I need help with my BPD husband

[Adeleine]

Hi my name is Adeleine and I married my BPD husband in July last year. Since then things have gone downhill. He has had no meds for 5 years and hasn't had therapy for around 6 years. Things have gotten really bad over the last 5-6 weeks. He barely talks to me, rarely comes home and has been doing things to make me think that he is cheating on me even though I know deep down that he isn't but he has now planted the seed in my head so now that is all that I can think about. This time he's been gone for 2 days and when he left he gave me a kiss and said he wouldn't be long. He hasn't come home. That was Saturday night and today is Monday. He was a heavy alcoholic and drug user before he was diagnosed 8 years ago but hasn't touched anything since. On his good days he is the most loving and caring husband I could ever ask for but recently it's like someone has flipped a switch. He won't answer my texts, won't answer the phone to me and even turns his phone off so that I can't get through to him at all. He is however still texting a few of his friends. We didn't have an argument before he left so I don't understand what it is that I have done? I love him more than anything and I just want my loving caring husband back that texts me umpteen times a day just to tell me that he loves me. When he's home and I tell him that I love him he just mumbles. He let's me cuddle him but we haven't been intimate properly for over a month now (which is also fuelling my 'if you're not getting it from me then where are you getting it from' seed) I feel so lost without him, well being him, really. I just don't know what I can do to get him to come back to me. Does anyone have any suggestions? I can't talk to my friends about it because they don't understand BPD and they will just call him names and say he is treating me badly and that I should leave him but that's the last thing that I want to do! He's not a bad person.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 



I'm glad you have found us.  I think we can do a lot to help you sort through you feelings about the relationship. 

I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now.  Being in a r/s (relationship) with people that display traits of BPD can be very frustrating.

Please look to the right of the screen... .do you see "the lessons"... .please read them.

couple things.

So... .do you have a formal diagnosis of BPD?  Do you know this... or have you just been told this?

Have you asked him to return for treatment and he has said no?  Has this been talked about at all?

Have you read about "push pull" type behavior from people that have traits of BPD?

My guess is that is one of the "cycles" that is going on here.  He is avoiding you... .and so you "chase" him more.

Do you think that is going on? Have there been other times when he texted less... and you texted more... .when he "cuddled" less... .and you pushed for cuddling more?

Tell me about those times... .how long ago... .how often?

Hang in there... .I think we can help!

[Adeleine]

 Oh my god thank you so much! I'm crying here at the thought that someone understands!

I've just had a quick look through the lessons and nodded all the way through!


So... .do you have a formal diagnosis of BPD?  Do you know this... or have you just been told this?

Formal diagnosis, he was in a mental health hospital for 2 years

Have you asked him to return for treatment and he has said no?  Has this been talked about at all?

I have suggested treatment but he says he doesn't need it

Have you read about "push pull" type behavior from people that have traits of BPD?

Is that the 'I hate you, don't leave me' behaviour?

My guess is that is one of the "cycles" that is going on here.  He is avoiding you... .and so you "chase" him more.

Do I chase? I don't want him to think that I'm giving up on him, I'd never do that

Do you think that is going on? Have there been other times when he texted less... and you texted more... .when he "cuddled" less... .and you pushed for cuddling more?

There have been a few odd days over the last 5-6 months where he has texted/communicated less but nothing like this. He's a very 'cuddly' person, always wanted a 'cuddle' all the time and thinking about it now I have told him no quite a few times and looking now he's feeling rejected? But that was longer ago than this episode. Maybe 3 months ago and his 'cuddleness' towards me has dwindled since. I don't think that he is cheating on me, every site I looked to for reference before I found this one keeps going on about BPDs being sexually permiscuious which makes me think the worst.

Hang in there... .I think we can help!

I hope so, it's like a piece of me is missing

[formflier]

Oh my god thank you so much! I'm crying here at the thought that someone understands!

I've just had a quick look through the lessons and nodded all the way through!

This is good... .please post some thoughts over here about the parts of the lessons that you thought really applied to your situation.  Especially if there are parts where you think you may need to change doing something in order to help the r/s.

I have suggested treatment but he says he doesn't need it

So... .did he say yes or no?  Or did he avoid giving a clear... .direct answer.   Right now... probably not a good time to "push" him to get back in treatment.  There are some threads and lessons about helping your loved one get into treatment... .or get back into treatment.  I think those would be great for you to take a good look at... . 

Is that the 'I hate you, don't leave me' behaviour?\

Yes... .basically the same thing.  Do you think this could be one of those cycles?  Have you seen those cycles before?

Do I chase? I don't want him to think that I'm giving up on him, I'd never do that

So... .do you "chase" after him?  Can you see how he might see your behavior as "chasing"?  I want to make sure I understand the dynamic correctly before offering any advice.

There have been a few odd days over the last 5-6 months where he has texted/communicated less but nothing like this. He's a very 'cuddly' person, always wanted a 'cuddle' all the time and thinking about it now I have told him no quite a few times and looking now he's feeling rejected? But that was longer ago than this episode. Maybe 3 months ago and his 'cuddleness' towards me has dwindled since. I don't think that he is cheating on me, every site I looked to for reference before I found this one keeps going on about BPDs being sexually permiscuious which makes me think the worst.

I would really hope that you can try to reign in "thinking the worst" and focus on his actual behavior... .vice what may or may not be going on in his head.

Here is the thing... .you can observe behavior... you can make decisions about behavior... . 

Can you make decisions about what he may be thinking?  What happens if you make a decision and take action based on what he may be thinking... .and he was actually thinking something else?

I hope so, it's like a piece of me is missing

I totally understand what you are saying... .

You mentioned it feeling good to find a place that understands... .we do understand.  I understand... .unfortunately I understand all too well.

I can also tell you that my r/s with my wife is dramatically better.  Dramatically... .and it is still getting better.

Much of the credit for that goes to things that I have learned on this site... .guidance that I have been given.

You have done well to find this place... .!  Keep coming back.

Can you tell me about your support system IRL?  (In Real Life)

[Adeleine]

Sorry I have to type it out like this I'm on my phone and don't want to miss out anything that you asked

This is good... .please post some thoughts over here about the parts of the lessons that you thought really applied to your situation.  Especially if there are parts where you think you may need to change doing something in order to help the r/s

I'm still reading through them in between sorting my son out and running off upstairs to cry a bit more

So... .did he say yes or no?  Or did he avoid giving a clear... .direct answer.   Right now... probably not a good time to "push" him to get back in treatment.  There are some threads and lessons about helping your loved one get into treatment... .or get back into treatment.  I think those would be great for you to take a good look at

He didn't give a clear yes or no, I said (which I now know from here that I shouldn't of) I think you need to go back to therapy or get back on some meds (it was in the heat of an argument so it wasn't said. In a conserved and loving way either) and his response was "oh ___ing really!" Followed by the classic "I'm fine" and "I'm ok"

Yes... .basically the same thing.  Do you think this could be one of those cycles?  Have you seen those cycles before?

I've never experienced anything like this before, perhaps a mini version like that lasted a few hours but this has been going on for weeks. I'm not ashamed to say that when it's happened before I've text him lots of grovelling messages about how much I love him and how I'm sorry for whatever I've done to trigger him and he's come home after a few hours.

So... .do you "chase" after him?  Can you see how he might see your behavior as "chasing"?  I want to make sure I understand the dynamic correctly before offering any advice.

By chase I mean do I keep texting him, calling him, trying to get through to him. I keep thinking that this is one of his 'tests'. If my car was working I'd drive around and try to find him, I'm going out of my mind

I would really hope that you can try to reign in "thinking the worst" and focus on his actual behavior... .vice what may or may not be going on in his head.

Here is the thing... .you can observe behavior... you can make decisions about behavior... . 

Can you make decisions about what he may be thinking?  What happens if you make a decision and take action based on what he may be thinking... .and he was actually thinking something else?

I can't, you're right. I'm just guessing and reading too much into things. I can't decide what he's thinking, right now I'm not sure he even knows

Can you tell me about your support system IRL?  (In Real Life)

Real life support? Zero. Nothing.

[formflier]

Sorry I have to type it out like this I'm on my phone and don't want to miss out anything that you asked

Does your SO know that you have found this site... .or that you are doing "research" about BPD?  I would not bring it up for a long time... .if ever.  Take steps to make sure this is not discovered.  Most of the time it doesn't go well when it is discovered. 

I wanted to mention this so you can think about security on your phone.

I'm still reading through them in between sorting my son out and running off upstairs to cry a bit more

Keep reading... .and keep letting your feelings and tears flow.  Please don't take action on your feelings... .let them flow... .sit with your feelings... .see if you get any insight about where those feelings are coming from... .what do they say about your values and who you are as a person.

(which I now know from here that I shouldn't of) 

This is wonderful that you are connecting lessons to what happened!   

What should have you done?

  I'm not ashamed to say that when it's happened before I've text him lots of grovelling messages about how much I love him and how I'm sorry for whatever I've done to trigger him and he's come home after a few hours.

Why are you ashamed to say this? 

By chase I mean do I keep texting him, calling him, trying to get through to him. I keep thinking that this is one of his 'tests'. If my car was working I'd drive around and try to find him, I'm going out of my mind

Yes... .I define that as chasing... . 

I can't, you're right. I'm just guessing and reading too much into things. I can't decide what he's thinking, right now I'm not sure he even knows

Not even sure he knows what?

Instead of guessing and reading too much into things... what should you be doing?

Real life support? Zero. Nothing.

What is your plan to get a support system in real life? 

Did you use to have a support system?

[Adeleine]

I should have sat back and listened to what he was saying without retaliating. He knows that I do lots of research and often throws it back in my face saying "just because you've read a few books and talked to a few people you think that you know it all!" (Which is not the case at all)

I'm not ashamed to say it, I believe that it's what he needed at the time.

So do I continue to 'chase' him?

I'm not sure that he knows what's going on in his head.

To be honest, I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, my heads all over the place, I don't know what he wants me to do  

[Adeleine]

And I don't know where to start with real life support, there's no one who understands

[MissyM]

And I don't know where to start with real life support, there's no one who understands

You said that he had a drinking problem in the past, so my suggestion would be to try Alanon.  Behaviors of addicts don't change when they just stop drinking, without doing recovery work.  Alanon is great for helping me change my part of the dance.

[formflier]

And I don't know where to start with real life support, there's no one who understands

Have you ever done any kind of therapy... .or gone to any 12 step programs... .or done any "group work".

Do you have a regular doctor?  Someone that you go to for physicals and all that?

[Adeleine]

He hasn't had a drink for over 8 years now, hasn't touched a drop

I do have a regular doctor, she's nice. I've had therapy and antidepressants before, that was years before I met my husband though. Although this past 5-6 weeks has made me think that I'll end up back on them but I'm trying my hardest not to. I've never heard of a 12 step program or any group work, I'm in the UK, would that benefit me if I could find some?

[formflier]

I should have sat back and listened to what he was saying without retaliating. He knows that I do lots of research and often throws it back in my face saying "just because you've read a few books and talked to a few people you think that you know it all!" (Which is not the case at all)

Whatever you can do to stop discussing research... books... .or things that "you know"... .is probably good. 

Does he know that you are doing research on BPD?

I'm not ashamed to say it, I believe that it's what he needed at the time.

I apologize... .I just realized I misread what you had said.  I thought you mentioned that you were ashamed to say it... .and you clearly said you weren't. 

OK... .have you read about this in the lessons?  Do you think you should have sent him lots of messages about how much you loved him?

So do I continue to 'chase' him?

What do you think the lessons advise?  Now that you have gotten a small flavor of what is "emotionally healthy"... .what do you think is best choice.

Do you think it is healthy for you to "grovel" for someone that has run away from you?

Do you think that this "groveling" could reinforce his behavior... .could make him more likely to run away again... .?  Explain your answers some... .

I'm not sure that he knows what's going on in his head.

Very likely this is true. 

Which means it is all the more important that you know what is going on in your head... and that you are making healthy choices.

To be honest, I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, my heads all over the place, I don't know what he wants me to do  

Do you think he knows what he wants you to do?

What do you think your life would look like if you made choices about what is emotionally healthy to do... .instead of what another person may or may not want you to do?

[formflier]

He hasn't had a drink for over 8 years now, hasn't touched a drop

This is good... .

I do have a regular doctor, she's nice. I've had therapy and antidepressants before, that was years before I met my husband though. 

I'll let others respond about groups and 12 step programs... .

My advice... .call and get an appointment with your doctor.  How long since you have had a regular checkup?  How long since you have had cholesterol checked?    Had a full workup?

Do you exercise regularly?

Back to my advice... .get an appointment... .get a full workup... .ask your doctor what you can change in your life... you diet... .to get yourself healthier.

Let your doctor know that you are involved in a r/s with a person with BPD... .and that you would like to go see a therapist to help work through those challenges.

Does this sound like a plan?  Can you think of a better one?

[Adeleine]

He's just come home! But he said he feels like he doesn't want to be alive right now  what can I do? Can I do anything to lift him up?

[formflier]

He's just come home! But he said he feels like he doesn't want to be alive right now  what can I do? Can I do anything to lift him up?

This is good that he is home... .

Validate his feelings... .don't agree with them.

don't try to "talk him out" of his feelings.

"Those feelings are certainly troubling... ." is one way to let him know you hear... .and validate that he is troubled.

"I would be troubled if I had those feelings... ."  expresses empathy

Maybe bring him a glass of ice water... .ask what he would like for dinner.

If he grumbles... .or says he doesn't feel like dinner... .

"I'm sorry you feel that way... ."  "I'll going to go work on dinner for me... .I'll check in with you in 30 minutes or so... I hope you can get some rest... ."

Do you get the idea... .?

[ColdEthyl]

He's just come home! But he said he feels like he doesn't want to be alive right now  what can I do? Can I do anything to lift him up?

Hello and welcome, MrsKirby! I'm glad he made it home! Once my dBPDh was gone all day and I was freaking out (before I knew it was BPD) He wasn't answering his phone, and my car was broke down. Even if it wasn't... .I had no idea where to look. He came in without shoes on his feet and a broken finger. He had gotten into an argument with a friend, bumped his truck into a fire hydrant, parked it and walked 12 miles home. His feet started to blister so he walked in the snow barefoot for who know how long.

He was upset, crying, felt like dying etc etc etc. He frequently feels depressed... .doesn't want to live, doesn't feel worth anything, etc etc.

The best thing to do is S. and E. I wouldn't recommend T as this time (truth)

Sympathize: "I'm so sorry you are feeling badly"

Empathize: "It must be hard to feel that way"


Has he told you where he has been when he's gone? What he is doing? My main concern here if his behavior is a huge change from normal, there might be a bigger reason for his dysregulation. I wouldn't ask him at this time. It's important right now to be supportive.

[Adeleine]

I validated his feelings, I made him dinner and he are it, we had normal conversations, we watched a film, we went to bed and he got up with a dicky belly and went to the shop to get something for it and he's still not back? In hindsight I should have gone for him but I didn't think of that at the time  I know he'll be back at some point in the next couple of hours because there is someone coming to buy my broken car (which he decided that he was selling when he came back yesterday evening). I am going to try and get an appointment with my GP for next week (it's a nightmare to get an appointment here even if your leg is hanging off )

I asked him how come he turned his phone off, he said it was because he kept getting loads of messages come through and it was annoying him. I asked if it was me and he said it was a couple of our friends too. So I know for next time to stop being an insecure crazy lady and just let him ride it out. I'll still worry about him though and I'll always want him home with me but I need to put my crap aside and think about him and what he's going through. I'm not sure where he goes, he says he just drives around and pulls over every now and then for a sleep. I don't believe that at all. If he'd been doing that for 48 hours there would be no fuel left in the van because he has no money to put more in.

The main reason I can think of is that we have money issues. We're down £1400 (around $2800 a month) and I know that it's really getting to him. Hell, it's getting to me too but I can't do anything about it at the moment so I just have to 'suck it up'

I do a bit of light exercise and I've dropped 11kg in the last month or so, I'm working on that my diet is now very good (hence the weight coming down)

I've never had a full work up, is that like a human mot?  I don't think I've ever had my cholesterol checked either

[formflier]

So I know for next time to stop being an insecure crazy lady and just let him ride it out. 

For now... that is good.  Eventually... you will most likely not want to make the homecomings warm and friendly... .not that you want to be mean.

But... you want a clear link between good behavior and nice meals... .inviting sexy wife to be with.

If you disappear and don't let your wife know where you are... .you probably will get PB&J when you get home. 

As he just missed a wonderful dinner... .she should have called... . 

Does this make sense?  Don't tell him this... just do it.

[Adeleine]

Haha it sounds like rewarding a puppy when it goes potty in the right place

[Adeleine]

I understand what you're saying though. My thoughts were that if I was the nice, non moody wife then it'll make him want to come home perhaps? I'm guessing that's the wrong way to think though seeing as I haven't seen him since 11am and it's now 8:15pm

[Mike-X]

I am sorry to hear about all that you have gone through. There were a couple of things in your thread that moved me to post a reply. Maybe I have misread or misinterpreted them, and if so, I apologize.

I asked him how come he turned his phone off, he said it was because he kept getting loads of messages come through and it was annoying him. I asked if it was me and he said it was a couple of our friends too. So I know for next time to stop being an insecure crazy lady and just let him ride it out. I'll still worry about him though and I'll always want him home with me but I need to put my crap aside and think about him and what he's going through. I'm not sure where he goes, he says he just drives around and pulls over every now and then for a sleep. I don't believe that at all. If he'd been doing that for 48 hours there would be no fuel left in the van because he has no money to put more in.

I certainly understand your feeling like you need to "stop being an insecure crazy lady" and put your "crap aside and think about him and what he is going through," because I have felt that way many times with my girlfriend. However, your husband has engaged in some behaviors here, disappearing for days and all, that are not respectful of your feelings and the relationship.

I feel that your insecurity is justifiable given that he just vanished and wasn't responding to your texts and calls. You had no idea what might have happened to him, and a response from him, even something "saying that I need time alone... .," could have lessened your worries, fears, etc.

With respect to putting your crap aside, your "crap" is important. You are a partner in the relationship and deserve equal respect in the relationship. Your feelings are just as important as his. I put my crap aside many times, and looking back, I feel as though I was an enabler of the craziness and a co-dependent caretaker who was afraid at times to express my feelings, concerns, and desires in the relationship.

Again, I am sorry to hear about all that you have gone through. There is lots of good information in the lessons and the threads and good caring people on the Website that will hopefully help you to improve your relationship with your husband and help you to preserve your mental health and inner strength.

[formflier]

Haha it sounds like rewarding a puppy when it goes potty in the right place

Yeah... .sort of.  Basically... .reinforce positive behavior... .don't reinforce bad behavior.

[formflier]

I understand what you're saying though. My thoughts were that if I was the nice, non moody wife then it'll make him want to come home perhaps? I'm guessing that's the wrong way to think though seeing as I haven't seen him since 11am and it's now 8:15pm

I would describe the way you need to act when he comes home as "even"... ."direct"... ."clear"... "unaccommodating"

Sorry... .dinner is over.  Since I didn't hear from you I cooked, ate, and have cleaned up. 

He knows were fridge is... .he will get the message.

On days when he does good... coordinates schedule... .all that.  Please make him a nice spread to eat.

Again... he will figure it out.

[Adeleine]

I will. I just hope that he doesn't take it the wrong way and think that I don't care or that I have given up on him

[formflier]

I feel that your insecurity is justifiable given that he just vanished and wasn't responding to your texts and calls. You had no idea what might have happened to him, and a response from him, even something "saying that I need time alone... .," could have lessened your worries, fears, etc.

Yes... .it is justifiable... and proper.  But the real question is... will that help in any way... to display that insecurity around a pwBPD.

With respect to putting your crap aside, your "crap" is important. You are a partner in the relationship and deserve equal respect in the relationship. Your feelings are just as important as his. I put my crap aside many times, and looking back, I feel as though I was an enabler of the craziness and a co-dependent caretaker who was afraid at times to express my feelings, concerns, and desires in the relationship.

Very important that you don't "put your crap aside" forever.  The tools and strategies help turn the temp down in the r/s.  Help get people communicating... help get people into therapy.

Also... .a better way to think about this is to "not take it personally"... .vice "put your crap aside".

His leaving... .most likely... .had nothing to do with MrsKirby.  It had everything to do with him and how he deals with his BPD traits.

So... .if something doesn't have anything to do with you... .why worry about it? 

Keep your side of the street clean... .model healthy behavior... .  they will get the message.

[formflier]

I will. I just hope that he doesn't take it the wrong way and think that I don't care or that I have given up on him

Don't worry about how he takes it.  If he asks... be clear in your answer... .ONCE... .then move along.  He heard you.  If he interrupts so much he didn't get the message... that's on him.

Once you have it clear in your head what is the healthy behavior to model... .do it.  They will try to use FOG tactics to get you to change... .don't give in.

Have you read about FOG?

[Adeleine]

Sorry Mike, I've only just seen your post, thanks for taking the time to reply. When I said 'put my crap aside' I meant for now, I don't want to make him feel even worse than he already does.

File, I think I've already surcome to FOG. I used to be pretty messy around the house (not dirty I'm just a bit of a horder and have no storage) he said when he first went off 5-6 weeks ago that he can't like like it anymore, I don't look after myself, the house or him. So I've had a total clear out. There is now only minimal clutter, I'm eating better (already discussed) and I'm doing everything I can for him. He throws in my face that he should have stayed with his ex (she very much mothered him, older woman) that he was with before he met me (they had already split when we met)

It doesn't look like he's coming home again tonight. I'm gonna try your suggestion File, I really hope it works because I'm exhausted from not knowing what to do. I'm not going to text him and beg him to come home. He knows I want him home and he knows that I love him, I don't need to pester him and make things worse to get my point across. In fact, I'm not even going to text him goodnight. I've text him once since he's been gone today at around 7pm just saying that dinner is ready and that's how I'm going to leave it. He's got my number and he knows where we live. If he doesn't want to be here then I can't force him to be, as much as I want to. *sigh*

[formflier]

 

I would do a dinner ready in 15 minutes... .to give him time.

How do you know he is not coming home tonight?

[Adeleine]

He was supposed to meet his friend at the gym and he didn't show up, I just text his friend asking if he was still with him, he was supposed to meet him at 5:45 and it's now 10:30. If he's not home by now then he won't be

[Adeleine]

It's so hard for me to not contact him! He's being like this and he wonders why I think he's up to something! I'm now laying in bed crying (again)