Leavin' on a jet plane, don't know how to text my H...

[Bloomer]

I am on a two week trip to visit my cousin/best friend. I was nervous about asking my dBPDh what level of communication he'd want while I was away but it actually went as good as it could have. We were fight-free for a whole week before I departed. It was a nice send off considering part of what I was looking forward to was some space to deal with my own issues. See my other post > https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240359.0;all

In the past, H has always been the one going on trips for work. It used to be excessive but we recognized that wasn't healthy and now we typically text throughout the day and might have a couple phone calls. To be honest, I would probably prefer more phone calls bc I value them more and I am not going to text you everything going on bc that's ridiculous.

So what I'm noticing is that he tends to be very "jokey" when there's distance. If I say something sweet, even I love you at the end of the night he'll reply with some silly "I love you mon" back. Now H is a silly person, we're often silly together. I just can't discern if he's being more silly than usual or meeting a sweet message with something ridiculous bc he's missing me or something else. Before I left, I directly asked if he felt ok with me going for 2 weeks and he said he did, no bad feelings whatsoever.

Yesterday I asked if he wanted to talk on the phone when he got home from work (I left Sunday morning and we haven't spoken on the phone at all since I got here). He said by the time he walked the dog, made dinner, and attended to some other things I would probably be hanging out with my cousin (time difference). I just said OK. So, there wasn't 5 minutes apparently to make time for his wife. Life is so hard... .He did then ask if I had time today when he gets back from T. I agreed then was fine.

I'm nervous that he's going to get upset while I'm gone and then I will have a hard time enjoying my trip bc I'll be consumed with whatever he's going through. I also just don't like when I make an effort to be sweet and it is met with, well not appreciation or  something sweet. I just feel frustrated in making an effort as he asked me to do only to be met with the opposite. This morning I didn't even text him when I woke up, which would be a normal time to communicate. I feel like a nutter. I wanted space but I'm so nervous about what things mean and frustrated that I am making an effort, especially while I'm away to make sure he knows I care about him, etc.

I don't know if I should stop being extra sweet to avoid feeling rejected and unappreciated or just continue on as if nothing is wrong. I also don't know if I am texting as often as I am bc I want to or bc I feel like I should.  

Bloomer

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[Notwendy]

We're in a tizzi anticipating their needs while they don't tell us theirs. Notice the " I figured you were with your cousin " response. It's about you, not him. Read my post about starting back at work and my H ignoring me physically and acting as if he doesn't care. His response to me was " I am giving you space since you are starting a job" . I didn't ask for space. You didn't tell your H you didn't want to talk to him when you were with your cousin.

We are both in an emotional confused state. They aren't really happy about us doing something new and different and not about them. I think this is about your H- and that both our H know how to push our buttons.

Enjoy your trip!

[Bloomer]

I can see how it might seem like it is on purpose but I don't think he's trying to push buttons. I think he probably isn't aware of how it might come off. It could mean something and it could not but I honestly don't believe he's conscious of it. I'm just trying to appropriately handle since I have my own issues that have come up and I don't want to drive a wedge or create any bad feelings by overextending.

You didn't tell your H you didn't want to talk to him when you were with your cousin.

I didn't say that to him but I there's plenty of time I'm here when I'm not with my cousin that he could talk to me. And that is preferable bc I didn't come all this way to see her so that I could be on the phone with my husband during the time we have. So, H isn't off-base in assuming that once my cousin gets home from work, it's not a good time for me to talk. I used to have a habit of dropping people whenever he was available to talk and I realized that isn't healthy. If we set up a time to talk on the phone, it needs to work for both of us, otherwise I am not holding a boundary and I'm setting myself up for resentment.

My H is usually very supportive of me doing new things. He's actually the more confident one in our relationship. But this is new territory for me bc I've never been the one to go away and recently we had a lot of ugly arguments. You're definitely right about me trying to anticipate his needs, even though his symptoms have subsided substantially with therapy. But that's really my problem not his. I just want to make it a positive experience without doing anything to sabotage any recent progress I've made individually and in our relationship. I don't want to cause myself to feel resentment later or push H away bc that is my tendency when I don't know how to handle something.

[Notwendy]

Maybe the best thing you can do is ask him if he wants to talk, and if he says not now, then assume he means it.

This isn't easy if he doesn't often say what he means. It makes me nervous when my H says he's fine, while I am afraid the rage is around the corner.

I just read the Stop Caretaking book and it mentions that they have a certain amount of control over us since we are prone to FOG- Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

This doesn't mean they are doing this consciously. They may be aware of it or not. It could be that our discomfort when not being there for them, or meeting their needs is what makes us reinforce their behaviors. Someone else might be able to have a good time and not even care if they are upset. It is our caring that makes us reinforce their behaviors.

He might get upset with you, but now, you are with your cousin and far away from him and even if it is hard, you can enjoy yourself. Think about which emotion you are in: F, O, G, but you don't have to be.