Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:19:04 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I need help with my BPD husband  (Read 689 times)
Mike-X
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2015, 06:06:01 PM »

Sorry Mike, I've only just seen your post, thanks for taking the time to reply. When I said 'put my crap aside' I meant for now, I don't want to make him feel even worse than he already does.

MrsKirby, I was just trying to provide validation that "your" feelings are understandable, in my opinion, and that you shouldn't be hard on yourself for your reactions thus far and shouldn't neglect your own needs, wants, desires, etc. in the relationship.  The lessons and people on the board (like formflier) will hopefully provide you with the support, understanding, and tools necessary to get through this and remain healthy.  You have done the right thing, in my opinion, by reaching out to this community.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Adeleine

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16


« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2015, 06:21:06 PM »

I agree Mike, my feelings and emotions are totally justified, BPD or no BPD if your spouse just sods off for days on end no one can just shut off, as much as I wish I could

I think that by me being a bit hard on myself it's my way of maybe teaching myself on how to react to his behaviour? I don't know? I feel like I know very little about anything right now if I'm honest. I've never been one to back down from an argument and what I've been learning on here for the past couple of days is that I need to change and deal with things differently than I always have in order to make my relationship work. My attitude has always been that I'm not the one with the disorder so it's not my problem which it would seem is what has been causing the problem that is in fact actually, my problem? Does that make sense?
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2015, 10:37:11 AM »

I think that by me being a bit hard on myself it's my way of maybe teaching myself on how to react to his behaviour? I don't know? I feel like I know very little about anything right now if I'm honest. I've never been one to back down from an argument and what I've been learning on here for the past couple of days is that I need to change and deal with things differently than I always have in order to make my relationship work. My attitude has always been that I'm not the one with the disorder so it's not my problem which it would seem is what has been causing the problem that is in fact actually, my problem? Does that make sense?

Labeling people or disorders... .is usually not helpful.  It is a relationship... .both sides need to give.

pwBPD tend to be less flexible than "nons".  I believe that this gives "nons" more power... .because they possess the power to change... which will force the pwBPD to change.

Listen... .backing down from a fight is not a sign of weakness.  I'm a military guy... winning every battle is not important.  Winning the war is. 

If backing down is the smart... .tactical thing to do... and it fits in with the long term plan for the r/s... .then back down.

If the issue is a value/boundary that you have decided not to budge on... .don't budge.

Logged

Adeleine

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16


« Reply #33 on: January 21, 2015, 11:23:37 AM »

Ok so he came home this morning. I had to ask him outright if he was seeing someone else, he said no, he wouldn't do that. I needed to ask the question for my peace of mind because that would be a severe boundary breaker. I'm sure that I wouldn't end the relationship over it but it would break my heart. I'm obviously happy with his answer to the question.

He admitted that he didn't meet his friend at the gym yesterday (he doesn't know that I've spoken to him) so I'm glad that he didn't lie to me. He's just gone to meet his friend at the gym and I said to him to tell me if he's not coming home because I wouldn't bother to do dinner and waste food if he wasn't. He assured me that he would be home after the gym. I told him to text me when he is almost done and I'll start cooking it. We spent the day together today and we were with a couple of friends, he was acting like his normal happy self and it was so nice to see and to be around him like that. He said that he's staying home tonight but I don't know if he will. I hope he does. Now that he's told me that he's not cheating I can relax a bit when he's not here.

I just want to thank you so much for all your help and advice. You've been an absolute god send to me over the last few days and I'm sure that you will continue to be Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!