Old arguments, blaming and losing the plot

[notdownyet]

This is part rant, part asking for advice.

Over the last few days, my BPDw has been re-opening old problems/arguments.

It’s like she’s digging around old wounds, looking for a way to tear them back open again.  It if feels like stepping back in time in a way.

The most recent blow-up, relates to a major episode, that my BPDw had.

When I found out about her affair Nov 13, I had on-going contact with the other involved party.  At the time, my BPDw insisted that I didn’t do this; to the point of violence.

In my mind, she’d given-up any right, in telling me not to do this, the moment she crossed the line into unfaithfulness.

Back then, I needed answers; reasons why it happened, what I wasn’t involved in, when, where, how many times etc.  Questions that no one wants to ask, but you have to.

When she found out about me speaking with this other “person”, she went into what I can only describe as a psychotic episode, involving domestic destruction and violence.

This is the issue that’s now being resurrected.

My BPDw insists that I take some of the blame for this psychotic episode, as I wouldn’t stop this contact, when commanded to.

My response to this is that I’m not willing to take responsibility for her mental health condition – point blank.  If I give so much as an inch on this, it’ll be distorted and quoted out of context, to the end of time as: “you acknowledged that it was your fault that….”

This makes me feel incredibly invalidated.

Once I’ve not accepted responsibility for “my part” in her psychotic episode, things start to escalate, with her becoming irrational, angry and aggressive.

When this happens, I try and get her to see that she’s getting out of control.  Pointless I know, but I said to day “can’t you see that you’re losing the plot? – why are we even talking about this?”.  I also remind her, that if it hadn't been for her destructive actions, non of this would have taken place, in the first instance.  She seems to have a problem remembering that she's a victim of her own creation.

This only makes things worse.

Any thought’s; or advice on what to say without caving in, and feeling like a doormat?

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[vortex of confusion]

Her acting like a violent jerk is NOT your fault. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter what you did, that isn't an excuse to get violent.

I wonder if you can validate her by saying, "I know that you are mad that I contacted him. I can understand your upset. Being upset about something does NOT give you permission to behave that way." Or something along those lines. I have been trying to validate the feeling but make it clear that the reaction to the feeling is NOT okay and I will not tolerate it.

If she can find a way to blame you, then it makes it easier on her because it keeps her from being responsible for her own behavior.

At the end of the day, she can't control who you do or do not contact.

[notdownyet]

Her acting like a violent jerk is NOT your fault. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter what you did, that isn't an excuse to get violent.

I wonder if you can validate her by saying, "I know that you are mad that I contacted him. I can understand your upset. Being upset about something does NOT give you permission to behave that way." Or something along those lines. I have been trying to validate the feeling but make it clear that the reaction to the feeling is NOT okay and I will not tolerate it.

If she can find a way to blame you, then it makes it easier on her because it keeps her from being responsible for her own behavior.

At the end of the day, she can't control who you do or do not contact.

Thanks for your supportive words Vortex.  That makes me feel a little better.

I think that’s really good advice.  When emotions are up, I sometimes find it hard to be objective enough to validate.

My BPDw, seem s to see my actions as much worse than hers in some way.  It’s almost as if she’s amplifying my actions, and minimalizing hers.  In fact, that’s what she is doing.

When arguing about that episode, she makes it sound like her actions were almost justified; paying just enough lip-service to her responsibility for wrong doing, whilst putting the main focus on me contacting her ex-lover when told not to.

I’ve often told her that I would love to see how she’d cope in my position, if the tables were turned.  I guarantee that she’d implode with jealousy and feeling of abandonment.

[vortex of confusion]

When arguing about that episode, she makes it sound like her actions were almost justified; paying just enough lip-service to her responsibility for wrong doing, whilst putting the main focus on me contacting her ex-lover when told not to.

Stop arguing about it! Seriously, if you feel yourself slipping into argument mode, walk away. Read up on the lessons to the right. There is a lesson, I think it might be on the leaving board, that is called something like "Stop the Bleeding". Before either of you can discuss anything, it really helps to read about JADEing. I got into a pattern and still slip into from time to time where I think that if I explain something enough times he will eventually understand and things will get better. The problem with this line of thinking is that he rarely understands and then things don't get better. I have to change my approach and how I am interacting with him.

I get irritated at times because it feels like I am supposed to validate him and be mindful of him but he is not returning the favor. It is so hard to sit and listen to something that seems ridiculous and then try to validate it.

I’ve often told her that I would love to see how she’d cope in my position, if the tables were turned.  I guarantee that she’d implode with jealousy and feeling of abandonment.

Part of BPD traits is lacking empathy. Asking them to think about how it would feel to be in your shoes is a bit futile. One of the approaches that I have been trying and have been having a little success with is "help me understand". If the conversation comes up again, I wonder if you could pose it as "Help me understand how having an affair without my permission is okay." The feelings that she was having (lonely, neglected, whatever) when she chose to have the affair are all valid feelings. What isn't okay is how she chose to act on those feelings.