How long does a Typical Cycle Last?

[Wood stock]

Just wondering... .and maybe I should have done this as a poll, but how long do the "I hate you" cycles last for you folks' partners? Hours? Days? Weeks? And once there is a "blow out" moment, do your BPD partners just keep getting uglier and uglier and justify their silly reason for blowing up in the first place? I'm just trying to gauge my partner's behavior (are his "meltdowns" extreme or mild or about the same as other BPD's).

Any response would really help. Thanks all!

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[Ripped Heart]

hi MJBL,

I honestly wish I could give you a response that would ease your mind and say that all pwBPD are the same. They are in the sense that there is no timeframe on a typical cycle, it could only be minutes, it could change several times in a day or last for days, weeks or months. I guess a lot depends on what the blow out was over and other defining factors that are going on in their life at the time.

I know with my BPDgf, if she is having a major episode and I catch the brunt of that she can be nasty to me in the evening and acting like nothing was ever said in the morning. There are other times where I've been hit with a nasty comment and then she has apologised a couple of hours later. When it's been a serious blow out, the longest that's gone on was 4 days. She tried reaching out at 3 days but I took an extra day to prepare myself. It's something she has spoken about in the past that she has to have contact within 4 days or she really has a melt down.

Last weeks episode was 2 days before she was back in touch and I think that concerned her that she couldn't reach me because there has been a gradual improvement since that time.

What I would suggest, and I know it's difficult to do because I really struggle, is that you take that time to detach or depersonalise and focus on you. Do things you want to do and just keep moving forward with your life. I'm finding that the more I do that when blow outs occur, I'm not focusing on when it's over, it doesn't hurt or cause as much worry and it puts me in a better place to deal with BPDgf when she decides I'm not hated anymore.

Sorry I couldn't give you specific figures because they all seem to be different and for different reasons too. I've just found that when blow outs occur, i take a step back and focus on the things I have to do and that the time between them appears to get shorter and the more we remain enmeshed in the drama, the longer they appear to go on.

[JRT]

I hope that this is not what you want to hear: but over our 2 year relationship, I have had recycles go anywhere from a couple of hours (that happened just once) to several days... .several weeks and now, the latest one of 4 months. 

[Haye]

Like RippedHeart, I have to answer that there is no answer. It depends not only on the individual but can change per cycle as each cycle is unique though they might be much alike.  

I used to think my SO's push-cycle lasts about three weeks, as it went like that several times. He would all of sudden have some odd wake up, be shocked of pushing me away from him, collapsed with anxiety, I soothed him and he was back to (his)normal. It's been six weeks now, no sign of ending, his T said this phase (it's fueled with dissociation) can be up to six months.

[Theo41]

MJBL, I can only relate my experience over decades. They don't last for weeks or months. They last usually for hours and sometimes but rarely a few days. The problem is the intensity, particularly relative to the incident. The good news is that I have learned severl techniques that help reduce the length and severity: the first is validation. She loves it. " All I ask for is you to listen and validate my feelings rather than telling me ' you shouldn't feel that way' ."

The second is not to respond. I try to never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut. I don't do something, I just stand there:). And finally, if it goes on too long I just remove myself from the situation. Walk the dog, go for a drive , visit friends, or just say I need a time out and go to the bedroom for a nap. She FEARS abandonment so when I head for the door she usually gets control and knocks it off. I will say: " if you want to start over and have a nice day I'm up for that but I won't stand here arguing with you, or accepting your negative talk. If that's wha you want I'm leaving. It works. Theo

[Wood stock]

Thank you all for your open responses... .

[maxsterling]

I'm going to give you average ranges:

Periods where she is 100% cold/angry/blaming me for simply being alive - Usually last at least 12 hours, rarely last longer than 3 days.  Longer periods happen, but intermixed with those longer periods are usually a few hours where she is somewhat pleasant and apologetic.

Time between the cold periods - as short as a week, rarely longer than a month.  We've been through phases where there is a cold period every weekend.  And we have also gone periods of over a month with nothing major. 

I will note that it certainly seems the cold periods last shorter if I refuse to participate.  Let her rage while I do my own thing.  12-24 hours and she is usually starting to get back on track.  If I JADE, bug her, blame her, or pressure her - things go on longer. 

[charred]

Varies,

First go round... the cycle took 18 months to play out. Over time it speeds up. The last one went end to end in less than an hour. She called me up wanting us to be together, being excited, and I was agreeable... she kept talking, went from idealizing, to clinging to hater to hanging up on me in just shy of an hour.

We have an amazing ability to automate things we do over and over. When you learn to drive a car, every movement is distinct, you stumble and think about it. After a few years you don't have to think about it, and can do it so fast you are not aware of all the steps you are taking.

It can be like that... .if you keep having the same stuck in a loop behavior, it gets quicker and quicker.

The peace time drops as well. At first they trust you, then they say they do but remember every little thing you did that bothered them, after a number of recycles, they don't trust you and will bait you, to prove they are right about how black you should be painted.

Its like the old movie "War Games"... .the only way to win is not to play.

[ColdEthyl]

BPD is a spectrum disorder, so that makes it difficult to quantify behaviors, since every pwBPD is different.

My dBPDh's cycles lasts no longer than a few hours usually, and it occurs roughly once or twice a month. It's heavier in winter, he believes due to seasonal depression.

If there are life stressors going on, he most likely will dysregulate more often, but the last time I was painted black longer than a couple of hours was 4-5 years ago for 2 weeks.