Thoughts and Feelings on my BPD Relationship
Does “love” make me this blind?
I don’t exist to her entire world – Never have and never will
I’m not sure of her mood by the hour or minute
Her answers are always the right answers – forget yours
I am the one required to make improvements in the relationship
Lying is still an essential part of the relationship and her life – I am the lie and the best kept secret
Alcohol is a major issue – drastic personality changes…bantering…passes out…has been physically aggressive
Abuse/Personal Issues – She is hard to approach on all personal issues- causes one to withdraw from future conversations and questioning
I am compromising myself and who I am for the relationship to make it work
I am being pushed away and becoming less and less in the relationship- no longer part of the informed loop
Open and Honest relationship – My truthful answers or statements are lies to her – being told I am not being honest and honest when I am. I have started to pull inward.
Trust has been lost – Am I the only guy in this relationship? Having my doubts. Is the Truth being told?
Sex life – Can’t read this one anymore at all- verbally and physically
She thinks My Cancer has no effect on the relationship – Are true colors showing now? I have seen her less this year than any other year…general time together
What percent of her is available for her supposed True Love?
With Pancreatic Cancer I am not sure I have the mental or physical energy to continue this BPD relationship even with the applied communication skills I have been learning.
Stripping it back to basics for a minute. That is your list of cons. What does the list of pros look like?
Whenever we decide to do something we weigh up pros and cons, and whatever wins out drives our decisions. We then live a choice we can justify
If the the cons outweigh the pros, why do we do it Fear? obligation? Guilt? Stuck in victim mode? In these cases we will feel intense resentment which creates a lose/lose environmet.
If the pros still carry substantial weight then we have hope and ambition, and an objective to pursue, this may come with much frustration but there is a point to it.
Why we are doing this is one of the first, and hardest, things we need to determine.
Bottom line is that list of cons occur because you allow yourself to be subject to it. Individual issues are not the problem it is the power dynamics within the RS that sustain it.
If you decide to continue this RS then establishing your boundaries is first step, you will hear this over and over, as it really is your ultimate power tool.
