Car Seat Safety Neglect

[Turkish]

S4 brought this up out of the blue on the way home tonight.

He said that in mommy's car, his 1 year old cousin sat in D2's seat, D2 sat in his booster, and he sat in the middle of them in just the seat belt. My Ex's cousin has been visiting from out of state with her baby. There may be a loophole in California law where "a child under 8 and 4'9" may sit in the front seat if all rear seats are occupied by children under 7." That's concerning enough. If D2 is sitting in S4's booster seat, which is designed for kids 4 (here dependent up height) to 7 years of age, there is no way that the adult belt is sitting properly on her. That is to say, not across her neck. S4 turns S5 in a few days. He's a big kid, in the top percentile for his age, yet he was at the lower limit for the booster (with a back) that I bought for her car a year ago just before their mom moved out.

Though the chances of an accident are slim, they are there. Most of us know people who have been injured or killed in car accidents, possibly so ourselves (well, not being killed or you wouldn't be reading this  

Am I negligent if I say nothing. I'm talking more as a parent, rather than from some legal standpoint. If I say something, will it change anything? Can I get her to admit to it in an email? I'll try. I'm pissed tonight, so I'll sleep on it and send an email tomorrow. I don't worry about triggering her. I did in person this past weekend, yet we had a polite text exchange today on child matters.

I'm cognizant that I can go punitive parent on her (I did this past weekend, first time in over a year), yet I also want to do the right thing. Is this a battle worth starting, or should I just let it go? I really wished she had asked me. I would have no problem loaning her mine for D2, which takes all of 30s to install. I bought one with ratchet anchors. Easy peasy.

Back when S4 was on his way, I felt like I was the only one in the whole family who took the child restaint thing seriously. I was the one who went to a police (highway patrol) sponsored car seat clinic. This, from a child of the 70s and 80s who remembers sitting in the bed of a pick up truck unrestrained. I don't feel like I'm being a helicopter parent on this one.

[11yearsToGo]

I've been there, done that with my son.  Don't get me wrong,  it drove me/drives me crazy.  My DS7 is in a booster with a back.  He was in a 3 point car seat until a year ago.  I figure if they are within the sizes for that seat, my child will be in it.  HOWEVER, his dad is not a cautious.  In fact, I've heard of my DS riding in the FRONT seat of dad's truck in only a seat belt at age 6.   Awesome.  However, I know my ex will simply deny the occasion, my son lived through it and bringing it up will only cause animosity btwn me and his dad.  These are some of those super irritating,  grit your teeth and choose your battles moments. 

Spend enough time listening to family law cases while waiting your turn in court and you'll realize what judges allow to pass as "acceptable parenting."  A rooster that lives in the same bedroom and pecks the 2 year old in his sleep got a "Sir, no more chickens"... .a dad who had rolled his truck while 4Xing with the kids in it, then gave his son 2nd degree burns because he thought it would be funny to throw gasoline on a camp fire was simply ordered to attend co-parenting class with the mom.  No change in custody in either case. 

We had kids with irresponsible people.  My suggestion (and I mean this as a believer) is to pray for your childrens' protection.  That is my comfort.  That God protected my son once again and going to battle with his dad would only hinder my and his dad's ability to interact peacefully around our DS.

[Turkish]

Thank you for your response. Pray... .I do. Things have gotten better with the kids. I don't think she's told them that she is engaged to her bf yet. They kids are young enough that they don't realize that he is her affair partner, and it certainly won't come from me. So I bite the bullet, so to speak, regarding that, as much as it disgusts me. "What's best for the kids," my T said yesterday regarding other issues.

It's sad that much is seen as "good enough parenting" as you said. When I was 14, CPS came out to investigate our living situation. We were living in a cab-over camper, no electricity, but we had propane in the stove to cook. The CPS guy said it was "good enough," and that he had a family in the small rural county living in a tent, but they had heat to cook, and access to water, even if they had no plumbing. The county DA was mad at my mom and was siccing various government agencies on her/us. The CPS guy didn't like that. Decent guy as I recall. The year before, we were living in an unimproved barn shell, no insulation, no plumbing, no outhouse even, and when it was warm, I often ate cold food straight out of tin cans. I was 12 and 13. It just was. Now, a story.

Many years later, my mom recalled that incident. She said that she was surprised that I didn't tell the CPS guy the truth and ask to be taken out of the "home." I said, "I could have done that?" I recall that it may have crossed my mind--- this was in the period of some physical and very bad verbal and mental abuse, my mom utterly dysregulating and messing up our lives. Later in the summer  we spent some time living in the car on the streets of Houston, and in a homeless shelter one night before we drove back to California. My mom's failed dream of starting over in another state. Since I came from foster care, I may have thought to myself, "I only have a few more years until I turn 18. I can make it. Better what you know than what you don't know."

I moved out on my 18th birthday. By then she had bought a house so at least the last half of my senior year of high school I lived in a real home again. I haven't spent a night back in her home since, and never will since it's lapsed into such a state of utter ruin and filth that it would make a good episode on Hoarders.

[ForeverDad]

A question I learned over the years was, Is it 'actionable'?  And as Turkish noted, the bar is set very, very low so it's easy for stepping over, no energetic jumping required.

Also, courts are usually very willing to accept a person's 'promise' to do something.  In my case, I had been blocked from my son's therapy, then-stbEx was trying to use them as negative advocates, she listed me as a 'suspected child abuser' though I had standard dad alternate weekends at the time.  They refused to provide any information, stating I was "likely to be a risk to the health or life of the patient or others".  Next time in court I asked the court for help.  Without asking my then-stbEx about it, magistrate stated I had access by state statute in the temporary order and to try again.  I was still refused.  Next time in court I asked the court for help.  Magistrate asked her to sign any required papers and she agreed.  She never did and the therapy agency still refused.  Next time in court, the third time, reluctantly my lawyer filed a direct motion for records.  Magistrate signed it, I got them within a couple days and nothing had been blacked out, contrary to what my lawyer had warned me.  Time delay?  OVER A YEAR.  Consequences?  None that were obvious.

[livednlearned]

How about a short note to ex: "If you ever need to borrow the car seat when relatives are visiting, please know that you can use mine. I don't want to take the risk that any of the kids are without proper restraint. Without being strapped in, the kids don't stand a chance if god forbid someone were to hit the car."

[Turkish]

I could do that. Her sister goes back tomorrow. I just spent a few hours at S5's bd party. It wasn't the place to bring that up.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago when my ex was blocking all father-child contact while we were between orders - turned out to be 3 months - there were tornado warnings in the area.  Naturally I was concerned about my son.  I called, she actually answered but then immediately hung up.  I figure she had answered the phone before realizing it was me.  I was worried and called my lawyer.  He told me there was nothing to be done and that if I pursued it in court then I'd appear a bit paranoid.  (Note that my ex fit all the traits of Paranoid PD, even more than Borderline PD.)  After all, he said, far more people die in auto accidents than by tornado.

I don't know how your courts would view it.  For sure, your ex ought to have appropriate car seats.  If you're paying child support, she ought to use some of that to buy inexpensive car seats.  But I suspect car seats would be a hot-button topic, not on the level of urgent child abuse, neglect or endangerment, but still a valid concern.  It might be considered child neglect or child endangerment, I just don't know how actionable.

[Turkish]

I bought her then S4's booster with a back for her car (on which I also put the down payment to hasten her departure from my house, despite she taking 4 months to leave), and kept his old really nice transition seat for D then almost 2. It's a very nice seat, and she'll be forced to shell out $ to get a transition seat.  I got my own booster. I also bought an extra booster for her family, who help pick up our son from school. The family reimbursed me for it.

The issue is putting D2 in a booster at least a year before she qualifies (and I don't see how the shoulder belt can't not be across her throat), and putting S5 (just today) in the back like an 8 year old.

Except for the infant seat, I was the new who researched the laws, seats, and bought them. Within the year, she'll have to move D2 into something new. I anticipate having to follow this and help, because I know their mom won't do it right.

I think I still have lingering resentment because for the first 6 months, I wasn't even allowed to bathe them because only she and her mom could do6 it right. Now she's dropping the ball on something that is actually one of the leading killers of kids.

I'll send the note next week when I get back to work, something along the lines of what lnl suggested. Whether or not she responds, it will let her know that I am paying attention.

[Turkish]

Well this is the end of the story:

She brought the kids to church today. D2 called me this morning, even after seeing her last night and about to a hour hence (at church). I might have to talk to their mom about this... .there are other issues going on regarding my replacement.

I saw the set up. She put S5 into the middle of the back seat. The baby seat (D2's) was in another car for use by her little cousin. My Ex said, "Ok, I know this isn't exactly safe... ."   

I told her that she should have just asked me to borrow D2's seat from my car. She said, "my sister asked you over a week ago, but you said the seat was at work." ? I replied, "yes, I recall saying that, but it was only because I left it there for a day because I had to put the back down to haul a piece of electronic equipment for work for one day. I would have been more than happy to bring the seat, especially if I knew exactly what was going to happen." I felt like saying that it was her responsibility to keep our kids safe, not her sister's, but this is one of those things my T said a long time ago: "You can say a lot, but she isn't going to hear a lot, no matter how you say it."

Weird.

[Turkish]

My boss had a good idea, "ask her in an email if she reinstalled the car seat," so I did.

It wasn't really SET, but it was Informative and Firm. I offered to help her if she had a problem talking to anyone about this issue (implying her sister, whose baby was the only safe kid in the car), and said that it is the parent's responsibility to ensure the safety of his or her children. I also said that I hoped that she wasn't doing this if she were transporting other peoples' kids. I included a link to our state's child restraint laws. D2 is 15lbs too small to sit in a booster, and S5 3 years to young to not be in one (incidentally, it would be almost a $1000 fine if she were caught, but I didn't say that). At the end, I pasted info on how many thousands of lives proper restraint had saved over a certain period.

She actually responded with one line, saying that the car seat was back in her car.

[11yearsToGo]

Sounds like you handled it really well.  Your T has good advise.  If these OP's had the ability to listen, we wouldn't even need to tell them because they would have the good sense to be doing the right things all along.  Deep breaths!