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Author Topic: Bittersweet words  (Read 501 times)
Ripped Heart
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« on: January 21, 2015, 08:46:56 PM »

The past few days have been much better with BPDgf in terms of communication and there has been no worries or fears of any outbursts since taking a time out last week and setting a few boundaries and ground rules. In the past week, she has invited herself over twice, both times I said no because I had other plans. It definitely feels right now like the pull momentum is building but I'm remaining firm instead of leaping back in there. This morning she called me "babe" for the first time in 2 months and tonight she called to have a little cry over something she had no idea about.

To round off the day, I got a text message that I've been longing to hear and see for so long now but when it happened, my first feeling is that it's not real and my second feeling is that she could wake up tomorrow and feel completely different. It actually hurt more that I expected it to, not because it was nasty but for the things I mentioned. Here's what it says:

"Thank you for always being there for me. You are my best friend and I don't know what I would do without you in my life. I love you. Good Night and Sweet Dreams xx"

If I was in a relationship with a healthy person and got that text, I would be over the moon and to a degree I am really touched, it's just that I know tomorrow could be a very different mood or feeling for her and I could be the most hated person on the planet simply for saying "Good Morning". I think the reason it hurts is because I want to believe it so much, it's what I've wanted to hear from her for so long now but I know that in some respects it is only real for this moment in time and it's not something I can hold on to because of how fast that can change.

Has anyone else experienced this and if so, how did you deal with it? If you were in a R/S were you able to make progress with this and build on it within your r/s?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2015, 12:04:51 PM »

First off... .it is true and heartfelt. It sounds like she's getting back to painting you white.

It is more fun than being painted black, but no more real or permanent.

It also puts you in a position where you have more options in your r/s because she is listening to you.

YOU are starting to behave in ways that are much healthier with her than you used to. That is the place where you should look for real hope in this relationship.

If I recall correctly, you still have infidelity issues that were not resolved to your satisfaction.

Take a bit of time and really think about the potential of this relationship for you, and how you feel about the likely (or less likely) paths it might take.

She is going to try to pull you like this, and wants you to dive back in full-on as if nothing ever went wrong in the r/s. Because she's doing the feelings=facts BPD thing, and really does feel like that! She won't think that you DO still have feelings about the stuff she did while she was painting you black.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2015, 12:21:29 PM »

Wow.  I know just where you are coming from.  The first time I heard those words after a rage, I felt, "Hey, progress!".  After rage after rage, and eventual "makeup" words after "makeup" words, I've slowly come to be a bit desensitized.  Now I hear it, feel better for an hour or two, and then slowly sink back to that sadness that the next rage is a matter of when and not if.

Posting/reading on here keeps me grounded.  So does taking time for myself. 

I'm coming to learn that she can talk/say all she wants about a desire to behave better or take care of herself better, but the reality is nothing will change unless she takes action to change her way of healing.  She's got the self-awareness down pat when she is calm, but after enough let downs I know her overall pattern won't change until she goes back into intensive outpatient therapy (like DBT) and gets on the proper meds (may require lengthy hospitalization).

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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2015, 01:13:23 PM »

Thanks both of you.

Grey Kitty, she called today to say she's been depressed for the past couple of days and that nobody understands. I think some of it is coming from the fact I'm still standing strong, part that she has nowhere to turn to and partly because I know she is mirroring me right now but that I'm having more success.

I dont dispute the words are genuine, I just know they can change at any moment in the blink of an eye and that's what makes it hard to hold on to them for the moment.

As I've mentioned before, my T is a relational therapist. She helps me to identify patterns in my life and patterns in my own behaviour which keep me going around in circles, draw me to pwBPD and keep me in the push/pull cycle. It helps me to identify my own feelings when things arise and take a step back before I give an automatic response.

With what is going on with BPDgf right now, my response is to jump in and save her from her pain. To take on the responsibility of her feelings so she doesn't have to suffer and to take her out somewhere to make her feel better. All of which are great short term but the day after, I'm put back in the box until I'm needed again.

I recognise that now which is why the words are hard to hear because it takes all my strength and energy not to jump right in and rescue her. However, stepping back puts me on completely new ground which is tough to navigate right now.

As for the infidelity, I'm still battling that in my own head. I wish I could remain in denial but what I did do was put a boundary in place for moving forward and feel what's past is mine to deal with.

Maxsterling, I think I have to learn from your approach. I know my BPDgf is trying but I also know she is setting herself up for failure at the same time. She knows I'm getting help but won't do that herself. Instead she is mirroring the things I'm doing for myself and sees that as her way of improvement. I get a bike, she gets a bike, I start eating healthier, she starts eating healthier, I start going back to the gym, she joins a gym. But I'm also addressing my core issues which is something she isn't doing. Instead, I get phone calls like tonight because she is turning to me for feeling depressed and upset.

I look at her actions here and I do see a positive step so I'm supportive of that, I just know its going to need more but I've taken the steps to stop rescuing her and just be supportive of what she is doing.

My T appointment yesterday was interesting. We established that my fear of letting go isn't a fear of being alone but a fear of letting go of hope. The possibility that I let go a day too early when a corner might be turned and that is also part of the reason I allow my boundaries to slip. I now have to learn when the line is drawn with hope and how to step away before it starts to become harmful to me.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2015, 05:51:54 PM »

With what is going on with BPDgf right now, my response is to jump in and save her from her pain. To take on the responsibility of her feelings so she doesn't have to suffer and to take her out somewhere to make her feel better. All of which are great short term but the day after, I'm put back in the box until I'm needed again.

I recognise that now which is why the words are hard to hear because it takes all my strength and energy not to jump right in and rescue her. However, stepping back puts me on completely new ground which is tough to navigate right now.

Funny. This reminds me of something my friend IRL (Captain of "Team Grey Kitty" told me a while back when I was getting ready to end things with my wife if needed.

That my wife would crash and burn after we split, and call me for a rescue.

A waif attack to pull me back in.

I've been warned that it will be coming, and I should expect it.

(And when I say this, I don't mean that it is a calculated premeditated move. I just mean that it is a natural consequence of how she's acting/feeling/behaving)

What you are describing sounds a lot like this to me. You're in the tough place of deciding what you want to do with it / about it.

 You are doing great work on yourself. You will figure out your right answer.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2015, 06:06:42 PM »

 

Sounds like you are making healthy choices... .and striving to make healthy choices in the future.

Your SO will either keep up and get on board... .or she won't. 

She may try to make it your issue or your fault... .try not to take the bait.

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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2015, 06:08:55 PM »

 

Where are you at with your T in working on the infidelity issue. 

Before you can communicate that... .or should try to communicate that to your SO... .you need to be clear and settled with yourself on that... .

Why?  If your stance on infidelity is different than hers... .expect her to try an move your position... .  You need to be ready for this... and clear with your own values
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2015, 07:24:45 PM »

Formflier, we have only discussed the fact it happened. As for dealing with it, there are other issues that have a higher priority.

My stance is what I said above and it is something I've already said to BPDgf. I've not addressed the fact of how I know, only that I do know and that I can't have it happen again. As for it already happening, that's something I'm going to work through and find acceptance with. I'm very clear on my stance and what my actions will be should that be broken, however I think the issue here is me because I don't think I'm willing to let go and follow through if it were to happen. Which is why more work is being done with T around letting go.

BPDgf has been a little tearful through the day and I've had several phone calls. I do think it relates to last night and from what she has said, I think I know where the comments came from last night.

For the past couple of months she has been triangulating me with her only real friend and that's become more obvious recently. I guess that part is easier to handle because I was technically "replaced" by her female friend in as far as doing everything together. She also used her friend to mirror me with, so all the things I mentioned above, she was arranging and copying with her friend. Only it's now hit a bump.

They went to the gym yesterday because it is the day me and my friends go but didn't do any exercise. I got the impression she was annoyed because her friend wanted to talk about her new job offer. They arranged to go tonight also but BPDgf dropped out, said she didn't feel up to it (which could be true except for what she followed up on). It turned out that BPDgf wanted to arrange to go to the gym on Friday and her friend said she had other plans. After further digging it turns out that friend is off for a night out with her other friends and BPDgf isn't invited. So she is beginning to paint her black and I suddenly become "Best Friend"

I'm doing my best right now to be supportive but also not jump into the triangle. It's not the first time both me and friend have been triangulated.
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2015, 07:52:27 PM »

Formflier, we have only discussed the fact it happened. As for dealing with it, there are other issues that have a higher priority.

Can you list out the issues and priorities... at least until you get to infidelity... .?

Might help clarify things... .
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