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Author Topic: The psychosis left and she started apologizing  (Read 795 times)
Grey Kitty
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« Reply #30 on: January 25, 2015, 06:07:35 PM »

It is worth getting legal advice whether she files tomorrow or not.

The question regarding the children in a divorce is probably more complicated than you having zero rights and responsibilities.

Especially if she falls completely apart.

Please try to focus on yourself (and the kids if you can). Honestly, hurthusband, you don't have anything to spare to take care of her today. Let her be herself, make her own messes, and either sit in them or clean them up.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #31 on: January 25, 2015, 06:36:32 PM »

She says deal breaker was me calling her a bad mother.  I didn't call her that.  She hat hit me and kicked me and called and said every horrible thing imaginable to me for 3 days.  When I tried to leave she followed me and continued it.  Questioning my parenting when I mad thr comment that in past 24 hours she had verbally caused both kids and myself to cry on seperate incidences each.  She taunting me saying that Tuesday  I will find out what she said is reason for divorce and I'm only concerned for myself.  This road may put me in a place where I have to either be destroyed or fight back k and pull all the skeletons out of the closet and really hurt her emotionally and in her life.  I don't know i it would be easier to go to jail on a lie or to have guilt of having to possibly  destroy her and not hold back
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #32 on: January 25, 2015, 07:04:11 PM »

Are you making recordings of her saying things that bring both you and the kids to tears. This could make a huge difference for you later.

And if so, I hope you are not making it obvious--if she sees it, it might cause further dysregulations.

This is another topic that you will get better input from on the legal board. I know that several men there have found that the recordings made a huge difference for them.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #33 on: January 25, 2015, 09:11:41 PM »

  I know you care about your wife a great deal.

I know you don't want her to lose everything... .or even lose anything.

However, if she does lose things, it will be due to her actions, not yours.

And please do be careful, and avoid situations where you might end up in jail. It won't help you, and it won't help her either. It sure won't help the kids.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #34 on: January 25, 2015, 09:19:46 PM »

 I know you care about your wife a great deal.

I know you don't want her to lose everything... .or even lose anything.

However, if she does lose things, it will be due to her actions, not yours.

And please do be careful, and avoid situations where you might end up in jail. It won't help you, and it won't help her either. It sure won't help the kids.

O not worried about that.  I don't drink... I never have hit anyone since I was 9... never wanted to.  She told me she felt diffferent.  Thst cause I wouldn't take off Saturday when she told me Thursday afternoon I didn't care.  She then told me that my mother was a drug addiction sleeping with this guy.  She told me her doc thinks I'm crazy and thst her doc thinks my doc is not fit to practice medicine. Seems to be trying to isolate me from all support I have.  She then says she filing for divorce and how she is putting her inheritance in her own account for her only like I even care.  Then she asks me what I'm going to do to save the marriage.  Like she basically spent 45 minutes telling me how it's my fault and how I have to change everything then... I don't know.  She says suddenly it's both our faults...   i feel insane.  I can't say anything.  She does all the talking but then it's like I can stop the divorce  if I wanted to.  Although stopping it means me giving up me.  I don't know.   Things feel insane. I left the house as she was talking.  She had already thrown a pie at me.

I can't help feeling im the sick one here and it's all my fault.  That I could do more.  That she is the victim
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #35 on: January 25, 2015, 09:29:35 PM »

O not worried about that.  I don't drink... I never have hit anyone since I was 9... never wanted to. 

I'm not worried that you will do something that you should be in jail for.

I'm worried that she will say something to the authorities that will get you in jail.

Excerpt
I can't help feeling im the sick one here and it's all my fault.  That I could do more.  That she is the victim

She wants you to feel that way. She is doing EVERYTHING she can to make you feel that way. No surprise it is having an effect on you. 

Excerpt
Things feel insane. I left the house as she was talking.  She had already thrown a pie at me.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) It *IS* insane. Leaving the house when she's saying that sort of stuff is a great step on your part.

You will survive this.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #36 on: January 25, 2015, 09:33:42 PM »

O not worried about that.  I don't drink... I never have hit anyone since I was 9... never wanted to.  She told me she felt diffferent.  Thst cause I wouldn't take off Saturday when she told me Thursday afternoon I didn't care.  She then told me that my mother was a drug addiction sleeping with this guy.  She told me her doc thinks I'm crazy and thst her doc thinks my doc is not fit to practice medicine. Seems to be trying to isolate me from all support I have.  She then says she filing for divorce and how she is putting her inheritance in her own account for her only like I even care.  Then she asks me what I'm going to do to save the marriage.  Like she basically spent 45 minutes telling me how it's my fault and how I have to change everything then... I don't know.  She says suddenly it's both our faults...   i feel insane.  I can't say anything.  She does all the talking but then it's like I can stop the divorce  if I wanted to.  Although stopping it means me giving up me.  I don't know.   Things feel insane. I left the house as she was talking.  She had already thrown a pie at me.

I can't help feeling im the sick one here and it's all my fault.  That I could do more.  That she is the victim

I don't have any words of wisdom. All I can say is that I know how you feel. I have been in that place where I thought that I had to be the messed up one. I felt that way until I found this website. Yes, I have problems and issues of my own but they are not nearly the extent of the problems that my husband has. Living with somebody like your wife takes its toll on a person and really messes with their head.

Things feel insane because they are insane. Throwing a pie at you is completely ridiculous.

 
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JohnLove
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« Reply #37 on: January 26, 2015, 02:30:30 AM »

hurthusband, I have been the subject of charges bought about by my uBPDex. I have years worth of video and audio recordings and also SMS messages. When these charges were bought upon me by corrupt police, the audio and text messages (in addition to my honest testimony) was sufficient to have a very serious assault charge dismissed with the protection order also.

I cannot tell you enough that you need to purchase a small audio recorder or at least use a competent app on your smartphone if you have one at the very least.

When I discovered your post I wanted to advise you to REPORT the assault with witnesses to police. But it was too late. She had gone to police already. Precedence can be everything. Now it might look like you were hiding something. If she was charged she may escape serious penalty due to her mental health issues. She sounds too far gone to pass any evaluation. But at some point the FOG may lift and you'll get a even more serious wake up call and you might start to care about yourself. I know this sounds like an impossible task. Protect yourself. You are no good to yourself, your kids, or your disordered spouse if you get dumped into real hot water with the authorities. They could prevent you seeing the kids if they thought you were a risk to them.

Some of my recordings may eventually be used to show my eldest daughter who was alienated in this process the magnitude of my problem. I just hope she doesn't go on to develop BPD.  :'(

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, MY FRIEND.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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sweetheart
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Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
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« Reply #38 on: January 26, 2015, 04:00:21 AM »

Hurthusband when my h was seriously and dangerously out of control recently it became very apparent that he would always have help available to him from the authorities whether he wanted it or not. There will always be help out there for your wife, at the moment it doesn't have to be you. I know it feels like you have to sort this but like GK says direct your energies into taking care of you.

What took me sometime to realise was that continuing to put myself in the direction of my h psychotic dysregulations was also making me crazy. I doubted my sanity, what brought me to my senses was my young son. I realise the children are with your wife, but if you can try and seek help for you it will also help the children. I directly contacted my h's P and he spent time in hospital where he was looked after and then he came home with supervision much improved.

I know formflier went through some really traumatic events with his wife last year and he took the decision to access outside help because he was worried about his children. It was a really positive turning point for him and his family. He has recently returned home and his relationship with his wife has improved.

What I have learnt is that I can't deal with this illness by myself and neither can you or your children. Try and find time today to reach out for some support, I can hear you are frightened about what might happen if you talk to someone, but honestly it will help.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #39 on: January 26, 2015, 08:44:30 AM »

i want to figure what is wrong with me too and eliminate that.  The abuse is her, but if i stop the behaviors that are poor to a family...

but its hard to tell.  The hard part is part of her is to say everyone is against me basically.  So i just do not know.  She is talking about maybe moving out and in with her sister for awhile...

I am not opposed to that.  I feel tired at this point.  I am not going to fight her battles with my family.  She says I did not protect them from my family.  I am not sure.  I think it went both ways so I am somewhat at peace with that.

The one gripe she keeps hitting me with is I am never home.  I can then justify that as me being the only income and I cannot figure a way to get another income like I am right now anytime soon, plus while I do not like working as much as I do, I am okay with my work.  I do work 6 days a week mostly.  about 47 hours a week... used to be 54 but I cut it back it is alot.  She has to feel lonely.  Now at same time when she was in school she would stay there doing art for 70 hours a week, but I am just not sure if that complaint about me not being around is valid.  Well, its a valid complaint, but if its a complaint that can be addressed in a way that can help us and not cause more consequences than good
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sweetheart
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« Reply #40 on: January 26, 2015, 09:42:06 AM »

Hurthusband your wife possibly going to stay with her sister sounds like a really positive way for you both to get a break from all that has been going on. It sounds as though your wife might realise there are some major difficulties that need addressing also and time apart may help diffuse the pressure for you all. I know Skip mentioned separating for a while, is there a way you might be able to validate this decision with her in a way that helps it happen?

I can hear that you are trying to make sense of what is happening, its really hard to try and sort through issues when you are in a lot of chaos, this will take space and time. Go easy on yourself, not reacting, staying calm, keeping yourself safe and strong is as much as you can hope to manage at the moment. Oh yes eating, drinking and sleeping are important too.  

There is nothing wrong with you working, you have the role of sole earner at the moment so it has been necessary for you to continue to do this. You have done well to reduce your hours. Trying to find a work family life balance can be hard for us all, I'm not surprised you are tired, working long hours and trying to deal with your wife's dysregulations as well. It is exhausting.

It is difficult dealing with loneliness and abandonment issues that can be triggered in pwBPD, it sounds as though this might be true for your wife. Remember though that this is part of the illness and not something that you are causing.

I am really glad that you keep on posting here,  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) have you thought anymore about extra outside support for yourself and how you might go about accessing this ?

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #41 on: January 26, 2015, 10:04:34 AM »

The one gripe she keeps hitting me with is I am never home. ... .I am just not sure if that complaint about me not being around is valid.  Well, its a valid complaint, but if its a complaint that can be addressed in a way that can help us and not cause more consequences than good

There is another issue here about you not being home, and she is doing her best not to address it.

She makes it UNSAFE for you to be at home with her.

Going home to verbal and physical abuse isn't something you want to do.

This would be a huge problem whether you had a demanding job that you needed to go to support your family or not. And you do need to work and bring in money.

(And do your best not to engage in the fight with her over this issue!)

 Take care of yourself.

I'd suggest that you respond to her idea about going to visit her sister by saying that she is free to do it if she wants.

You could also validate that you and she are having trouble being peaceful together, and that a temporary separation could help that.
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hurthusband
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« Reply #42 on: January 26, 2015, 12:26:51 PM »

The one gripe she keeps hitting me with is I am never home. ... .I am just not sure if that complaint about me not being around is valid.  Well, its a valid complaint, but if its a complaint that can be addressed in a way that can help us and not cause more consequences than good

There is another issue here about you not being home, and she is doing her best not to address it.

She makes it UNSAFE for you to be at home with her.

Going home to verbal and physical abuse isn't something you want to do.

This would be a huge problem whether you had a demanding job that you needed to go to support your family or not. And you do need to work and bring in money.

(And do your best not to engage in the fight with her over this issue!)

 Take care of yourself.

I'd suggest that you respond to her idea about going to visit her sister by saying that she is free to do it if she wants.

You could also validate that you and she are having trouble being peaceful together, and that a temporary separation could help that.

yea looks like we going that route.  She asked me to look up something which only my stepdad could.  Asked my stepdad but there is so much animosity between my family feeling she stabs then in the back and my wife feeling same he refused to help
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