THE GOOD!
We've started making a much bigger deal out of validating how the children feel. Focus on letting them know they're safe and loved even in the midst of some scary stories. The effect on the children is dramatic. Less fighting. Less whining. Less acting out. Lots and lots of sweet and loving gestures of their own design and timing.
That's great to hear! I was so surprised how fast it worked in my own situation too. If your kids are hearing lies and false accusations, and if you feel like it's appropriate, one thing you can do after validating their feelings is asking them if they believe the things they're hearing are true.
I wasted a lot of time worrying about S13 believing the lies his dad told him. But after reading and learning about validation, and asking questions (this helps kids with a BPD parent learn to trust what they know to be true somewhere inside them), I realized that S13 is, and has always been, incredibly perceptive.
I often just let the question hang. Meaning, I would ask, and S13 would answer. I didn't always give my opinion because I wanted S13 to have a few moments in the sun. For some allegations, it's appropriate to set the record straight, although I'm learning that it's also ok to wait a bit before circling back.
