Need Advice

[Cloudy Days]

Ok so my husband is getting a bit of money soon from his Disability that he was approved for. We have been waiting for a year and have been told it will be paid within the next month or so. My husband wants to move to California, we live in Middle America now. Says he hates the cold and says he has seasonal depression. Brings up the fact that a lot of his family have committed suicide when it was cold. He has a brother and nephew in California. However the amount of money he is working with would basically allow us to afford a trailer in the dessert no less, that we would have to pay lot rent on. He seems to think I would quit my job and find a job in California, where it is hard to find a job and also has a very high cost of living. I have been clear and said I am not moving.  

Before it got cold we agreed to buying a home with a loan where we live with a bit of land. He hates this idea now and is focusing solely on California. For the past week he has been a total drain to be around because all he does is talk about how he wants to move to California. I told him several times I am not moving to California any time soon and I would like to buy a house so I can keep the job that I have. This sets him off, so I just try to ignore it a lot of the time. About the only thing we can agree on is that we want to move.  He is now saying he is going to divorce me and move to California himself. My attitude towards this line of talk is "good luck with that".

Our Anniversary is a couple days away and so far I have heard every single day for the past week how he wants a divorce. We are not on the same page, I do not love him ect. There is a lot going on right now I know he is depressed because of some upcoming legal issues. He is going to therapy and taking medication, the only time he takes a shower is to go to therapy. He spends most of his days looking for places in California to buy. I know this is probably somewhat of a distraction to him, trying to keep his mind off the legal stuff. I just don't know how to deal with it. I've told him if he wants a divorce then to get one. He seems to think I am trying to use him to buy a home and then he thinks I am going to take the house somehow and he will have wasted the money. If we divorced I would just walk away from the house, I just get so sick of him thinking I am out to get him in some way. I know he has a limited income and this will be the only money he gets to start a good life. I want him to be happy and succeed just as much as he does.

On top of all this, he seems to think I am not being supportive enough. He basically puts up a brick wall, acts like he doesn't want to be around me and then gets angry with me because I don't engage with him. For instance last night I got a dirty look when I got home, eventually he found something to get mad at, announced he was going to sleep. Slept for 4 hours and once he was awake, was mad that I didn't try to comfort him because he is clearly depressed. I told him he looked mad and that I can't read his mind.  

Every time I try to comfort him he finds some way to push away. Last night I tried to give him a hug, told him I understand that he's depressed, that I love him and all kinds of other encouraging words. And he said is it healthy for us to be together, should we get a divorce. Which made me drop my arms and just give up trying to comfort him.

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[ColdEthyl]

Ok so my husband is getting a bit of money soon from his Disability that he was approved for. We have been waiting for a year and have been told it will be paid within the next month or so. My husband wants to move to California, we live in Middle America now. Says he hates the cold and says he has seasonal depression. Brings up the fact that a lot of his family have committed suicide when it was cold. He has a brother and nephew in California. However the amount of money he is working with would basically allow us to afford a trailer in the dessert no less, that we would have to pay lot rent on. He seems to think I would quit my job and find a job in California, where it is hard to find a job and also has a very high cost of living. I have been clear and said I am not moving.  

Before it got cold we agreed to buying a home with a loan where we live with a bit of land. He hates this idea now and is focusing solely on California. For the past week he has been a total drain to be around because all he does is talk about how he wants to move to California. I told him several times I am not moving to California any time soon and I would like to buy a house so I can keep the job that I have. This sets him off, so I just try to ignore it a lot of the time. About the only thing we can agree on is that we want to move.  He is now saying he is going to divorce me and move to California himself. My attitude towards this line of talk is "good luck with that".

Our Anniversary is a couple days away and so far I have heard every single day for the past week how he wants a divorce. We are not on the same page, I do not love him ect. There is a lot going on right now I know he is depressed because of some upcoming legal issues. He is going to therapy and taking medication, the only time he takes a shower is to go to therapy. He spends most of his days looking for places in California to buy. I know this is probably somewhat of a distraction to him, trying to keep his mind off the legal stuff. I just don't know how to deal with it. I've told him if he wants a divorce then to get one. He seems to think I am trying to use him to buy a home and then he thinks I am going to take the house somehow and he will have wasted the money. If we divorced I would just walk away from the house, I just get so sick of him thinking I am out to get him in some way. I know he has a limited income and this will be the only money he gets to start a good life. I want him to be happy and succeed just as much as he does.

On top of all this, he seems to think I am not being supportive enough. He basically puts up a brick wall, acts like he doesn't want to be around me and then gets angry with me because I don't engage with him. For instance last night I got a dirty look when I got home, eventually he found something to get mad at, announced he was going to sleep. Slept for 4 hours and once he was awake, was mad that I didn't try to comfort him because he is clearly depressed. I told him he looked mad and that I can't read his mind.  

Every time I try to comfort him he finds some way to push away. Last night I tried to give him a hug, told him I understand that he's depressed, that I love him and all kinds of other encouraging words. And he said is it healthy for us to be together, should we get a divorce. Which made me drop my arms and just give up trying to comfort him.

Hello! First of all, hugs for you! /hug

He is most likely using California as a distraction, and dysregulating because of court issues. I'm sure at the moment the idea of California is seen to him as a fresh start.

My dBPDh says the winter brings him depression. I often wonder how much of it is true depression, and how much is... .fabricated? I don't like using that word, because I don't think it's a thing he's aware of. It's just that since he knows seasonal depression is a thing, he's more likely to "experience" it. (that's my theory)

What works for my husband during winter is when we have breaks in weather and there's a lot of sun, I like to take him him out to the lake. Being outside with nature in decent weather does put him in a better mood. That's the place I usually discuss things with him as well. He's more receptive out there.

What are you saying when he asks for a divorce?

[Cloudy Days]

I tell him I am not looking for a divorce but if that's what he wants then he can go ahead and do it. I am not in the mood to play his "I will divorce you" games. I'm to the point where I just want a normal life, with or without him and I am sick of hearing about how he wants to divorce me. 

We have actually had several days in the 50's this past week, you would think that would cheer him up a bit but he's been in a worse mood this week than he has been all winter. He's had several severe depressions in the summer so I know it's not just a seasonal depression. I think this legal stuff is just too much for him and he's blaming it on the weather. The medication is something new for the both of us. He has had one rage within the past 4 months, so medication is working, Rages were the thing I could no longer deal with. But he still has many BPD characteristics that make life just kind of crummy.

[ColdEthyl]

I tell him I am not looking for a divorce but if that's what he wants then he can go ahead and do it. I am not in the mood to play his "I will divorce you" games. I'm to the point where I just want a normal life, with or without him and I am sick of hearing about how he wants to divorce me. 

We have actually had several days in the 50's this past week, you would think that would cheer him up a bit but he's been in a worse mood this week than he has been all winter. He's had several severe depressions in the summer so I know it's not just a seasonal depression. I think this legal stuff is just too much for him and he's blaming it on the weather. The medication is something new for the both of us. He has had one rage within the past 4 months, so medication is working, Rages were the thing I could no longer deal with. But he still has many BPD characteristics that make life just kind of crummy.

It's good the medications are working somewhat, and it's good he's seeing a T. BPD traits are not fun to live with, we know. It's hard to remember the good when you are in the thick of some BPD dysregulation.

It's hard to give advice, because I'm not sure who your husband is. I know what works with mine. Taking him outside works. Do you guys have the funds to maybe go do something together? Dinner? Movie?

I would start with trying to have a night where California just doesn't come up. Have fun with each other. Enjoy each other's company. Are you and he open to that?

pwBPD are masters of distraction when something is uncomfortable. I have found if I replace the bad behavior my husband might be doing (IE being grumpy), with something a bit more positive (IE going to lake), it puts him in a better mood to handle the situation when we discuss it again. It's no use trying to talk to them when they are in this state.

What do you guys like to do together?

[Cloudy Days]

What do we like to do together?

Well most of what we do together needs nice weather or money and we are pretty broke. We watch a lot of TV shows but that has gotten old. He's been stress eating a lot because of the legal issues. However, we did get some very good news yesterday about his legal stuff. He seems to be in a great mood today. He was emotional last night, kept crying. I know how he feels, it's a big weight he's been carrying and some of it got lifted. I had to have him take me to work today which usually really sucks because he is grumpy in the morning and usually we get into it. He was delightful this morning so it was a nice change for once.

We are going out to eat with my Grandmother tomorrow, then our Anniversary is Saturday so we are doing something for that. I am hopeful for a decent weekend He's off to therapy today, for some reason group therapy always triggers him. But he does both of them in one day because its a bit of a drive. 

[ColdEthyl]

What do we like to do together?

Well most of what we do together needs nice weather or money and we are pretty broke. We watch a lot of TV shows but that has gotten old. He's been stress eating a lot because of the legal issues. However, we did get some very good news yesterday about his legal stuff. He seems to be in a great mood today. He was emotional last night, kept crying. I know how he feels, it's a big weight he's been carrying and some of it got lifted. I had to have him take me to work today which usually really sucks because he is grumpy in the morning and usually we get into it. He was delightful this morning so it was a nice change for once.

We are going out to eat with my Grandmother tomorrow, then our Anniversary is Saturday so we are doing something for that. I am hopeful for a decent weekend He's off to therapy today, for some reason group therapy always triggers him. But he does both of them in one day because its a bit of a drive. 

I'm glad he was in a better mood today! I understand about money situations, we are in the same boat. Going for walks or to the lake is nice because it's free heehee

I hope you get to enjoy your weekend! Just keep showing him your empathy and understanding, and hopefully that will be enough to help him keep stable. It must suck for both of you to be dealing with the legal issues, and on top of that you have to take on his emotional issues. /hug

[Grey Kitty]

  Glad to see you posting, and I'm glad that you are getting some good news on the legal front for your H, at least.

I'm wondering... .you are clear about not wanting to go to California, and your H's constant focus on it. You talk about buying a house locally using some of your H's windfall.

What other options for the money are possible?

Will this money burn a hole through your husband's pocket if it isn't put to good use soon?

Do you need to keep it in reserve for potential legal costs?

Could it go toward a second car, which would give you more freedom? (I can't remember if this is a problem for you or not.)

[Cloudy Days]

The legal issues are going to be figured out before we buy a house. We will know everything in the next couple of weeks of what is going to happen. Honestly we both want to hold on to the money, unless it is being used for a home. I have been very clear about not moving to California. It's just not going to happen yet. If we buy a home where we live now he wants a lot of acres with it. There are a few options where we live that we can afford. This was our dream together before he got stuck on moving to California. I think he will be happy with some space. He gets very annoyed by our neighbors because he feels he can't go outside. We do live in a very clustered area, nothing private about our home now.   

We do plan on buying a second car after we buy a home. He just recently got his disability payments and things have been on hold because of this court stuff. We didn't want to take out any loans until this was resolved.

[Cat Familiar]

You've already gotten some good advice about dealing with your husband's issues, so I won't address that.

I'll just talk about California, as I live here and am a native Californian.

We haven't gotten any rain in the northern part of the state the whole month of January. There is little snowpack in the mountains, which is what we need to fill the reservoirs. The southern part of the state is enacting extreme water rationing. This is our fourth year of drought. Wells are drying up, groundwater is becoming scarce in farming regions, fields are being left fallow in agricultural areas.

It's bad and if we don't get some rain soon, fire season is already upon us. We're now having large forest fires in January in several areas! This is extreme. We are fearful about how dry it will be next summer with native vegetation not receiving even a fraction of the usual rainfall.

Yes, we have sunny days, but it's not the paradise that people like your husband believe it to be. And it's damned expensive to live here!

[Cloudy Days]

Thanks Cat Familiar, I have been trying to tell him this. There is an extreme drought in California, I want to grow my own food and we wouldn't be able to do this. He's like yes you can, it's sunny all year round. They are rationing water and besides that we can't afford to own land in California.

I really think he sees it as an escape. He's even been looking at renting a room and living with other people in California. Which honestly would be the only way he could survive on his own. But he hates people, he would never be able to live with other people.

[Grey Kitty]

  It sounds like you know where you stand on the California issue. I imagine it is an unpleasant stalemate.

The legal stuff hanging over his head is still there too. That's gotta be tough!

our Anniversary is Saturday so we are doing something for that. I am hopeful for a decent weekend

It is Monday. How did the weekend and anniversary go?

Are there things in your day-to-day life with him that are bugging you? Changes we can help you figure out how to make?

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks Cat Familiar, I have been trying to tell him this. There is an extreme drought in California, I want to grow my own food and we wouldn't be able to do this. He's like yes you can, it's sunny all year round. They are rationing water and besides that we can't afford to own land in California.

I really think he sees it as an escape. He's even been looking at renting a room and living with other people in California. Which honestly would be the only way he could survive on his own. But he hates people, he would never be able to live with other people.

Maybe he needs to visit his brother and nephew and see for himself what his fantasy truly is. A little dose of reality will certainly have more impact than anything you can tell him.

[Cloudy Days]

Honestly the only real problem we are having is that he is stress eating. He's using food as a comfort, his therapy actually used this as a good soothing activity. He's gained 80 pounds in 4 months! No Joke. I have gained 20 pounds because I tend to eat with him.

As for him visiting California, we took an 11 day Vacation last year around this time to California. It was a nightmare vacation for many reasons, all of them being his BPD and moods! He got into a huge argument with his brother and we left early. They made up but seriously, what makes him think he needs to be closer to someone who is just like him?

We had a decent Anniversary, can't complain