How do we address this

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A number of months ago BPD mother (ex dil) took all the money from gd (aged 12) bank account leaving only $1. It is a significant amount of money that gd had earned through doing jobs and presents.  The account says it was taken to buy a computer for ex dil. Gd needless to say was upset. Son (father of gd) waited some weeks before addressing this and did it in a non confrontational way.  Ex dil denied knowledge of the account (she set it up) and said she didn't know what he was talking about.  He let it go for the moment.  

Gd confronted her mother and asked why.  Ex dil told gd she didn't have any money. This is not true as she took most of the settlement money (a significant amount nearly $300000) she has had 2 overseas holidays last year and is always out at restaurants. She shows no interest in working lives off government money, rent assistance etc and of course money  for gd she gets from son.  The point is she lies to welfare agencies, to son and worst of all to gd. She has this amazing sense of entitlement.  

My question is do we tell gd her mother is lying about how much money she has as all gets blamed on to son (he does not have alot of money)?  :)o we state the facts?  It is such a bad example to gd. How would you explain it?

We the grandparents will replace the money into a new account but I feel I don't want to be taken advantage of again (and it has been done before) and some how there may need to be a gentle wake up call or gd and ex dil will keep on expecting us to finance them always.

[mother in law]

A number of months ago BPD mother (ex dil) took all the money from gd (aged 12) bank account leaving only $1. It is a significant amount of money that gd had earned through doing jobs and presents.  The account says it was taken to buy a computer for ex dil. Gd needless to say was upset. Son (father of gd) waited some weeks before addressing this and did it in a non confrontational way.  Ex dil denied knowledge of the account (she set it up) and said she didn't know what he was talking about.  He let it go for the moment.  

Gd confronted her mother and asked why.  Ex dil told gd she didn't have any money. This is not true as she took most of the settlement money (a significant amount nearly $300000) she has had 2 overseas holidays last year and is always out at restaurants. She shows no interest in working lives off government money, rent assistance etc and of course money  for gd she gets from son.  The point is she lies to welfare agencies, to son and worst of all to gd. She has this amazing sense of entitlement.  

My question is do we tell gd her mother is lying about how much money she has as all gets blamed on to son (he does not have alot of money)?  :)o we state the facts?  It is such a bad example to gd. How would you explain it?

We the grandparents will replace the money into a new account but I feel I don't want to be taken advantage of again (and it has been done before) and some how there may need to be a gentle wake up call or gd and ex dil will keep on expecting us to finance them always.

[david]

First I would make sure all monies are out of BPDmoms access.

I think I would let gd know what happened with the money. Is there a way you can take gd to the bank and find out how the money was withdrawn. Maybe go to the bank before to find out how much info you are allowed to have. Gd will be able to see that the bank, as an independent source with no interest in gd, has the information her mom is keeping from her. If the information says she bought a computer with the money then I think that is fair for gd to know.

Listen to gd and validate her. Then suggest that this is a unique one time event and that you will be replacing the money in another account that is protected. You can spend time on talking to gd about ways to protect yourself in other situations that mirror what happened that don't necessarily include her mom.

Depending on BPDmom you may want to let her know ahead of time so she can do the right thing. If you don't see that as a possibility then keep her out of the loop.

Thieves tend to continue their own purposes regardless of what is right or wrong.

[mother in law]

Thanks David, we are about to make sure all money is out of BPD mum's access ie open another account. Gd does know her mother stole the money and why but as said when she asked her BPD mother said she doesn't have much money (lie). Gd was too scared to push it further cause in her words "mummy gets very angry and follows me around saying mean things".

My point is:

1) am happy to bail gd out this time, but how do we as a team say in a nice way "I am not going to do this every time BPD mother lies, steals and feels entitled to what she wants". A line/boundary needs to be drawn here so there is not this expectation in the future that we will always bail BPD mum's actions out.

2) How do we say this nicely, tactfully and without pointing fingers at BPD mother.

We (the grandparents) feel it is a very bad example to a 12 year old to lie, steal and feel entitled to take what you want from anyone and not get off your butt and work for it. We have tried very hard not to point a finger at her mother as one person painting others black is more than enough for a 12 year old to deal with.

3) Do we explain that mum is not poor and that she took 2/3 of the money while dad got 1/3 and she  is just plain lazy and dishonest with this expectation that everyone else can work and pay for her while she lives off the govt and whoever else she can! Sounds harsh I know but sadly it is the truth and stealing from your children when you are not cash poor is about as low as you can go. I realize we cannot say all that as harshly as that to gd but I really worry gd will regard this as normal behavior. I guess I don't see any way out of explaining our expectations without involving some degree of negative comments re BPD mother.

4)Does someone have to set a boundary with BPD mother re daughters money? If so how?

[david]

You have to consider the age of the child. At 12 how much does she need to know. Telling her that this is a one time thing and that "we" are putting safeguards so this doesn't happen again should be enough.

I discovered , in my situation, that trust is the most important thing for children. They need to know that they can come to you and feel safe enough to tell you what is on their mind. Our two boys learned that years ago. I know they trust me because they tell me whatever happens at their mom's that upsets them. I listen and validate. Validation is extremely important. They need to know they are being heard.

I am currently going through court ordered co parent counseling. Ex is very upset that I know so much about what is going on in her house and she has no idea what is going on at my place. It's really simple. The boys trust me and have learned that saying things to their mom usually turns into an attack towards them. They decided that it was better to be silent at their mom's for fear of retribution. Ex insisted I was using the boys as spies. I pointed out that some of the things we discussed at the meeting were incomplete because I didn't ask them to elaborate. I listen and validate. When they ask me my opinion I give it.

You can point out that mom has gone on a few trips which cost money so you are not sure why mom insists she has no money. Instead of saying mom is a liar maybe mom just doesn't know how to budget her money wisely and that can be a teaching moment about financial responsibility. Eventually gd will figure it out.

[mother in law]

Thank you David.  Good advice.  Much as I am a straight talker I realise it it won't work with a BPD person. I like the way of gently saying to gd this is a one off occurrence.  I feel we should open the new account and transfer the money with her present. This can also be a lead into validating her being afraid to question her mother. We try hard to validate gd. She is very guarded in what she says to us it is sad but I think she feels responsible for her mother at times.  This has rocked her world and beliefs though.

I do worry though that because her mother has worked out very quickly as a new migrant to this country how to use the system ie get the most money/ services she can from the govt (while doing nothing), us,  ex husband and is now stealing from gd that this will rub off on gd. She is not a good role model even if you take away all the anger issues.

Has anyone else out there had to deal with this ie such an amazing sense of entitlement that they steal from there children? ?

[Nope]

We keep having to explain to the kids that the money in their piggy banks isn't "family money". Which tell us some things about what went on at their mom's.

[david]

I am currently going through court ordered co parent counseling. EX accused me of alienating the boys from her. I pointed out several things that happened when ex first left. The examples clearly showed that ex was the one trying to alienate. I also explained what I did/said to counter the alienation. The counselor actually said I was doing fine. The fact is ex is the one alienating her own children from her by her actions and behaviors. Her actions have consequences.

[GaGrl]

I have a cousin who is dBPD.  She has three children, 2 of them still in middle/high school.  We learned several years ago that money given to the children for holiday gifts was taken by Cousin.  The intent had been to help with school uniforms, etc.  (Cousin and her husband can't hold decent jobs -- pretty low-functioning.)  Since then, everyone waits until the children are separated from their mother at family gatherings and gives the money directly to each of them -- no cards, nothing to indicate that the children received anything.  The kids know the deal -- "This is for YOU to spend as you need."

Sad, but there is no adult fiscal responsibility in the household, and enormous entitlement.

[livednlearned]

Do you need to replace the money? I'm asking because this is a painful but true part of their relationship, and if you lessen the consequence for GD, then you put yourself in the middle of something that is between GD and her mom, painful as it is.

I would ask GD what she wants to do. Does she want you to set up a separate account? Without maligning her mom, you can ask her what she thinks is best, given that her mom has different boundaries with other people's money. Maybe see if you can find an account where two people have to access it in order to make a withdrawal. There are some accounts here where there is a penalty if you withdraw more than a certain number of times a year, or outside certain windows of time. Talking about that kind of thing with GD might help her understand that it's more about having the boundary than it is about the money, although that doesn't lessen the pain of losing the money.

If you do this one time, you tell exDIL that there really are no consequences. The next time it happens, if you don't replace the money, exDIL will blame you to GD. "mother in law must not love you."

My guess is that GD already knows full well her mom lies about money. She may not have the whole picture or know the extent, but she knows. What she really needs is for an adult to help her learn how she can have boundaries with her mom. They may be strange boundaries if you don't understand BPD (like having an account your mom can't access), but that's a much more valuable lesson to her than just replacing money that her mom took from her.

And you also show GD that you trust she can solve these problems her mom creates, with your guidance of course. I undermined my son a lot when he got to this age, and see now that he really needed to know that I had confidence in him to resolve things on his own. I'm not 100% at this, but I try to give him options, then think out loud about the solutions, the pros and cons, and then let him decide what he wants to do. I always offer to help, and also offer my opinion if he asks.

[ForeverDad]

Is this a fraud of some sort, that is, legally actionable?

Maybe see if you can find an account where two people have to access it in order to make a withdrawal.

My guess is that GD already knows full well her mom lies about money. She may not have the whole picture or know the extent, but she knows. What she really needs is for an adult to help her learn how she can have boundaries with her mom. They may be strange boundaries if you don't understand BPD (like having an account your mom can't access), but that's a much more valuable lesson to her than just replacing money that her mom took from her.

IF exDIL has rights as a parent, then be careful how the account is set up.  You don't want exDIL to have the capability to go in as Mother and "sign as parent" in GD's name.  I'm not sure of the type of account to create, just don't assume a parent can't get at a minor's account. Maybe require two signatures for withdrawals with signers being GD, S and maybe you or another trusted relative?

A number of months ago BPD mother (ex dil) took all the money from gd (aged 12) bank account leaving only $1. It is a significant amount of money that gd had earned through doing jobs and presents.  The account says it was taken to buy a computer for ex dil. Gd needless to say was upset... .Ex dil denied knowledge of the account (she set it up) and said she didn't know what he was talking about.  He let it go for the moment. 

Gd confronted her mother and asked why.  Ex dil told gd she didn't have any money. This is not true as she took most of the settlement money (a significant amount nearly $300000) she has had 2 overseas holidays last year and is always out at restaurants. She shows no interest in working lives off government money, rent assistance etc and of course money for gd she gets from son.  The point is she lies to welfare agencies, to son and worst of all to gd. She has this amazing sense of entitlement.

One aspect of the problem is that exDIL doesn't get consequences.  In effect, that encourages her sense of entitlement to keep doing it.  If she can't get at the money next time, she'll just try it another way.  I don't know if it would do any good reporting her misreporting to the government, these days it doesn't care about the rules very much, after all, it's not its money it is giving away.

[NorthernGirl]

IF exDIL has rights as a parent, then be careful how the account is set up.  You don't want exDIL to have the capability to go in as Mother and "sign as parent" in GD's name.  I'm not sure of the type of account to create, just don't assume a parent can't get at a minor's account. Maybe require two signatures for withdrawals with signers being GD, S and maybe you or another trusted relative?

This is a good point. DH had set up a bank account for SS20 (who has developmental delays). His ex knew this and at first had nothing to do with it. Then we stopped getting bank statements. DH asked SS20 if he knew what was going on and he said "mom took me to the bank to get it all fixed." Sure enough, she had changed the account, including taken DH off as a contact. I was shocked the bank allowed her to do that since DH set up the account in the first place. DH and his ex are joint guardians, so DH went to the bank with the paperwork and asked why he was taken off. All they had on record was that she had come in with SS20 and had him sign a document to say he wanted her as the only contact. He is now back on the account.

When DH looked back on the account when she took it over, he realized she had bought a gift for SS20 using his own money so he emailed his ex about that, who of course just sent off nasty emails in response.  At least she knows he is watching her now.

[Boss302]

Do you need to replace the money? I'm asking because this is a painful but true part of their relationship, and if you lessen the consequence for GD, then you put yourself in the middle of something that is between GD and her mom, painful as it is.

I would ask GD what she wants to do. Does she want you to set up a separate account? Without maligning her mom, you can ask her what she thinks is best, given that her mom has different boundaries with other people's money. Maybe see if you can find an account where two people have to access it in order to make a withdrawal. There are some accounts here where there is a penalty if you withdraw more than a certain number of times a year, or outside certain windows of time. Talking about that kind of thing with GD might help her understand that it's more about having the boundary than it is about the money, although that doesn't lessen the pain of losing the money.

If you do this one time, you tell exDIL that there really are no consequences. The next time it happens, if you don't replace the money, exDIL will blame you to GD. "mother in law must not love you."

My guess is that GD already knows full well her mom lies about money. She may not have the whole picture or know the extent, but she knows. What she really needs is for an adult to help her learn how she can have boundaries with her mom. They may be strange boundaries if you don't understand BPD (like having an account your mom can't access), but that's a much more valuable lesson to her than just replacing money that her mom took from her.

And you also show GD that you trust she can solve these problems her mom creates, with your guidance of course. I undermined my son a lot when he got to this age, and see now that he really needed to know that I had confidence in him to resolve things on his own. I'm not 100% at this, but I try to give him options, then think out loud about the solutions, the pros and cons, and then let him decide what he wants to do. I always offer to help, and also offer my opinion if he asks.

As hard as it is to say, I agree with this approach. My uBPDx stole money from my kids all the time - from their joint accounts they had set up for her, from D18's graduation fund, and even pilfered the checks their grandparents and relatives sent them for birthdays and holidays (I decided not to tell my mom about that... .).

Most recently, uBPDx agreed to pay for an expensive private school for D18, and epic-failed that, leaving D18 with an unpaid bill of about $15,000. When D18 decided to go along with the insane plan her "mom" cooked up for her, I told her this could be an outcome, but she didn't listen. I had to let her get screwed over. Needless to say, neither kid trusts "mom" at all when it comes to money anymore. And they had to go through a boatload of pain to come to that point.

DISGUSTING behavior... .but I'm kind of with LnL, unless this was some huge sum of money, I'd be inclined to let it happen and not replace the money. Kids need to start setting boundaries with a BPD parent as early as possible, and that, unfortunately, involves a LOT of pain.

I say, better to learn that now, when the kid's 12, than to learn it the harder way when she's 30, and "mom" takes her for substantial sums of money. Maybe tell the kid that you can't replace the account now, but you'll set up a new account for her for her birthday (or somethng) that "mom" can't get at. And validate her when she tells you how disappointed she is... .and make sure she knows you won't be confronting her "mom" over it. That means the kid won't suffer when you confront dear old mommy. It'll be between you two.

As much as we want to spare our kids from pain when it comes to a BPD parent, we can't. And I think experiencing a certain amount of pain is actually healthy in the long run. It means they begin to set boundaries. And boundaries are how they survive with a parent like this. Better to start now, versus 20 years from now.

[mother in law]

Boss 302/Livednlearned, no we do not have to replace the money but as we have already offered I feel we should or it will be another adult that gd cannot rely on if we don't at this stage. My gut feeling in the beginning was to not replace it as it was playing into dil sense of entitlement but then I thought the one being punished is the one with no power my gd and as the offer is there now we have to find a safe way around it.

I agree it is stepping into the problem between mother and daughter but there is not an easy answer, the flip side of this is that if we don't let her know that we/the community value her contribution in working for money and that this is the right thing to do she may feel what is the point and turn out lazy, not working and be a welfare bludger and cheat like her mother. Harsh words I know but I cannot find any other words for her (she does not get it from her family either they are hard working). We are all trying very hard to role model in this to show her the right way but the influence of her mother is very strong sometimes.

I think asking gd what she wants to do is a good idea but somehow we are going to need to say our wishes as I am not willing to give money that exdil has access to. As for the account it will be linked to my son's account but as you have all warned me we will have to research the safety of this so exdil cannot access it. We live in Australia so the laws may be different than America.

A condition of giving the money will be that the mother does not get told about this account. This bit may be hard for a 12 year old but it will be a condition of the gift if they cannot do it, it will not happen. I do not trust exdil! Son and gd will be advised it is time to start creating boundaries for themselves and that perhaps they need to think about it and this is a beginning in the process. How do I explain this in simple terms?

"If you do this one time, you tell exDIL that there really are no consequences. The next time it happens, if you don't replace the money, exDIL will blame you to GD. "mother in law must not love you." This is highly on the cards. I may have to wear it if it happens!

I agree GD already knows full well her mom lies about money. I think part of the family chat must be about this is a one off, there is a new account that her mother is not to know about (which puts gd in a difficult position she may not want to be in) and that in future this problem must be solved by both son and gd.

As for the welfare cheating I think if we report her gd will suffer immensely so we will let it go for now. We would also need concrete proof and we don't have it. I am to be honest more worried about the role model her mother is portraying to gd at the moment.

Thank you all for you advice it is great to receive it and also to know we are not the only ones in this ghastly boat. If there is anymore advice out there it will be gratefully received!

[Rubies]

Yes, I think it's very common for BPDs to steal money from their kids.  All the ones I knew did it, xh thought nothing of wiping out the kids accounts or mine and piggy banks whenever he wanted.

It took the grandmas stepping in and setting up double signature savings accounts with 3 names on the accounts.  Childs, mine, and the Grandma.  Two in-person signatures required to make a withdrawal, no online or telephone transfers allowed.

No, we didn't lie or minimize the thefts, or minimize the damage it does to children when they learn their parent is an untrustworthy thief who steals from children.  Let the BPD minimize their behavior, not me.  I'm validating the kid and helping them find ways to cope and protect themselves from future incidences.

[mother in law]

Rubies did anyone volunteer to do what we have ie replace the money but withrconditions applied?  What was the effect of all this on the children?  As I said it's not a simple question.  The problem is I basically agree with all that has been said but I also disagree with the role model of her mother and that at the moment looms large. I like your idea of double signature accounts and will advise this.

[livednlearned]

I can see what you mean -- if you have told GD you will replace the money, then you've made a promise. Better to keep it at this point. However, if you have already told GD, she may have already told her mom. That might not be a condition she can keep, so it's best to be prepared for that.

I think you can have a chat with her that sums up the issues, without maligning her mom.

"People have different values when it comes to money. Some people are hard-working, some people are impulsive, some people are very careful about where they save and invest their money. I admire how hard you worked to make this money, and those are my values too. I said we would replace the money, but it's a gift from me, only this one time, and it will make me very sad if anyone but you uses this money. You earned it, you saved it, and it is yours, not for anyone else to use. So I'm putting conditions on this money, which is that it goes into an account that is set up like xyz."

Does your GD have an enmeshed relationship with her mom? Is her mom likely to guilt her or bully her into withdrawing the cash for her? If so, you might want to make clear how you will respond if something like that happens. Or try to set things up so that it's not likely to happen.

[Deb]

No, we didn't lie or minimize the thefts, or minimize the damage it does to children when they learn their parent is an untrustworthy thief who steals from children.  Let the BPD minimize their behavior, not me.

My dBPD sister stole from her oldest 2 children. Not neccessarily money, but she would buy them things and then steal what she bought them. Usually she bought gifts that SHE wanted, like an expensive brand of perfume. One that niether daughter particularly liked. Or a radio. My sister has a "thing" for radios.

She was more upfront about money: What was hers was hers, what was theirs was hers also. When one child objected to giving ALL of her babysitting money to BPD, she was tossed out. At 14. With a paper bag of her belongings.

[david]

My ex makes a very good salary. Towards the end of our marriage she used to go dumpster diving with our two boys. They were 4 and 8 at the time. they both thought it was weird and talked to me about it. I tried talking to her and she denied it of course.

[mother in law]

Thanks livednlearned your advice on what to say is great and very helpful to me.  As a straight talker I admit that is where I fall down! I think there is some emeshment there but I think this episode has rocked gds world and she is not quite so trusting now. 

I also don't think as a  12 year olds she gets the financial situation that exists or understands the moral implications of her mother's behaviour. Gd probably doesn't need to know at this stage how obnoxious her mother was in meditation (even the mediators told my son they felt sorry for him and they are meant to be impartial) and that is why she got most of the money.  Gd at times acts like her mother ie not wanting to help and wanting money for nothing  she thinks this is normal and her right and that is what we are trying to change - I realise this is also normal for that age group. Hence my attitude as she did work for this money.

Sadly this never goes away does it? ? It is either this, game playing to keep control (lots of this), constant fabrications of the truth and lots of painting people black. 

[Rubies]

It does seem this incident may be a wake up call for your GD that her mother's behavior is very hurtful, it is not normal and is not something to emulate.   We don't treat people that way.    Not only do we not treat other people that way, we learn to use tools to protect ourselves from people who do.

12 years old a certainly not too young to start dealing with reality.

The grandmas replaced the money a couple of times when they knew he'd taken their gift money.  Setting up the accounts and finding better hiding places slowed the thieving down.   Fortunately xh would never pull up the skirt of a doll and look in her panties for cash.  :D

[mother in law]

had a talk to gd and son last night. She brought up the money again. She stated that mummy said when asked about the money " did daddy tell you? Well I don't have much money and I needed a new computer, that's alright isn't it?".

Gd stated "I was too sacred to say no". I said I understood and praised her for earning the money and saving it and said how proud we were that she could do this.

I then asked "if I replace the money how are you going to keep it safe?". Her reply "open another account and not tell mummy". Me "have you told mummy about the money replacement?,  gd "no". I let the subject go as we were in a car and I wanted it to be face to face for any other talking.

Rang son and told him of the talk he said gd is right if you oppose exdil she follows you around ranting about everyone and everything and this will go on for hours and it then descends into long silences of days. He also says if he (son) questions  exdil her answer will be "gd feels sorry for me and gave me the money". It's all a no win situation.

My questions are:

1) what would you advise me to say to gd?

2) how should gd respond to her mother?

3)should son or any of us pursue this matter or just put in the safe guards to try and prevent it happening again?

Thanks for your help it is soo gratefully received.

[david]

Sounds like gd has mom figured out.

When my ex left our boys were 4.5 and 8.5 years old. They were too scared to challenge their mom too. As the older boy got to around ten he started questioning her a little. That was met with anger. By the time he got to twelve he became strong enough to confront her about things. He is now 16 and he is painted black in his mom's eyes. Our youngest is 11 now and he is sort of following the same process his older brother did.

[livednlearned]

My questions are:

1) what would you advise me to say to gd?

2) how should gd respond to her mother?

3)should son or any of us pursue this matter or just put in the safe guards to try and prevent it happening again?

I came across some great advice -- can't remember if it was in Divorce Poison or where exactly. The suggestion was to have a very clear conversation about the difference between keeping secrets, protecting privacy, lying, and even plain old forgetting. It was really helpful back when I was trying to make sure S13 didn't tell his dad everything, without making him feel like lying was ok. Very casually for weeks and months, I would bring up scenarios and ask him if it was an example of lying or privacy or keeping secrets. It's a great exercise to help kids understand that withholding information from one parent is nuanced, and has to do with values.

Scenarios like: you have popsicles in the freezer and your friend comes over to hang out. She wants to know if there's anything like ice cream to eat. You forget about the popsicles in there. Tell friend no, nothing like that to eat. Friend finds them in the freezer. Were you lying?

My son really liked doing this. He even brought up things that happened at his dad's, and we talked about how when you're a kid, telling a white lie is a way to protect yourself, particularly with an adult who has problems managing their anger. We talked about how there are better ways to have boundaries, but it takes time and practice to do that, and he could try things with friends then build up to adult relationships.

That way you let GD know that keeping the information from her mom is about protecting her privacy as opposed to withholding information or lying. Because chances are, her mom is going to want to know where GD puts her money when she earns it or receives gifts from people.

For that reason, it might be a good idea to research what kind of account you can set up first before deciding how to let the mom know it exists, and make sure there is a way to prevent her from accessing it. Then let her know about it at a time when GD is less likely to take the brunt of it. I always tried to direct the fury toward me and away from S13 if possible, but not until I had a chance to get ahead of things -- N/BPDx was so predictable that it made it fairly easy to prepare S13.

[Rubies]

Besides a bit of spending money kept in the panties of a doll on the shelf, DDs were able to honestly tell the BPD parent, "I don't have access to that account, talk to Grandma."  The matter was dropped.  Let the BPD paint the least vulnerable person black, not the child.

[mother in law]

Rubies I did have to laugh at the money in the doll's panties.  Very ingenious. Thanks for the good advice lnl re privacy against lying I will try that one and David yes I think gd has worked it out but at 12 feels powerless. How do children come out anywhere near normal? ?

[david]

I think that my two boys learned that you can't trust everyone and that trust is something you earn. They both have slowly brought things they value to my residence for safe keeping. My ex doesn't steal their things but they do disappear and reappear at her place. It doesn't happen at my place so I figure they are telling me the truth and not just misplacing their things.

[Panda39]

Besides a bit of spending money kept in the panties of a doll on the shelf, DDs were able to honestly tell the BPD parent, "I don't have access to that account, talk to Grandma."  The matter was dropped.  Let the BPD paint the least vulnerable person black, not the child.

Depending on what the banking options are the above may be the way to go... .have dad open an account in his name only where Gd can put her money.  Then even if mom pressures her to pull out money she actually can't.

And can I say hiding money in the dolls panties absolutely cracked me up! What an ingenious hiding place 

[ForeverDad]

Besides a bit of spending money kept in the panties of a doll on the shelf, DDs were able to honestly tell the BPD parent, "I don't have access to that account, talk to Grandma."  The matter was dropped.  Let the BPD paint the least vulnerable person black, not the child.

This is a concept sometimes mentioned over on the Family Law board... .Let someone else bear the brunt of the pressuring.  Over there it's the ex pressuring us and we are able to divert the direct involvement, Send that to my lawyer.  Not that we want the legal charges to grow but the lawyer's job partly is to handle the issues and pressures that would emotionally impact us.

[mother in law]

Well son had a talk to gd in the weekend.  Told her he would initially open an account attached to his in his name only and she would not have a key card at the moment.  He explained it would always be her money and she could spend it on what she liked but that he didn't want her to be in a position that if mummy found out she had money and she (mother/ex dil) asked for money that it would be difficult to say no.  Gd was very happy with this. 

This all happened after;-)

1-GD told me she needed her own computer for high school but was to scared to ask her mother.  I came up with the idea that if she did jobs for daddy and he payed her pocket money I would match it dollar for dollar but she has to work and not complain.  She loved the idea. ... so I praised her work ethic! ! So a bank account is needed so she can see it grow.

2- She found $2 on the bus when with her mother going to meet her father. Her mother asked if she could have it,  gd said NO mother became very angry!  I think gd understands now that her mother is not to be trusted! ! Perhaps she is doing OK afterall.

[Boss302]

had a talk to gd and son last night. She brought up the money again. She stated that mummy said when asked about the money " did daddy tell you? Well I don't have much money and I needed a new computer, that's alright isn't it?".

Could you just get her the computer she needs?

That way, she knows her needs are being met, and learns a lesson about Mom and who she can really trust.