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Author Topic: Might see her again after months of silent treatment (still silent)  (Read 363 times)
Issy
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« on: January 22, 2015, 06:27:51 AM »

I'm getting silent treatment for half a year now from a friend. And now after these months I might see her again. We will be at the same event. How do I approach her? I want to be friends again.

I never wanted to split, I am still waiting for her. During these months I sended out 5 textmessages, that said something like I love you, I care about you, but I cannot do anything for you unless you tell me whars wrong. The last one I send out was four weeks ago. I said I'll break contact on social media because you hurt me by chatting up to others and sending hidden messages 'to me'. I said I have to protect myself from this hurtful feeling. From what I could see (public groups on the internet) it kind of worked she laid low on the internet. 

But I started to talk on the internet again and now she doing that again too, but it seems more careful. One of the public things she said 'friends of mine thinks... .'' as far as I know it could only have been me because I had expressed that thought to her, and I believe no one else did. So she still considers me as her friend? She also follows me still on one type of social media, after I stopt following her there. (I will not block her there because that's not logical, because I removed contact on social media so I didn't have to see the things she is spreading which hurt me, and she doesn't hurt me by simply following me on this social media thing) So she still wants to be my friend? 

I am sorry for my bad English and I couldn't say things in detail, which could have made things more clearer, but it's because I don't want her to see this. (most likely she won't, she seems in denial of her condition)
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2015, 06:20:08 PM »

Hello, Issy 

How soon is this event coming up? Do you have much time to prepare for the possibility of seeing her again?

It might just be easiest if you try to let bygones be bygones ("forgive and forget", and when you see her, be friendly and open to a positive experience.

Don't push her for more than she is willing to offer, but be open to her affection if she is wanting to do that (since you are interested in having her affection again, and giving her yours, right?).

Is there some time before this event for you to prepare yourself, calm yourself, and get up your courage to try doing that?

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Issy
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2015, 07:29:37 PM »

Hi!

Thank you for your reply. You say the things I want to hear Smiling (click to insert in post). Because that's how I thought. I am going to approach her if I see her with an open mind and forgive. Be confident, friendly and smiling not much else. I thought about just a casual chat about the event and what she thinks of it and maybe I can give her a hug. There is a good chance she will push me away. Shall I push a bit back? I think I kind of would in a kind way like 'I only want to give you a hug' or maybe just try do that to calm her down and say it is ok. I won't push further than that.

This event is in three weeks time. My preparation is also your opinion Smiling (click to insert in post) I am good at forgiving, and good at visualising, this future conversation and other options have already gone through my head.

Now and then I hold a grudge against her though why she never tried to contact me, after I explained to her so many times it hurts me, and that she can give her full attention to others and asks it fully from them, all the while she ignores me, the one that cares the most for her... .There is no caring involved that hurts me like I am nothing. But it's all the condition. I guess I have been important to her at some point. But I don't want to linger in negativity, there will be no (nice) outcome from that. I can only show my best, and if she doesn't want it I have to move on. And send her a letter why, for my own sake and that's that. She has to learn it all by herself then someday... .
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2015, 07:59:27 PM »

I can only show my best, and if she doesn't want it I have to move on.

I do believe that is your situation in a nutshell, Issy... .

The only people we have control over are ourselves, and if we are sincere and loving and doing our best, then we have done what we can to make things better. Our loved ones have to be who they decide to be, and we have to accept that from them. When a relationship works, it's because both sides want it to.

Have you read the links to the right-hand side of this page? THE LESSONS and all of the links would be a good preparation for your event, and something to work on for the next 3 weeks. This also would be a good first start for you: Radical Acceptance for family members, Issy... .Let us know what you think about these things, Okay? No matter which way your meeting goes, the information will give you the knowledge you need to find peace of mind and a way to make things better for yourself 

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2015, 09:33:34 AM »

She has maintained this silence as a way to engage and control the relationship she has with you. She wouldn't be making veiled comments about you if she wasn't still emotionally engaged with you!

However that doesn't mean she knows how to have a healthy relationship with you as a friend.

Start by accepting that any friendship with her will be one where she uses the only tools she has to maintain an relationship, and that they aren't very good tools.

For some sort of 'success' you will have to take the lead when it comes to keeping things healthy between the two of you.

Start by not chasing after her when she needs distance. Don't insist on knowing why she needs distance. Accept that she does, and it is for her own reasons, which may have nothing to do with you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Your level of contact--five texts over 18 months sounds reasonable in this context.

Let her know that she can have all the distance she needs to feel safe with you, preferably through actions more than words.

... .and yes, reading the lessons as Rapt Reader suggested will help you a great deal in this!
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Issy
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« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2015, 04:39:13 PM »

It's hard though 'cause I still think she sees me black. It almost seems like she wants to punch me awake. You know for me I'm not in a fight with her. So it won't happen, I won't punch back. So what now, I really want to be seen normal, might it ever happen? It's over 6 months and still she is that way! Really strange for me how someone can continue this for so long. Well only thing left for me is to show her I'm not in a fight with her, by just acting normal and with open arms. But I don't have much hope it will work, so I leave it. Yes back where we started this conversation. I always go in circles dealing with this. No. End.  I cannot deal with unsolved issues... .
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