Kids, new girlfriend and BPDXW

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, Everyone,

Three years after BPDXW began her affair with my replacement and a year after divorce (I divorced her due to her deceit and infidelity), I've met someone whom I've introduced to the kids. They adore her and she them. In fact my seven-year-old daughter doesn't want to stay at her mother's but with me. (Girlfriend is not moving in.)

XW moved in with the replacement five months before our divorce despite my asking her to wait a long time before introducing our children to him. Predictably it has not gone well: he has no kids and our children do not like him and frankly I don't believe he likes our children let alone loves them. There have been many terrible episodes with my eleven year old son resenting his relationship with his mother, stealing from him, threatening suicide if his mother marries him... .(Son is in therapy and on meds)

XW is not reacting well--demanding to meet my girlfriend, and wanting to know the details of my relationship with her... .

I am angry at her hypocrisy but hold my tongue. I have spent a long time alone for the sake of my children and I want this to work. But I know my XW. She will try in subtle insidious ways to sabotage my relationship. Ironically she was always jealous of me even though I was never even flirtatious let alone unfaithful.

She is claiming a "right to know" who is involved with our children's lives. In a normal situation and amicable coparenting relationship this would be acceptable, but we do not have one; our relationship is very acrimonious and I can barely coparent with her. I do not feel that she is respecting my boundaries but am unsure about my approach. Do I take the high road and say, "Sure, you can meet her," or obey my instincts and tell her my relationship is none of their business, our children like her, and to butt out?

What's best for the children is that they are happy in each home and that's all I want. I still harbor a great deal of anger at the replacement, who worked very hard to wreck my family but the bulk of the blame is on my XW. Yet I never say a bad word to the children about their mom of her replacement even though this has not been reciprocated. (Son and daughter both tell me the replacement tells them that I am a horrible father, no doubt due to the lies XW tells him).

Not sure how to navigate this and any thoughts would be appreciated.

[milo1967]

Hi, Everyone,

Three years after BPDXW began her affair with my replacement and a year after divorce (I divorced her due to her deceit and infidelity), I've met someone whom I've introduced to the kids. They adore her and she them. In fact my seven-year-old daughter doesn't want to stay at her mother's but with me. (Girlfriend is not moving in.)

XW moved in with the replacement five months before our divorce despite my asking her to wait a long time before introducing our children to him. Predictably it has not gone well: he has no kids and our children do not like him and frankly I don't believe he likes our children let alone loves them. There have been many terrible episodes with my eleven year old son resenting his relationship with his mother, stealing from him, threatening suicide if his mother marries him... .(Son is in therapy and on meds)

XW is not reacting well--demanding to meet my girlfriend, and wanting to know the details of my relationship with her... .

I am angry at her hypocrisy but hold my tongue. I have spent a long time alone for the sake of my children and I want this to work. But I know my XW. She will try in subtle insidious ways to sabotage my relationship. Ironically she was always jealous of me even though I was never even flirtatious let alone unfaithful.

She is claiming a "right to know" who is involved with our children's lives. In a normal situation and amicable coparenting relationship this would be acceptable, but we do not have one; our relationship is very acrimonious and I can barely coparent with her. I do not feel that she is respecting my boundaries but am unsure about my approach. Do I take the high road and say, "Sure, you can meet her," or obey my instincts and tell her my relationship is none of their business, our children like her, and to butt out?

What's best for the children is that they are happy in each home and that's all I want. I still harbor a great deal of anger at the replacement, who worked very hard to wreck my family but the bulk of the blame is on my XW. Yet I never say a bad word to the children about their mom of her replacement even though this has not been reciprocated. (Son and daughter both tell me the replacement tells them that I am a horrible father, no doubt due to the lies XW tells him).

Not sure how to navigate this and any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Nope]

How does your girlfriend feel about potentially meeting your ex? My DH's second marriage didn't work in large part because his second wife could not handle all of the conflict with the uBPD first wife. She was afraid of his BPDex and the BPDex could smell the fear like a shark smells blood in the water and reacted accordingly.

I think it should be up to your girlfriend what her comfort level is. But an eventual meeting is unavoidable. The more she becomes a part of your life and the kid's lives the more impossible it becomes to shelter her from the hardships of a high conflict co-parent.

[Swiggle]

This situation is much like my DH's ex. He left his uBPDex after he found out about her affair, she started bringing the other man around the kids just a few short weeks after DH had left her. After taking time for himself he started dating but never ever talked about, let alone, introduced the kids to anyone. Then he met me, we were friends for a while before actually dating.

The uBPDex had such and entitlement that when he got an apartment she wanted a key, claiming the kids live there and it is her right. She was not happy when she found out about me and stated I was not to be around her kids. We didn't make it a point for us to meet it just happened one day after we were seriously dating. She was dropping the kids off at his apartment and I walked in with my key. She was livid but do you know she never said one word and I think from that moment she realized that she was no longer in control of him or the situation. She didn't get "better" with me and she has said and done some pretty terrible things to the kids when it comes to me and tries to cause issues but I stand my ground and don't let her get the best of me.

I think it will come down to your gf and the "type" of BPD your ex is. DH's ex might say things to the kids and cause issues but she isn't the violent type and I don't think things would ever escalate like that. I would be open with your gf, if you haven't been already and help prepare her for what she might encounter. DH ignored his ex's threats and rants about anything that had to do with me unless it had to do with the kids. He and I decided what boundaries would be and we stick to them. I agree with the other poster though if your gf doesn't have the strength to stand her ground with your ex then it could be a bumpy ride in the long run.

It really is none of your ex's business and I would try as best you can to ignore her crazy "right to know". If your kids have no issues with the new gf then you are already doing what is best for them. Take each hiccup as it comes, get advice here as there are quite a few up us in the step-parent role. Your ex may start talking negative about your gf and saying things that aren't true, just know that her actions will always outshine what the ex says! DH's ex has badmouthed me so bad to the kids that know they tell us when she says things as they roll their eyes (mostly SD12, but SS7 is getting there) we validate how they are feeling about it and then ask them if they think it is true and they say no.

Good luck it is hard to navigate but there is a lot of wisdom on these boards!

[ForeverDad]

You can get a legal consultation to find out what legal demands the ex can make, but I believe all you need to say is that she's not a felon, not a drug abuser, not a child abuser and is in good standing in the community.  Okay, the last two are subjective and not easily provable by public records, so maybe just stick with the first two, she's not a felon and not a drug abuser.

If I decide to get married again I may have to face that situation.  I know during this time my ex has had at least two close relationships, perhaps more, I just don't know.  She never introduced any BFs to me, though I did meet the recent on in court in late 2013.  Though pwBPD and other PDs are known to make rules that they insist apply to us but not to themselves.

[livednlearned]

I think it will come down to your gf and the "type" of BPD your ex is.

I was thinking the same thing too. Not all pwBPD are high conflict personalities, at least not to the level that many of us see on the Family Law board. But even so, this is a situation that can be hard even for people who don't have a PD. Do you think your ex's behavior will get worse if she meets the new GF? Or will it get worse if you don't make introductions.

Either way, I would take your GF's feelings into consideration here and let that guide a big part of the decision. Whether she becomes a target of blame or not, she's probably going to experience some stuff that takes a lot of personal strength to deal with.

[Panda39]

I am a girlfriend of a man with a uBPDxw and have been for the last 4 years.  We live separately and I have chosen not to meet his ex.  I agree that someday it will probably happen around some function his kids have going on but for now I stay away.  I would stay away from her if I met her on my own.  I simply don't like her, I don't live with my honey and I'm not raising his children (though I am their friend) so I have no reason for any interaction.

Check with your girlfriend and see if she is even interested in meeting the ex.  If she moves in or you guys get married then maybe at that time they need to meet if she is going to parent the children with you.  But for now I see no reason for them to meet.

[milo1967]

Thanks, Everyone. My new GF doesn't really have a problem meeting my XW, and likely will in a casual context (introductions during a child-exchange, for example). But XW wants to control this relationship. And this is what I want to avoid. We shall see what happens. For now I continue to avoid all communication with XW unless absolutely necessary communications about the kids. My personal relationships are really none of her business. Our children love my GF and she is is kind to them. That's all that matters.

Interestingly the other night XW was Facetiming our daughter and I briefly spoke with her. At one point she slipped up and called me "Honey." Then quickly corrected herself, calling me by my first name. Ten minutes later she called me in a rage about something trivial and followed up with a nasty email. Unsettling.