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Author Topic: How often do you communicate with your ex?  (Read 390 times)
momtara
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« on: January 25, 2015, 12:19:12 AM »

I had a revelation tonight. The kids were with my ex tonight.  I was just out with friends, having a very rare few hours to socialize.  It felt good to be having a normal conversation... .with normal people... .not having to figure out the lies and manipulation... .

It occurred to me that part of my anxiety and stress is that it's rare for me to not be communicating with ex.  Sometimes he emails a question and I let it hang out there for a day, but I always have to answer eventually, or I get more emails, texts, etc.  It doesn't cross the line into harassment.  But he finds a way to somehow engage.  It's always negative.  It's an angry question "What are you doing about X," or a demand, or something else.

And of course, we have very young kids who are almost always with me, and he calls every night and they're young so I chase them around to get them on the phone.

I've been able to largely avoid using the phone.  But there's still engagement.
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Matt
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« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2015, 12:56:54 AM »

I tapered off over several years.  Now I very rarely talk with her on the phone - maybe a few times a year.  E-mail when there are things to communicate - maybe once or twice a month.  Very simple e-mails - just a few sentences - only information.

I think you have to just not respond unless it's really important and urgent.  And when you do respond, make it very simple and boring.  Give him nothing interesting - just information.
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david
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« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2015, 07:51:02 AM »

I used to get 30 to 40 emails a month from ex. That went on for about three years. I went from answering every email, answering emails about the kids or to defend myself from false allegations, to answering emails about pick up times or holiday schedules.

As I decreased my replies I noticed ex decreased her emails. I stopped answering any email that attacked or accused me. If one of the boys was sick I gave information only: temperature over a period of time (what I was doing anyway) or any symptoms that I would have given to the pediatrician. I stopped giving my thoughts or ideas.

I now get about 5 to 10 emails a month. I answer half or less.

We are going to a co parent counselor now. During the meetings I have tried to talk directly to ex in a co parent style. Ex turns her head away from me and makes dismissive sounds, or quickly attacks me while looking at the counselor. She doesn't look directly at me. I am very conscious that a professional is observing all of the interactions and he has mentioned some of ex's negative style towards me to her.

My ex has an emotional based reasoning during these meetings. Things don't connect very well and she jumps from subject to subject. I think it is an attempt to see what works and use that. If I react to something I am sure she would focus on that since she triggered me. I am too detached to get triggered now. It is like she has a limited number of tricks up her sleeve and she tried one until it works. They aren't working so she recycles the same tricks.

Ex would never agree with something I suggest in these meetings. When I have a reasonable proposal the counselor jumps in and talks to ex about it. She agrees with him and we move on. She simply can't agree with anything directly from me. I figure I am painted black and that is just the way it is.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2015, 09:04:46 AM »

As little as ever possible. I answer questions by text, if there is a clearly put question to be answered.

Sometimes my wife has called me and asked me if she can talk to our daughter, or asked me ask our daughter if she wants to talk to her mother. This request denied. We split the weeks 50/50 between us and there is no reason that my exwife should have phone conversations with our four year old on "my" days. Pressuring her into having it is even worse. They would only be about how much mommy misses her girl anyway, and these calls only occurs when mom is needy. Not when mom is away partying on "my" days. Then she isn't even available ny phone.

I have as little communication as possible, because if you give her a bit of your finger she'll take the whole hand. I want all conversations to have an agenda and I have to be the "chairman", or you won't know what you have decided at all. She has demanded to have meetings ans sit-downs with me several times. I have demanded to know more precisely she wants to talk about and everytime and everytime it has turned out it was not what she initially told me, so I could say "no thanks" politely.
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Matt
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« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2015, 10:16:16 AM »

Hergestridge makes an interesting point:  What is the purpose of the communication?

If my ex writes me, ":)id you get S16 his medicine?", her purpose seems to be, to make sure S16 got his medicine.  Or her purpose might be, to make herself feel better (and to make me feel worse) by establishing that she needs to remind me of stuff.

Either way, my answer will be, "Yes."  I assume the best possible motive - that her goal is to make sure S16 gets his medicine - and answer accordingly.  And in the fewest possible words.  Not, "Yes - you didn't have to remind me." because then I'm engaging with her emotionally.

By answering just "Yes", I'm not giving her anything other than the information she is requesting.  I'm not giving her drama, which might produce some adrenaline she will enjoy.  I'm not giving her extra information, which she might use in some way.  I'm not rewarding her for bothering me with questions.  Just giving her the information she asked for which is reasonable - a mother wants to make sure her child gets what he needs.

The less said the better.  No emotions.  No hooks to continue the conversation.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2015, 10:43:24 AM »

I have an ex whose primary condition is ADHD. We've been divorced for years, son is an adult, ex and I speak about once every 6-8 months -update on each other's elderly moms, how are you, etc.

My DH has the uNPD/BPD, divorced for years, adult children. She calls him about every 2-3 months, still sees him as a Daddy figure while her crazy life continues to go south - tries for $$$ still, complains of current boyfriend, wants DH to intercede with adult children. DH is out of the FOG, thank God, and minimizes the conversations in order to hang up quickly.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
david
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2015, 10:50:53 AM »

Yes, my answers are as brief as possible. I don't explain myself.

Our summer schedule is 50/50 but it has to be agreed to in emails. I have never proposed a summer schedule that ex agreed to so I let her send the proposal. If it meets the order I state every single date (to eliminate any confusion at a later date/ that has happened in the past) and pickup time. The dates are separated by time with mom and time with dad. There is no misunderstanding the way I do that. Ex actually tried to start something because she didn't "understand" what I sent. I didn't reply because it was as clear as every other email I sent in the past. She figured it out without another reply by me.

Ex sends me emails rambling about all kinds of things. They have decreased but still occur. Sometimes there is a question about when I will pick the boys up in the rambling. I reply that "I will pick the boys up at such and such time." I don't get sucked into any of the other stuff.
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Matt
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« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2015, 11:38:47 AM »

Yes, my answers are as brief as possible. I don't explain myself.

So here we get into some differences - not the exact same thing works for everybody.

What I've found is that I naturally tend to explain and justify a lot.  That works pretty well with most people - they appreciate that I am answering their questions before they even ask them - why I'm doing what I'm doing.  But with my BPD ex it wouldn't work at all - it would only lead to arguments.

But I still sometimes give my reasons for what I'm doing, but in the fewest possible words.  If she asks "Are you going to D18's school meeting tomorrow?" I might answer, "No - I went to the same meeting last week so there's no need."  That way I give her the information she might reasonably want - whether I'm going and if not why not.  I could think it's none of her business, but she may be deciding whether to go to the meeting herself, for example, so a little extra information may end the conversation sooner.

My goal is always to give her the information she reasonably needs - or to get some information from her - and to then end the exchange.

And I find that various members here find different things that work - not one-size-fits-all.  You have to figure out what works for you and then stick with that.  But one thing we all figure out sooner or later is that less is more, and e-mail is better than phone or face-to-face.
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sanemom
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« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2015, 10:36:14 AM »

DH ends up replying to an email or text once or twice every couple of months. 

His BPD ex has been relatively quiet lately... .makes me wonder if this will be a new normal now that the court mess is over, or is she gearing up for something else.  Before when DH was not engaging with her, he was still trying to engage with DSD.  Last time DSD tried to be difficult and refused to come, DH just responded, "OK, I love you," and we had a great weekend without her.  I think that happened a couple of times, and ever since, things have been low key.  BPD ex isn't able to engage DH with her emails or with DSD anymore so I am hoping she has quit trying.  I guess time will tell... .

I think it is harder with younger kids, but I still recommend Bill Eddy's BIFF book on how to write the brief emails.  If the kids are court ordered to talk with him, it has got to be harder,  Once they are old enough for a cell phone, I would advise it, but it sounds like you have a while to go for that!
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Rubies
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« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2015, 11:49:19 PM »

Divorce meant he no longer had the privledge  to occupy my time.  Being the kind of person if you give him an inch he runs the marathon only stopping long enough to rage at you for not keeping up, I held him to the generous visitation order he wanted with little variation allowed.  Be there or be square. 

I kept all communication to email so inappropriate matter was documented for court.   At one point I insisted communication be only through his attorney.  Emails were ignored, or my answer was No.

It seems so many of you are still involved in Parenting your xBPDs, I was done with that.  I wanted to Mom DD, set an example for her and help her heal from the trauma.  I didn't want to teach her she needed to parent her dad because "he's ill."  She deserves a life of her own too.
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momtara
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« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2015, 02:59:14 PM »

Thanks, all.  I guess it takes a while to get this all under control.  I do usually want to give some reason for my decisions, but when it leads to more engagement, it's hard. 
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Matt
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« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2015, 03:02:27 PM »

Thanks, all.  I guess it takes a while to get this all under control.  I do usually want to give some reason for my decisions, but when it leads to more engagement, it's hard. 

Think about the simplest possible way to give a reason - the fewest possible words - and the most "final" you can make it sounds.

"I decided to tell Daughter that she can't go to the dance because she has not turned in all her homework on time."

Then if you get back arguments, you can decide if it's a productive discussion to continue or not;  and if not, just don't respond.

So you have stated your decision;  you have given the reason;  and you have given him an opportunity to respond in a constructive way.  That's all you need to do;  if he does not agree with your decision, that's OK - you don't both have to agree on everything.
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whirlpoollife
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« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2015, 08:32:51 PM »

Divorce meant he no longer had the privledge  to occupy my time. 

That is a beautiful quote.

Yes it feels like I am parenting x2bh. Last text from him was useless, ... I can keep the kids tonight if you are busy.   I never communicated anything to him ,or kids, for him to ask this. 

My reply was  , I am picking up the kids.      Better would have been the parenting, "no"

or no reply at all because I am teaching him to email only.

Momtara , I too could answer more than needed. But pwPD need the short response.

In a past post somewhere, the question was asked, "do you know the time?"

First answer was , "yea it's 2pm".

Asked again, "do you know the time?"

The correct answer , "yes".

That was more for answering questions at a trail, but that has helped me in responses to h.

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"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
momtara
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« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2015, 12:01:10 AM »

Yup, that's funny.  I'd be inclined to say, yes, it's 2 p.m.  Offering more than is necessary.
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Rubies
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« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2015, 01:20:39 AM »

See, and my thought process tells me if he can text me for the time, he can look at his phone for the time.  He'd get no response, he only has my landline number.

I didn't try to negotiate for better behavior from BPDxh.  I negotiated a divorce settlement, custody and visitation orders.  I let the judge "negotiate" on his behavior because it never worked for me.  My responsibility was to get it in front of the judge quickly.  That is what the judge directed me to do.

I didn't bother with any fairytale of co-parenting with BPDxh.  We didn't do it while married, it wasn't going to happen while divorced.  Actions and consequences on my time stayed on my time, those on his time stayed there.  DD's a good kid and I wouldn't cause drama for her.   
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