Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:40:12 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Why BPD has Constant Fear?  (Read 549 times)
roslinda

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 13


« on: January 22, 2015, 02:50:33 AM »

I need help to understand one thing about BPD - currently almost every other day he finds fault in me and keep saying he wants to separate. The reason he gave me is because he said he scared too much that I will betray him. That I am capable of doing so because with my look and personality anybody will fall for me easily that's what he said. So he said he is in constant fear everyday thinking that I will leave him or betray him for some other men. So, in order not to get hurt in the future he rather and wants to separate now. So that the hurt of me leaving him will not be so painful.

He said he is in constant fear about it almost every day and it take a toll on his well being and disturb his daily life.

Crazy as it sound... .very crazy indeed... .but I am trying my level best to understand from where all those fear coming from? and how come it became so real to him as if I already told him that I'm leaving him for some other men!

Please make me understand how this thought can become fear?

And how this fear can become reality to him?

And why this delusional pain and fear... .can make him decide to leave me?

And I also believed that this delusional pain and fear... .can make him having an affair just to sooth himself and not feeling soo painful if ever I leave him for some other men later on... .

I just unable to comprehend any of this madness thought going on in his head. He or many other BPD just do not have any sense of logic... .facts... .reality... .and sensibility... .

They are totally detach from all of the above!

My question is how that could happen to someone's mind/brain/feeling? How it's developed and evolved?

I just could not understand the whole flow of how they process reality and facts?

Do they by mean living in fantasy all the times? Imagining things and make it happen?

Or it is they are incapable to LOVE? To Love himself and to Love others... .

Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Copperfox
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134



« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2015, 08:32:26 AM »

This post from 2010 may help explain these withdrawing behaviors:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=126973.msg1249723#msg1249723

The Borderline perceives love as punitive and harsh and leading to abandonment.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2015, 09:42:14 AM »

It can be difficult to separate the content of what he is saying (you are going to leave me) from the feelings of what he is saying (fear of abandonment).

BPD sufferers are extremely rejection sensitive. While many of us don't experience the intensity of rejection in the same way, we do know what it feels like to be rejected. When you respond to your H, you might be tempted to say, "I will never leave you, I love you." Or something that, while true for you, inadvertently invalidates how your H feels.

That's why you see so much about validation on the site. You validate the feelings your H has, "You feel scared I might leave you." Even though it might be true, saying "I have no intention of leaving you," that can actually feel invalidating to someone who is gripped with fear of abandonment.

I had to learn this the hard way with my son, who at 9 would say things like he didn't want to live. Of course I wanted him to live, and loved him, and so many people in our life loved him -- but saying those things did not make a difference and even made him feel worse. Only when I learned to validate, "You must feel so sad right now. Did something happen that made you feel this sad?"

You cannot tell someone to stop being afraid. In my experience, you can only validate that they feel that fear, and in doing so, hope to help them regulate those feelings so they aren't so intense.

Logged

Breathe.
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2015, 10:15:21 AM »

I often call this sort of behavior crazy-making. It is just soo hard to make heads or tails of it.

I think you described the problem pretty well here... .

Please make me understand how this thought can become fear?

And how this fear can become reality to him?

And why this delusional pain and fear... .can make him decide to leave me?

And I also believed that this delusional pain and fear... .can make him having an affair just to sooth himself and not feeling soo painful if ever I leave him for some other men later on... .

I just unable to comprehend any of this madness thought going on in his head. He or many other BPD just do not have any sense of logic... .facts... .reality... .and sensibility... .

They are totally detach from all of the above!

To give you a little perspective on what is going on in his head, think about what happens when somebody is completely overcome by a negative emotion. I'm sure you've seen it happen to other people, and likely experienced it yourself. Being so angry that they can't see straight. Or being overcome by grief at the loss of someone like a parent or a child.

The emotions are SO POWERFUL that any and all rational thought gets lost, and people fall back into a very primitive fight/flight/freeze response to the threat.

This only happens to you or me very rarely, and in a situation where it is understandable.

Your husband doesn't have the tools to manage his emotions. They spool up to that level every day. It has to be unbelievably exhausting to live that way.

And since he does stuff that makes the situation worse in his out-of-control mode, he has a new reason to spin out of control tomorrow when the consequences of today's actions hit him.



And believe it or not... .this is where the hope lies for you and your marriage. YOU can make changes that will help both you and him. It isn't easy, and no specific results are guaranteed, especially for him. I will promise you that if you stick around here, keep posting, and are open to what you can do to improve the situation, you will find ways to improve your life, no matter what he does.

Hang in there!

 GK
Logged
roslinda

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 13


« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2015, 04:14:26 AM »

Thank you everybody for replying and helping me out... .

But, somehow rather I felt nothing that I will do can amend the relationship. I helpless... .I think I almost give up... .

I said I love him... .doesn't work... .I said I will stay... .doesn't work... .I play soft and gentle... .doesn't work... .I tried to keep quite... .doesn't work... .I tried to acting out... .doesn't work... .I give in... doesn't work... .I fight back... .doesn't work... .I tried to make sense... .doesn't work... .i tried to talk doesn't work... .and worst is I love him sincerely also... .doesn't work... .

To me bottom line is... .nothing will work on them... .Nothing... .I have come to a conclusion nothing will work... .but only despair... hurt... .frustration... pain and sadness for me... .

Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2015, 07:24:17 AM »

  I wish you something that works.

You sound like you are at the limit of what you can take. 

I tried nearly all those things myself once. The thing I found that did work was enforcing boundaries. I'd like to help you figure out how to do that.

When you list everything you did, and say it doesn't work, I think you mean that what you are doing doesn't change his behavior. What is he doing?

Is he raging?

Is he blaming you for things you aren't doing?

Something else?

Please tell us more specifically what he's doing, and we can offer you suggestions on how to stop it with boundary enforcement.


If you are ready to end your marriage, we can help you make a plan to get out safely--This will trigger him, and he could act badly. Especially if he has ever been physically violent with you before.
Logged
roslinda

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 13


« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2015, 06:42:39 AM »

Dear All,

To answer to GK questions... .before I was married to him while I was dating with him... .I have many men friends who was very much interested with me... .most of them interested with me for more than 20 years but I was never in any relationship with them in any intimate relationship. But, we remain as very good friends who helped me out in ups and down in my life. I have many friends before I married to him... .I have many very good trustworthy long reliable friendships that I can rely my life on them. I also have many many great lovely girlfriends. My life was very healthy. I love my life before. My life was full and contented. I spend times with them... .we planned life a lot... .we shared and we help each other. Life was very normal to me.

When I was dating him... .at the early stage of my relationship with him... .I did a flirting text messages on my fb to one of my male friend. It was a flirting and teasing texting... .nothing like a sex chat at all... .merely flirting and teasing. I am not in denial position now because I am capable to differentiate between sex chat and flirting textes. And he violated my privacy by getting into my phone and reads all my msg in fb... whatsapp... text... email and all... .And found this one particular flirting text which make him acting out in total shock to me.

He got drunk... .he was at rage to me... .calling me sluts... b___... .c**k sucker... .and all kind of names calling... .and go on and on and on for 6-7 hours non stops and he kicked the car door until it's broken... .and he hits his head to the steering wheel until it bleeds... .

Since it was my first life experienced facing this kind of behaviour I was in total shocked and have no idea what is going on... .he then continue to shout at me... .he cried uncontrollably... .keep on crying and crying... and drinking... .and hitting the car and hitting his head... .interchangeably for almost 6-7 hours.

And I was crying and crying because I was hurt with his words and finally I composed because the drama took very long and I really have no idea what was going on and I really have no knowledge at all of how to handle the situation. But I finally managed to make him went back to house... .and inside the house he changed from being hostile and raging... .he went into depression telling me how much it's hurt him... .and he felt down on the floor and curl up in fetus position and cried... .and cried... .and cried... .and cried... .profusely non stop for one hour and weeping and crying like a baby while curling up in fetus position... .

First time in my life I witnesses such an incident. It was just a flirting text... .why all those hitting himself... .why all those bleeding himself... .why all those weeping and crying in fetus baby style?

Since that day... .every other day he will started calling me sluts... b___... .and all other worst name calling... .

And the most bizzare part is... .he keeps on saying it was a sex chat... and keep on saying I having all sex chat with all my male friends... .and I like to have sex chat with men... .and I like to f**k men... .that I F**k all men... .that I like all D**k... .that I am a betrayal... .that I am a cheater... .And of course all those are not me... .

And he put conditions that if I want the marriages going I must cut all ties and friendship with all my men friends... .which I did... I loose all of them... .just trying to keep the marriage going. But, he never satisfied... .everyday he insult me... .shame me... guilt me... .and degrade me... and constantly abuse me emotionally and mentally.

To cut it short he always said he wants to divorce me or leave me by saying I'm not worth it... .that I dun deserve him... .I came to a final stage where I finally able to accept it and I said to him 2 days ago... .go ahead divorced me. I dun give a damn anymore. I will no longer allow him treats me like this. Currently he is away from home due to work commitment. God knows what he will do to me once he back home.

But, ironically since these 2 days I did not reply his textes and entertained his insulting textes... .and stay firm saying that I dun care if he wants to divorce me and I had enough already.

Finally he sent me this textes just now... .he said... .all my life I just hope u were not like what you did... .But it was the reality... .And till now I cant accept it... .And I did warned you... .I just could never want that... .I really hope it never happened... .But in real life... .it did happened... .And I am suffering... .to end my suffer I choose way out... .I can't go on... .I am sorry in process I admitted I hurt you... .Even though out of rage and hurt it was never a reason for me to do so... .And on ur side, I can't keep hurting u unintentionally... .I am sorry I did... .But I can't go on... .I am suffering... .

It kind of sound to me like a suicide notes... .quite scary though... .But I hope he is okay... .

I know it is very long... .but all I wish is help... .because I totally really have no skills and knowledge at all of how to managed the whole situation... .thank you very much in advance... .
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2015, 07:50:10 AM »

roslinda, that kind of note IS really scary. Any sort of suicidal talk is something to take very seriously. If you have time, please read these two topics we have.

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

This seems particularly scary because he is far enough away that you don't really know what is going on with him.

Please try to find any local resources that can help him deal with this. There are suicide hotlines where you can call for help, and talk to somebody who is better trained to deal with it than you are.

If you can get one to talk to him, that would be very helpful. Even if you can't, you will get better ideas talking to them yourself.


You sound scared about what he might do when he returns too.

Are you afraid that he will harm himself?

Has he tried to commit suicide before, or spoken of suicide before?

What about him harming you or your baby?

  Hang in there! I know this is unbelievably difficult to deal with. Please don't try to handle it all alone!

 GK
Logged
roslinda

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 13


« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2015, 09:24:32 AM »

Dear GK,

Thank you for helping out... .I just text him asking has he had his dinner... .and he said not hungry and currently he is drinking... .

No he never talked about suicide

he never talked about killing himself

But he did destructive impulsive behaviour like driving fast

and drinking way too much!

Only once I saw scratching himself with knife

And bang his head to wall

I think I just keep on texting him and calling him just to make sure he is engaged... .

Thank you so much GK... .really appreciate it... .
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2015, 09:34:48 AM »

That sounds like a relief. At least a little tiny bit of relief.

Self-destructive behavior like driving too fast can be very dangerous, but isn't quite the same as suicide. The results are potentially just as bad though. 

And self-harming (like cutting, or banging his head on a wall or the steering wheel) is actually something entirely different than trying to commit suicide. It is a way of coping with emotional stress using physical pain. Note. It is not a particularly GOOD coping mechanism... .but it is one, and it may be the best one he's got.

We have a topic that helps you understand that kind of behavior too. I recommend you read it as well.

Self injury and self harm

Hang in there!

  GK
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!