I wanted to start tonight by thanking all those on here who have been a huge influence over the past several weeks, shared their experiences, gave great advice and in respect of PatientandClear as well as Grey Kitty, challenged my thinking and put forward some difficult questions for me to think about and reflect upon. So a huge thank you to you all
Had my T appointment today and she was quite amazed at how much insight and awareness I have right now, recognising the patterns, taking the steps to break them and how everything is calming down and falling into place. This past week has been perhaps the most insane week of my life and because of the support on here I've breezed through it like it was the easiest week I've ever had. It's difficult to contend with 1 pwBPD when they are having problems of their own, this past week, I've had 2 pwBPD, 1 emotionally unstable exgf, my mother (uBPD) and my sister to contend with and it's gone really well in terms of establishing boundaries, difficult conversations, high conflict court case, re-engagement attempts and an upset and depressed BPDgf.
Boundaries do work and I'm proud to say that although I've taken small steps right now, they have remained firm, I've held people accountable for their own actions and refused to take responsibility for things that are not mine to own and best of all, it's not really offended anyone so I feel in a much better place.
My sister did try and put the responsibility of exN/BPDw contact her on me. The reason my sister was contacted was because I have remained NC for 3 years. Instead of taking that responsibility, I pointed out to my sis that if she didn't want any contact with exN/BPDw, she has the ability to block her. That contact is not my responsibility.
I wrote my letter of anger to my mother and went through it with T last week. It cleared a lot of things from my mind and yesterday I sat down with my mother over lunch for a long chat. Many things I've wanted to say for years, I did say and I refused to allow any projection of guilt back at me. I stressed to my mother that how I felt as a child was no different to some of the children she taught, where their parents were out drinking every night and never around, physically or emotionally.
I explained that as an adult, I know the reasons she wasn't around (working to provide for me and my sister) and that's why as adults we still have a relationship and I don't hold any resentment towards her. Had it been the former, she would have a very small role in mine or my childrens lives. But the key thing in all of this is how I felt as a child and that I've held that in for the past 30+ years and it needed to be said. Today, I woke and I actually felt closer to her than I've ever done in my life. We discussed some artwork that I said I would buy for her birthday and she has asked to become my cleaner once a month as she is retired now, gives her something to do and I'm quite a neat person so it wouldn't be like trying to clean my sisters place. I never saw that one coming
I'm also extremely proud of exgf (eldest daughters mother and a non) who has proved yet again how trustworthy she is. She's good friends with exN/BPDw but has laid down her own boundary that she will not say anything to her about my life and I've promised not to ask anything about exN/BPDw. Given that it was my sister that was contacted this week, it shows I can have faith and confidence in exgf that she does keep her word, because she would be the easiest route through to me, knows all about my r/s with BPDgf because of d14, offered her support on New years Eve for the times I supported her last year through difficult times and not said anything to exN/BPDw.
ExN/BPDw, I can see several more messages coming through over next couple of weeks but I'm not allowing it to bother me. She is reaching out desperately because she is having an emergency. She made the choice when she decided on the divorce and given all the abuse, I won't ever reach out to her and have no desire to help her.
I've grown a lot in the past week, worked through Kaprmann Triangle with T today identifying victim, rescuer, persecutor for several different scenarios and feel confident in myself about recognising who is sitting where and at what time based on things being said and done. Learning how to ask specific questions to also help establish who is where too.
Confidence is coming back as well as new feelings and it's starting to show through to BPDgf now. A couple of times this week she has made plans to come over but I've put that off since I've had other things on. Part of me is annoyed because it's nice for someone to ask if you have any plans or if you are doing something at a certain time instead of telling them you are coming over. If I wasn't busy or had no plans, then that's slightly different and it would be good to do something together. However, not changing plans for someone who appears when they want and then just disappears.
Got text messages from her this morning and spent 10 mins wondering if she had sent them to me by accident. She called me "babe" for the first time in almost 2 months so obviously I first thought she was talking to someone else
She called me when she finished work to tell me about her friends new job offer and the advice she had given her about it. Then she dropped a comment that I really had to bite my tongue on. One of her friends fits carpets and curtains and she is after a blind for the back window. He has offered to come over and put one up for her and she offered to treat him to something. He's declined and said that a simple thank you will do which has annoyed her. She ranted about when someone does something for you, it's only right that the other person treats you as a way to say thank you. I keep thinking of all the things I've done for BPDgf this past year and been lucky if I've even had a thank you let alone get treated for the things I have done
She called again tonight and had a little cry. She's upset but doesn't know where it came from and why. She just knows she misses me being there because I make everything feel better for her which is why she felt she had to call me as soon as she started getting upset. Again, I told her it was ok to cry and then we had a talk about some fun things she has coming up this week. She is so looking forward to seeing my girls but I've put a hold on that this weekend. I explained that given this is a huge step forward, a new environment and a building bonds, the last thing I want to do is overwhelm them. So for the first access, I just want d14 there because I promised her as soon as she was cut out too that as soon as we got access back, she would be involved from the start. I'm not even bringing my mother in for this one either, there will be time for that in future.
BPDgf was understanding on that as I assured her that once this first contact is out of the way, we will make plans to take the girls somewhere and that she can be a part of this but that choice is hers. She does want to be part of it but as I said on a previous post, I'm taking things slowly with her.
So yes, a good week in all and a lot of credit goes to you guys on this site for your input and guidance along the way.
