Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 05:45:55 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The psychosis left and she started apologizing  (Read 796 times)
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« on: January 21, 2015, 08:59:41 AM »

Saturday was weird... as said, mother was cold and not talking.  I was at work and I worked all day catching up.  My wife was rough, but then its like the psychosis left and she started apologizing.  I went home just so i had a place to sleep as it was okayed.  Earlier she had put out clothes for me and i took them and i had not planned on going back.  Sunday, she was heavily feeling guilt.  Apologetic.  We talked a long time.  She explained how she got there...

how it had only been a few days since her parents were buried and i had gotten stressed about taxes, and when i talked about them it stressed her out and she got upset so as a result i just stopped talking worrying.  Then i got hit with other job problem and things snowballed.  I withdrew because I could not talk to her and I was worrying.  She felt isolated... then went crazy... that lead to the verbal abuse and repeated phone calls that lead to me making things at the real exploding part when i did what i did.

Everything seems to be moving in a better situation at work and at home for now.  Obviously still in a precarious situation
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2015, 09:03:49 AM »

opinion here

wife is kind of worrying about being home alone and telling me i need to take another saturday off this month.  Originally that was plan with job that I would get 1 a month.

I have not been at work as much lately and the drama this month had me not taking one, but she is telling me to take off this saturday.  it just doesnt seem like much warning for them and then next saturday is the end of month which is closing out books and a massive amount of work.

i am terrified of telling her this though.  i am embarrassed and scared of telling my mother/boss i need off to.  more scared of wife though

what should i do? 
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2015, 09:40:02 AM »

Take care of yourself.

I'm betting that you will feel safer at work than at home, and don't want to stay home an extra saturday.

(Waiting for you to agree with me... .and since this isn't a chat, I'll go on as if you did. New ideas will be forthcoming if you decide you would prefer to stay home)


I have not been at work as much lately and the drama this month had me not taking one, but she is telling me to take off this saturday.  it just doesnt seem like much warning for them and then next saturday is the end of month which is closing out books and a massive amount of work.

i am terrified of telling her this though.

Everything I put in bold is a very good reason to go to work.

You should be terrified to tell her any of those things--they are all explaining why you should go to work, and why her request/demand that you stay home is wrong.

Remember JADEing? If you Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain, you are being invalidating. And if you invalidate her she will blow up. Your fear is completely reasonable here.

Say it as a boundary instead. Try this:

"I am committed to my job. I will work there Saturday as scheduled."

Note that it isn't a question, and it isn't asking for her approval.

She will probably pull some sort of 'You need to be committed to me... .your mother is... .blah... .blah... .blah... .' response.

If she does, try something this:

"If I don't do my job and have no income, I won't be able to honor my commitments to you."

And END THE DISCUSSION. (Before it turns into a rage!). Leave the room, or leave the house if you need to.
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2015, 11:04:49 AM »

Take care of yourself.

I'm betting that you will feel safer at work than at home, and don't want to stay home an extra saturday.

(Waiting for you to agree with me... .and since this isn't a chat, I'll go on as if you did. New ideas will be forthcoming if you decide you would prefer to stay home)


I have not been at work as much lately and the drama this month had me not taking one, but she is telling me to take off this saturday.  it just doesnt seem like much warning for them and then next saturday is the end of month which is closing out books and a massive amount of work.

i am terrified of telling her this though.

Everything I put in bold is a very good reason to go to work.

You should be terrified to tell her any of those things--they are all explaining why you should go to work, and why her request/demand that you stay home is wrong.

Remember JADEing? If you Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain, you are being invalidating. And if you invalidate her she will blow up. Your fear is completely reasonable here.

Say it as a boundary instead. Try this:

"I am committed to my job. I will work there Saturday as scheduled."

Note that it isn't a question, and it isn't asking for her approval.

She will probably pull some sort of 'You need to be committed to me... .your mother is... .blah... .blah... .blah... .' response.

If she does, try something this:

"If I don't do my job and have no income, I won't be able to honor my commitments to you."

And END THE DISCUSSION. (Before it turns into a rage!). Leave the room, or leave the house if you need to.

i had texted her okay... before reading this.  Now what do I do?  deal with reprecussions at work or at home?

Totally my fault here...
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2015, 11:38:31 AM »

Start with what you want. Do you want to work on Saturday?

At least type the words in black and white right here.



You can do this. I also want to affirm something else you CAN do. You can change your mind. Just because you said one thing once doesn't bind you to it forever.
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2015, 02:09:54 PM »

Start with what you want. Do you want to work on Saturday?

At least type the words in black and white right here.



You can do this. I also want to affirm something else you CAN do. You can change your mind. Just because you said one thing once doesn't bind you to it forever.

I dont want to work, but I dont ever want to work.  I rather be home all the time.  The change mind thing I worry about because it is the old telling a  BPD one thing then doing another which is double bad
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2015, 04:20:43 PM »

Start with what you want. Do you want to work on Saturday?

At least type the words in black and white right here.



You can do this. I also want to affirm something else you CAN do. You can change your mind. Just because you said one thing once doesn't bind you to it forever.

I dont want to work, but I dont ever want to work.  I rather be home all the time.  The change mind thing I worry about because it is the old telling a  BPD one thing then doing another which is double bad

I'm confused--I'm not sure if you are being serious or not here--You sound very scared of being home with your wife in other postings you've made.

What was trying to ask was about your choice to go to work or stay home on Saturday, when your wife demanded that you stay home. Which choice would you make if you weren't afraid of either your wife or your mother?


From the way you describe interactions with your wife, I don't know that she will be twice as bad if you do something different than you told her you were going to do--It sounds like she's already treating you almost as badly as she can!
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2015, 09:27:54 AM »

Start with what you want. Do you want to work on Saturday?

At least type the words in black and white right here.



You can do this. I also want to affirm something else you CAN do. You can change your mind. Just because you said one thing once doesn't bind you to it forever.

I dont want to work, but I dont ever want to work.  I rather be home all the time.  The change mind thing I worry about because it is the old telling a  BPD one thing then doing another which is double bad

I'm confused--I'm not sure if you are being serious or not here--You sound very scared of being home with your wife in other postings you've made.

What was trying to ask was about your choice to go to work or stay home on Saturday, when your wife demanded that you stay home. Which choice would you make if you weren't afraid of either your wife or your mother?


From the way you describe interactions with your wife, I don't know that she will be twice as bad if you do something different than you told her you were going to do--It sounds like she's already treating you almost as badly as she can!

Sorry, I meant work in a vacuum excluding wife.  With wife, she would be getting what she wants and would be hard on me, but she can be just at tormenting on me while I am at work

She is still demanding I take off.  I am concerned because of episode last week at work.  An episode 10 days before where I had to leave early the day before funeral because wife was furious.  I might have taken off saturday before too, but I am not sure.  Late again this morning taking kid to school cause wife was mad at him.  Both the kids have cried the past 18 hours due to being berated.  They misbehaved but it was really harsh by her.  They are 15 and 12.

I did originally say I would be taking off one Saturday a month, but I am embarrassed when I am only management that takes off Saturdays and I am continually having problems this month at work. 

She told me yesterday she is moving out and berated me again.  Its always about my job... meanwhile she has no job.  It goes from berating me to wanting support.  I just do not know at this point.  All sense of reality and trust in others and myself is gone

I am not sure if its others craziness around me or my wife's craziness that has done this... or even my own.  I suspect its a bit of all.

I do not know what to do for her.  She said last night going to the doctor this week made everything WAAAAY worse and the doctor said its a dangerous environment with me and she should leave me.

I do not trust how she portrays events, but maybe I am the really sicker of the two of us.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2015, 09:40:58 AM »

I do not know what to do for her.  She said last night going to the doctor this week made everything WAAAAY worse and the doctor said its a dangerous environment with me and she should leave me.

I do not trust how she portrays events, but maybe I am the really sicker of the two of us.

 I don't believe you are sicker than your wife is.

I do believe that spending more time with your wife (especially as things are today!) is a dangerous environment for you.

My advice: Tell her either tonight after work, or tomorrow morning when you get up that you will be gong to work tomorrow.

I'd recommend picking the time that will feel easiest for you. The good part about doing it Saturday morning is that you tell her, then leave;  you don't have to worry about her keeping you up all night fighting over it. She might feel a little more hurt about it in themorning than the night before... .but either way, she's wanting to control your behavior. If you don't let her she will be PISSED about it.


Don't justify it. Don't explain it. Just state that you will be doing it. Then just do it.

Do it for your own mental health and your own job security.
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2015, 11:20:42 AM »

I do not know what to do for her.  She said last night going to the doctor this week made everything WAAAAY worse and the doctor said its a dangerous environment with me and she should leave me.

I do not trust how she portrays events, but maybe I am the really sicker of the two of us.

 I don't believe you are sicker than your wife is.

I do believe that spending more time with your wife (especially as things are today!) is a dangerous environment for you.

My advice: Tell her either tonight after work, or tomorrow morning when you get up that you will be gong to work tomorrow.

I'd recommend picking the time that will feel easiest for you. The good part about doing it Saturday morning is that you tell her, then leave;  you don't have to worry about her keeping you up all night fighting over it. She might feel a little more hurt about it in themorning than the night before... .but either way, she's wanting to control your behavior. If you don't let her she will be PISSED about it.


Don't justify it. Don't explain it. Just state that you will be doing it. Then just do it.

Do it for your own mental health and your own job security.

its starting again...  I told her I would call in sick but I am not going to ask for a day off with no notice.  I do not feel any of this is right.  Its not right fo me to do that.  She said we are over and I was never there for her.  How I will not see her and the kids.

How i am going to cause another scene like last week.  I asked her that this is how it happened because she kept venting at me.

She kept on.  I informed her that she is being as hard on me as she was on kids last night.  She started in with how I will be alone and have nobody and throwing things from our past in our face.

I had to turn off my phone.  I am scared of her.  Terrified of her.  I am wanting to be fair but I just do not know how to meet her demands and she feels so strongly.

She said how she used to think I was a great man and nothing got any better but now she thinks im the worst thing for her life.

The guilt is horrible.  I love her... I want her happy.  I do not know if I am the neglectful husband or she is the abusive wife... or both.

I do not want this for either of us
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2015, 11:43:14 AM »

The guilt is horrible.  I love her... I want her happy.  I do not know if I am the neglectful husband or she is the abusive wife... or both.

Bottom line is that HER behavior is abusive! No matter how you look at it, it is abusive. There is no excuse for being abusive. It doesn't matter if you are neglectful. That is still no excuse for her to do what she has done to you.

 

At this point, you need to find ways to protect yourself and keep yourself safe. I think most people want their loved ones to be happy. That is normal. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself and your sanity in order to make another person happy.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2015, 12:53:26 PM »

Yes. She is being abusive.

You say you don't know how to meet her demands.

That is because her demands are impossible and abusive.

Nobody could meet all her demands. And if you did meet all her demands somehow, she would come up with new ones you can't meet. This is how she's operating right now.

You want her to be happy. You cannot make anybody else happy. Heck, it is hard enough to make yourself happy!

  Take care of yourself

It is OK to turn your phone off, or block her number when you need to.

(And you don't need to convince her that it is OK. Which is good because you probably never will!)
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2015, 01:01:19 PM »

Yes. She is being abusive.

You say you don't know how to meet her demands.

That is because her demands are impossible and abusive.

Nobody could meet all her demands. And if you did meet all her demands somehow, she would come up with new ones you can't meet. This is how she's operating right now.

You want her to be happy. You cannot make anybody else happy. Heck, it is hard enough to make yourself happy!

  Take care of yourself

It is OK to turn your phone off, or block her number when you need to.

(And you don't need to convince her that it is OK. Which is good because you probably never will!)

I do not want to be abusive or mean or bad back.  I want to do the right thing.  I would rather take the abuse and be fair myself than protect myself and be selfish.  That is the hard thing.  Finally turned phone back on... I had to... I have a sales deal coming through and I had my phone turned off for hours. 

She never wants me to contact her again.  This is just a tragedy.  A complete tragedy.  I do not want to look bad to others from what she says but I also do not want her to snow over everything and never feel good about life again.

I feel physically sick.  I truly do.  I am sick for the mistakes I have made in this relationship.  I know it is truly bad because all the financial problems... everything that is about to tumble onto me... just does not seem to matter...

No... suicide is not an option.  It does not mean that I feel things would be better for myself right now if I was gone, but there are reprecussions.  That is the ultimate problem with all of this.  Every single decision seems to have overwhelmingly bad consequences.  Its like I have lived a life of mitigating the bad...
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2015, 01:35:36 PM »

I do not want to be abusive or mean or bad back.  I want to do the right thing.  I would rather take the abuse and be fair myself than protect myself and be selfish.  That is the hard thing.  Finally turned phone back on... I had to... I have a sales deal coming through and I had my phone turned off for hours. 

Taking care of yourself is not mean or bad. I know how difficult it is to understand that. I have been in that same place. I have been in that place where it feels like it is easier to lay down and take the crap than it is to stand up for myself. It isn't selfish to take care of yourself. Why are you so afraid of being selfish. Who or what in your life has made you so afraid of being mean or selfish? I know, it sounds horrible to be mean and selfish. I have a fear of being those things too.

Block her number without turning off your phone completely. Set her number to a funny ring tone so you know not to answer and give yourself a laugh.


Excerpt
She never wants me to contact her again.  This is just a tragedy.  A complete tragedy.  I do not want to look bad to others from what she says but I also do not want her to snow over everything and never feel good about life again.

STOP! Seriously, stop worrying so much about what other people think. No matter what you do, somebody somewhere is going to think ill of you. It's part of life. It is impossible to make everyone happy and look good all of the time. You are a human being. You are going to make mistakes. The people that are worth having in your life will be able to see what is going on. Reach out to somebody in real life. You really need to find somebody that you feel like is on your side.

Excerpt
I feel physically sick.  I truly do.  I am sick for the mistakes I have made in this relationship.  I know it is truly bad because all the financial problems... everything that is about to tumble onto me... just does not seem to matter...

Oh gosh, I know that feeling and I know how it feels like it is going to crush you and swallow you whole. And sometimes, I have wished that it would crush me and swallow me because that would be better than trying to figure out all of this crap. I know how you are feeling. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will get better. It may not seem like it right now, but it will. Sometimes, the thought that this can't last forever, there has to be an end to this was the glimmer of hope that I held onto and told myself over and over.

Excerpt
No... suicide is not an option.  It does not mean that I feel things would be better for myself right now if I was gone, but there are reprecussions.  That is the ultimate problem with all of this.  Every single decision seems to have overwhelmingly bad consequences.  Its like I have lived a life of mitigating the bad...

Yes, every single decision that you make has consequences. It is really tough to navigate this stuff. You are dealing with some really rough stuff right now. What is ONE thing that you can do to get into a better head space? ONE thing! Is there some small pleasure that you enjoy like ice cream that you haven't had in a long time but is easy to get or do? When I was trying to get in a better place, I started thinking about the things that I used to love to do but hadn't gotten to do in ages. My guilty pleasure was going for a drive with the radio on full blast to drown out my thoughts. It is something silly and small but it made me feel better.

Sending you some more hugs!   
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2015, 01:37:04 PM »

I do not want to be abusive or mean or bad back.  I want to do the right thing.  I would rather take the abuse and be fair myself than protect myself and be selfish.  That is the hard thing. 

Protecting yourself is NOT being selfish.

Taking abuse is NOT helping her. (All it does for her is let her avoid dealing with her own issues by blaming you. It doesn't make her life any better!)

And yes, it is a hard thing to do and a hard thing to change.

Excerpt
Finally turned phone back on... I had to... I have a sales deal coming through and I had my phone turned off for hours.

On a practical level... .if you block her phone number, you will still not get calls (Don't know about voicemails), but you can take sales calls.

Excerpt
She never wants me to contact her again.  This is just a tragedy.  A complete tragedy.

She's very angry. She did say that.

She may say something very different in an minute or an hour.

She also isn't thinking very clearly or consistently.

How many times has she contacted you since she said that?

 Seriously... .let her do what she will today, and take care of yourself. 
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #15 on: January 24, 2015, 10:11:23 AM »

went home last night.  she was disgusted and avoided even seeing me.  I started on a project with her son.  She came back down asking when we were going to eat... blaming me for being late on dinner.  Yelled at me.  I went and got food.  She asked for hummus from grocery and I went there.  I knew there were a couple of other items she wanted.  I got them. she got mad how long it took

I got home and she asked me what drink I got her.  She usually like Root beer which i got her.  She said I should have asked adn threw the drink into the sink splashing everywhere.  I slept in another room and she came in blaming me for leaving all the lights on in middle of the night.  Kid came down and left them on.

This morning she let into me again.  How she just needed me off today.  How I was never there.  I left.  I got sons homework to scan and email to teacher and she demanded it back.  I popped off and said I Did it.  She then starting telling me horrible things and I unleashed a low blow saying that I was the one doing homework with thema nd she was the one blasting them and making them cry she was so hard.  In front yard with epople watching she punched me in the face and kicked me in the balls.  I got up and left.  I told her I should call the police on that.

She pointed out that when we are seperated how can I take teh kids every other weekend anyways if im always working every saturday.  It would be easier to get saturdays off if i didnt have to take off half days because our arguments disrupt work place.  Im asssuming id be fired elsewhere

Her therapist says I should quit my job.  Do what I have no clue.  On other hand, it certainly would help if she got a job.  Why so converned with me and not herself.  She says her sister who 6 months ago she refused to talk to is all she has left.

I know I am sick.  I know my family members are sick.  I know her family members are sick.  I know my other job has personalities that are sick.  Everyone in my professional life and everywhere else seems to be BPD or NPD or all sorts of messed up.  Now to what degree is the question.  My wife has me believe its all horrible.  That i should cut them all out.  I keep them all just at professional distance.  My wife says I have no future at any job I have.  I ask her for what she thinks could be done because she is telling me to quit them all.  She says thats not her job... .

I just do not know.  Everyone is sick in some way.  I do not know how to navigate this all.  She says my mother is an alcoholic pill popper and is unstable.  My mother is at this point now an alcoholic and pill popper.  I agree, but my wife drinks every day, had dwi, has been in AA, and pops my xanax daily and pops amphetamines from doc every day too so who knows

I love my wife and I love my kids.  I love my mother.  I am find with having my mother and everyone else in my life at an arms length only professional and holidays, but I just do not know

My wife at home all alone... no job, no parents, guilt, shame, its tearing her apart.  I know it is.  It would tear ANYONE apart.  So what is the abuse from that and what is real.  Why can i not see what is real and what is not

The one thing I fear is what my doc hears is my point of view which is skewed for me.  My wifes therapist hears her point of view that is skewed.I have been to my wifes therapist a couple of times and my mother has even offered to go to help work on things with my wife.  Now, I am not sure that my mom is not at a state of mind to accept real responsiblity at this point as she is overwhelmed... I suppose I shoudl give a bit of insight on her

My mother was raised until 7 my her parents.  My grandmother was a remarkable woman.  Her husband was a drunk and was abusive.  My grandmother left and was soon remarried to a remarkable man.  He never graduated high school and was from a small rural town.  He built up a construcation business which was teh third largest in texas, but his cousin who he hired to keep books biliked him dry and he had to close up.  He took on my parents and uncles and aunts like his own.  Started a new business with my grandmother buying and renting real estate and making a killing.  my actual grandfather would stalk them sometimes drunk and even pull a gun on them (no bullets).  he was lucky to get out of that because a gun was pulled on him with bullets.  My oldest aunt always felt that everyone turned on my actual grandfather and held a grudge against my grandfather.   Anyways... everything went how it did and the family was great.  My mother had me young at 19 and my step grandfather and grandmother were also like parents to me.  I was the child they never had.  I heard my grandfather had a temper but never saw it.  He was incredibly understanding.  A backwoods rural farmer type Texan was acceptable to my mom marrying a jew, he was acceptable of my brother coming out a homosexual.  He was awesome.  When my grandmother died, the family fractured.  My aunt turned against my grandfather because she had always acted whacky.

My uncle was next.  He was popping pills and drugs.  Was not in his right mind and his wife never got along with anyone.  He started accusing my mother of sleeping with my grandfather and threatening to beat my 70 year old grandfather who was on oxygen up and all sorts of crazy stuff.  He got fired. My other uncle was never much in the family.  when my grandfather died, a trust took effect that considerable money was put in to right but was poorly written.  Half was grandfathers which he left to my mother.  Half was my grandmothers left to all for siblings.   For 7 years now the will has been in probate.  Basically, they want my mother to run the whole business, but take NO fee for managing it.  They harrass here on everything.  The problem is my uncle and mother are co trustees.  They refuse to talk to my mother outside of attorneys.  So the whole things is a mess.  My mother was VERY tight with her brother.  She feels betrayed.  Since then my sister grew up.  Got super rebellious... said she was pregnant to trap a guy and was not and then had a kid and has just used the kid as leverage to get stuff.  My mother then got a divorce from second husband who refuses to leave house and move on with his life.  Obviously you could kick him out and toss daughter to side, but its stressing her to the breaking point.  Her personality has changed.  She is much more self absorbed, self medicating (does come from doctor) and seems overall just trying not to open up herself to anything to get hurt.  Still much different than she was.  She is pretty easy to work for.  Lets me run my other business out of her office which is cool... Probably should pay me more, but once against I am not doing her stuff full toime but working on my other business stuff.

The sucky part is 6 days a week of work.  Raise and more control is a problem until will is probated becasue siblings scrutinizing every dime and its a mess. 

So really nobody is healthy in my life
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #16 on: January 24, 2015, 10:24:39 AM »

Your wife assaulted you, hh, in front of witnesses. What's holding you back from reporting this, even if you go down to the police station and do it without her knowing for now?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #17 on: January 24, 2015, 10:42:59 AM »

HH, this is completely unacceptable. If you can, make dealing with it priority number one.

Your wife assailted you, hh, in front of witnesses. What's holding you back from reporting this, even if you go down to the police station and do it without her knowing for now?

Please read this immediately, even before you talk to the police. It is a very dangerous situation, and it is critical that you understand the risks, especially the risks of false accusations against you.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Are you at work today?
Logged
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2015, 11:05:59 AM »

Hurthusband,

It's really important that you report this assault to the police. Please do not leave this as it sounds as though the situation is escalating for you both.

Tell the police and they will help you, because this is no longer a situation you can sort on your own.

Take care of yourself.
Logged

maxen
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2252



« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2015, 11:30:44 AM »

i add to the others, hh. this is not only unacceptable, not only violence, but if this is not reported it can only escalate. it's a boundary.
Logged

Rapt Reader
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



WWW
« Reply #20 on: January 24, 2015, 12:48:22 PM »

Staff only

We are coaching hurthusband on making contact with both crisis counselors (suicide ideation) and domestic violence counselors. They are best suited to direct specific actions.

We have protocols based on collaborations with both our psychology advisors, three executive directors from national crisis organizations.

I ask that everyone participating please review the protocols so that we all all helping in a manner best for this member and his family.

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm
Logged

Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #21 on: January 24, 2015, 01:08:31 PM »

hurthusband,

You sound deep in a depression and depression really can alter our perception of things. You have a very difficult situation with your wife - she is clearly going through something - and you are triggering each other.

Most likely you two need a little distance right now.

Have you tried to involve her therapist in a joint session?  Maybe he can help orchestrate some temporary separation so that you two can stop the cycle of conflict without breaking down the relationship further.

Skip

P.S. With regard to the physical incident - do you know the people who saw it?
Logged

 
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #22 on: January 24, 2015, 04:56:24 PM »

They were outside and not sure how much they saw.  The rep re cussions... .i just don't know.  I'm avoiding her as much as possible and trying to not communicate.  I informed her sister of the situation.  She said she was moving out but has not.  Being that she is on dwi probation... domestic violence will pretty much end her.

I have a feeling she might become sane again if I completely ignore her.  I have done better past 24 hours about just doing what I need to do.  I'm not doing what I want to do yet but I'm doing what I need to do to keep my life going.  Hopefully it's a stsrt
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #23 on: January 24, 2015, 05:24:43 PM »

  I'm relieved to hear that things have calmed down a little bit at your house.

I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hand somehow!

I have a feeling she might become sane again if I completely ignore her.  I have done better past 24 hours about just doing what I need to do.  I'm not doing what I want to do yet but I'm doing what I need to do to keep my life going.  Hopefully it's a stsrt

Yes, it is absolutely a start.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I don't know how much better she will get if you ignore her... .but today I'm more concerned about you, and I think that the distance will help you a great deal.

Hang in there!

 GK
Logged
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #24 on: January 24, 2015, 06:18:51 PM »

 I'm relieved to hear that things have calmed down a little bit at your house.

I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hand somehow!

I have a feeling she might become sane again if I completely ignore her.  I have done better past 24 hours about just doing what I need to do.  I'm not doing what I want to do yet but I'm doing what I need to do to keep my life going.  Hopefully it's a stsrt

Yes, it is absolutely a start.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I don't know how much better she will get if you ignore her... .but today I'm more concerned about you, and I think that the distance will help you a great deal.

Hang in there!

 GK

Ok now I'm terrified.  She said she talked to sister and getting a lawyer monday.  She said I pushed her and said things I never did this morning.  She said she never hit me.  She is insane.  I'm scared.  I don't want to fight her full steam ahead.  She is out to destroy me now.  She is threatening me.  Our son saw her hit me with her cell phone.  She said I'll never see them again cause I'm. Not blood nor adopted them... .

This is completely psychotic now
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #25 on: January 24, 2015, 06:30:35 PM »

Ok now I'm terrified.  She said she talked to sister and getting a lawyer monday.  She said I pushed her and said things I never did this morning.  She said she never hit me.  She is insane.  I'm scared.  I don't want to fight her full steam ahead.  She is out to destroy me now.  She is threatening me.  Our son saw her hit me with her cell phone.  She said I'll never see them again cause I'm. Not blood nor adopted them... .

This is completely psychotic now

Sending you a great big hug!   

That is very scary. Start gathering documentation. The only way to get through this is to be as logical and rational as possible. If she is psychotic, then there is no telling what she may come up with. I know I have read stories similar to yours on the boards before. I wonder if anybody on the legal boards has dealt with something similar.

Even if other people witnessed what happened this morning, they may not want to get involved or she may claim that they only saw a small portion.

I know this sounds horrible but since you are a man they are likely going to believe your wife over you. Do you have access to legal assistance in case she acts on any of these threats?

In a case like this, it is really difficult to know what to do. It is really difficult to know what is being said as an idle threat and what is being said that is serious. Try to figure out how to prepare for whichever scenario may play out. The main thing is to try to figure out how to best protect yourself.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #26 on: January 24, 2015, 07:49:38 PM »

   Yes, this is scary.

Whatever you do, make sure you are safe.

If she is making false allegations (You pushed her), it may not be safe for you to be alone with her anymore. If she calls the police with this sort of allegation, you are very much at risk.

I hope you are working on getting local support.

Is your mother supportive?
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #27 on: January 25, 2015, 08:34:55 AM »

They were outside and not sure how much they saw. 

If you are concerned about you wife making false domestic abuse accusations, then these witnesses are very important. Domestic abuse is a criminal charge.  A DA an compel them to testify. Don't blow this off.
Logged

 
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #28 on: January 25, 2015, 10:32:07 AM »

Hello hurthusband,

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of theses things, it sounds very scary and very distressing, but remember we are all here with you every step of the way and there are  some brilliant organisations out there that can also offer you confidential help and support.

I know when my husband made false accusations about me to his mental health team I posted on the legal boards. Some of the advice I received there was invaluable, the main advice was to get some legal counsel, which I did. Thankfully I got a free hour with a lawyer who specialised in mental health issues and I felt very reassured by the advice he gave me.

The lawyer said it was a wise choice to have him informed in the event that any further action was taken by my h's team. He gave me an emergency contact number just in case something happened out of hours. I went from feeling absolutely terrified to feeling relieved and a lot stronger emotionally because taking back a bit of control for myself really helped. Everything of course was confidential and my h has no idea I did this. They agreed to only contact me via my personal email just in case.

Is it possible for you to get some legal advice maybe just over the phone could be a start? 

Logged

hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #29 on: January 25, 2015, 05:35:42 PM »

Sounds like I need counsel.  If she does in fact file for divorce tommorow then I have answer and no going back.  I am worried about kids.  They have different fathers.  One does not know his father and both my wife's parents died last month so he literally has his mom his aunt me and that's it.  I am not blood nor legal guardian so I am concerned about him greatly.  Other sons father is in picture.  If things go downhill I'm sure he will step in.  My concern is wife.  If things spiral and she realizes she could in six months have no husband, no family, no friends, no job, and no kids... .it could be very bad.  All she has now is kids and me
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!