How would you handle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Your child comes home from their other parents home with a sheet in their homework folder about a project. The project was assigned on Monday and due Friday. The other parent had them Mon-Tues and you had them W-TH-F. The other parent did parts 1 (poster board with pics) and 2 (3D model) of the project and sent them to school on Tuesday but sent to your house part 3 (3 paragraph paper) with a note stating that “DS wanted to type this at your house” (keep in mind you know other parent doesn’t have a printer). The three paragraphs were already done and in the kids own handwriting.

The project sheet says that it can be typed or printed. Your kid decides they would rather use the written page. You feel it is kind of sloppy. As your talking to them about rewriting it using their best handwriting they proceed to tell you that they in fact didn’t write the 3 paragraphs that their mom did and then made them copy it into their handwriting.

How would you handle?

[Swiggle]

Your child comes home from their other parents home with a sheet in their homework folder about a project. The project was assigned on Monday and due Friday. The other parent had them Mon-Tues and you had them W-TH-F. The other parent did parts 1 (poster board with pics) and 2 (3D model) of the project and sent them to school on Tuesday but sent to your house part 3 (3 paragraph paper) with a note stating that “DS wanted to type this at your house” (keep in mind you know other parent doesn’t have a printer). The three paragraphs were already done and in the kids own handwriting.

The project sheet says that it can be typed or printed. Your kid decides they would rather use the written page. You feel it is kind of sloppy. As your talking to them about rewriting it using their best handwriting they proceed to tell you that they in fact didn’t write the 3 paragraphs that their mom did and then made them copy it into their handwriting.

How would you handle?

[Nope]

The important thing is this teachable moment with the child. I wouldn't bring up their mom at all and simply address that if the three paragraphs aren't the child's own work, then they should be set aside. Then sit down with y he child and talk about the project and what other things can be said about it. Sure, there is likely to be some overlap between what the other parent wrote and what the child writes, but at least this way you can stress the importance of the child having input on their own project.

Questions like "What do you think?" will help the child formulate their own thoughts and opinions, despite whatever the other parent wrote down. This is a critically important and highly transferable skill.

As for the BPD, I wouldn't even bring it up because you'll get nothing but aggravation that is likely to trickle down hill to your child and your child will likely feel the need to lie to you about such things in the future to avoid fallout.

[whirlpoollife]

I would bypass mom. Talk with the teacher, tell her what you said to us, but end it there. No emotions, just facts.

Hopefully, the teacher would understand your situation so with future projects and summarys , the child completes them at school.  At our school, teachers knew the projects get done by parents, so only supplies were brought in to assemble at school, and all writing was done at school. Recess and after school time got used for them too . This way the teacher can keep track of solely the student's progress.  

[Swiggle]

I did what you said Nope. When he told me mom wrote it I said what do you mean, why would mom write it. I said well I feel like since this is your project we should have you look up facts and write your own 3 paragraphs. Off to the computer he and I went.

We got started and I pulled up a couple of websites. I would read something about the topic or he would tell me a fact that he knew and I would look it up. Together we read things and then I would ask so what would you like to add to your paper from these things. He would give me a fact, he would put it into a sentence and I would help if it didn't make sense and he would then write it down. He was all over the place with what he wanted to put in each paragraph so we talked about what a paragraph is and how you can structure it. I use the example that the paper on his topic was a big bucket. and that each paragraph was a smaller bucket that you put similar facts in. After the first couple of sentences I wanted to make sure that he hadn't done this with his mom and maybe that she had just written for him while he told her what to say. He said no so we continued.

All was well and we finished in about 45 minutes. Then it blows up in my face... .

His mom calls for her nightly call. She asked him about his day and if he finished his project, he proceeds to tell her that I made him redo it all because it was to sloppy  . Mom's comments and tone were pretty obvious that she wasn't happy. After he finished talking he handed the phone to his sister. I then asked him SS why did I make you redo your paper... .he said because it was sloppy... .I said more than it being unreadable why did I help you redo it... .he said because my mom wrote it and it was my project. I then said why did you tell mom that I only said it was sloppy, he said I forgot about the other part. (mind you he talked to her about 5 min after we finished). I said what do you think you should do, he said tell her the other reason.

so they get back on the phone and he tells her this, to which she says SS that isn't true you and I did it together. He said no we didn't you did it and then made me copy what you wrote. She said we did it together and I wrote it but you were helping me. She then says you must be remembering wrong, he said no I'm not. They had a few other exchanges and the call ended.

I feel like whenever I try to do the right thing it bites me in the you know what.

[11yearsToGo]

Poor kiddo!  He was stuck between pleasing you and displeasing mom.  Mom thought it was ok to have him copy her work, then he gets "in trouble" with you.   Then in trouble again when he omitted it with mom.  In the future, maybe you can do the first part of having him do the project himself (and with your guidance) and leave out making him tell mom her way is wrong.   At her house,  it's her way.  Your house, your way.  Many parents "help" their kids way too much from what I've seen.  My SD's mom leaves all such projects undone, then we got to be the bad guys who have to cram in a weeks worth of work in 2-3 nights to get the project in on time.  Please try to be sensitive to why your son brought home copied work.  He didn't cheat off a peer.   Mom allowed and encouraged it.  You will get a lot further with your son by simply saying, we do our own work here, and leave it at that.  Otherwise he will learn to lie about it to you.  No sense in getting grief from both parents. 

[Nope]

"I forgot to tell her about that part" is kid-code for "I don't want to tell her what she doesn't want to hear". My kids do it all the time. She'll ask them how their day was and they'll leave out anything fun they did because they know she doesn't want to know they are having fun. You can hear the sneer in her voice when she says, "That's it?". Then when we ask the child why they didn't tell her they were having a sleep over and her two best friends were right in the next room she says, "I forgot."  

We've been trying to teach the kids the difference between omitting information because they know their mom won't want to hear and throwing their dad under the bus to make their mom happy. Example: SD11 telling her mom that DH took away her phone and that's why she hadn't called more often. This has the potential to get us in a heap of trouble with court. When the reality was the phone was nearly out of minutes and DH took the phone to put more minutes on it and SD11 simply hadn't called her mom because she hadn't thought about it. In this example "I forgot that part" where dad only had the phone through one evening to get minutes put on it was not acceptable because SD11 knew exactly the trouble she was causing in trying to stop herself from making her mom mad at her.

[Swiggle]

Def a fine line between not putting the kids in the middle and not letting them say things that can get the other parent in trouble.

11years. I agree that he probably felt stuck. He didn't at all get in trouble with me about his mom doing his work for him, I used it as a way to say hey I think it is important that your project should be your work and not anyone else's. He wasn't in trouble for omitting that tidbit with his mom but I feel like it is important to help him learn that omitting things can be just as bad as lying and that is important to be honest even when it is tough to do. I didn't make him tell her, I asked him what he thought and he said I should tell her. I agree with Nope, helping to teach the kids that there is a difference between omitting info to keep the peace with mom versus throwing people under the bus to make mom happy is important.

Mom has made it very clear to him that she does not like me. In fact I've been called evil and not the person she would have picked to be his step-mom, awesome for a 7 year old to hear right  . His comment about me making him redo the project because I said it was sloppy and nothing else was for moms benefit. He is a kid of course he wants to please her, but doing so at the expense of others isn't something I want him learning is ok.