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Author Topic: On the sofa again  (Read 434 times)
maxsterling
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« on: January 22, 2015, 08:11:34 AM »

Not sure what brought this about yesterday.  Of course, the things she says brought this about are more than likely secondary to something very deep that I don't understand.  Yesterday morning was the same old "I didn't propose to her correctly" argument.  I told her I would not have conversations about things from the past that cannot be changed now.  She left for her T appointment in anger.  Yesterday was mostly good, we talked on the phone a couple of times and things sounded hopeful.  Last night when I came home from an Alanon meeting, rage again.  Same things - bunch of blame that I did this or that wrong, more stuff that she claims I did wrong in the past, insults about my family.  I told her that I was not going to have conversations with her that included insults about my family.  She continued, so I got up to sleep on the sofa. 

This morning was the same, storming around slamming doors, blaming me for this or that, talking about divorce.  Slamming the door on the way out to her AA meeting.   

I'm going to go for a long walk this morning before I have to leave for work.  I noticed I went from extremely anxious level ten when she was in the house, down to a level 5 when she left.   Maybe the walk will help more to slow my breathing and heart rate. 
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2015, 09:59:02 AM »

 

Hang in there max.  I had a bit of an episode this morning as well... .nothing near your level.  I'm about to post about it.

Trying to see if I see patterns.

Unsolicited advice here:  You seem very aware of your emotional reactions to her rages... .are also aware that you didn't cause them.

When not with her... your "levels" dropped.

I see two solutions. 

Either figure out a way to be in her presence and not let it affect you.

Or

":)epart the pattern... ." (aviator term for flying away)

What I'm reading about you is not worrying me... .I see you taking lots of good mental notes... .observing... .and all that.  I think there is great value in you being around to observe and help with the rages.

However... .as nons... .we know there is a cost to this.   I'm hoping you can do some thinking... .and see if you are ok with the cost.

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maxsterling
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« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2015, 10:55:10 AM »

I'm guessing the "real" trigger issue here is money.  The past few days she has made several "money related" type comments, such as comments about how much stuff costs, not having any money, having bills to pay, having "cheap" appliances in our house, etc.  Of course, she doesn't relay it to me that way, instead it gets twisted into "blame max for all my problems".  But one comment she made regarding money I think gives clues as to what is really going on - to her money means something else.  Last night during her dysregulation she remarked how we won't be able to have a baby because we are spending too much on our wedding.  Lack of money = shame.  Shame for her not being able to take care of herself and be dependent on me.  Shame for not being able to keep a job.  So much of her shame is tied up in money issues. 
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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2015, 01:41:30 PM »

So this morning and last night it was all about how she didn't want to have a wedding, cost too much, none of her friends can make it, etc.  I decided towards peace and quiet today at work, and waited for her to contact me to see where I would go from there.

Now she messaged me asking if we still wanted to meet with a photographer tonight... .  Like nothing happened.  She was supposed to go on a long walk with her AA sponsor today.  That probably had something to do with it.  I bet she also took a Xanax or two.  But good grief - I feel like I've been through the wringer.

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maxsterling
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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2015, 07:05:07 AM »

I was wrong.  Money wasn't much of a root issue here.  It was abandonment/nobody loves me.  She found out her step brother could not make it to the wedding (doesn't have enough money).  It was all projection from there, how my family will all be there (most live close) and most of hers cant.  I will have many friends there, she will have few.  Then that got expanded to her mom and grandma not being able to be there (deceased), and that nobody cares about her and she is unimportant.  That's a common theme for her troubles. 

She told me this during a really heartbreaking, tear filled, self-aware moment.  She then went on to say how she spends all of her time and energy just trying to be stable and normal - going to 12-step meetings, doctors, exercise - and nobody else has to.  She also revealed that she worries that if we tried to have a baby, she may have to have an abortion if her mental health issues get in the way.

All the stuff I worry about with her, she's already worried about 100 times over.  Lots for me to grab onto here and try and work with her on.  I'm working out of town again today (alone) and that will help recharge me.  But these issues I think I will leave alone for the time being.  MC is monday, and I think the real push needs to be to get her a new P and a new T.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2015, 07:44:22 AM »

and I think the real push needs to be to get her a new P 

Yes... .and make sure this P has the full "portfolio" of how mental health has impacted her life... .what she has done... .

And I would also suggest that part of the strategy is to figure out a way for you to be much less involved in her mental health... .and "the system" is much more involved.

Interesting pattern:  Have you tried tracking the time between an issue/worry/projection and when you find out the real thing.  I'm thinking a couple days is norm for you. 

I'm wondering if you see the same pattern... and if you can use that to your advantage... .somehow.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2015, 08:19:43 AM »

Were you wrong about the xanax too? Or do you know?

My take on delay to finding the source... .rage is her way of escaping the source. You won't find anything there, neither will she. You use boundary enforcement to protect yourself from the rage.

Only when the rage runs its course can she get to something underneath it.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2015, 08:34:54 AM »

Interesting pattern:  Have you tried tracking the time between an issue/worry/projection and when you find out the real thing.  I'm thinking a couple days is norm for you. 

I'm wondering if you see the same pattern... and if you can use that to your advantage... .somehow.

Usually 24-48 hours.  And she is more likely to be completely open with me about the root cause these days.    This has definitely improved the past few months.  Part is me (the problems are almost multiple choice if it is not a it is b or c) but a large part of it is her. 

Can I use it to my advantage?  It does help me remain calm and not take things personally.  And it also helps in validating... .
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maxsterling
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« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2015, 08:42:58 AM »

Were you wrong about the xanax too? Or do you know?

I think she can pick up her next script today.  Personally, I don't think this is the right med for her, but for now I think is useful for emergencies.  She does have a P appointment, but not for another months or so.  I wonder if she can see the P sooner. 
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KateCat
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« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2015, 09:04:32 AM »

make sure this P has the full "portfolio" of how mental health has impacted her life... .what she has done... .

And I would also suggest that part of the strategy is to figure out a way for you to be much less involved in her mental health... .and "the system" is much more involved.

Maybe the most important goal for you, max. (Not least to protect yourself morally and financially from harm she might cause to others when she is in a crisis state.)

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maxsterling
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« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2015, 10:35:39 AM »

She's definitely "winding down".  We had a decent convo last night.  Apparently, an ex girlfriend contacted her on FB last night after 20 years (my wife lived as a lesbian for a few years).  She was asking my advice whether to continue contacting her.  She wanted to, as a means of re-connecting and filling in holes in her past.  I said that is OK to do as long as she feels she can do this without obsessing or strong enough to potentially deal with the bad memories.  I also reminded her that people from 20 years ago don't come out of nowhere to contact you, more often they have some kind of agenda.  And this former girlfriend was a violent relationship that eventually led to my wife being in the hospital and trying to kill herself.  I recommended that she should tread with extreme caution here, and asked if the woman was trying to apologize or make amends in some way.  The woman is now married with 7 kids.  In the end, my wife decided to stop the convo with her and block her. 

I think this was a good conversation for us, because she told me what was going on, she asked my advice, I gave it without telling her what to do, allowed her to make her own decision.  But to be honest, I had a bit of an agenda to try and get her to see how bad this could potentially be.  I've seen where this road leads for my wife too many times.  Had she continued the conversation with this woman, it would almost guarantee to bring up old bad memories, an obsession with contacting this woman to get answers, and a huge depressive melt down. 

BTW, in part of this conversation, she revealed to me that right after she moved in with me, her first boyfriend tried to connect with her via FB, and she told him to buzz off.  As I recall at that time, the first 2-3 weeks after her moving in with me, she was 100% positive grateful person.  Then a 180 degree shift to all negative, to me telling her that the negativity was difficult for me to live with, to her exploding at me in a violent fit.  I wonder if this ex trying to contact her was the real trigger back then.

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