help how often is good for a young child to be with a BPD father?

[ruth4477]

Hi

I recently moved away from my ex wBPD after abuse and I just couldn't stay anymore. I am now trying to maintain contact for our 4 yr old who I know thinks the world of his dad and vise versa. We agreed that it would be good to keep a routine initially for the sake of our LO, but every time I think we are settled my ex BPD comes along and throws a spanner in the works. I have agreed to him see g him weekly atm, he collects him on a Thursday and brings him home on a Sunday.  I'm just not sure if this is too much for my 4 yr old as he doesn't seem to be settling. I have had to move away from where we normally live because my ex got violent and I do not want him knowing my new address. He collect our LO from my parents who live about 30 mins drive from my house. My ex BPD can't look after our LO on his own as he is a low functioning BPD. His mother has always helped him with our LO while I have always worked. So I really want to just tell him to do one and not let him have our LO at all but I know this is not necessarily best for our LO and need to think of him first. They adore each other and I know my ex would fight me till his last breath for access to him, this is my reason for being so reasonable, also I know what it's like growing up with divorced arguing parents. I just am not sure if every weekend is too much or if I should maybe try something else. He also phone to talk to him every evening, it's like I can't get away from him. He occasionally then start harassing me over the phone and tonight he basically told me that just because I have moved away doesn't mean I will ever be free from him. I feel completely like just giving up or running away and never talking to him again. I know if I took this to court he wouldn't stand a chance but I don't want to be that person. Please help with advise anyone.x

[Turkish]

What's the legal custody status, ruth,.if there is one?

I certainly understand you moving away if your little one's father has been violent. Do you think the nightly calls are hurting or helping? When you say that you can't get the phone away, is it because your 4 year old won't yield it?

That your Ex is making psychological threats against you isn't healthy at all. I hear that you are trying to decide what's best for your LO, but based upon your descriptions, it may not be so simple to think "a child needs his or her father." That your LO has at least one healthy parent, as traumatized as you are, goes a long way, however.

[momtara]

i don't want to be that person either.

What is best for the child?  I know you are also thinking of what is best for your ex.  I have been making that mistake too. 

What do you think?

[momtara]

OK, when I wrote that, I was coming off a nutty exchange with my own ex husband who has BPD and who uses the young kids to make contact with me.

what you have to figure out is whether he poses a danger to your son.  like you, i want to believe the best.  my ex-h also brings the kids to his parents'.  but there is nothing in the court order saying he always must do so - and he'd resent it if i ever put it in there.  so really he could move and i'd have to go to court to try to claim it's a change in circumstances.

how long has he been taking your son thur-sun?  it's hard to decrease parenting time after you've given a lot, but if it's only been a few times with parents, that may be different.  where are you in the divorce?

if he has never hurt your son and you don't think he would, the standard in many places (not all) is anywhere from every other weekend to every other weekend with a wednesday dinner to 50 percent.  i would not recommend 50 percent if he is mentally ill and violent and abusive.  some states try for that if there is no evidence of abuse.

i think you should document.  if he says on the phone you will never be free of him, tape EVERY phone call.  sure, you may never be able to use it, but who knows - and he may say something really bad someday.

i have given my ex the benefit of the doubt and tried to foster a nice relationship and now i am scared every time he takes my young kids.  and hell, courts make it seem like the rights of each parent are more important than the rights of the child at times.  

my ex has our kids saturday to sunday every other week.  so this isn't so bad, but i think someone who is violent can do somethign any time.  on the other hand, what he's done is more emotionally abusive than physically.

you have to 1) separate yourself from your ex emotionally  2) figure out if you think he could endanger your son if he picks him up alone, takes him on vacation alone, etc,. and 3) figure out how to address it now before his parenting becomes status quo.  you can always give him more time later, as your son is older or if a psych exam says he's fit or whatever.  of course, go with your gut.

dealing with BPD exes is pretty hard so i understand how hard it is for you to make a decision, and how hard it is for us to read something like this and be ambivalent because we've all been through similar confusing experiences.  if you tell us more we can probably offer more insight.

just know that you are doing the best you can!  You are doing your best to be a good mom and a non-vindictive ex.  Sometimes, though you can't be 'fair' to an ex who is mentally ill who is watching your children.  you have to only be fair to the child, and diplomatic-seeming with the ex.

now if i can learn to follow my own advice.  

[ruth4477]

Thanks for all that.

He doesn't have him alone, his mother is with him generally, or another member of his family.  When we were together his mum looked after our LO when I was working so they had a close bond, I left to live near my parents, they don't think he should have as much contact with him as he has. I always got on ok with his mum but the night I left I called her for help because she can normally calm him down, and I knew things were getting bad. I had just arrived home from a long day at work and our LO was still at his mum's, they only lived 5 mins around the corner. She normally wouldn't have brought our LO with her when he was like that but for some reason she didn't believe what I was saying and turned up with our LO and then started acting as if everything was normal even though my ex was being verbally abusive towards me. I asked her to take him to hers as I didn't and just couldn't deal with how he was. She refused and basically told me he was my problem.  She argued with me and then refused to leave my house when I asked her saying it wasn't o lying my house. A few names were called and my ex started then and was pushing me and getting right in my face. He then tried shutting me out of the house with my LO in the house with them. I tried pushing my way back in and he trapped me in the door. Anyway things escalated and got worse. The back door got completely broken by him and I ended up calling my parents to come and help me. They live a couple of hours away. I didn't call the police because I didn't want my LO to see all of that he had already seen enough that might and one previous occasions. His mother did eventually take him to hers. They then acted shocked when I left and took the kids to my parents.  They left me bruised and emotionally battered, I couldn't shut my back door and I felt completely vulnerable. I had just had enough of the unpredictability of all of it and his family just influenced me to stay with him all the time because it seems it made their lives easier. So my LO heard and saw everything, I am still getting the questions now and it is a few months down the road. I do not feel anything for my ex. But I do worry about what's best for my LO. I live I  the UK and I have had police involvement before and I was made by him and his family to feel so guilty for getting him arrested that I couldn't deal with it again. That's why I just called my parents I knew what I needed to do. I'm just so unsure about this next part.

[momtara]

It sounds like his parents are not necessarily reliable as far as always doing the right thing, but at least probably wouldn't hurt your LO.  However, don't be seduced into believing that without a court order, they'll always be there to help.  I have made that mistake.  If you have nothing legally saying they have to be there, try to imagine a situation in which they move somewhere for retirement, or they both die, or something else.  How is your LO protected?

Your parents are pressuring you, and they may not know what's best either.  Perhaps there's a professional who can make suggestions?

In any case, don't be too lenient and regret it later.  It can take years to fix a court order or divorce decree that was too weak. 

You can put in it that he takes the kids to your parents house.  You can also put that a change of venue means parenting time is temporarily suspended while you work out a new agreement, or until there's a psych exam, or something else.  Maybe there's a way to say it that's less alarming.

Your overall question is, does he have too much parenting time?  Not sure.  If it's working out for now, it may be ok, but if you have concerns, you may want to reduce it.  If you're in the UK it may be different than here in the US.  Out here, dads sometimes get 50/50, sometimes EOW (every other weekend) and sometimes EOW plus a wednesday dinner.