jekyll and hyde... i shut down

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just had four days off with my SOwBPD... .who has admitted many times she has anger issues and rage explosions.

These four days were filled with ups and downs. We went out one night and had a great time. On our way home we had a deep conversation for 2 hours filled with honesty and love. She owned up to a lot of her anger episodes that previous day and said she genuinely knew I was sorry for our fight but that she couldn't seem to let it go at that moment. I talked about how I need to work on setting better boundaries. She replied by saying, "Yes you need to work on that. Because when we fight, you become a different person- your glare, your posturing and your words are so foreign to me and I don't know who you are... and i just want to smack you". I admit that I sometimes swing to the other extreme and come across as rude and insensitive. This is usually when I'm burnt out and I want to stand my ground. I do have work to do but I also know that she will always hate when I set boundaries.

Our last day together was filled with turmoil. We have divided up our house chores so that there is no misunderstanding and our house can be ordered and calm. She started getting angry and said, "you know that i absolutely hate doing the cat litter. ive yelled for months but you have done nothing and ignored me for months. any time you do it, it's a favor. but you know that i hate it. im just your maid to do all of the dirty work." fine... .i said, "so let's alternate that chore... ." she replies with, "... .and what took you SO LONG to come up with that solution?" she went on and on and on. more things kept piling up when we arrived home from errands. "and its now 6pm and we are no where done with chores and this is my last day off with you. ill do all of the dirty work and you have tomorrow off by yourself and you'll have a clean house and can do whatever the hell you want... ." 

i completely shut down and just did my chores. she kept grumbling "can you put this stuff in the freezer? what intelligent person doesn't know that?" when i was done she pretty much turned the kitchen upside down and was scrubbing under the sink. she said "you can make yourself useful and find a place for the pot and those champagne glasses and that and that." i quietly helped her and said, "ok... im going to put the glasses there in that cabinet... ." she goes, "i'm not your boss! just do it!"

a few minutes later she started making herself food and started stomping around. "where's the pot?" i pointed to the cabinet and she said, "why didnt you tell me?"

after the tantrum about the chores she decided to make things more personal and say... ."four days off and you couldn't do anything special. you had no plans. you did nothing." and that continued for a few hours.

my replies were just apologies and i didnt mean for us to have a bad night.

we slept by ourselves and she wakes me up as she gets ready for work and says, "... .want to have breakfast with me?" and the entire morning she was calm. hugged me and kissed me and went to work.

i felt so bullied and now i feel so confused. i dont know how this evening will go. i hate how i shut down but it seems like its the only thing i can do to protect myself. anything i say during her anger will be thrown back in my face.

[rise_up]

I just had four days off with my SOwBPD... .who has admitted many times she has anger issues and rage explosions.

These four days were filled with ups and downs. We went out one night and had a great time. On our way home we had a deep conversation for 2 hours filled with honesty and love. She owned up to a lot of her anger episodes that previous day and said she genuinely knew I was sorry for our fight but that she couldn't seem to let it go at that moment. I talked about how I need to work on setting better boundaries. She replied by saying, "Yes you need to work on that. Because when we fight, you become a different person- your glare, your posturing and your words are so foreign to me and I don't know who you are... and i just want to smack you". I admit that I sometimes swing to the other extreme and come across as rude and insensitive. This is usually when I'm burnt out and I want to stand my ground. I do have work to do but I also know that she will always hate when I set boundaries.

Our last day together was filled with turmoil. We have divided up our house chores so that there is no misunderstanding and our house can be ordered and calm. She started getting angry and said, "you know that i absolutely hate doing the cat litter. ive yelled for months but you have done nothing and ignored me for months. any time you do it, it's a favor. but you know that i hate it. im just your maid to do all of the dirty work." fine... .i said, "so let's alternate that chore... ." she replies with, "... .and what took you SO LONG to come up with that solution?" she went on and on and on. more things kept piling up when we arrived home from errands. "and its now 6pm and we are no where done with chores and this is my last day off with you. ill do all of the dirty work and you have tomorrow off by yourself and you'll have a clean house and can do whatever the hell you want... ." 

i completely shut down and just did my chores. she kept grumbling "can you put this stuff in the freezer? what intelligent person doesn't know that?" when i was done she pretty much turned the kitchen upside down and was scrubbing under the sink. she said "you can make yourself useful and find a place for the pot and those champagne glasses and that and that." i quietly helped her and said, "ok... im going to put the glasses there in that cabinet... ." she goes, "i'm not your boss! just do it!"

a few minutes later she started making herself food and started stomping around. "where's the pot?" i pointed to the cabinet and she said, "why didnt you tell me?"

after the tantrum about the chores she decided to make things more personal and say... ."four days off and you couldn't do anything special. you had no plans. you did nothing." and that continued for a few hours.

my replies were just apologies and i didnt mean for us to have a bad night.

we slept by ourselves and she wakes me up as she gets ready for work and says, "... .want to have breakfast with me?" and the entire morning she was calm. hugged me and kissed me and went to work.

i felt so bullied and now i feel so confused. i dont know how this evening will go. i hate how i shut down but it seems like its the only thing i can do to protect myself. anything i say during her anger will be thrown back in my face.

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[EaglesJuju]

Hi Rise-up,

I understand how difficult it is to cope with the Jeckyll and Hyde behavior.   

I can understand how you could shut down.  Do you think that shutting down exacerbated your SO's behavior?

I found that validation/communication tools has helped me in situations similar to yours.  From experience, when I ignored my pwBPD's complaints while doing housework, he became more irritated. He particularly loathes cleaning the bathroom and complained about it profusely. Using communication tools, I have said, "I understand that you do not like cleaning the bathroom, but working together makes the house work easier and quicker. If we finish it together then we will have more time to spend together. Is there something that you would rather do than clean the bathroom?"

Perhaps you could do something similar with your SO? Maybe compromise about the cat litter and trade off that chore, since she hates doing it? Have you tried using communication tools with your SO?  Here is an article on validation that is very helpful. Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it