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Author Topic: Think I might have found what triggered BPDgf  (Read 405 times)
Ripped Heart
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: January 23, 2015, 08:16:22 PM »

Been down to hers tonight and taken her out for dinner. She's been under the weather for a few days and had a few setbacks with depression too.

Some interesting conversations to be had tonight and she shared a lot of information, that when I take apart seems to give answers but also leaves a few questions too. On the plus side, I didn't help her out with the bills she is struggling with, I did pay for dinner but gave no money elsewhere. So that's a step up for me  Smiling (click to insert in post)

So, she has been really interested in my fight for access to my girls, the more I think back the more I see that the issues between us started around the same time. I had a slight suspicion she was jealous given some of the comments she had made previously but then something she said tonight validated what I suspected.

"Some women out there are jealous of their partners children because they take the attention away but you know I'm not like that though I know people who are"

That comment came out of the blue after asking about my access to my children. The first night she raged in December was the night of my D4's birthday when I went to see her and give her birthday presents. I think the reality for her was that once I got my children back, there would be no more room for her - perceived abandonment.

Some strange text messages came through while we were out too that didn't make much sense from what she was telling me. Apparently, she started talking to a guy on FB because he had the same name as her friends brother so that's who she thought it was. She said the texts have just been really plain but when she realised he wasn't who she thought he was, she stopped messaging him. Tonight he sent her a barrage of angry texts demanding that she "SPEAK" and she text him back to say she was out for dinner. He then followed up with wanting to know "where and who with" so I think I dropped right into the middle of a triangle on that one. She played the victim, he was the abuser and I was just having dinner.

Tonight I've heard all about her friends and how they constantly let her down. Her friend who she promised to go on vacation with seems to be having doubts BPDgf is even going to go. She had a lot to say about the things she wants to do but her friends won't join in and seem to have a life outside of her which she is not liking right now.

She said she thinks the world of me and hopes for something more but that right now she has to work on herself but we know how that story ends. She loved the fact I can still read her thoughts and it's like we were made for each other, that I know her better than she knows herself right now.

At the end of the night, she gave me a huge hug and said she could just fall asleep in my arms, I kissed her and then left. Finally, she wants to go out on a date again next week where we go shopping before going to dinner. That should be interesting.

Right now, I'm moving more towards the acceptance and feeling myself getting stronger each day. Tonight I just listened, tried to interpret what she was really saying and avoided being the rescuer. I've agreed for her to meet the girls as a friend and then after that, she has a choice to make, either be on board or not but I know what boundary is going to be placed around that and if I have to let go, then that's what I have to do.

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patientandclear
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« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2015, 01:31:49 AM »

Ripped ... .I can't tell what your r/ship to her is. You are going on dates with her. She is creating the impression in the mind of another man that she's involved with him romantically.

You're going to have her meet your younger girls as a friend. But then she has to decide if she's in or out.

I thought infidelity was going to be a going-forward boundary for you. Forgiving the past but you would not participate if she behaved that way again. It seems the behavior is continuing. You said you were clear about the line. If so, and if you keep dating her despite her flirting (at least) with another man and that showing up in your face ... .You're sending very mixed messages.

Also, your older daughter was quite hurt about (what seemed to her) your gf's withdrawal and betrayal. What's your analysis of the effect on your younger daughters of spending time with and maybe getting close to them?
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patientandclear
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« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2015, 03:59:47 AM »

To be clear, I meant, of HER (gf) spending time with your younger girls and getting close to them -- not of YOU doing so!

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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2015, 04:08:05 AM »

My exgf had major problems over my sons. I now realise that she knew if it came down to a choice between my kids and her then the kids would win and this didnt sit well with her.

A few months out when i had learnt about BPD i saw how this would add to her abandonment fears.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2015, 06:30:52 PM »

PatientandClear, I know there hasn't been any physical contact with her and other people because then I would walk away. As for flirting, I honestly dont know, can only speculate and try and have some trust in what she is telling me.

As for meeting the girls, it is something I seriously need to think about. She wouldn't be meeting them as my girlfriend but given she has been around for much of my fight to get my girls back and even had a level of support, I think this might be a level of closure.

As for the status of the relationship, I honestly dont know what and where it is right now. I'm just trying to get on with my life and if she wants to be a part of it, that's fine. If she doesn't that's fine too but I won't have her coming in and out as she pleases and I have told her that. I've told her how I feel and what I would like but that decision is not mine to make. I'm just getting on with my life now. In terms of where that sits with my girls, if she does want to be a part of it, the moment she walks away the first time, that will also be the last time.

It was her who referred to it being a date and wanting to go out again next week. Of course I'm happy to oblige because its what I want to do and where I want things to go but at the same time I'm also not trying to be emotionally involved.
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drummerboy
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« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2015, 06:42:18 PM »

Exactly the same here, about 3 months into the r/s she told me that she didn't want to come to my place if my young daughters were here. Just remember, everything is about them, they put their needs way above anyone else's. I still can't believe how self absorbed they are.

My exgf had major problems over my sons. I now realise that she knew if it came down to a choice between my kids and her then the kids would win and this didnt sit well with her.

A few months out when i had learnt about BPD i saw how this would add to her abandonment fears.

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