that and to prepare myself that I will likely have no closure. At least with her. (btw this site and others stories have helped me brace for what has ended up coming next... .almost to a T, painted black, the replacement, etc) I'm in therapy and doing my best to take care of myself. The time consuming project of cleaning up the wreckage financially, selling the house, new insurance, etc. is rough. I feel emotionally like when your arm falls asleep. Its numb, but kinda buzzy at the same time. I don't think I'll know the toll its taking until the clouds break. I've been conditioned for chaos to be the norm. My compass needs to get reset.
The strange thing is that 80% of the time things were lovely. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and her encouragement at times has shaped me to to what I love occupationally. I wish it was either/or, but its both/and. I am heartbroken beyond what ,at times, feels bearable; some days are better than others. The tragedy is that you could spend a year designing and crafting a beautiful piece of furniture only to smash it to bits in a few moments. It doesn't matter much how good the good is if the bad is so destructive.
Thanks for the opportunity to share. I am so grateful that I feel less crazy due to the folks here that have shared their stories. I have gained so much from the heartache of others. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but your struggles have not been a waste... .at least to me. Thank you truly.
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